Hopes (and Predictions?) for Desperate Housewives Season One
After a drought of reruns, I was so starved for a new Desperate Housewives. Well the melodramatics of my fave show are finally back and my TV withdrawal can take a hike, or at least temporary remission until the inevitable season closer brings it back for the summer. The problem with incredibly addictive primetime soap operas is that they’re just not on enough.
But what IS in store for Susan, Lynette, Bree, Edie and Gabrielle before what will surely be the most gut-wrenching cliffhanger this side of Buffy: the Vampire Slayer? With the literally sidesplitting death of Mrs. Solice after Sunday’s hilarious episode – and all before even the opening credits – ABC and their stellar writing team keeps assuring us that noone is safe on Wisteria Lane. Okay, I know you’re thinking Mrs. Solice and Mrs. Huber were only “guest stars,” so their deaths aren’t really THAT important, if not shocking. And true, it takes a lot more to off a season regular, who’s likely got a full roster of episodes written into his/her contract.
But if there’s anything I know about TV show contracts, and actually this is just an uneducated guess made on a whim, so I wouldn’t quote me – or send annoying feedback to demonstrate how smart you are – but I’d say TV contracts terminate or can be terminated at the end of a season, unless a cast is so red-hot the producers force them to sign a failsafe that’ll guarantee as much exploitable mileage out of the thespians as is possible. With the exception of the obvious five: Teri, Marcia, Eva, Nicolette and Felicity, I say it’s no-holds-barred, anything-goes for the rest of the cast. I mean, would viewers really stop watching if gardener hunk John (Jesse Metcalfe) tripped while mowing the lawn and was chewed up by the machinery (presumably because he was checking out either Gab or Susan lounging in the perma-summer weather)? I mean, yes, he’s hot, but was that any reason for us to watch him on Passions (when he was a little bit closer to the 17-years he plays on Desperate)? Sorry, but I was tuning in for Tabitha and Timmy. Anyway with all this talk on the likelihood of more sudden deaths on DH, what better way to segue to my first of my five big desires (and hopefully predictions) for the gargantuan plot of Desperate Housewives.
Keep in mind; I’m no spoiling guru who analyzes “on-the-next-episodes” with multiple slow-mo re-watches or by hacking into ABC.com for the latest tips. If any of these predictions actually happen, well, I guess it’s because I’m a gifted TV clairvoyant. Or because these are common-sense fallouts of existing plotlines. More than likely, none of these will happen, and this will have been a colossal waste of our time spent together.
1. DR. REX VAN DE KAMP KILLED BY LATE-ACTING POISONED MEDS!
Remember when jealous pharmacist psycho George switched the doc’s heart medication pills when Rex badmouthed him on his own turf? Sure the effects have kept him from 100%, but it’s time they set in fully and finished their job. If the pills don’t work, George should come back, freak out when he sees Bree wearing Rex’s harnesses and strap-ons and do the assassination himself. Why else would you write in a character with a heart problem if you’d didn’t plan to exploit it with a preemptive kill? Plus, things were a lot more interesting around the Van De Kamp household when the polarized couple was arguing over divorce settlements and the holdings of adultery one-upping competitions. Now that Bree is beginning to realize that Rex really does love her, and that they both want the best for juvenile delinquent closet-case Andrew, there’s only so much gold to be mined out of their blossoming lessons in awkward sex before we audiences demand a killer twist. Sure, killing him off heart-attack style could spell 8-Simple-Rules mourning boredom, but just imagine the sweet vengeance Bree could wreak, or the certainly zany awkward dating episodes of the future. Mrs. Van De Camp could be the next Seven-of-Nine!
2. CARLOS SOLICE DISCOVERS THE TRUTH WHILE IN PRISON!
The whole Gab-is-cheating-and-Carlos-doesn’t-know thing is still a ripe source of the giggles (flashback to the mourning of Mama Solice, when Gabrielle gives Carlos a big heartfelt hug and we see her devious grin of relief) but again, can only be played out for the duration of the season before been-there, done-that sets in. Now, after killing off Rex, we can’t sacrifice another supporting cast member so quickly, so why not have the scary convict happen upon his wife’s infidelity when he’s helpless to do anything about it at jail? We know this man will resort to anything (look what’s placed him in the dog pound!) and he’s more possessive than the words I’ve used in this sentence (sorry). I mean did you hear the warnings he gave Gabrielle after agreeing to accept the plea bargain, on one tiny ‘condition’? Perhaps Carlos already knows Gabby boned the prettyboy gardener and he’s just warning her that if it ever happens again, he’ll mean serious business. I don’t think so. Carlos is a man’s man and he most certainly lives by the ‘if-I-can’t-have-her’ principle. If he learns his wife cheated on him, then lied repeatedly about it, and then cheated on him some more, he’d go ballistic! But stuck in jail, all he could do is pent up his rage, for revenge. Maybe even John would become a target. Perhaps I’m being extreme, but think of the drama!
3. LYNETTE’S CAREER ASPIRATIONS CREATE WW III IN THE SCAVO RESIDENCE
After a season of minor scraps and throwaway quips about the work relationship in the Scavo household, it’s time a mid-life-crisis thrusts Lynette back into career mode. While the Scavo storylines are arguable Desperate’s most real-life funny (the turf war with Mrs. McCluskey and her stolen household goods was Lynette at her sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong best) the Scavo’s are always dealt the short-end of the stick when it comes to the meaty plotlines. Perhaps this is a good thing, as having a joe-blo Mom who can’t raise her ADD kids without taking their Ritalin is a guaranteed source of comic relief whenever the heavy-handed plots take control elsewhere. Still, if it can be so good to watch Lynette and Tom fight over the little things (barging in on a deaf woman’s craptacular marriage, giving homemaker-inspired tips at the hubby’s important business dinner) picture the destruction if Lynette insisted that she work at the expense of status quo.
4. SUSAN AND EDIE FORCED TO KILL PAUL YOUNG IN SELF DEFENSE
Paul is a loose cannon surely itching to kill again. Now that Susan and her newfound partner in snooping crime Edie Britt (only lady available with the rest of the housewives cleaning their own dirty laundry) are bumbling their way closer to the truth about Dana’s death and Mrs. Hooper’s murder, Paul will have to intervene, the best way he knows how, sooner or later. While there is no chance Paul will be successful in murdering A-list stars to cover up the truth, there is a very distinct possibility that such a showdown will result in the crazy man’s own shocker of a death. Not only will the ensuing drama with son Zach be fascinating but the crutch of Edie and Susan’s love-hate relationship can only get more delightful mean-spirited (“you killed him!?,” “no, you made me pull the trigger!”, “well, at least I didn’t make you wear that dress!”) and, consequently, well, complicated.
5. ANDREW VAN DE KAMP AND JUSTIN SHARE FIRST ‘REAL’ NETWORK MAN-ON-MAN GAY KISS AND GET MORE SCREEN TIME
Did you see episode 15, when Justin forcefully mowed Gabrielle’s lawn in John’s wake with his shirt miles away in the dormitory dresser? This closeted gay jock is not just pretty on the eyes (with a bod that ousts even John’s) but he’s also a source of the show’s sharpest envelope-pushing plotline – outing Andrew Van De Kamp. The perfect Stepford Wife not only has to deal with a promiscuous husband and daughter having premarital sex, but her delinquent son is gay?! Forget the steamy meaningful kiss shared between Jack and his bf on Dawson’s Creek (do you even need to try?). If Andrew and Justin can share a full-out sentimental-meets-scintillating, hopefully shirtless, make-out scene, the title of “first network gay kiss” or at least the best one, can be awarded to Desperate Housewives, while giving Bree more reason to fall off her rocker.
