Welcome to the unofficial home for all your idiotic, clichéd Redneck flavored bits of savory wisdom, which also poses as a NASCAR column on the weekends here at the Pulse. I’m your host with the most for another exciting journey into the depths of Hick Hell, and my what a column we have planned here today. But first, a reminder from a bit I’d posted in the super-abbreviated column last week; after weeks and weeks of promising these RaceDay Pulse columns (ala the Daytona 500), I’ve officially decided to can the whole project until May 1st, when the NASCAR boys go all Sweet Home Alabama on us and tackle Talladega. When I first got this gig back in January, I didn’t anticipate the fact that I’d be spending so much time with the peeps at the BAC. But when I found out that a lot of them wont be back next year, and all of them are from out-of-state (or country, as is the case with Jamaica, who is from, in fact, Jamaica), you tend to put friends ahead of duty, I’m afraid. Not intentionally, of course; something always seems to come up at the last moment on a Sunday afternoon, when I’ve got the opening lines done. It’s a vicious cycle, I know. Rest easy, and remember that May 1st marks the return of the RaceDay Pulse. Here’s the schedule for upcoming columns to be on the look out for.
Inside Pulse NASCAR Coverage Schedule
April 16th, 2005: Speed Addicts: Texas Preview
April 23rd, 2005: Speed Addicts: Phoenix Preview
April 24th, 2005: Speed Addicts: Inside Pulse Quarterly Performance Report
April 30th, 2005: Speed Addicts: Talladega Preview
May 02nd, 2005: RaceDay Pulse: Aaron’s 499
May 06th, 2005: Speed Addicts: Darlington Preview
May 08th, 2005: RaceDay Pulse: Dodge Charger 500
May 13th, 2005: Speed Addicts: Richmond Preview
May 15th, 2005: RaceDay Pulse: Chevy American Revolution 400
May 20th, 2005: Speed Addicts: Nextel All-Star Challenge Preview
May 21st, 2005: Race Day Pulse: The Nextel All-Star Challenge
May 27th, 2005: Speed Addicts: Speed Weeks Special
May 28th, 2005: Speed Addicts: Coca-Cola 600 Preview
May 30th, 2005: RaceDay Pulse: The Coca-Cola 600
Now then, with that out of the way, why don’t we make up for the bad news with a little bit of good news. Well, it might be the other way around if you hate my guts, or think NASCAR is all about left turns (that one’s for you, Eric). I could get started on how Eric loves the sport that involves hitting a little white ball into a tiny hole 18 times, but that’s just starting a big brouhaha. Anyways, we’re closing in on Speed Weeks over Charlotte faster than you think. Speed Weeks over Charlotte is a two-week long event that spans from Goodie’s Pole Night, the Nextel All-Star Challenge, and the famous Coca-Cola 600 on Sunday, May29th, 2005. We’ll get more into Speed Weeks later, but there is an item up above that you might be scratching your head over. In an effort to bring more diversity to the NASCAR coverage here at the Pulse, all of us here at the Addict’s crib will be posting the first of four Performance Report Specials on April 24th. We’ll review the goings-on and performances of the Top 35, and we’ll hand out our Quarterly Awards, as well as make a few more predictions towards the big awards ahead, with a bit more insight into “who’s hot” and “who’s not”. So, with all that garbage out of the way, let’s kick it.
Racing News & Headlines
Shane Hmiel and Dale Jarrett had something of a “minor” confrontation last Sunday at Bristol, which is another one of those Bristol moments that you crave for. During the 14th and final caution during last Sunday’s Food City 500, Dale Jarrett slowed to avoid the mess when Shane Hmiel ran into him from behind, knocking him out of the race. Hmiel would eventually finish 12th, but the real fun part occurred during the ensuing red flag (race stoppage to clean up). During the Red Flag, Jarrett got out of his car and walked over to Hmiel’s car, where he stuck his head inside the car and apparently shared a few words with the rookie. Hmiel’s response was to flip him the bird. On national television. Oops… Hmiel was fined $10,000 for the incident, had 25 points taken away, and was generally made to look like a jerk. The two have since expressed remorse for the incident… well, kinda. Jarrett still proclaims that he did nothing to warrant Hmiel’s reaction, and Hmiel has backtracked like a sissy on the incident. Nevertheless, with another spicy track on tap this week, let’s see if DJ gives Hmiel a little retribution. Hey, NASCAR needs all the feuds you can get.
The Sweep Strikes Again
One other tidbit from Bristol; for the second straight week, we had a weekend sweep, with Kevin Harvick winning both the Bristol Busch and Nextel Cup Series races. Two weeks ago, rookie Carl Edwards performed the same trick in Atlanta, becoming the first driver ever to do so at that track. It’s becoming more and more apparent that, with the suspension of Happy Hour, running the Busch or Truck Series races are giving guys the edge that they need to compete for the win on Sundays.
Labonte Wins? Get Out!
Also, a quick tidbit on Bobby Labonte. As you all know, I’ve been ragging on the guy for awhile now, claiming that he basically can’t win anymore. Well, Labonte gave me the proverbial finger when he won yesterday in the Craftsman Truck Series Race. This makes him the 12th driver in history to win a race in all three major NASCAR levels (Craftsman Truck, Busch, Winston/Nextel). Congratulations to Bobby on a job well done. Now let’s see him do it on the Nextel Cup for once this year.
Food City 500 – Bristol Review
April to May is arguably the best stretch of racing to be found in NASCAR, and this past Sunday was nothing but a testament to that. Bristol is really the unofficial “second start” to the season, as it marks the first true test drivers will face on the Cup schedule. No offense to California or Las Vegas, but really, Bristol just about beats out Daytona, Indianapolis and Charlotte on the “must see” list. Some people think Atlanta is the second big race, and I like Atlanta plenty. But still, it’s Bristol, and it’s my column, so boo.
Kevin Harvick has just about erased the idiot/moron stigma that he picked up from Jimmie Johnson back in Daytona. It’s an impressive feat to win at Bristol, but he really wasn’t challenged all to much at the end. He’s got the goods in the driver’s seat, if only he can learn how to be consistent like Matt Kenseth… eh, well, Kenseth isn’t exactly setting the world on fire this year, is he? Harvick has to stay consistent, that’s all. I’m a little embarrassed that I forgot to add Elliott Sadler to my Top Five pick, considering that this track, California and Texas are his big draws. He ran good all day, and stayed out of trouble for the most part, which is just about all you can do at Bristol. Tony Stewart returns from oblivion with a solid Top Five, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. manages a Top Five as well! Someone call the Church, it’s a MIRACLE! On the flip side, Kurt Busch had a terrible run at the track that I believe I picked him to win at. Thanks, Kurt, you’re my hero man.
…
Holy Humping Hamburgers… Kyle Petty finished 8th? Forget Junior, this was the Thunder Valley Miracle! Nothing does my heart good like watching Kyle drive to a Top 10 finish.
Food City 500 Official Results
01. Kevin Harvick
02. Elliott Sadler
03. Tony Stewart
04. Dale Earnhardt Jr.
05. Dale Jarrett
06. Jimmie Johnson
07. Travis Kvapil
08. Kyle Petty
09. Greg Biffle
10. Scott Riggs
11. Sterling Marlin
12. Brian Vickers
13. Rusty Wallace
14. Kasey Kahne
15. Jeff Gordon
16. Matt Kenseth
17. Jeremy Mayfield
18. Terry Labonte
19. Michael Waltrip
20. Dave Blaney
21. Jimmy Spencer
22. Bobby Labonte
23. Ken Schrader
24. Jamie McMurray
25. Ricky Rudd
26. Carl Edwards
27. Scott Wimmer
28. Kyle Busch
29. Jeff Green
30. Ryan Newman
31. Mark Martin
32. Hermie Sadler
33. Joe Nemechek
34. Mike Wallace
35. Kurt Busch
36. Jeff Burton
37. Mike Bliss
38. Jason Leffler
39. Bobby Hamilton Jr.
40. Shane Hmiel
41. Stanton Barrett
42. Carl Long
43. Casey Mears
[Credit: NASCAR.com]
NASCAR Nextel Cup Points Standings (Top Ten)
01. Jimmie Johnson (835 Points)
02. Greg Biffle (741 Points / -94 from Leader)
03. Tony Stewart (679 Points / -156 from Leader)
04. Carl Edwards (678 Points / -157 from Leader)
05. Elliott Sadler (657 Points / -178 from Leader)
06. Kevin Harvick (654 Points / from Leader)
07. Kurt Busch (635 Points / -200 from Leader)
08. Dale Jarrett (611 Points -224 from Leader)
09. Rusty Wallace (611 Points / -224 from Leader)
10. Mark Martin (609 Points / -226 from Leader)
[Credit ALL: NASCAR.com]
Track Profile: Martinsville
Length: 0.526 Miles / 2,777 Ft.
Shape: The Famous “Paper-Clip” Oval
Straightaway Lengths: 800 Ft.
Turn Lengths: 588 Ft.
Track Width: 55 Ft.
Banking: 12 Degrees in Turns, None on Front/Back Stretch.
Pit Road: 46 Ft. Wide, 43 Stalls Total. Pit Road Stretches from Turn 3 to Turn 2
[Credit: MartinsvilleSpeedway.com]
Race #6 of 36: Advance Auto Parts 500
Date: Sunday, April 10th, 2005 from Martinsville, Virginia
Time: 12:30 PM on FOX
Pole Sitter: Scott Riggs (96.671 MPH)
Distance: 0.526 Miles (500 Laps – 263 Miles / Shortest Track on Circuit)
2004 Winner: Rusty Wallace (#2 Miller Lite Dodge – 04/18/04)
Busch Race Winner: None (No Busch Spring Race at Martinsville)
If you’re a new NASCAR fan and you got your first taste of Bristol last week, did you enjoy all the close, door-to-door racing that you saw? If so, then you’re in for a treat this week, because Martinsville is a bloody paper-clip for all intensive purposes. They’re racing on an elongated paper clip, and how they manage to run like accordions for 500 laps is beyond me. Martinsville, as noted above, is the shortest track in NASCAR, besting Bristol by a small margin. One main difference between Bristol and Martinsville is braking. In Bristol, you use up far less braking than you’d suspect, given the size of the track. This is, in large part, due to the insane banking all around the track, and the momentum that carries you through the turn. In Martinsville, where there’s no banking hardly, using light pressure on your brake pedal is inviting a personal date with the outside retaining wall. There’s a reason why FOX places those brake rotor cameras in the cars at Martinsville; there will be a car or two that suffers from brake failure today; it’s almost inevitable.
Historically, this is Rusty Wallace Central, and it shows in the crowd. Jeff Gordon as of late has taken a liking to this track, winning three times in the past few years there. Dale Earnhardt Jr. apparently likes Martinsville as well, though I can’t seem to find it in me to believe that he’ll have success on Sunday. Kurt Busch has a knack for racing short tracks, so you might want to consider adding him to your pool, along with an old friend: Sterling Marlin.
Predicted Top Five
1. Jeff Gordon
2. Sterling Marlin
3. Kurt Busch
4. Rusty Wallace
5. Tony Stewart
NASCAR Bud Pole Qualifying Results from Martinsville
01. Scott Riggs (Valvoline Chevrolet – 96.671 MPH)
02. Ryan Newman (ALLTEL Dodge – 96.657 MPH)
03. Jeremy Mayfield (Dodge Dealers/UAW Dodge – 96.583 MPH)
04. Rusty Wallace (Miller Lite Dodge – 96.558 MPH)
05. Kevin Harvick (GM Goodwrench Chevrolet – 96.376 MPH)
06. Bobby Labonte (Interstate Batteries Chevrolet – 96.259 MPH)
07. Tony Stewart (The Home Depot Chevrolet – 96.195 MPH)
08. Greg Biffle (Jackson Hewitt Ford – 96.127 MPH)
09. Kurt Busch (Crown Royal Ford – 96.063 MPH)
10. Joe Nemechek (U.S. Army Chevrolet – 96.015 MPH)
11. Ken Schrader (Schwan’s Home Service Dodge – 95.917 MPH)
12. Jason Leffler (FedEx Express Chevrolet – 95.888 MPH)
13. Ricky Rudd (Motorcraft Genuine Parts Ford – 95.864 MPH)
14. Jeff Green (Cheerios/Betty Crocker Dodge – 95.748 MPH)
15. Mike Bliss (NetZero Best Buy Chevrolet – 95.743 MPH)
16. Jeff Gordon (DuPont Chevrolet – 95.728 MPH)
17. Travis Kvapil (Kodak/Jasper Engines Dodge – 95.699 MPH)
18. Matt Kenseth (DeWalt Power Tools Ford – 95.574 MPH)
19. Kyle Petty (Georgia-Pacific/Brawny Dodge – 95.554 MPH)
20. Sterling Marlin (Coors Light Dodge – 95.458 MPH)
21. Kyle Busch (Kellogg’s Chevrolet – 95.280 MPH)
22. Mark Martin (Viagra Ford – 95.271 MPH)
23. Mike Wallace (Lucas Oil Products Chevrolet – 95.208 MPH)
24. Casey Mears (Target Dodge – 95.194 MPH)
25. Elliott Sadler (M&M’s Ford – 95.170 MPH)
26. Dale Earnhardt Jr. (Budweiser Chevrolet – 95.127 MPH)
27. Brian Vickers (GMAC/ditech.com Chevrolet – 95.089 MPH)
28. Bobby Hamilton Jr. (Tide Chevrolet – 95.046 MPH)
29. Jamie McMurray (Texaco/Havoline Dodge – 95.008 MPH)
30. Jeff Burton (Cingular Wireless Chevrolet – 94.955 MPH)
31. Michael Waltrip (NAPA Auto Parts Chevrolet – 94.917 MPH)
32. Dale Jarrett (UPS Ford – 94.865)
33. Scott Wimmer (Caterpillar Dodge – 94.652 MPH)
34. Mike Garvey (Jani-King/Rinaldi Air Conditioning Dodge – 94.614 MPH)
35. Kasey Kahne (Dodge Dealers/UAW Dodge – 94.562 MPH)
36. Carl Edwards (Scotts Ford – 94.519 MPH)
37. Jimmie Johnson (Lowe’s Chevrolet – 94.491 MPH)
38. Hermie Sadler (Peak Fitness Ford – 94.336 MPH)
39. Randy LaJoie (Mach One Inc. Chevrolet – 94.129 MPH)
40. Johnny Sauter (Miccosukee Gaming & Resorts Dodge – 93.929 MPH)
41. Kevin Lepage (Carter’s Royal Dispos-all Dodge – 93.530 MPH)
42. Dave Blaney (SKF/Jack Daniel’s Chevrolet – 93.525 MPH)
43. Robby Gordon (Harrah’s Chevrolet – 93.354 MPH)
Once again, the fine folks at Speed Addict Central have teamed up to bring you a brand-spankin’-new feature that will probably be even worse than Redneck Theatre! Or not, who knows. Anyways, Speed Addict’s Green/White/Checker! is basically our answer to the “What’s In/What was Five Minutes Ago/What’s Deader than Ashlee Simpson’s Career”. Every week, we’ll take three fascinating points from NASCAR and/or the figures in the news, and basically praise or trash them. And, before the two or so people that read this ask, Green stands for “What’s In”, White stands for “What’s on the Way Out”, and I think you can deduce the rest from there. This week, we’ll stray away from NASCAR to let everyone see how it will work. Kosher for everyone?
GREEN – Sin City
I got a chance to catch this bad boy last weekend, and I must say that all my negative thoughts on the film before it came out were quickly ripped apart by Mickey Rourke. The man owns the movie, and is a testament to the genius of Rodriguez and Miller. Seriously, it’s Mickey Rourke! Benicio Del Toro’s “Talking Head” routine had the audience in tears by the time the end of that particular story rolled around. And before I even forget, if you found yourself wanting to beat the bejesus out of Elijah Wood after watching Lord of the Rings and needed a reason to hate him, go see this movie STAT. Why does the blonde always have to die? Goofy little jackass, I was quite pleased when Mickey took him apart. (Elijah did fine with the part, even though it was a tad bit… creepy).
WHITE – The Career of Jack Nicklaus
This one pushes me over into hypocrite territory, as I not only watched the Masters for about 5 minutes yesterday, I also got to hear about the apparent end of the road for Jack at Augusta. Not the way he wanted to go out, I’m sure, but Jack is perhaps one of the greatest players in the history of the sport, and owned the field at Majors like no one’s business. I’m not a big golf devotee like Eric is, so I’ll leave most of this for him, but here’s to one Hell of a ride for Nicklaus.
CHECKER – RAW on SPIKE
Apparently, McMahon and Co. have decided to pack their bags and return to the sandbox that kept them afloat oh-so-many years ago. It was a short stay in television/historical terms, but Raw’s duration on Spike TV was not exactly the greatest move that Vince has made. Let’s look at the numbers; from Spike’s side, the network was available in far fewer markets than USA was. The whole network itself underwent an overhaul during the WWE’s stay, thankfully ending the mind-numbing “WE’VE GOT POP!” garbage that they kept spewing at us every, oh, I dunno, ten seconds. On the flip side, the span was not exactly one of the WWE’s best. The InVasion had just crashed into oblivion, their restaurant endeavor in New York flopped, and ratings are down to the 3.0-4.0 range, down from the 6.0 average they were hitting on USA. In the end, I’m really status quo on the whole deal. Although I’m with Eric in welcoming the return of Saturday Night’s Main Event to the fold. Of course, now that we’ve got our hopes up, let’s watch it be called something stupid like “Excess Special” and feature Hurricane Helms vs. Rosey in a Super Hero vs. Super Villain match.
MLB Opening Week Thoughts
Even though Mariano’s back-to-back collapse against the Sox did my heart good, the first week of play was rather crappy, actually. Not that it matters all that much, given we’ve got like 158 more games to go before all is said and done (not counting the playoffs), but it still doesn’t do my heart good to watch one of our “big” acquisitions blow it twice (ie David Wells). In the Senior Circuit, I’m happy to report that I’m doing much better as far as picks go, as the Braves are really rolling right now, despite several injury scares. That opening day hiccup was just that, apparently, and we’ll all get a better look at Smoltz today when he goes up against Pedro.
Any surprises this past week? Not really, though it’s refreshing to see the Tigers playing like a firecracker got shoved up their backsides for once. I mean, holy crap, they absolutely demolished the Cleveland Indians this past week. Am I shocked that the Nationals have won a game or two? Not really, considering that it’s not like the team came out of the blue; for all purposes, it’s just the Montreal Expos with a new jersey on and a few new faces. I think, anyways, since the jerks at Comcast wont broadcast any Nationals/Orioles games in NORTH CAROLINA!
Speed Addict’s MLB Picks
AL East – New York Yankees
AL Central – Detroit Tigers (my surprise, mega upset team this year)
AL West – Anaheim Angels
AL Wildcard – Boston Red Sox
NL East – Atlanta Braves
NL Central – St. Louis Cardinals
NL West – Los Angeles Dodgers
NL Wild card – Cincinnati Reds (another surprise sleeper)
ALDS
New York, Anaheim Advance.
NLDS
Atlanta, St. Louis Advance.
ALCS
New York def. Anaheim, 4 Games to 2.
NLCS
Atlanta def. St. Louis, 4 Games to 3.
World Series
Atlanta def. New York, 4 Games to 2.
Victory Lap for the Pimps
Padilla!
Victory Lane
That’s it from me this week. Next week will be a very special edition of the column, as we go crazy with material, including the return of Redneck Theatre! Also, we might just throw in some useless Q & A and Know Your NASCAR tidbits for your pleasure. Enjoy Martinsville, and I’ll catch you guys later.
