The Midnight News 04.04.05

I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News.

It’s Wrestlemania, so I’ll do a Mop-Up…. probably be the last Mop-Up I’ll ever do. I would say enjoy it, but that’ll be tough… because this won’t be much good.

Just being honest… I’m busy… not a lot of time to spend looking for evil, nasty jokes that’ll make you laugh hard. I have to do this thing with SPEED… nasty SPEED.

Plus… I’ll be more honest, I gave these up regular for a reason… I grew to hate doing them. If I’m doing free work for y’all, it better be something I enjoy doing. This is WORK, yo..

Oh, and Joshua Grut sent me an “official” cease and desist letter telling me to stop talking about him. The adorable part is that he sent it and not a lawyer… (of course, I’m sure the lawyer’s version will arrive sometime this week).

Gee, Grut… GEE, JOSH… you’re asking me to stop writing about YOU?? Wow… sort of like how YOU couldn’t stop putting MY NAME in YOUR journal even after I asked you NICELY?? Well, isn’t that irony at it’s finest.

Anyway, I may have more of this next week with a full MidNews column… now here is the half-assed, probably disappointing, good luck finding something to laugh at edition of the Wrestlemania Mop-Up. I would apologize but… heh… I see no reason to. Free labor is what it is.

-WRESTLEMANIA BLACKJACK (or: Where Everything Repeats Itself… Again!)

-We are in Hollywood… home of every music label NOT on the East Coast… so why is Lilian Garcia singing “America the Beautiful”?

-The best was at Wrestlemania 3 where Vince McMahon nearly blew out his gullet introducing “Miss Aretha… FRANKLIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!“….it was one of those moments where Vince got so excited the back of his helmet hard hair SHOOK.

-THEY COULDN’T GET ANYONE TO SING THIS?? AND THEY ARE IN L.A.??

-I REFUSE to believe that Kelly Osbourne was too busy!

-Anyway, Lilian sang away… with three sisters singing back-up behind her. Lilian glanced back, saw them, and immedietaly slipped her jewelry off and tossed it to the Referee. “If they make a move for my wedding ring, RUN, ” she hissed.

-I’ve been telling only SLIGHT variations of that exact joke for 6 years…. and you frickin’ wonder why I don’t do these anymore.

They also include pictures of US military personel in a far away land… are we at war or something? I’m part of the MTV Generation, my attention span is shot to shit… who are we fighting now again? Is it those bastards in Mexico? ARE WE FINALLY GONNA TAKE THIS CONTINENT FOR OURSELVES??? About bloody time!

-Mind your P’s and Q’s, Canada… cuz you’ll be NEXT.

-The last WWE Movie parody of the year involves Stone Cold Steve Austin in “Gladiator”. He’s promising to “unleash Hell”… last time he tried that, his girlfriend unleashed a major lawsuit and a knife on him at a crowded restaurant.

-If he unleashes Hell, does this mean Owen gets to come back?

-NO long, well produced video with wrestlers looking READY and talking about Wrestlemania. I was just hoping to see Vince talk about the Pope and how the Pope and Wrestling have something in common. What? YOU REALLY THINK HE DIDN’T SPEND ALL NIGHT TRYING TO MAKE A VIABLE CONNECTION???

-We have three sets of two-man announcers… they’re all wearing straight tuxedos. So are many web writers/reports who are watching this at home… IT’S BECAUSE MARKS ARE LOSERS, PEOPLE!!

-Eddie Guerrero comes out in a low-rider… he uses the Force to make it do that bouncy bouncy thing… then uses his keyless remote devide to open the hidden trap door under the trunk so some of his “hermonos” can slip off into the sweet, sweet American night! FREEDOM, AMIGOS!!!! FREEDOM AND OVERPRICED SOURDOUGH BURGERS AT JACK IN THE BOX!!! VIVA EDDIE!!! VIVA EL AMERICANO BORDER PATROLLO!!!

-Rey Mysterio walks calmly out from the sides rather than LEAP out from the floor! The damn kid sounds like he has two bowls of rice krispies cracklin’ away in his knees… he can do without vertical leaping from a trampoline these days.

-The bell rang… there was no handshake. THERE WAS NO HANDSHAKE!!! WHAT KIND OF DISRESPECT ARE THEY SHOWING HERE?? HOW DARE THEY PISS ON THE NOBILITY OF THEIR GREAT SPORT LIKE THAT??? HASN’T RING OF HONOR TAUGHT US ANYTHING???

-short answer: no. Long answer: ha, no

-It promises to be a MAT WRESTLING CLINIC… which means lots of rest holds while Tazz and Cole try desperately to explain why these two are fighting tonight, even though they are tag team partners and friends.

-And we got a lot of rest holds… but the announcers didn’t explain SHIT. (I really should watch Smackdown… I mean, I’m SURE there is SOME backstory here… right? RIGHT??)

-Things heated up as much of the audience came back from their bathroom snort break (and ran into some WRESTLERS in those stalls, by God!). Rey turned it up with some nutty flying move thing which used to LIGHT UP Nitro during the second hour of their unGodly long three hour marathon Mondays. Tazz shouted, “There’s only one man who can do that!!” Yeah, NOW there is… since the Pope died.)

-Back in the ring Eddie damn near broke Rey in half with a backbreaker…. Vince damn near broke Eddie’s salary in half after watching him almost cripple one of Smackdown’s few really over performers.

-Eddie went for the Frogsplash… and missed. He hit the ground so hard he farted and those “balloons” he swallowed for the planetrip home blasted out. Eddie broke kayfabe, shouted “AYE YI YI” and started swallowing them back down. Cole covered for him by talking about the great Los Angeles weather that weekend.

-619! Which is not only the name of Rey’s swinging leg thingy! But it’s also the weight of many of his devoted following… (web only)

-Rey wins… Eddie looked PISSED… or at least DISTRACTED… like he had something else on his MIND… could it be… could it beeeee…

-Why YES, Eddie was doubtlessly occupied with what he’ll be having for dinner tonight when he makes a run for CHILI’S!! Indeed, Eddie’s mouth was WATERING over the delicious SOUTHWESTERN COBB SALAD and who wouldn’t? This Boneless crispy chicken breast with corn relish, applewood smoked bacon, diced eggs, mixed cheeses and fresh pico de gallo would make even the hardest of finicky taste buds scream, “MUCHO BUENO!!”. Served with their avocado-ranch dressing. $7.69… and they DO accept pesos!

-Then, of course, Eddie will move onto Chili’s CHIPOTLE BLEU CHEESE BACON BURGER If any burger was made to put the “suck” in “succulent” it’s this one… Spicy and smoky with chipotle pepper sauce, bleu cheese crumbles, Applewood smoked bacon, lettuce, tomato, pickle and bleu cheese dressing. Only $6.99

-And even though he’s a trained athlete with a sharp eye on his weight… only a loco would turn down the HEAVENLY decadence of Chili’s CHOCOLATE CHIP PARADISE PIE Dear God almighty… even the Pope would wake up just to dig into this SINFUL concoction… They start with a warm, chewy bar layered with chocolate chips, walnuts and coconut. Topped with vanilla ice cream and drizzled with hot fudge and caramel. They won’t even tell you the price… BECAUSE ONE BITE AND YOU WON’T CARE!!!

-So that’s why Eddie didn’t bring his A-Game tonight… either that or he’s a little bummed over the fact that a year ago he was trying to steal the show co-headlining the main event with Kurt Angle.

-JBL and his token Chief of Staff (heh, fags!) ran into Triple H and Ric Flair. It was a face-off. JBL showed Triple H his wallet and stock portfolio. Triple H showed JBL his wedding ring. Both men agreed they are two of the luckiest sonsabitches on the planet (and Hyatte, me, will be the third if… well, let’s just say I stumbled ass-backwards into something and leave it at that… other than to say IF, and this is a big if, IF it works out you all are going to kiss my tight, rock hard ASS)

-Flair startled Orlando with a “WOO”… I would say he SPOOKED him but… well, come on…

-Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider were at ringside… Sandler looked in pain. He’s Jewish, the Pope is dead… not the best time to be out and about. (oh trust me, we’re already trying to figure out a way to blame the Jews for this… give the Vatican time, they’ll come up with something)

-Jericho is out

-Benoit is out.

-Then Sheldon Benjamin

-Then the rest… Christian had his hood on so deep he had to push it up to see where he was going… I love Christian.

-Kane came out and the Ladders that surrounded the entrance (SUCH a TNA move) exploded in fire (SUCH a TNA move now that the WWE did it… if they can afford the pyro, of course)… everyone ran out to attack Kane… which begs the question: “Why not one guy stay in the ring whilst Kane bashes everyone and climb the ladder and retrieve the briefcase and win the match without touching anything more dangerous than a rat after the show?” Which begs the answer: “Because, jerkweed, these wrestlers are there to COMPETE.” Which offers a follow-up question: “Why am I asking these dumb questions when I mostly watch Raw to beat off to Stratus these days and that’s it.” Which offers the answer: “Because you can’t let go.” Which begs the question: “Why not?” Which begs the answer: “Because I can’t help but think that after 7 years in this silly net game, I HAVE to end up getting something… ANYTHING out of this other than a small army of frustrated fanboys and by CHRIST, I’m gonna STICK with it until I GET something out of this that no one else gets.”

-Edge ended up winning in a GREAT match with so many spots that I refuse to cover it… why in HELL are you reading this to find out what happened, anyway?

-Oh, and props to Benoit for selling like a madman in front of all of Hollywood. I think Vince, in his infinite genius, told the crew that some top Hollywood Agents were in the audience and were watching for fresh, beefy ACTORS… and my God, Benoit got SHAKESPEARIAN out there with the “AHHHHHHHHHH”S and the “NYAAAAAAAAAA”‘S and the “AW GOD, MY ARM!!! ARRRRRGH” and the “YAAAAAA GOD, MY PUSH!! YEEEEAAAAAARRRRGH!!”

-Eugene limped out and told the crowd the midgets rule, referencing WM 3 with King Kong Bundy. (Midgets DO rule… get blown by one of them sometime… you’ll feel bigger than Peter North)

-Then Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari came out… Muhammad too his sweet time because he had to give thanks to the moon god Fracazoah, or whatever the holy heck these whackos (7 billion and counting!) sacrifice their first born to for a good set of crops next Spring.

-Hassan bitched, then Daivari moaned… the retard bit his thumbnail. Wasn’t he in a high-profile feud with Triple H not that long ago?

-Hassan attacked and simulated slicing Eugene’s throat before slapping on the Camel Clutch. This move tends to outrage people (Joey Styles is OUTRAGED)… but Arn Anderson and Chris Benoit used the move… only on THEMSELVES… thus, in wrestling, suicide is okay… but killing a retard and ending his misery is NOT. Oh, and newcomers should ALWAYS pay respect to the Undertaker by going to him and sticking out your hand for it to be ignored.

-Oh, and don’t whine when someone shits in your bag or rapes you in the shower or sticks a needleful of Heroin in you tuckus while you sleep every night for a few weeks, making you an addict. Just follow these simple rules and you’ll do JUST FINE

-Hassan was about to declare a Jihad on all hairy retarded wrestlers when…

-Hulk Hogan comes out in the red and yellow… and the feathers. Oh… grandpaw. FEATHERS?!?!?!?! No, they never worked.

-NO!!

-Least part of his beard wasn’t pitch black.

-Hogan was sporting a rather… large pot belly… even tho’ he spent the last few weeks in interviews proclaiming to be in the best shape of his life… well, sure, if the shape he was going for was that of a pear.

-Anyway, that damn hip of his hung when it should have bung and was busy praying to SATAN HIMSELF while everything else on the Hulkster was talking to God… so it wasn’t having any of this Legdrop nonsense. Hogan punched away and big booted everyone in the ring who had a better tan than him… then he posed for 10 minutes. Jim Ross carried on as if he actually cared. It was, so far, the best performance of the night (Ross, Not Hogan)

-Hogan’s family was there… with David Arquette! I swear, the family Bollea must be responsible for at LEAST 75% of Clorox bleach sales in Florida.

-Ahhh, nice moment… but Hogan’s absolute dead drop balls-out should’a been last performance was that CLASSIC match with the Rock 3 years ago. THAT’S when he made most of us buy the hype one more time with a smile. THAT was his curtain call.

-Uh oh… here come the Jews with the burning torch’s. And by GOD, now that Wade Keller has the NERVE to sell a 9 HOUR, 3 DVD SET interview with Vince Russo and Ed Ferrera… I think we should ALL burn our torches! What f*cking NERVE… what a f*cking LOSER.

-Oh sure… let’s listen to Russo and Ferrera talk YET AGAIN about how Vince liked things done 6 years ago… and let’s listen to them blame each other and Bischoff and Hogan and Nash and Steiner and TNT for the fall of WCW. AND LET’S PAY FOR THIS TREAT!!!

-UGH

-I would wish AIDS on Wade Keller but… err… I think he has it already… that is one bony ass homo.

-The Undertaker rolled out on some gliding contraption… which Tazz expertly called, “A strange, mystical power that the Dead Man has!”

-Randy Orton came out… looking in DESPERATE need to add a few hundred crunches back to his routine (getting a wee bit solid there, stud)

-Why is the ‘Taker coming out first?

-The Jews depart with their torches… possibly on a plane to Vatican City for a little payback (I swear, that’s the LAST joke about the Pope… no, really… a kind, decent man who tried to keep everyone happy).

-The match began… and it was business as usual for starters.

-Taker did his big Guilloteen leg drop on Young Orton’s dangling head. I don’t care how the word is spelled.

-You know… ever notice how ‘Taker works with a whole… “Just doing what I do” attitude? He looks like a guy who is so used to doing these moves that his mind isn’t even on the match anymore. Orton, meanwhile, is working as if this is the biggest match of his life. It’s actully kind of funny to see.

-Orton went to work, and Undertaker was nice enough to SELL… a little.

-Eventually, out of NOWHERE (and taking his damn sweet time getting there), Bob Orton Jr came out and tatooed ‘Taker with an over-sized cast on his arm! YEAH!!! ACE RULES!!!!!!

-That cast ROCKED, yo! He wore it for 5 years! Eventually, he just used a wiffle ball cast! Every Heel announcer used to explain, “It didn’t set right, McMahon, now he’s stuck with it!” He bashed EVERYONE with that bad boy! It was AWESOME!

-oh, and the Bob Jr interference that backfired is pretty much the EXACT SAME way they scripted the “Taker/Ric Flair match a few years ago. When Arn Anderson came in and whomped ass!

-Orton sent Taker at his Dad, ‘Taker kicked Ace, Ace did a spin on the ring apron and collapsed on the floor… OLD SCHOOL SELLING!!! YOU DOUCHEBAGS!!! LEARN FROM IT!!!

-For about 2 seconds, Orton made us wonder if he really WAS going to win this match when he reversed out of a Chokeslam and turned it into a NICE RKO. Nope, kick-out.

-Orton went for the Tombstone, ‘Taker reversed and hit it himself. Taker won. Orton’s been pissing off too many chicks… maybe NEXT year someone proper will come along to score that one, crucial win.

-I liked this match. It told a tale.

-Video package detailing how Christie Hemme gets to wrestle tonight… of course, they convienently ignore the part about how every other chick with skills was fired except for Lita who is too busy blowing out her knee and blowing Canadian hot boys NOT named Matt

-Hemme comes out with Lita.

-Stratus comes out… she HAS lost weight… even her tits are smaller.

-Trish is wearing suspenders… possibly to keep the crack of her underwearless ass from showing (remember two weeks ago when she attacked Maria… for a second there we all got MOONED, BABY!!)

-the match begins… Trish lies down and offers Hemme the pin. Hemme stared at her and mumbles… “Is this in the script?” Stratus sighs, gets up, and goes to work.

-It ain’t pretty.

-And it ain’t long. Chick Kick and it’s a pin.

-Now, I THINK… I THINK we had a situation where everything was going nicely… but after one blown spot and awkward moment too many, someone shouted in the ref’s earpiece, “THIS SILLY LITTLE BITCH CAN’T EVEN GET A GUT KICK RIGHT!! GET TRISH OUT OF THERE WITH THE TITLE!! NOW!! NOW, RED ALERT!!” There WAS a moment where it looked like they had to adjust something on the fly… like the arranged Christie win was suddenly changed… just a guess.

-The only othert thing worth reporting here is that I, a 30…err… ish man, managed to cork off twice during this match… and I wasn’t looking at Hemme.

-Or Lita… (although, given her rep… I might take a shot at her.)

-Or the Ref… shut up, you homo

-Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top is in the building… the stars come out for Hunter! Wrestling is a pop-cultural PHENOM again!!! IT’S THE 90’S ONCE MORE!!!!!

-anyway VIDEO package explains why we get HBK vs Kurt Angle!

-They both came out… I don’t know, so far I was expecting more… theatrics with these entrances

-HBK SLAPPED Angle… Angle collapsed and was rolled out of the ring… he will now spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair crippled from the eyebrows down… that f*cking ASSHOLE Michaels!

-They have a show to carry, dammit… and between the two of them they have enough busted bones to fill a mortuary, so they took their sweet ti… ti… annnnnd I’m done.

-Angle wins with the Ankle Lock after a brilliant match

-Piper and Austin do their respective bits… with Piper being alot more interesting than Austin’s officially cliched schtick… then Carlito came out and damn near stole the segment. Piper got drunk later. Stunners for everyone. I say… give Piper a job and let Austin make all the bad movies he wants.

-the big ass Jap eventually tossed out the Big Show… the way they bounced against each other in those oversized diapers, slapping away at each other girlie style, all jiggly… reminds me of my honeymoon.

-That Jap guy has some Flea sized titties.

-Cena defeated JBL in a match that could have easily played on Smackdown.

-The Hall of Famers get theres. I still say Randy Orton looks a lot more like “Uncle Orndorff” than his alleged, REAL Papa. But props to Ace for going out there and STILL SELLING that ‘Taker shot.

-Lemmy from Motrohead plays out HHH… who comes out from under the stage and ances around like he’s giving the drummer gay head.

-HHH makes his big production… then lurches to the corner and POINTS AT LEMMY!!! WILL YOU STOP THAT, ASSHOLE!! THAT IS SO LAME!!

-Lemmy finishes his song, of which I’m CONVINCED he forgot half the lyrics to, announced that they are “Motorhead”… (which pissed off Flea to no end), and went to collect their checks and score some Diva sex (oh, they’ll be getting some, too)

-Batista comes out… why does he do that gay buttsex rodeo move at the entranceway?

-Somewhere in there, Flair came out.

-Batista won… and Hunter bled and worked and made the monster look GOOD.

-and that’s that…

Look… I’m sorry, but I have to leave… I can’t be doing this anymore… not the long-ass Mop-Ups. Too much on my plate. I like the Midnight News. I’m doing the Midnight News now. Next week, I’m there… but this… this is just a waste of my time… I have a shitload of better things to do. No offense.

Hyatte sucks… and this is him.