What a Tease!

Hi all. Welcome to another of What a Tease! Norty news guy here again this week to bring you the newest trailers on the net, along with the upcoming….ah, you know the deal by now. So what time is it???

Crowd: **Cough**

That’s right! It’s Trailer Time!!!!

Damn it……

New Trailers Online this Week

Basically, you’ll get a direct link to the trailer, the ‘Plot According to Yahoo’ (Or IMDB if it’s an Apple Trailer), the length of the trailer and the *estimated* release date. You’ll ALSO get the following: The Spoilerish ranking – what this basically gauges is how much of the movie the trailer gives away, on a 1-10 scale; My Analysis of the trailer, sometimes being pretty straight and narrow, sometimes being witty and sarcastic, sometimes both; finally, you’ll get an Overall Rating, which is ‘calculated’ based on the length of the trailer, it’s ‘spoilerish-ness’ and, well, how I feel about it. It IS my column, after all, but I promise the ratings will be fair and make sense.

New Trailers Online This Week:

The Devil’s Rejects

The plot according to Yahoo: The unthinkable horror and chaos continues a few weeks after the events depicted in “House of 1000 Corpses,” as this film’s focus shifts to a conflict between the various evil family members of the first movie and a new set of murderous loonies, in a blood-soaked road movie. With two gangs of bloodthirsty body-mutilation enthusiasts set loose at each other’s necks, who will emerge victorious? The conflict starts when the ‘house of 1000 corpses’ is raided by a S.W.A.T. team, where the events of the first film are discovered in all of their horror. As the maniacs the media dubs “The Devil’s Rejects” flee the scene of the many, many crimes as their house burns down, they take off on a bloody road trip…

Length: 1:09
Spoilerish: 3
Release Date: July 22nd, 2005
Analysis: You know, I got myself excited for House of 1000 Corpses and left feeling pretty disappointed. Zombie returns with his second film and the sequel to Corpses here, and keeps the trailer short, sweet, and bloody intense. It seems to be some crazy montages and very little, if any, spoilers (That I could make out anyway). It definitely makes you raise an eyebrow and raises the level of intrigue just enough to get people talking between now and July, which is far off and close at the same time, if you know what I mean.
Overall Rating: 5.5


The plot according to Yahoo: From director Tony Scott and inspired by a real-life story, Keira Knightley stars as Domino Harvey, who rejected her privileged Beverly Hills lifestyle as the daughter of a famous actor (Lawrence Harvey) and a Ford agency model to become a bounty hunter in pursuit of society’s nastiest criminals. The film features a diverse supporting cast including Lucy Liu, Christopher Walken, Mena Suvari, Mickey Rourke, Jacqueline Bisset and Delroy Lindo.

Length: 1:50
Spoilerish: 4
Release: Summer 2005
Analysis: Interesting little film here that could potentially explode into monstrous business and be a surprise hit of the summer if it turns out to be half as interesting as its trailer makes it out to be. The pacing is right, the music fits, the dialogue works, and the one by one revelations of the characters is perfect. This thing has an all star cast and does itself a favor by flaunting it (Even though dropping names instead of profiles would have been better). Add in the fact it’s short and not overly spoilerish (Again, sometimes hard to tell what’s going on) and it’s a pretty fine trailer.
Overall Rating: 7.0

Dust to Glory

The plot according to Yahoo: A documentary about the Baja 1000, a grueling off-road race across one thousand miles of desert on the Baja peninsula of Mexico.

Length: 2:00
Spoilerish: 5.0
Release: April 1st, 2005 (Limited)
Analysis: An interesting documentary flick. The trailer is good for this type of film, and it’ll totally engross anyone even remotely interested. It’s a pretty specific kind of movie, so that’s not much to say. The trailer is pretty good for what it represents.
Overall Rating: 6.0


The Plot according to Yahoo: This is a three-part anthology film about love and sexuality by three directors from three disparate cultures. ‘The Dangerous Thread of Things’ is the story of a mÃ?©nage-a-trois between a couple and a young woman on the coast of Tuscany. ‘Equilibrium’ follows an advertising executive who is under enormous pressure at work. During visits to his psychiatrist, he delves into the possible reasons why his stress seems to manifest itself in a recurring erotic dream. ‘The Hand’ is a 1960s style and concerns a high-end call girl in an impossible love affair with her tailor.

Length: 1:14
Spoilerish: 4.0
Release: April 8th, 2005 (Top ten markets)
Analysis: I…err, well, what to say, really. This one is short but even then I’d hardly call it work friendly and would definitely keep the children away. It’s a very, very erotic trailer, and I can’t remember the last time I’d seen one of those *And no, Closer does not count* Apparently, it’s a three part film, and if that’s the case the trailer doesn’t spoil much overall. Again, it’s focus is on getting the erotic aspect of this movie across, and it succeeds by…erm…leaps and bounds. Not sure what else to say, really.
Overall Rating: 7.0 (I’m a weak, weak man)

King’s Ransom

The Plot according to Yahoo: Anthony Anderson stars as Malcolm King, a wealthy and arrogant businessman whose ex-wife to be has plans to take him for everything he’s worth in their divorce settlement. Determined to avoid losing his fortune to her, Malcolm plans his own kidnapping with the help of his dim-witted mistress and her ex-con brother. Unfortunately for Malcolm, he is not the only one with a kidnapping plot.

Length: 1:58
Spoilerish: 6.0
Release: April 22nd, 2005.
Analysis: The trailer for a comedy is always hard to do. Jay Mohr and Anthony Anderson are very funny guys if given the right material, and the trailer shows them really clicking with each other. It’s funny and actually makes you forget about the fact people have seen this concept a hundred different times. It doesn’t run too, too long but does give away a nice handful of some of the funnier scenes of the movie. It doesn’t really give away most of the plot, in a coherent way anyway, so brownie points for that. Slightly above average overall, but it made me laugh, so that counts for something a little extra.
Overall Rating:6.0

Wedding Crashers

The Plot according to Yahoo: Vaughn and Wilson star as a pair of divorce mediators who spend their weekends crashing weddings in a search for Ms. Right…for a night. But when one of them falls for the engaged daughter (Rachel McAdams) of an influential and eccentric politician (Christopher Walken) at the social event of the year, they get roped into spending a weekend at the family’s palatial waterfront estate and quickly find themselves in over their heads.

Length: 1:24
Spoilerish: 3.5
Release: July 22nd, 2005 .
Analysis: Haha. This one had me laughing really hard. You want to see how to do a trailer right for a comedy, look no further. An idea that kind of looks shady on paper, Vaughn and Wilson are absolutely hilarious in this trailer and definitely sell the film (or at least the idea) to me. It’s another teaser, a very short trailer to debut the film to people for now and give them a longer taste as July comes closer. But really, they could just stick with this teaser from now until opening day and people will still flock to this film. Great stuff overall.
Overall Rating: 7.5

Trailers for Films Opening This Very Weekend! (Weekend of April 1st, 2005)

Sin City

The Plot according to Yahoo: Sin City is a violent city where the police department is as corrupt as the streets are deadly. In this movie, we follow three stories, the central of which is Marv, a tough-as-nails and nearly impossible to kill street fighter who goes on a rampage of vengeance when a beautiful woman, Goldie (King), he sleeps with for only one night is killed while lying in bed with him.

Length: 2:03
Spoilerish: 5.0
Analysis: Gah. Words don’t describe how awesome this movie looks. I thought I knew it best when I first saw the teaser some time ago, but damn it, I’m in love. Almost everything in this trailer is perfect, and that is something I will rarely, if ever, say. It’s given me goosebumps – it’s that good. Watch it, and watch it now.
Overall Rating: 9.0

Beauty Shop

The plot according to Yahoo: Gina Norris (Queen Latifah) is a long way from the ‘Barbershop’ – now she’s in Atlanta making a name for herself at a posh Southern salon with her cutting-edge hairstyles. But when her flamboyant, egotistical boss (Kevin Bacon) takes it one criticism too far, she leaves his salon to open a shop of her own, taking the shampoo girl (Alicia Silverstone) and a few key clients (Andie MacDowell, Mena Suvari) with her. Gina buys a rundown salon and inherits an opinionated group of headstrong stylists (including Alfre Woodard), a colorful clientele, and a sexy upstairs neighbor (Djimon Hounsou).

Length: 2:11
Spoilerish: 7
Analysis: The early critical reviews coming in for this film are above average, it seems. Maybe my taste in movies is really my own, because I can honestly say this trailer does nothing for me, if not turning me off completely. But, from an *attempted* unbiased perspective, it’s a solid film for those fans of the…comedy genre. Well, a specific type of comedy anyway. The trailer is weak due to a decent amount of spoilers and the amount of plot given away. Average in the end, above average if you can look past its faults and/or have already made up your mind on seeing the film.
Overall Rating: 5.0

The Number One Movie in America!

Every week, I’ll take the number one movie in America and put its trailer here, just in case anyone hasn’t seen it yet (or you just loves the trailer). Also, comments from anyone who has seen the film and the trailer could be thrown in, to give you a complete idea about it and the movie.

Now I just need to hunt down Ryan Closs…….found him!

Guess Who.

The plot according to Yahoo : A sarcastic father (Mac) has plenty to say about his daughter wanting to marry a white boy (Kutcher).

Length: 2:15
Spoilerish: 6
Analysis: **By Ryan Closs**: Pretty good trailer, it shows a few too many of the better jokes in the movie unfortunately. But like any good trailer should do, if you found the trailer entertaining you’ll probably like the movie. Doesn’t in any way spoil what happens or any twists the movie takes, just gives a good overall feel of what you’ll be in for.
Overall Rating: 6.0 **By Norty**

Debating that DVD purchase? Check out the trailer first!

Yupp, each week, I’ll take the new, major DVD release(s) and put the trailer here too. Just to help you decide how to spend that cash or remind you about a movie, in case you forgot ^_^


The plot according to Yahoo: Set in contemporary London, this is the story of four strangers (Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman, and Clive Owen) – their chance meetings, instant attractions and casual betrayals.

Length: 2:31
Spoilerish: 7.5
Analysis: Well, I’ll try to be a professional and analyze this ignoring the knowledge of the cut scenes involving Natalie Portman. **Ahem** It comes across as a strong film with amazing performances by all four stars. The plot seems solid and the story special. Unfortunately, the trailer tells the viewer almost everything about the film. I’m sure many great scenes went unspoiled, but the movie overall is totally explained and given away in this way too long trailer. Still, I’ve been interested in seeing it, and the trailer doesn’t ruin that, so that counts for something.
Overall Rating : 4.5

After the Sunset

The plot according to Yahoo: After a successful last score, a master thief (Brosnan) retires to an island paradise. His lifelong nemesis, a crafty FBI agent, washes ashore to ensure he’s making good on his promise. The pair soon enters into a new game of cat-and-mouse.

Length: 2:29
Spoilerish: 6.0
Analysis: A pretty solid set up all around. Again, the plot is given away, but that can be a bit more easily forgiven, considering the type of film this is. No real, major spoilers here either. Fans of the romance/crime films are already seeing it, but the trailer includes more than enough action, excitement and drama to get the attention of average Joe movie man. Nothing special, but nothing offensive either. Slightly above average..
Overall Rating : 5.5

Wrapping it Up

So, that’ll do it for another week. Any thoughts or comments, send them my way, and, as usual,

Until next time…..

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