I’m Sorry…
What a bizarre and stressful two weeks it has been. Two weeks ago, if you remember, I had the flu BAD. If you don’t, here’s the column when I first started recovering. Not only was I standing at the gates of Hell, near tears from the absurd amount of coughing I was doing, but I still managed to squeeze a column in.
Last week, I had to head back Upstate to get my buddy Salty, as he was moving into our dope-ass apartment in Astoria. Ladies: here’s a pic of Salty for you all to diddle to. Don’t feel dirty, but if you need help, I took the photo.
Before last week, I didn’t realize that a man could own that much shit. I have a lot of stuff that I couldn’t part with, but this guy has more than enough stuff to fill an entire apartment.
In fact, we still haven’t finished unpacking it all, so there is some of it occupying various parts of the place; namely, the living room, much to the dismay of my girlfriend.
I am convinced she is going to kill me, but that is beside the point. At least we have a TV in the living room now, regardless of its questionable working abilities.
Now, I don’t have to wait until my girl isn’t around to watch Fox Soccer Channel! I just go to the damn living room! Wanna watch G4? Walk the ten feet to the living room. Take that, baby!
I have seen more soccer on TV in the last week, than at any other time in the past year. Thank God for that, eh?
Lonely Women Make Good Lovers
This summer’s Anger Management Tour has been set. Any fans of Eminem will also get the dubious honor of seeing 50 Cent and the King of Crunk, Lil Jon, as well. This is a tour that sucks, fo’ sho’. Marshall is great live, and regardless of how disappointing Encore was, he is FANTASTIC live, as I caught him on this same tour 3 years ago in Hartford.
But, Lil Jon? Whose idea was this? He blows!
Obviously, anywhere Shady goes, D-12 follows. He is the leader of the “band,” right? Also on the bill will be DJ Green Lantern, Obie Trice, and the newest Shady Records artists, Stat Quo
In other news that only I seem to care about, Elvis Costello is adding a new member to his entourage. For the last few months, Costello has been touring with his new band, the Imposters, in support of his latest effort, The Delivery Man. Well, the pianist for that group is heading back to London to work on a solo record, so Los Lobos guitarist, David Hidalgo, will be stepping in for a bit. Making this piece a little more substantial, the new group will be called, what else, the Pick-Ups.
It also appears that Ryan Adams will be releasing his newest album, Cold Roses, May 3rd. The double album, will find the singer/songwriter performing with his back-up band, the Cardinals, and my guess is that he will be lamenting the loss of longtime girlfriend Parker Posey, with whom he recently split. There are also more solo jaunts in the works as well, but no official announcements have been made.
You Can’t See Me, But I’m Right Here
I hope none of you missed Wrestlemania. It wasn’t the best show that WWE ever put on, but suffice it to say, I had the most possible fun. I got to actually MEET some of the brains behind InsidePulse.
See, I was invited to Widro’s soiree by Matthew Michael which was pretty damn cool. Actually, I think I guilted him into it, as I asked if the site had any official plans for a “get together” in honor of the season. This type of prying got me the invite. I am good like that. Anyway, I had a great time, and it was nice to finally meet the man himself, Grut.
Anyone who knows me, knows that Josh’s stuff is what first got me hooked on wanting to be an internet writer. He just made me laugh all the time. As a screenwriter and comedian, I always identified with his raging war against “the man.” I was always a little bent out of shape that I never got to see “Grutman on Grutman,” so it was cool to finally put a face to the name.
So, it was nice to meet him, and just hang out watching the homo-erotic splendor that is WrestleMania.
Did I mention that Wids looked nothing like I pictured? I guess I expected more hippie tendencies, but I digress. He ACTUALLY owns soap! Who would have thought? Matthew Michael doesn’t wear pink t-shirts and liberally quote the Indigo Girls? Shit, I guess I was WAY off then, eh?
I had an awesome time meeting everyone, and it further proved my belief that I work for, and with, the best people imaginable. Everyone was just great, including Wids’ cousin, so I was very happy to have had that opportunity. Hopefully, I will get the chance again.
Dancing The Night Awaaaaaaaaaaaay
My girl, Tray, made a funny remark this week. She told me that my columns are less like a column, and more “blog-like.” Then she told me to “not take it personal.”
I cracked the conventional “Ssquared Smirk” and then proceeded to tickle her until she almost pissed her pants.
I don’t blog. I don’t report lots of news. I don’t know WHAT my style is, but that’s what makes it “my style.” Anyone who disagrees WILL be tickled ’til they piss.
Just thought I would mention that. I needed that “blog” element here in Stuff I Think, And Shouldn’t Say. Keeping you up to date in my personal life is the essence of my column. Hell, I write buttloads of jokes about everything in my life, why not just include it in my columns too.
Having mentioned writing jokes, I haven’t been out to perform in Brooklyn in 3 weeks. I would like to say that it was a deliberate attempt to sit down and write some new material, but I am a shitty liar. I just have been too worn down to be stressing out over trying to wrangle some new bits together. I have plenty, but my goal at these open mike nights was to get new stuff finished, test it out, and re-work it all.
I just haven’t been able to with the amount of coughing I was doing, and how run down I have felt, so I didn’t. My bad. I promise to have more good material finished for next week, so that I can get my ass back on stage, and I can get some solid routines together. If a big break ever comes, I would like to be prepared.
I Hope You Had The Time Of Your Life
Last week, the only Pope I have ever known in my lifetime passed away. Truly, I wasn’t sad, as I see it as yet another piece of major history occurring during my time here on Earth. The man was the first person to apologize for slavery and for the Church’s lack of involvement during the Holocaust, despite rumors that he was very much involved, personally, in removing Jews from harm’s way during that ghastly time. His leadership helped to bring about the end of Communism in Europe and Asia, who I will forever refer to as Eurasia due to the crappy old World Maps I had in Middle School.
Love Catholicism or hate it, John Paul II is one of the most influential men of the modern era. My guess is that he’s smoking a bowl with Tupac upstairs, but I can’t be too sure.
Sadly, it also turns out that one of my favorite comics, Mitch Hedberg passed away as well. Mike Eagle gives a fitting tribute to the man. I just loved his style, and judging by the reaction on the ‘net, he will be missed.
Simping Ain’t Easy/Get On Your Hands and Knees
Time to hand the mike off to my fellow InsidePulse writers, who make this site a fun place to write.
Mathan mentions not only Sammy Davis Jr. (which will make my Mother smile) but he talks about World Domination. Hey, if we were all famous, wouldn’t we try to do it all as well? ((by the way, 30 Seconds to Mars were friggin’ terrible. It’s the only Promo I have ever brought back. Are you Smashing Pumpkins or Tool? At least Jared Leto tried. We can’t say the same for Billy Bob Thornton!))
Once again, Gloomchen rocks the house, and gives the readers here at InsidePulse a glimpse at the woman behind the column. Summer’s fantastic, I just wish she would admit she was mad I never finished that review of a) Bright Eyes b) Arcade Fire or c) De La Soul, so that we could just be happy again.
Tom D’Errico hands in the FREAKIEST picture ever and PEOPLE (read: Mathan) like it. Now, I am actually scared that Tom reads my stuff. If I ever say anything bad, that mofo is gonna kill me, and eat my soul. Seriously, I am now freaked out…a little. Okay, I was just scrounging for something to say. Um, it’s a good column. What we all have come to expect from Tom. Now with 30% more eyeball shots!
Lastly, McCullar dedicates his column to Johnny Cochran. I guess he was one of the “three” that managed to kick the bucket last week. In lieu of flowers, Johnny’s family would rather you read this column.
Oh, and for anyone that just might care, I managed to not only called this year’s Men’s Final Four, but also the championship game. I ended up finishing in the 99.8 percentile, which put me roughly 7000 out of 10s of millions of entries. Hell, that was the second time in my life I have called the Final Four correctly, ironically 10 years apart, so you will hear no complaints from me.
Now, I gotta run. I have to find a way to pay the rent, and I don’t think whoring is going to work. There’s just no market for chubby redheaded men. Oh well.
Til Next Week, keep it real.
Ssquared
