So, I was watching Gigli last week and I got to thinking; when did world domination become so popular?
Sure Hannibal tried it, and Hitler was hell-bent on it, but it appears that within the last ten years there is been an upsurge in people trying to take over the world, or at least the worlds of acting and music.
Again, this isn’t a new phenomenon; golden age crooners Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr all had success on the charts and on the big screen. But with this current batch of go-getters it just seems like a giant cash grab.
Let’s begin with those who should really just stop new endeavors and focus on their moneymaking craft. Anyone affifliated with the former Roc-A-Fella label should take this one to heart. I love Dame Dash with all my heart, but he should stick to making outlandish statements and pouring Cristal Army on “eye candy.” Beans, this means no more State Property flicks.
Nas should also keep the acting limited to his videos. Street Dreams was fun. Ticker, not so much. Busta Rhymes should also keep his acting limited to his videos, unless Hype Williams decides to direct a huge Technicolor cartoon for him to star in. And I would suggest that Redman stick to rapping, but I’d hardly call what he did on Method & Red acting.
I also think that Russell Crowe should probably stick to acting. Fellow import Minnie Driver needs to be convinced to abandon her dreams of a musical career. Ah hell, while we’re across the ocean let’s add David Bowie and Mick Jagger to the list.
Usher Raymond should definitely keep making music and not act anymore. Not that I haven’t enjoyed his acting, it’s just that I can only take him in small quantities and in well lit places.
By the same token some former musicians should probably make the transition to “full time actor.” Ice T, Will Smith, Ice Cube LL Cool J, and Queen Latifah are all much more relevant as actors than as musicians at this point. At least Latifah got the memo and tried to “grow up.” (Note to Will and LL; if you’re children are part of your “target audience” it’s probably time to give up on the MC thing.)
I also think that DMX should retire from rapping. I mean, if we’ve learned one thing from the story of Robert Downey Jr. it’s that Hollywood loves a crackhead. Eminem should focus on making music, provided he actually focuses on making music.
Then there are those who, I think, do a decent balancing act between the two crafts. I enjoy Jared Leto as an actor, and 30 Seconds To Mars isn’t as bad as Matchbox Twenty. Keanu Reeves and Dogstar may not be “great” but considering you know what you’re going to get, it’s not a major disappointment.
I feel that Mos Def is doing an amazing job on both fronts. I’m, apparently, the only guy who actually enjoyed The New Danger, and Mos has yet to letdown in terms of acting. And I’ll admit it; I’m a fan of both The Artist Formerly Known As J-Lo and Jennifer Lopez. Out of Sight is one of my favorite movies, and her music is what it is, expertly crafted pop. It’s harmless fun.
Andre 3000, despite what Leland thinks, should just do this thing. Making weird songs? Cool. Trying out the acting thing? Cool. Andre, do you.
And have I mentioned my twin obsessions of Beyonce and Amerie yet this column? Nope, well you know they’re getting a “pass.” Speaking on a purely sexual level I think that Lindsay Lohan should keep making music, if only so that I can watch her videos, in slow motion, on mute.
Of course this leads us to those who should avoid both mediums altogether. Let’s start with Snoop Dogg. If you asked me if there was one guy that I think should spend all their time smoking weed and making porn, I’d say Donald Rumsfeld. But if you asked me for a second name I’d say Snoop Dogg. Plus he’s got shoes, kitchen appliances and cars to market.
I’d also say that Eve should wrap it up. I think she reached her peak in both mediums with Love is Blind. That said, I’ve never seen her show and I hate it. Lil’ Kim should stop acting and just jump straight to hardcore porn. Honestly, we all know it’s going to end up there, let’s just skip to the end.
Madonna stinks on both fronts, and furthermore, she’s ruining her husband’s career. Ja Rule should just go the Jimmy Caan route and move into the Playboy Mansion. His career is in shambles, his record label is in ruins and he’s really short (that last one has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but I thought I’d point it out anyway.)
Britney Spears’ new music just isn’t hittin’ like Lucky was. And her film career has stalled. I’m hoping that she retires from both. But I’m hoping that she still makes appearances in the tabloids, because I’d hate for that white trash in the Red States to lose a role model.
I think that Tupac should also slow down a bit. He’s going to burn ou”¦huh? You say he’s already dead. Never mind. On a unrelated note I wish Justin Timberlake was dead.
And Mack 10 too.
I know that I’ve left out some people, but what’re you gonna do?
Oh fine! You want to read something that’s actually worthwhile? Go ahead, you have my blessing. As a matter of fact I’ll even point you in the right direction!
Rappers Who Act
Wish Widro a “Happy Belated!”
I don’t know how I forgot to link Jeff last week. As if in an effort to get my attention he’s got Trevor P as a guest this week.
Kyle doesn’t convince me to go to Coachella this week, but read it for yourself.
Mike Eagle gives Mitch Hedberg a worthy tribute. He also gives you a glimpse of a ladyfriend. Nice!
Gloomchen has been the face of IP Music all week and rightly so. She pits Michael Jackson vs Prince. And she vents on Fiona Apple.
Michael C gives props to Modern Lovers.
Tom starts with a kickass logo and ends with a Fear Factory mix.
Actors Who Rap
Ian talks about a foolish musical “beef” and for once it’s not Hip Hop related! But he doesn’t explain why Doves hate me!
Phil is full of great news; a new Ghostface album, Mos and Talib are Black Star, Diamond D and M.O.P.!
Five Albums That Can’t Be Released Quickly Enough
1. Common – Be
2. Quasimoto – The Further Adventures of Lord Quas
3. Ghostface – Rapper’s Delight
4. Styles P – Time is Money
5. Kanye West – Late Registration
