The Weekly Music Pulse: The Saturday Swindle Sheet #87

Pictured above is the flyer for my upcoming weekly DJ gig, premiering this Wednesday in a southwest suburb of Chicago. Anyone in the area should come out, as it will be awesome. I have not DJed consistently since the spring of 2003, and it’s exciting to be back.

While I’m not Catholic, or even Christian for that matter, I feel compelled to pay respect to Giovanni Paolo II, who was 84. He was truly one of the (if not the most) diplomatic popes ever. He was open-minded enough to reach out to the Jews, Muslims, and the Orthodox Church, something that no other pope had done before. He even met with and publicly forgave Ali Agca, who had tried to assassinate him in 1981, an attempt that was almost successful. He also became the first pope to ever meet with a Soviet leader, Mikhail Gorbachev, despite reports that the KGB may have actually ordered his assassination. He was a highly effective leader who had a sharp wit that he wasn’t afraid to show. We here at The Saturday Swindle Sheet are deeply saddened by this loss. You can read what some of our staffers have to say about this story right here.

October 15, 1979

We’d also like to pay respect to Johnny Cochran and Mitch Hedberg, who both died this week as well, of a brain tumor and a possible cardiac arrest, respectively. Cochran had been ailing for several months, while Hedberg’s death came as a bit more of a surprise, seeing as he was only 37. Hedburg was found in a New Jersey hotel room, and the official cause of death is not certain; however, his family has been told that it was the result of a heart attack. I saw him live a few years back, and I would be remiss to not say that the comic world has suffered a great loss.

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by the Jewish Vocational Service of Chicago, by which my friend Eddy is currently employed. Which reminds me of a classic story from The Saturday Swindle Sheet #36

I have a degree from a Big 10 university and I was stuffing envelopes like a chimp for $10 last week. I received a call from a temp agency that I am currently working with, and the woman informed about a position in a southwest suburb of Chicago where I would be stuffing envelopes to mail out for a company. Seeing as that I had no other job prospects at the time, who was I to give up the easy money?

I show up early and the woman that hired me wasn’t even there yet. She was about 15 minutes late. She showed me around the office and set up all of my mailing materials in a boardroom. I was in the room, by myself for 2 days. I mailed out and stuffed 800 envelopes. Yeah, it was not fun. It was not until the second day that I realized that there was a radio in the room. I turned it on which helped to maintain my sanity for the duration of day two, but I digress.

The woman periodically came in to check up on me as the day progressed. Evidently, she realized that the task was mind numbingly stupid and she feared that I would have smothered myself in a pile of envelopes. Perhaps that would have provided some much-needed stimulation. The lack of oxygen just might have aroused me in some twisted form of auto-erotica. Michael Hutchence should have been more creative.

Anyhow, the day was long and the work was tedious. I went home. Later that night, I received a call from the temp agency. It is a guy this time. It turns out that the company that I was stuffing envelopes for called this guy to inform him that I was doing a great job. Evidently I was more productive than a monkey would have been. The woman that hired me had just one peculiar request. She informed the guy at the agency that, although I did a great job, something about me disturbed her.

Here’s the conversation that I had with the guy from the agency…

“Hey, the woman said that you are doing a great job, but she has a really weird request. This has never been asked of me before, but I need to know. What kind of cologne do you wear?”

I was perplexed at the question, but I informed him that I was wearing Gravity. It is a scent that I have been wearing since high school, because the women always told me that it smells great. I listen to the ladies of course. The guy from the agency continued.

“Tomorrow…you cannot wear Gravity. Apparently that cologne that you were wearing reminds the woman that hired you of her ex-boyfriend and so she doesn’t want you to wear it.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. I have never heard of something so absurd. I would understand an allergy or something like that, but an ex-boyfriend? This woman was a freak! It didn’t help that she had a moustache as thick as mine. Sure it was blonde, but it was really bushy!

The people that I informed about my oddball friend compelled me to drown myself in the scent so that I would drive the young lady insane. I decided to be professional about it and I wore another scent.

The next day the woman didn’t show up for several hours. However, the guy from the temp agency arrived to give me my time card so that I could get paid for my envelope stuffing genius. He informed me that it wasn’t that she didn’t want me to not wear the scent because of the repressed memory of a bad boyfriend, rather she was allergic to it. I asked the guy how he was able to confuse allergy with ex-boyfriend and he told me that he had too much beer the night that he called me. Great…I have alcoholics attempting to find me jobs now. That is my story. The moral of the story is; find a full time position…fast! Temp agencies suck!


Mathan Erhardt vs. Kenzo Suzuki (w/Wife Whose Name I Forgot)
Suzuki comes out first with WWNIF and gets decent heat from the crowd. Mathan gets a good pop and comes out dressed like Fat 1970s Glitzy Elvis because he lives in Las Vegas and must apparently show that by dressing like Fat 1970s Glitzy Elvis. Maybe if Las Vegas had a professional sports team he’d be wearing a jersey for that team. How the hell does Florida get 3 football teams when a Las Vegas football team would draw millions? I blame Bobby Brown. Suzuki attacks first with multiple chops, as Mathan gets backed into the corner. He ducks in time to dodge a kick from Suzuki and rolls out the ring to regroup. You can tell he’s still reeling from his upset loss to Mike Eagle in February’s Saturday Swindle Sheet Battle Royale. He gets back into the ring and locks up with Suzuki, turning it into a suplex, which gets a two-count. Mathan follows it up with an attempt at a sleeper but Suzuki gets to the ropes to break it up. Quick rake to the eyes by Suzuki allows him to get up and execute a roundhouse kick, followed by leg drop, which gets a two-count. Suzuki goes the top and tries for a tope con giro, but Mathan moves out of the way and gets up to start STOMPING A MUDHOLE in Suzuki. He picks up Suzuki and locks in an abdominal stretch, then hits a DDT and gets two. Mathan tosses Suzuki to the ropes but his clothesline attempt gets ducked and Suzuki hits a spinning heel kick. Both men are down, and Suzuki rolls to the outside as Mathan gets up and goes towards the ropes to meet him. Suzuki is up on the outside and pulls Mathan legs out from under him. Suzuki gets back into the ring and drops an elbow and gets a two-count. Mathan plugged everyone but me in his column this week, but I will assume it was a mistake and allow him to regain the offense, so he gets up and hits the MID-CARD SPINEBUSTER, followed by the UNKLE Reference and gets the pin at 8:13. ***1/2 This match was a good opener and proves that Mathan is a better singles wrestler, as this match gets a 1/2* more than last year’s tag match with Phil McCann.

D’Estroyer vs. “The Masterpiece” Chris Masters
Chris Masters is apparently some new guy who’s getting a halfway decent inaugural push while Nova is reduced to tagging with Maven while trying to make a horrid gimmick not suck. This is Tom’s first Dramatis Personae Wrestlemania Edition match, and he comes to the ring CHALK (sic) FULL OF ENERGY! BWAHAHAHA! How rediculous (sic)! Tom starts with kicks to the midsection of Masters, and follows up with an attempt at a DROPKICK OF HORRIFIC PROPORTIONS, but Masters ducks and Tom goes down. Masters kicks Tom a few times, and then picks him up and hits a sidewalk slam, which gets two. Masters tries for a powerbomb, but YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB D’ESTROYER and he hits a facebuster for the two count. D’Estroyer goes up top and hits the Shooting Star METAL Press, followed by the Mix of the Moment, but it’s MICHAELANGELO McCULLAR on the apron to distract the referee as he mocks Warrant and plugs the Hair Band Concours D’elegance. Tom is covering Masters but the ref is still trying to get Michaelangelo off of the apron, and Widro comes out to put an end to the Warrant bashing and tosses Michaelangelo as the ref finally goes to count the pin, although Masters kicks out at two. Tom is visibly annoyed, and he goes to the outside to give Michaelangelo HIS TWO CENTS. Widro is holding Michaelangelo as Tom grabs the METAL chair and goes to hit Michaelangelo, although he moves and Tom mistakenly drills Widro as Michaelangelo escapes into the crowd. D’Estroyer gets into the ring with the chair and nails Masters for the Sportz Entertainment Finish at 10:28. **1/2 Match was pretty good until the DQ mumbo jumbo. Michaelangelo is shown in the stands, laughing at D’Estroyer, more than likely setting up a feud that will be based around the number of posts that each has on the staff forums.

Gloomchen and Kyle David Paul vs. Molly Holly and Maven
This is either mixed tag match or an inter-gender tag match; I actually have no f*cking idea what the difference is. Gloomchen and Molly lock up to start it out and Molly gets tossed. Gloomchen hits her with CLUBBING FOREARMS, and picks her up, but Molly fights her off and gets a kick to the midsection, followed by an ATOMIC DROP FROM THE DEPTHS OF HADES. Molly gets the tag to Maven, who hammers away on Gloomchen and then drops an elbow for a two-count. He picks her up and gets a backbreaker, then tags in Molly. Molly kicks away on Gloomchen, as Gloomchen is YOUR face-in-peril. She tosses Gloomchen into the corner and goes for a splash but Gloomchen moves out of the way and hits the Rolling Germans before collapsing as both women are down. Gloomchen crawls to the corner and tags in KDP while Molly gets the tag on Maven, and it’s BONZO GONZO as KDP clotheslines Maven and dropkicks Molly off of the apron. He hits Maven with the Fantastic Joy Division Reference and follows it up with the Nine Inch Nails Reference (which is probably why JJ Botter was absent from this week’s lineup), but blows the spot by classifying Roni Size as hip-hop when he’s actually jungle. Maven gets up as “Brown Paper Bag” starts playing overhead and starts dancing to it, because you can, in fact, dance to jungle. Just ask the British. KDP gets the tag to Gloomchen, who rolls up Maven while he’s in middle of dancing for the quick pin at 7:14. ** Gloomchen and KDP are both awesome, but, according to Hoyle, these inter-gender mixed polysexual equal opportunity tag matches can never be rated more than two stars.

“Open” Mike Eagle vs. John Cena
(winner must get fall or submission in under 10 minutes)
Rap off to start, as John Cena rhymes “Open Mike” with “Little Tykes.” Oh, snap. Eagle answers by rhyming “Bavarian Illuminati” with “Fuck Irv Gotti.” It had nothing to do with Cena, but it’s still very obviously the superior snap. Let Us Take You Back to February when Eagle upset Mathan in The Saturday Swindle Sheet Battle Royale. What you DIDN’T SEE was right after the match when John Cena came out of the crowd and pasted him with the chain, setting up the feud which has culminated here IN THIS VERY RING. Eagle attacks to start with punch punch punch punch, as Cena fights back with punch punch punch punch, and this match is brought to you by Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli and Stacker 2 Ephedra free. Eagle gets the better of it, and follows up with a clothesline. Quick two count, and Eagle gets the rear chinlock, which Cena fights off with the elbow, elbow, elbow. Cena gets up and PUMMELS Mike Eagle into the corner, slamming his head into the turnbuckle a few times. Eagle with a knee to the midsection and gets a quick DDT for two. Eagle picks up Cena and attempts a powerslam, but Cena escapes and hits a quick F-U out of nowhere to give him the pin at 6:13. That was a quick and unsatisfying payoff to this feud. But wait, Jed Shaffer is out to REWRITE THE BOOK, and puts us back to the 5th minute, where Eagle gets the knee to the midsection, but this time he follows up with a powerbomb, and goes up top for the HIGH RISK MANOEUVRE. Eagle hits the moonsault, and then tosses Cena to the ropes and hits running lariat. He follows up with the Talib Kweli Is A Herb Story, and locks on the Hip-Hop Cred Clutch for the submission at 9:52. *** Eagle gets the win at the very last minute, something that we here at The Saturday Swindle Sheet have no idea about. Go see Eagle at Lyric’s at San Bernardino on Tuesday, where he’ll be taking requests.

That_Bootleg_Guy vs. La Park[a]
That’s right, for the second year in a row, these two are headlining the Dramatis Personae Wrestlemania Edition, because I can. La Parka comes out playing the chair like a guitar, and he makes his way to the ring, where he stands on the chair and waits for Cameron to come out. Cameron’s music hits, but he’s a NO SHOW. We wait for about an hour, but I have to send this thing out, so it’s a no contest.


Neil Young was hospitalized on Tuesday, just days before a scheduled performance at Canada’s Juno Awards on Sunday, to treat an aneurysm in his brain. The singer had experienced blurred vision following the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony on March 14th, and an examination showed the presence of the aneurysm. Young, who is expected to make a full recovery, later told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, “I’m really disappointed that I won’t be able to make it to Winnipeg for the Junos as I had hoped. I grew up there and was really looking forward to the show as well as spending some time with my old friends and family. … Thanks to my doctors, I’m feeling a lot better now so I hope I can get a rain check. Plus, Trevor Presiloski has been missing in action for a while anyway, so until we find out what rock he’s hiding under, I don’t think that there’s going to be a recap for the show.”

UPDATE: We’ve found Trevor Presiloski! He was hibernating in a woodshed in Antigo, Wisconsin. Thanks to Stanley and Estelle Winston of Antigo, for their information leading this discovery.

Trevor: Hey all, I realise it’s been awhile, but Jeffrey has been able to drag me kicking and screaming back to Inside Pulse. My former Minority Report comrade was looking for someone to commentate on the Junos, but alas, this hardknock life I lead has me running short on time, so no Junos. I realise that the roughly 2 people this will affect are going to be upset about it, but that’s life.

I will say this, though. Expect Shania Twain to win every single award this year, including the Doritos Fan Excellence Award, and the best male performer award. Celine Dion is in her coffin or something this year, so look for the other Canadian ‘diva’ to sweep things.

On a track from a ‘Best Of’ disc, no less.

Suge Knight was ordered to pay $107 million to Lydia Harris, who claimed that she helped found Death Row Records in 1989, but Knight kicked her out of the company soon thereafter. She also claimed in her 2002 lawsuit (which never went to trial) that he had also made several efforts to ruin her credibility in the industry and defame her in relation to music management. “[Knight’s] conduct made it clear that he did not intend to honor his agreement or pay the shares of profit due her,” according to Harris’ lawyer. “He also publicly insulted her and falsely accused her of promiscuity and incompetence.” The monetary damages are the sum of $60 million in punitive damages, $45 million in economic damages, and $2 million in “non-economic” damages. Knight plans to cut a check sometime next week, after which time he will attempt to kill Harris, her lawyers, the judge, and anyone else who was involved, including the janitor at the courthouse. In an unrelated story, he will also beat a Los Angeles-area movie theater employee to within inches of his life after the butter dispenser in the lobby runs out of butter.

Who hasn’t Suge Knight alienated, killed, threatened to beat up, sent a sack of dog shit to, exactly? At least Lydia Harris can comfort herself knowing that Suge has done far more to ruin his *own* credibility of his record label than anything he could’ve done to her. Not that I’m saying he hasn’t flogged the horse that is 2Pac’s catalogue to death, but what was the last thing Death Row popped out that was even moderately interesting?

Brian “Head” Welch, former Korn guitarist cum born-again Christian man-at-arms, has been antagonizing 50 Cent as of late, most recently writing a diss track which, rather, he interprets as “a message from God.” Welch told reporters that while on a recent trip to Israel, God spoke to him and told him to write a song chastising 50 Cent for his “evil” ways. The song, called “A Cheap Name,” contains the lyrics “My little boy/ Bow your head in shame/ You’ve disgraced your father’s name now/ It’s time for you to lose … Your little toys/ Won’t save you from shot 10/ Without me you will not win, no/ I swear you’ll lose … Love, Jesus.” Welch also sent out a statement to 50 Cent, saying, “You’re a huge force for the devil right now. He’s going to put demons around you that tell you I’m crazy and God is for punks … to convince you that money, fame and power are the things you should worship. I don’t know if you’re supposed to live or get smoked. Only God knows the future. Like I said, I’m just the messenger. All I know is God told me to tell you he loves you and playtime’s over and it’s time to come home. He said he’s been with you, keeping you safe this whole time. He’s the reason you took nine. Not because you’re Superman.” 50 Cent responded by saying, “Oh, and it’s NOT God’s fault that I look like a rhinoceros?!”

You know, when I read about Brian Welch converting to Christianity, my first thought was ‘why the hell is this newsworthy?’ Korn hasn’t done jack all since like 1999, why give them publicity now? You’d think Welch would’ve learnt from both Everlast, Ja Rule& Benzino not to go after the Shady Records crew. Look for Welch’s career to become deader than the Pope as soon as 50 Cent retaliates. Yes, cheap heat off of the death of another important figure. For my next trick, I will make a joke involving Terry Shiavo and scat pornography…

Paul Hester, the former drummer for 80s bands Crowded House and Split Enz, was found dead in a park near his home in Melbourne, Australia on Saturday. The 46-year-old Melbourne native had gone to walk his two dogs on Friday night, but failed to return home. A subsequent police search discovered Hester’s body hanging from a tree in a nearby park, the apparent result of suicide. Crowded House singer Neil Finn told The Daily Telegraph, “I am devastated. I have lost one of my best mates. Hester was a founding member of Crowded House when it formed in 1985, but left the band in 1994.

Well, I can’t really say much here, even though I had just taken a cheapshot at the Pope one story previous. Crowded House was one of those bands that was before my time and one I had never really gotten into, so I can’t say a whole lot.

HOWEVER, knowing how the media works, expect a VH1 Special, a ‘memorial concert’ to be held, and a reality television series where the remaining members of Crowded House will look for a new drummer to have join and then leave the band to replace the one that just killed himself. Maybe they could chat up the INXS guys and take notes as to how to completely whore someone’s dead name out for the sake of television.

Quick Bits

The upcoming Sounds of the Underground tour will make its first stop on June 25th in Lowell, Massachusetts. Confirmed for the tour are Opeth, Lamb of God, Clutch, and Poison the Well. D’Estroyer will be there… signing autographs!

Robert Smith of The Cure will be featured on Billy Corgan’s upcoming solo album, TheFutureEmbrace. The two have recorded a cover of the Bee Gees’ “To Love Somebody.” I’m scared.

You’re not the only one who is scared, Jeff. Much as I don’t *mind* the Cure, coupling Smith’s vocals w/ Corgan’s own cauterwauling is a recipe for disaster. I suppose they could’ve made it worse by inviting Conor Obrest from Bright Eyes to lend his vocal expertise and create a song where you WILL kill yourself upon hearing it. Thank heaven for small favors, at least.

Master P and brother Silkk the Shocker were charged with felony gun possession after Los Angeles police discovered two unregistered guns in a vehicle that the two were stopped in, back in January. They had been stopped for driving without license plates.

In honor of Wrestlemania tomorrow, expect Swoll to come to Master P’s aid, hip tossing the entire LAPD, causing a DQ. Kinda weak finish, and just indicative of how LAPD is keeping everyone down. **1/2.

Snow Patrol has replaced the recently ousted bassist Mark McClelland with Paul Wilson, formerly of Terra Diablo.

Linkin Park’s resident whiner, Chester Bennington, is heading a 10-year anniversary party for Club Tattoo in Tempe, Arizona, a club that was founded by a close friend of his. He will be performing without the rest of the band, and the show will also feature members of Orgy and TSOL. Proceeds will go to the Tsunami Victims Relief Fund.

Where oh where do I begin here? I suppose it is swell that Chester is lending his time for money to be donated to people who were victims of THE Tsunami, but… gah, you have to LISTEN to him still sing. How about I donate some dough to a Linkin Park non-concert (or hell, even TOUR) which will prevent him from singing a single, solitary note, but will ALSO benefit those poor folks out in Tsunami Land?

Barbra Streisand has announced that she will be releasing a new album in September. It will feature writing and production by Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees.

After locating me from said woodshed, the first thing out of Mr. Fernandez’s mouth were ‘OH MY GOD THE BEE GEES PRODUCER IS TEAMING UP WITH BABS! FINALLY!’ Almost drove me right back to where I came from, but expect a review of her forthcoming album on the Inside Pulse Reviews page from Jeff as soon as it is in his hot little hands.

Björk has arranged a benefit album for UNICEF, named after her single Army of Me. The album, which will be available on May 31st, will feature different permutations of the song, including heavy metal, country, hip-hop, and more.

There’s also the perfectly f*cking normal version of the song, which will not have any weird compositions, singing, or surreal as hell videos. Britney Spears will be lending vocal talents to it. Finally. Bjork and Britney. TOGETHER!

The Muppets version of The Wizard of Oz, starring Ashanti as Dorothy, will be broadcast May 20th on ABC.

This is nothing new for Ashanti, as she’s been used to working with the Cookie Monster for quite some time. ZING!


The lovely Aisha Bell from EMI Music Marketing has a plethora of upcoming (US) CD release dates…




From Astralwerks…

The Chemical Brothers return to American shores for their first live dates in 3 years later this month. Reports from all over the globe call the Chem’s live show a stunning achievement, combining innovative sound technology and blinding new visuals. Click HERE for a peek at a recent performance in Madrid, and you’ll see just what we’re talking about. If you live on the West Coast, you don’t want to miss this. Tickets are scarce, so make sure you get yours today! Stay tuned for more dates coming this summer.

4/27 Seattle, WA The Premier
4/29 San Francisco, CA Henry J Kaiser Arena (w/ New Order)
4/30 Indio, CA Coachella

Enter to win one of 10 limited edition Push The Button iSkins. Simply write us at with Chemical Fan as the subject line and tell us why you deserve one of these special worldwide limited edition iSkins for the iPod.

Enter for your chance to win an iPod and limited edition Chemical Brothers iSkin! The Chems are featured in this month’s issue of Nokia’s eZine, Get Connected. Read the interview, download an exclusive Chemical Brothers cell phone wallpaper and enter for a chance to win an iPod and limited edition Chems iSkin! Click HERE to check it out!

We are looking for digital and street team members now! Email us at and let us know if you would like to help promote The Chemical Brothers to the masses. Special Chemical goodies to everyone who is willing to help!


Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.

From Underground Inc…

This is one of the bands favorite things. Its an unbelievable matrimonial experience for the happy couple, and cheap as f*ck!

The Midwest f*ckers shirts available NOW!!
Get it now before it sells out on tour


Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…

Duran Duran, “Wild Boys”
Flesh for Lulu, “Decline and Fall”
Filter, “Hey Man Nice Shot”
Everything But the Girl, “Missing” (Todd Terry Club Mx)
Crystal Waters, “100% Pure Love”
Aphex Twin, “Donkey Rhubarb”
Fleetwood Mac, “Everywhere”
Breakbeat Era, “Rancid”
Praga Khan, “Glamour Girl”
The Black Crowes, “Remedy”
David Lee Roth, “California Girls”
The Grateful Dead, “Touch of Grey”
Static-X, “Push It”
The Art of Noise, “Moments in Love”
Donnell Jones, “U Know What’s Up”
Talking Heads, “Once in a Lifetime”
Ozomatli, “O Le Le”
Cypress Hill, “Tequila Sunrise”
Corey Hart, “I Wear My Sunglasses at Night”
Fun Lovin’ Criminals, “Scooby Snacks”
Shivaree, “Goodnight Moon”
Stevie Wonder, “Living for the City”


Former member of boy band 98 Degrees, Justin Jeffre, announced on Friday that he would run for the position of mayor of Cincinnati. Jeffre revealed his plans at the School for Creative and Performing Arts, from where he graduated. Jeffre told reporters that despite the announcement being on April Fool’s Day, he was 100% percent serious about his candidacy. He went on to add that he would be running a “grassroots, bare bones” campaign, and would be running on an independent ticket. When asked about previous mayors of the city, Jeffre told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, “I would love to follow in the footsteps of the great Jerry Springer. That’s guy got an opera named after him!”

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and the social pages say I’ve got the biggest balls of all.