Hi-low everyone. This is the Weekly Pulse for Movies and I am your loveable internet personality, Shaun Norton. Not much to say other than the fact that, as a news guy, I grumble loudly and shake my first to the heavens at not being allowed to post fake news to jerk everyone’s chain. Of course, I can yell, scream, stomp my feet and curse the heavens, and Widro wouldn’t even hear me. *Grumble* Guess I just have to get some people good in real life.
Real Life is Damn Entertaining
This week, I present to you The Origin of April Fools Day. Quite an interesting read for those even remotely interested. Here’s hoping you get someone good today. ^_^
You Mean Inside Pulse Talks About Stuff Besides Movies?
Turns out we do.
Wrestling – It’s the final three days before Wrestlemania XXI. That is all you need to know.
Games – Lots of reviews this week, but you’ll want to focus on the coverage of the PSP’s launch. Oh, and read this. And read it now. It’s very important, and an absolutely EXCELLENT piece of work. Great, great job Lucard.
Music – I’m not a big music guy at all – I listen to a little bit of everything. But if YOU are big into this kinda thing, you’ll fit right in with this crew.
TV – Your one stop shop for all things Survivor, Apprentice, American Idol, and more! Did someone mention Live Coverage?
Sports – I don’t do sports, but these guys do, and they do a hell of a job too.
Comics – These guys make me want to start collecting and reading comics again. A fantastic section that you’d be hard-pressed to find better elsewhere.
Figures – Grown men play with/collect dolls/figures. And you do too. So read them, because they’re a very fun section of our site.
News You can Use – And We Abuse
You know the deal by now. J. Kern and myself take most of the news from the week, post it here in one easy-to-find spot, and then commentate on/make fun of/rip it up. The headlines are in bold, the news story underneath, and then our comments on said story.
News on X-3
IGN FilmForce have confirmed that Dark Phoenix (Famke Janssen) will indeed be the villain of the next X-Men film. Dark Phoenix will be the new alter ego of Jean Grey, who had the power to destroy the entire Universe in the comic books. But in the end, good triumphed and she destroyed herself to prevent that from happening. While she’ll be the main villain, she won’t be the only focus of the film. More….
Kern:: Hmm… Freshening up a story, eh? Only one thing to do: add Raven to the cast! She was a breath of fresh air in the dying days of Cosby. Although really any child actor will do. The key is giving them Family Circus-like cuteisms to spout. In fact, i say ditch Dark Phoenix altogether – it’s time for the Mojo-fueled X-Babies arc! Li’l Hugh! Li’l James! Li’l Halle!
Norty:: Are you on something right now? X-Babies arc? Gee, while we’re at it, you could bring in the baby Kristen Dunst wants Spiderman to have and have them team up to take out baby Magneto AND mini-Sentinels. Jeebus Kern, really now…
Kern:: Now you’re talking! The ultimate Marvel crossover! Secret Baby Wars! Mini Hulk! Mini Daredevil! Mini … uh … Jessica Alba!
Norty:: Why would you want a mini-Jessica Alba?
Kern:: Because she’s in the new Fantastic Four and i enjoy watching Dark Angel … with the sound off, naturally.
Norty:: Yeah I got that, but why shrink her down and turn her into a child? …..oh Kern, you’re a pedophile…
Kern:: That’s why i need to become a big rock star. What’s considered “pedophilia” in normal people is merely “charming idiosyncracy” in famous folks.
Norty:: Well, you’re not really big time anything right now Kerny. So ditch the lookin at little kids thing and focus instead on stuff like how X-3 could easily rock or suck.
Kern:: Name me a Third that’s ever worked.
Norty:: Return of the Jedi. Return of the King. Matrix Rev….Return of the King.
Kern:: Defining feature? From the beginning, they were conceived as a single entity. Lucas’ original script was one big monstrosity that encompassed the entire trilogy. X-Men, by contrast, was a one-off they hoped would make enough money to franchise. Judgement? Unless Marvel manages to go back in time and hire Peter Jackson to film all three X-films simultaneously … or unless they manage to revive Joseph Campbell to do some much-needed rewrites on the script, X-3 will lick mutant sack.
Norty:: One final question – did you think X-2 was good?
Kern:: It was good. It wasn’t great. Hell, it wasn’t even Good. But it’s not like it was Alien vs. Predator or anything.
Norty:: Interesting. Good enough for me – coming from you, that’s like a movie being gold.
Tony Scott to Re-Team with Bruckheimer?
Tony Scott is in negotiations to direct the romantic thriller Deja Vu for producer Jerry Bruckheimer and Walt Disney Studios.
Written by Terry Rossio and Bill Marsilii, the film tells the story of a CIA agent who travels back in time to save the life of a woman – only to find that he falls in love with her in the process. Some of their previous works together include the blockbusters Top Gun, Days of Thunder, Crimson Tide, and Enemy of the State.
Kern:: Brilliant! It’s like Top Gun in a time machine!
Norty:: Just wonderful…..fan of their work Kern?
Kern:: i’m convinced that this rash of time travel movies is the direct result of the Bush administration’s Luddite policies and retrograde mind set. “Remember the good old days? Like, the 5th Century A.D.? Good times…”
Norty:: Now there’s a movie I’d love to see Bruckheimer make. Forget Top Gun with a Time Machine, let’s see him give Bush and Cheny a time machine and go wild with it.
Kern:: The only good that could come of that is maybe they’d execute enough retarded people to accidentally prevent their own birth.
Norty:: Well, actually, I don’t know. Bush claims to be chosen by God to do what he does…..so where do you go with that, and keep it Top Gun style?
Kern:: Two words: Kenny Loggins.
Norty:: Interesting idea. While wearing headphones and listening to him, Bush and Cheny ramapage through time to save the U.S. of A. by putting hidden code inside the Constitution legally allowing them to rule forever. Oh, and Cheny has an affair with a young woman, realize’s she’s half gay, and dies of a heart attack at the end. It’d gross millions
Kern:: Half-gay? It doesn’t quite work like that. You don’t get government grants for being 1/16th gay. Descendants of gays were never known as quadroons and octaroons. Although i would plunk down my money to see Cheney say, “I’m 3/4 gay on my mother’s side.”
Norty:: Har. Har. I guess I should have just gone with bi-sexual.
Kern:: If you like Batman and Superman, does that make you half a Batfan and half a Superfan?
Norty:: …erm, I guess not, no. Okay okay. Point proven. Our movie idea would still rock though. Mostly because it’s so close to the weird reality we now live in, and people love films that are like real life. You know, like, say, National Treasure.
Kern:: So, what? You’re saying Harvey Keitel isn’t a member of the Illuminati?
Norty:: Perhaps it’s best we move on now.
Kern:: Goddamn right. Fnord, bitch.
Halley Berry Speaks on X-3
Halle Berry has been pretty vocal about the fact that she doesn’t want to put on Storm’s costume again unless they write a bigger part for her. Berry posted her ‘updated’ feelings on the issue on her website this week:
“I have not read the script. All I asked is that if I come back Storm needs MORE TO DO,” Berry posted. “So, if they have in fact written her closer to the comic book, then I’m in …if not then I’m out. I hope I’m in though. I love Storm and really want to be a part of the last film.”
Kern: She should really cut her losses and refuse to be in any comic book-related endeavor. They couldn’t gie her a big enough role to wipe the atrocity of Catwoman out of my brain.
Norty:I honestly don’t think nearly as much about Halle as everyone else does. And as for her making demands on X-3? Give me a break. If she doesn’t like the cash cow, let her find her own somewhere else and give the role to someone more deserving and grateful.
Kern: i imagine she doesn’t get much milk off this particular cow, which would explain her intransigence on the issue. She’s one of, what, 140 X-Men that make it onscreen?
Norty: True enough, but even looking at it THAT way, she’s part of a franchise that, if treated right, can go more than three films. It’s guaranteed cash in an easy role that, if she had the right attitude, would win over fans and non-fans alike. Please. She’s such a…ugh.
Kern: Dogwoman?
Norty: That’s a start.
Kern: Movie stars do small movies for the art and big movies for the cash. Why in Dog’s name do you think she would do a big movie on an art film salary? No Oscars to be won here.
Norty: James Marsden doesn’t bitch, does he? How about Rebecca Romijn-Stamos? Both have parts not much bigger than Berry’s, and could shrink in three. She’s doing other films….argh Kern, okay you know what? If she doesn’t like it, get the fook out!
Kern: Yeah, because Marsden and Romijn-Lettuce are just dripping with accolades. Nickelodeon Awards don’t count. Neither do MTV Awards, SAG Awards or Mrs. Tidwell’s 3rd Grade Class Movieman of the Year certificate. You wanna class up your stinky summer junker of a film, you gots t’pay!
Norty: Meh. Normally I take your snide attitude in stride, but you’re beginning to irk me on this one. Maybe it’s my contempt for all things Halle, but either way, we should move on.
Kern: You’re just jealous because Billy Bob got a piece of that before you. Nobody likes to think that they’re less attractive than Billy Bob Thornton, but cop to it, Norty … women take to you like they take to yeast infection. Admit it now and we’ll work through it together…
Norty: Showing Halle the time of her life compared to some hick has NOTHING to do with anything. Move on now Kern, for our own good and the sanity of the readers.
Villian Deciced on for Spidey 3?
One source says Venom. Another says Man-Wolf, and many have also tossed around the Black Cat idea. Aint it Cool News now says the villain of Spiderman 3 will in fact be The Sandman.
“Multiple spies at Sony have confirmed that Thomas Hayden Church will indeed be playing SANDMAN. There’s a ton of Sandman conceptual art all over the Spidey-offices!”, says Harry Knowles. More…
Kern: We’ve been through so many iterations of this, it’s making me nauseous. When the movie’s been filmed, send me stills of the villain and we’ll chat. If i hear one more word about, “The villain’s Venom! No, it’s Man-Wolf! No, it’s Mary Jane in a giant robot eggplant!” i will stab you. In the face. WITH THE VULTURE, who as we all know, is the real villain of SM3.
Norty: The Vulture, please. I’d rather see Electro deliver The Shocker to Mary Jane than see The Vulture on screen. Of course, I feel the same way about The Sandman in comparison to not picking Venom, but what do I know?
Kern: Did you hear me? IN THE FACE.
Norty: Bah. Your idle threats mean nothing to me. I’d be more afraid of being shanked by a Canadian than stabbed in the face by you.
Kern: Yeah, but i’d stab you with a copy of Baby Geniuses 2. Ain’t nobody coming back from that.
Norty: How do you stab someone in the face with a movie? Like, break the DVD? Somehow sharpen the box? That comment makes as much sense as casting Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane.
Kern: DO NOT QUESTION THE RAIMI. Raimi is The One.
Norty: True enough, but even The One makes mistakes.
Kern: Like making a fantastic movie for ungrateful bastards like yourself? True enough.
Norty: Actually, I love the movies, you bitter tool. Don’t try to turn this on me. One mistake in two films ain’t too shabby. But it’s still a mistake.
Kern: Funny, your mother and I were talking the other night and she said the same about you.
Norty: Ah, when you’ve nothing else, return to the mom jokes. Fine by me Kern – at least I know when I’ve ‘got your goat’ as they say.
Kern: Who says that? Goat herders? Because those are about the only people who don’t appreciate the hotness of one Kirsten Dunst.
Norty: Who questions a well-known saying? Insecure tools?
Kern: Revolutionaries, my friend, revolutionaries.
Norty: Oh please – being hot is NOT a pass that automatically makes you a good actress.
Kern: So what is your criteria for a good actor, you Keanu whore?
Norty: Keanu whore? Do you even pay attention to what we write here? I am as anti-Keanu as you are, you goon!
Kern: Sorry. i just use that term as a swear word. i don’t mean you literally enjoy Keanu’s work, it’s metaphorical.
Norty: Understood. And my criteria for a good actor is a whole discussion by itself, so let’s move on.
Has the Studio Chosen a New Bond?
IESB (www.iesb.net) says Academy Award Nominee Clive Owen is about to be announced as the next James Bond. A reporter for the site claims to not only have gotten a passive nod from Owen on the subject, but direct confirmation from an associate of his that it is a ‘done deal’. More…
Kern: *shrug* Might as well be telling me who the new Buck Rogers is going to be for all i care. Bond is a Cold War icon whose time has passed. These days, i demand my spies be hot, wear multiple outfits per episode and be named Sidney Bristow. Bond does none of these things.
Norty: Fair enough. I care not for the current Bond franchise. I have a spot in my movie heart for the Bond of old, of course, and who knows, maybe Owen or whoever can breathe fresh life into the franchise. But yeah, otherwise I agree with you.
Kern: i guess i’m just surly because i catch hell when i tell people that i preferred Roger Moore to Sean Connery.
Norty: Bah. To each his own. Both men were good in their own right and in the way they each brought something to the table.
Kern: You mean like the way Connery always brings his Welsh accent to the table, regardless of what the character in question requires? i would love to see him cast as Shaka Zulu someday to see how they explain that little quirk in the 19th century African chieftain’s character…
Norty: That’d be pretty funny, interesting, and sad at the same time. What about the way Moore brought the…..erm….well, I can’t think of anything, really.
Kern: Smarm. He brought an oily condescension that perfectly mirrored the decade he came from.
Norty: Fair enough. Did you like the Brosnan era of Bond?
Kern: Eh. It was what it was. By that point, the character was pretty much done; brought low by the John Maclaines and by the grunge-era distrust of authority that spawned the X-Files…
Norty: So can they do anything remotely cool or original with the franchise now?
Kern: Make him hot, wear multiple outfits and be named Sidney Bristow.
Norty:: A hot, multiple outfit-wearing James Bond would do the trick for you eh Kerny? Well, ain’t that a
Kern:: What can i say? i guess i’m half-gay for super spies.
Norty:: Nothing else, really. Nothing else…ass….
M. Night Casting for New Film
M. Night Shyamalan has already made some casting choices for Lady in the Water, his next picture which will be distributed by Warner Bros. Pictures. The film’s plotline will tell the story of a building superintendent who discovers a female nymph in the swimming pool of his building. For the nymph, Shyamalan wants Bryce Dallas Howard (The Village), and for the superintendent Shyamalan wants Paul Giamatti (Sideways).
Norty: After Sideways, I’d watch Giamatti in anything (Except gay porn). After The Village, Shyamalan can burn in hell for all I care.
Kern: Maybe the twist ending will be Shyamalan doing gay porn with Giamatti in hell!
Norty: Well, if there was anything that could turn me off to movies forever, that’d probably be it.
Yeah, right about now real life hit Kern pretty hard with something shady and put him in a foul, foul mood. Kern is not one to be messed with in this mood, and rather than expose you, the valuable reader, to a series of explicatives and dirty, dirty thoughts on Amanda Peet and the whole concept of the Miami Vice film, I made the executive decision to cut the news here. Trust me, you’re better off in the end.
Trailer of the Week: Wedding Crashers
The Plot: Vaughn and Wilson star as a pair of divorce mediators who spend their weekends crashing weddings in a search for Ms. Right…for a night. But when one of them falls for the engaged daughter (Rachel McAdams) of an influential and eccentric politician (Christopher Walken) at the social event of the year, they get roped into spending a weekend at the family’s palatial waterfront estate and quickly find themselves in over their heads.
The Link: Here
The Analysis:
Ryan “Owen Wilson is My Idol” Closs: I love both Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson so a movie with both of them as the stars is almost irresistible to me. Looks reasonably funny in a Dodgeball stupid, don’t have to think much but still entertaining kind of way. Looks like it’ll be one of the few hollywood flicks to take me away from my normal indie fare this summer.
Rob “Weddings Are So NOT Badass!” Sutton: Back to the trailer, I’m under the impression that Vince Vaughn should be in every movie coming out from now on. Last year the guy had funny performances one right after the other and personally I think he’s hilarious. I wish Wes Mantooth would get his own spinoff movie. I also think Wilson’s funny especially if he’s in a Wes Anderson Movie or if he’s teamed with Jackie Chan, but I like seeing him in stuff that’s just meant to be goofy. Throw in Christopher Walken and I’ve already bought my movie ticket.
Brendan “The Canadian Wedding Crasher” Campbell:This movie will be hilarious. Hands down. It’s coming out during a busy time, as War of the Worlds and Fantastic Four will both be out around this time. It targets a different crowd though, and like Dodgeball, could be a underdog hit! Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn are part of the infamous Frat Pack, who rock in all movies. Their style and delivery is untouchable and this movie will be no different. It will be hilarious, and Owen Wilson is without a doubt one of the most underrated comics of our time. Say what you will, but his delivery and persona is just classic. I can’t see this movie NOT hitting $100 million during its run. Long live the Frat Pack!
J “Weddings are for Tools” Kern: Frat Pack? Christ, how many more iterations of that abomniable label do we have left? Drat Pack, Prat Pack (Brits only!), Grrrat Pack (militant feminists), and maybe Mrat Pack if some enterprising young intern00b feels like creating a new slang term. Watching Owen Wilson fritter away his talents on big-budget crap fests (how about slant rhymes? Crap Pack?) like this makes me sad. i’ve been the worlds biggest Owen booster since Bottle Rocket, but even *I* have my limits. He can feel free to collect his paycheck on this Man-child Learns a Lesson But Not Really formula garbage, but he’ll have to do it without my eight bucks.
Michaelangelo “They Don’t Even Invite Me to Weddings” McCullar: Well, that was surreal. Watching Owen Wislon in a movie with Vince Vaughn is akin to finding out your wife cheated on you with your brother. Was Luke unavailable, or is he doing Shanghai Noodles with Jackie Chan? This trailer does zero for me. It looks like a trite, mediocre comedy that people will flock to the first week it’s out and then abandon like the Titanic. You know, both of these guys are talented actors, and I’m getting a bit exhausted watching them in banality after banality. Wake me up when it hits DVD.
Steve “I Was Supposed to be Married – Three Times” Coogan: Wedding Crashers will be juvenile and funny. I’ll laugh a bunch of times and probably keep a few quotes in my head for future jokes. But ultimately, I’ll leave the movie feeling disappointed and wondering why everyone thinks these guys are so friggin’ funny. My question is why couldn’t Domino be the trailer of the week? If it wasn’t partly based on a true story, I’d have fun calling it laughingly unrealistic. But more importantly, Brian A. Green (not Brian Austin Green anymore…) and Ian Ziering from 90210 are in it!!!! GOLD!!!!! GOLD!!!!!”
Reviews We Sit Through – For You!
Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous – Scott Sawitz, relative new-comer to our fold here, get’s the….priviledge….of sitting in on this, apparently, absolutely pointless and overall terrible sequel. I, too, find a guilty pleasure in watching Sandra do her thing on film, but you couldn’t even pay me to catch this flick on HBO in six months. Maybe it’s your thing though, but read Scott’s review of the film first to get a feel for what you’ll be walking into.
On DVD
End of the Century: The Story of The Ramones
– Mike McCullar reviews what he calls “one of the better rockumentaries to come out in years.” He claims it’s for fans of the band and for fans of music alike, and I’m not inclined to disagree with him. Personally, I doubt I could easily sit through something like this for so long, but that’s just me. Either way, definitely a review for music and non-music people alike to read up on.
After the Sunset – Scott Sawitz also chimes in with a DVD review this week. Unfortunately for him, it’s another dud. This one, apparently, had tons and tons of potential and was just utterly wasted. It’s always a shame when that happens. Check out his review to find out just went wrong with the film in the end.
We Even Do Columns!
Matt Coates returns with The Holistic DVD Column #2. It’s a solid second offering from Matt. Have you ever laughed aloud during a tense scene in a scary movie? How about giggled foolishly as others looked on during a drama? You know where I’m going with this, and if you have (who hasn’t?) this is definitely the column for you.
You can always count on Rob Sutton to deliver the Badass goodness. No exception this week, as he continues his march towards War of the Worlds with Part 5 of his prep: The Underrated Sequel. He covers another awesome movie this week in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Stop reading me and read him. Now. Then go watch the movie. Then come back…..make sure you come back.
And then of course we have Brad Torreano and his Mondo Culto. His work fascinates me this week, as a movie fan and as an ex-Christian. I’ve never understood why the Church gets so worked up over films about Christ. Well, maybe the vampire slayer one but…okay okay. Anyway, for an incredibly interesting read, check out The Last Temptation of Culto. Great stuff.
Rob Russo returns with Setting the Trend. This week, he takes an interesting look at the rise of comic book movies – the masterpieces and the pieces of…erm. Yeah. Anywho, he makes a lot of valid points here and I agree with a few. However, I don’t hope the Spiderman saga ends in 2007 (Though it will) and I kinda like the idea of the Green Lantern getting his own movie. But that’s just me. Be sure to read him, as it’s a nice piece of work.
I also write a column on trailers. Everybody loves trailers, right? Sin City opens this week, what else do you care about? Unless you’re Brendan Campbell and you love House of 1000 Corpses, in which case check out the new Devil’s Rejects trailer this week.
Features
Gotta hand it to Brendan Campbell, he’s taking the ball and trying to run with it with features. Our end of the month fun comes in the form of Originals vs Remakes, and some awesome articles are written covering some big time remakes. Head here to check all of them out.
Unfortunately, then Campbell went all sleazy lawyer on us. He decided to defend Keanu Reeves on the grounds he is actually a decent actor with talent. I know, I know, and I give him credit for having some guts, but come on. What jury on Earth would rule in favor of Reeves being GOOD at what he does? My dog shows more emotion on home movies than he does on film. ANY film. *Ahem* In any case, head here again to check out the three part trial and come to a ruling of your own (I doubt it’ll be hard).
The End
Well, that’s a wrap. Some interesting things happening around IP and the world in general, and it’ll be…erm, interesting to see how they pan out. Should anything noteworthy happen, you know where to look next week.
As usual,
Until Next Time…
