After watching the latest episode of 24, it’s going to be hard for Desperate Housewives to follow suit with me. Sure, the plot itself wasn’t a shocker, but the twist was that the plot actually went forward instead of having Jack save the day as could’ve been predicted by any regular 24 watcher.
But the time has come for Desperate Housewives, and for those of you who haven’t read it yet, I strongly suggest reading Mike Sage’s latest article regarding his predictions of what will happen to the ladies of Wisteria Lane:
Desperate Hopes for Desperate Housewives
For the record, I believe Mike’s first prediction should absolutely come true, I don’t really care about the other ones, they’re just icing on the cake if Rex bites it.
With nothing in the mailbag, it’s on with the recap!
Previously, on Desperate Housewives: Susan knows that Mike killed a person, Mama Solis comes to investigate whether or not Gabrielle is cheating on Carlos, but Andrew Van De Kamp hits Mama Solis after she finds undisputable evidence, and Andrew is forced to hide the evidence of his crime despite Bree’s protests.
To Sacred Heart Hospital as Dead Woman Narrating explains that most dreams begin after midnight for those in the coma ward. Gus the custodian dreams of winning the lottery someday and quitting this job. Howard the security guard envisions a luxurious retirement in the tropics. Ruthanne the night nurse fantasizes about leaving her husband, but the patient in room 312–Juanita Solis–had been dreaming plenty for the past five months. Whether it was about finding Gabrielle in bed with John the gardener, getting hit by Andrew Van De Kamp’s new car, or waking up in her bed to finally tell Carlos the truth, Juanita had decided that the time had come to stop dreaming and to start rising. So her eyes flash open and she leaves the hospital bed, looking for a nurse so that she can call home. She sees the security guard out on his feet, and then reverses his step to where the custodian just finished his job, and she sees a telephone right next to the stairs. She charges at it, but doesn’t see the wet floor sign and slips all the way over to the stairs, falling down each and every one and hitting the bottom where Ruthanne is enjoying a smoke. Ruthanne goes to help Juanita, and Juanita tries to tell Ruthanne that Gabrielle is cheating on Carlos, but the nurse doesn’t hear a thing when she has headphones on. Juanita kicks the bucket…
…and you’re watching Desperate Housewives. Well, it took them long enough, but death finally caught up with good ol’ Mama Solis.
Now moving to the Mayer house with Susan as Dead Woman Narrating explains that people admire heroes for many different qualities, but mostly because the people themselves dream of one day being rescued by those heroes. Susan pours a cup of coffee and sees Mike walking up the sidewalk to her house, and she envisions a number of scenarios of what will happen when she opens that front door: Susan and Mike both admit that being apart is crazy and they kiss passionately; Mike admits that everything is true about what the cop said except the cop didn’t mention that Mike killed for Susan and they kiss passionately; Mike says that if he can’t have her no one can and points a gun at her stomach but Susan slaps it away and they kiss passionately, with Susan breaking the coffee cup. Susan wakes up and realizes the cup is still intact, and Mike is still walking towards the door. Susan decides to hide instead of doing any of those scenarios, crawling towards the door to be closer to Mike. Mike knows that Susan is home, but slips an envelope under the door anyway. Like a fool, Susan grabs it right away, and Mike reminds her that she should’ve waited until he left to grab that envelope. Mike owes her an explanation, and it’s all in the envelope, everything about Mike’s past.
Going to the School Parking Lot with Andrew as Andrew is sitting in the car with some friends listening to rap music as the school security guard knocks on the window. The window rolls down and smoke billows out as the guard immediately knows what’s happening, and asks why they didn’t just take it across the street. The guard tells Andrew and his buddies to get out of the car, but Andrew decides to drive off instead, carrying the security guard with him as the guard finally decides that it’d be a good time to let go, rolling on the ground as Andrew drives away…
…and we go to the Van De Kamp household with Bree and Rex as Rex can’t believe that Andrew has been expelled two months from graduation. Bree feels lucky that the guard didn’t decide to press charges against the family, and Rex wants to know what they’ll do about it. Bree decides to bring out several brochures for youth detention centers, and Rex is shocked that Bree has actually had them for a few months. Bree starts going through each one, trying to put a good spin on things by describing some of the camps’ features. Rex just gets more and more uncomfortable and then just comes out and says that he can’t put his son in some prison camp. Bree knows that that’s easy for Rex to say since Andrew isn’t rude to him, doesn’t challenge him every day and actually doesn’t hate him. Rex says that he’ll talk to Andrew, a little heart-to-heart, but Bree is going to check out the place with the electrified fence. Ah, Bree, the voice of reason. Can’t get rid of Andrew, though, because he’s super-gay.
At Some Random School Play, Lynette’s boys are rehearsing for…or performing a play based on Paul Revere’s midnight ride, and during the play Lynette notices some other mother talking to her daughter. After the rousing performance, Lynette introduces herself, but the woman–Alisa Stevens–is actually deaf. She can read lips, and her daughter Lily understands sign language. Alisa also has a son, Matt, and Lynette would like to get to know more about Alisa, as they both agree to have dinner together. Interesting character to throw into the fold.
Moving along to the Solis house, as Gabrielle puts down the paper (Headline: “Canine Hero Rescues Boy”) to see Carlos entering, excited. The lawyers offered a plea bargain, meaning the prosecution has a weak case. But Carlos is too stubborn to take that, so it turns out he wants to fight the case, despite Gabrielle thinking that they should take the plea bargain and run, even if it means eight months in jail–they can still keep the house this way. The phone rings–it’s the hospital, and sure enough, Gabby is the one who gets the news of Mama Solis passing. Carlos is in shock and Gabrielle hugs him, but Carlos can’t see Gabrielle smile up against his chest.
And now, a word from our sponsors… Wow. The irony is being laid on pretty thick with the whole “Carlos and Gabrielle both not admitting their guilt” thing, but it still remains interesting. I miss John the gardener, though. I’m ready for him to catch a big ol’ beatdown, because it’s gotta happen sooner or later. Lynette/Alisa is just something I can’t hold onto, as it doesn’t seem very interesting at all. I don’t care about Susan/Mike, only Mike and his past by himself, and Rex/Bree/Andrew is interesting if only because it means that we’ll get to see this Andrew Is Gay storyline delved into a little bit more in-depth.
Keeping up with the Solis’ family, as Carlos is looking through the possible caskets for Mama Solis. Gabby thinks that Mama wouldn’t have wanted them to overspend on her funeral, but Carlos is once again to stubborn to budge on anything less than the best for Mama, and only thinks Gabrielle is trying to pinch pennies because Gabby never got along with Mama. They don’t exactly have all the money, but if Carlos says that she was a queen, then perhaps that is the best option.
Going back to The Housewives (minus Gabrielle plus Edie) as they all inquire about the letter. She hasn’t opened it yet, and all of them are wondering why she wouldn’t jump on it at the first opportunity to open it. Susan doesn’t know if any of it inside the envelope would be truth, and Bree points out that men can lie like dogs on the spot, so give them some time and a pen and there’s no telling what they can accomplish. Suddenly, here comes Edie’s contractor to inform her that he has new blueprints for the master bath. Edie shooes him away in her slutty manner, and then explains that they’re kinda dating. She does mix business with pleasure, just not pleasure with committment. Wonderful. Susan decides that she isn’t going to open up the letter at all, just rip it up, and throw it in the trash. Lynette suggests that they just rip it up right there outside, but Susan doesn’t want to litter and takes it inside as Lynette states the obvious: “She is so opening that letter.”
As Carlos decides how to bury Mama Solis, we’re busy with Gabrielle at Sacred Heart Hospital as she arrives, but not to collect Mama Solis’ personal things. No, it’s to ask a few questions about her passing. A mysterious man watches from behind Gabrielle, looking directly at the nurse who was on duty at the time of her death. The nurse is asked how she died, and when Gabrielle mentions dying quietly in her sleep, the nurse goes with that one per the man’s slow nodding of the head. Gabrielle then wonders if anyone was with her at the time of her death, but a cold stare from the man behind Gabrielle means an answer of no from the nurse, and Gabrielle is rather delighted to hear that news, and she’s off on her way back home. The nurse asks about her personal stuff, but she invites the nurse to just throw that away.
Back at the Mayer house as Susan goes to her car to find a flat tire. A nail is in it, and sure enough, she returns it to the Construction Site, where Bill knows that that was not an accident, repairing her tire and using it as an excuse to try and ask her to go to lunch with him. Susan stumbles over her words, explaining the whole situation with Mike in brief terms, but Bill understands…and will ask again tomorrow. Good, give her enough space there, partner.
Cut to the Scavos with Lynette, Tom, Alisa and…Alisa’s husband(?), as they’re all sitting for dinner. The husband is putting words into sign language from the Scavos, and eventually the conversation breaks down to Alisa and Tom talking about life at Simon and Scott, a business they both formerly worked at. This leaves Lynette alone with Alisa’s husband as THAT breaks down to Alisa’s husband complaining about them going into counseling. Alisa blames him for everything while he just stares at the clock: A summary of their sessions. Lynette doesn’t think that he should be talking about her that way when she’s right there. “It’s not like she can hear.” This has taken a turn for the worse, clearly. After-party, Tom can’t believe that he said those things about Alisa. Tom actually invited the Stevens’ for tennis, but that was before he knew that Dennis (the husband) was a jerk. Lynette wants to tell Alisa what he said about her, but Tom doesn’t think that’s a good idea, and if Dennis should say anything during tennis, he’ll just take him aside and tell him “that’s not cool.” Lynette assumes that Tom is saying she isn’t tactful, and Tom can only say–in sign language–“I love you.”
And now, a word from our sponsors… Okay, the whole Lynette thing is pretty interesting, I still don’t care about Susan and I’m not seeing the whole “connecting with the 18-49 male demographic” here…Gabrielle/Carlos is kinda falling into a rut, but Mysterious Hospital Guy is intriguing.
Say hello to the Van De Kamps again, as Andrew is in his room watching a horror movie I can’t identify. Bree asks Andrew to take out the trash, but he seems pretty reluctant to do so. He asks for forty dollars to meet Justin–who he fools around with–at the mall, but Bree denies him an allowance–in turn, Andrew decides not to take out the trash. Bree is fed up with Andrew not being happy despite Bree’s best efforts and she wants to do something about it. Bree refuses to get out of the way of the TV until they do talk about it, so Andrew pushes him away, but Rex catches this, grabbing Andrew and slamming him up against the wall, threatening Andrew to throw him through the wall the next time he touches his mother like that. Andrew looks rather upset as Rex storms off and Bree follows, trying to feel sorry for his son but knowing that he probably needed to get straightened out a bit there, no pun intended.
Edie is jogging, and Susan wants to catch up with her to ask her about Bill. Susan goes into explaining mode about Bill and Edie being a one-time thing according to Bill, and Bill asking Susan out, blah blah blah. Basically, Susan wants to know if Edie is okay with Susan and Bill going out, and Edie thanks her for asking, but the answer is no. Susan tries to reason with Edie, but Edie won’t budge, and Susan makes it clear that she doesn’t need Edie’s permission. Edie complains that she tries so hard to like Susan but she just can’t find it within herself to like her. So Susan backs off of Bill, sensing that Edie has a thing for Bill. But she doesn’t. She really doesn’t. It’s a classic case of “If I can’t have Bill, nobody can.”
Ave Maria is being sung, and a crowd has gathered for the funeral of Mama Solis. Lynette gives credit to the Solis’ for doing grief better than anyone, and Gabrielle is already complaining about the cost of the funeral, starting with the horse and buggy carrying her coffin to the grave. “Do you mind?” “Being poor? A little.” The pastor seems to get some interest in this argument, but Gabrielle tells him to stay out of it. We go back in the procession to Susan as she complains about Edie trying to get dibs on every man on the planet. Julie reminds Susan that Susan wasn’t even that interested in Bill, but Susan doesn’t see why she can’t be not interested in Bill just because Edie is not interested. Julie is ready to mourn now, and now the procession has slowed to a creep now as it seems that they’re about to be ready for the delivery of the body…to a crypt which Carlos bought–“an amazing deal”. But Gabrielle has heard enough as they both start walking off. Everyone follows them, despite some speculation to the opposite. That’s answered with a big “go to hell, Carlos” that convinces Bree to get the procession moving back to following the coffin. Gabrielle and Carlos get in a spat over the fact that they’re not going to even have a gorgeous little apartment now, and Carlos wants to know what he can do about it. Gabrielle wants Carlos to take the plea, since that means that Gabrielle won’t have to pay the price for Carlos going all out on this funeral. Gabrielle finishes it off with a biting remark about her dead mother-in-law at least having a roof over her head. Ouch, ouch, ouch.
And now, a word from our sponsors… Still don’t care about Susan/Edie, and I honestly never did, even when Susan did burn Edie’s house down. Gabrielle/Carlos remains interesting, and Rex/Bree is kicked up a notch by Rex taking a stand and getting firm with his son.
Any one up for some tennis? The Scavos and the Stevens sure are, as it’s game on with a doubles match. Alisa blows a play: “You’re deaf, not blind.” Lynette is waiting for Tom to say something, but Tom is waiting for his moment. Next service and Lynette returns Alisa’s serve with a huge smash back towards Dennis, almost knocking his head off as Lynette says that her tennis is much better than her cooking. After the game, they congratulate each other, but Dennis complains about her tennis game some more, and Tom won’t take a stand as Lynette confronts Dennis, but not before Tom can distract Alisa. Lynette tells Dennis to stop complaining to a perfect stranger and do something about the marriage if she’s unhappy. Alisa then comes back with a great idea–switching partners! Girls against boys. Fun.
Susan did not take her tire in to get completely fixed, but Bill is more than willing to do it for her, as Bill then says that that was hard work, and Susan invites him in for water and an excuse to talk to her. Inside, Bill asks about the date again, and Susan finally agrees to it after looking at the envelope on the refrigerator. Bill is very pumped for this date, while Susan looks a little uneasy.
Here comes Gabrielle to talk with Carlos, who is making an emergency list since he’s taking the plea bargain so Gabby can keep the house. Carlos respected his mother and doesn’t regret spending money on Mama Solis, but now he’s stopped respecting Gabby. Carlos then tells Gabrielle the stipulations: She has to be here when he gets out, and she has to be faithful. The former is easier than the letter, as Carlos knows that she’s a beautiful woman with needs, and he needs to hear her say it. Gabrielle gives an uneasy “I promise,” but that is good enough for Carlos as they will go to see the lawyers tomorrow. “And just so you know, I’m going to hold you to that promise.”
And now it’s The Van De Kamps, as Bree and Rex come to Andrew’s room. Bree and Rex tell Andrew that he’s going to Camp Hennessy. Andrew refuses, but he doesn’t have a choice. Here comes two men from the camp as they are able to take Andrew and will drag him from here. Andrew tries to apologize and make up for it, but it’s just a ploy to get Bree to move in within spitting distance, as Andrew SPITS IN HIS MOTHER’S FACE, telling her that he knows it was her idea. Rex goes to attack again, but Bree holds him back, and Bree tells him that no matter what Andrew does, he will always be loved by his mother. And that’s that.
And now, a word from our sponsors… Rex/Bree/Andrew is just getting better and better. Gabrielle/Carlos can only go up from here once Carlos goes into the pokey, and I still don’t care about Susan/Bill. Lynette/Dennis/Tom/Alisa? Not so much. Anyway, I guess we should see if Susan makes an ass out of herself again…
But first, Rex seems to be regretting his decision, but here comes Bree, thanking Rex for standing by her through this. Bree thanks Rex for being there on this horrible morning, and Rex and Bree seem to be bonding.
Going to school with Alisa and Lynette as Alisa pulls Lynette aside. “Dennis left me.” “What?” Classic. Alisa is very upset that Lynette got in their business, but Alisa is talking way too fast and needs Lily to come in to translate sign. Lily then has to translate a rambling from her mother, about how Lynette’s words convinced Dennis that they didn’t need counseling anymore and that everything is just a big mess now. Alisa didn’t need to be rescued, so Lynette should’ve just stayed out of it. On her way out, Alisa calls Lynette a bitch, and Lily doesn’t have to translate that.
Now with Susan and Bill, as Susan manages to make an ass out of herself by talking way too much about Mike instead of caring about Bill. And here comes Edie, who is angry at Susan for betraying their agreement which wasn’t made, but the bottom line is Edie will hate Susan forever. And Bill is fired for going out with Susan. And that’s the law.
Post-dinner, as Bill is trying to pass the blame to Susan so that he doesn’t get fired. But Susan doesn’t think that’s the best course of action. Bill then totally turns on Susan, telling her that she brings the drama on herself since she can’t stop obsessing over Mike, a sketchy ex-con–his words. Susan is driving too fast, but she continues to defend herself and her actions…until the tire blows out. She didn’t get it fixed, as she admits to maybe giving herself some of the drama.
And now, a word from our sponsors… Home stretch time, as Susan/Bill is over and we can go back to Mike, but hopefully not Susan/Mike.
Returning to The Scavos, as Lynette asks Tom if she is a bad person for breaking up marriages and offending the handicapped. Tom tried to warn her, but Lynette just stuck her nose where it didn’t belong. Tom thinks it’s good that she tried, because he just stood by and let it happen, but Lynette made a scene for a friend. Tom’s point is that she knows what is right, and not afraid to make that clear. Lynette admires Tom for finding a way to compliment her when Tom could just say “I told you so.” Tom signs something to Lynette, but Lynette would never be able to prove that it was “I told you so.”
Time to go to Gabrielle, Nurse Heisel, and Mysterious Hospital Guy, as the MHG tries to explain to Gabrielle that there may have been a lapse in care, but he can barely get it out as Nurse Heisel–who had grown attached to Mama Solis–continues to breakdown in sobs. MHG tells Nurse Heisel to leave the room, and then explains that he’s trying to offer monetary compensation, provided Carlos and Gabrielle don’t try any further litigation to hold against the hospital. Gabrielle knows they’re trying to buy her and Carlos off, but Gabrielle has to ask his lawyer back at the house a question: What happens to the money after Carlos goes to jail. Well, unlike getting the money prior to him going to jail, they won’t take the money away if she gets it. The light bulb goes off in Gabrielle’s head…and it’s time for the final monologue.
We all honor heroes for different reasons…sometimes for their daring…
As Bree gives Rex a kiss on the cheek and Danielle looks over at the empty chair on the dinner table.
Sometimes for their bravery…
As Carlos and Gabrielle share a tender moment.
Sometimes for their goodness…
As Tom tells Lynette that he loves her, and Lynette answers in sign language.
But mostly, we honor heroes because at one point or another, we all dream of being rescued…
As Susan slips an envelope under Mike’s door–Mike’s envelope.
Of course, if the right hero doesn’t come along, sometimes we just have to rescue ourselves.
Bad move, Susan.
END SHOW! CLOSED CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY FORD!
Well, let’s break it down Housewife by Housewife:
Gabrielle — Her storyline was moderately interesting, as I’m wondering what Carlos will do when he figures out about the “monetary compensation.”
Lynette — Fairly interesting, died down at the end as it doesn’t seem to have any result in the long-term.
Susan — Bill is Boring, but Mike is interesting by himself. Where’s his boss?
Bree — This stuff with Andrew was intense, but it won’t be long before Rex and Bree figure out that Andrew is gayer than a daisy in May.
Edie — Connected to Susan, and it’s hard to care about anything that Edie does.
Still straggling along with this season to get me through those tough days without Lost.
