Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Mountain Dew Limewire, which is back just in time for the spring… at least it is in the vending machine in the break room at my work.
Week one of my DJ night was a relative success. I had a pretty decent turnout, however, the night was marred by cheap house equipment that didn’t like my Memorex CD-Rs. Oddly, enough, the player did like the Imation and Harmony discs, which makes absolutely no sense to me. I’m currently in the process of re-burning about a dozen discs onto Sony CD-Rs, hoping that those don’t skip all over the place.
This warm weather has got me in such good spirits that I’m not even that pissed off that gasoline is ready to hit the $3-a-gallon mark. I have a tendency to date a lot more when it’s warmer because I get out of my seasonal depression. This year’s prospects are looking very good. More on this story as it develops…
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
For the second consecutive week, That_Bootleg_Guy is missing in action. We here at The Saturday Swindle Sheet hope that he and his family are okay. That said, could Fingdro be looking to move someone else to the coveted Friday spot, moving Aaron to a behind-the-scenes position? Aaron, word has it that they’re entertaining a four-writer deal that would send you back to 411mania for Tayo Adesanya, Jeff Modzelewski, and Mad Step Dad, along with two second-round draft picks in 2006…
Shawn M. Smith is back with a vengeance. Expect him to be the breakout star of the summer. He would have no problem with Fridays.
Mathan Erhardt likes Lindsay Lohan’s boobs. He has always given it 150% in each and every one of his columns, and would be a good candidate. Plus, he hates Lil Jon, and two consecutive days to Lil Jon hating would be very good for this site.
D’Estroyer has a new METAL logo. Is he looking to appeal to a more professional demographic, and vying for Fridays?
Hey Chadwick, I played “Road Runner” last week… the original! Is Michael Chadwick on Fridays a possibility?
Not if Gloomchen has anything to do with it, and she’d more than likely be the heir apparent to Friday should this deal go through. In other news, Fingers has my headshot, but continues to run Gloom’s instead. I feel so fat.
Mike Eagle RULZ. In keeping with the minority weekends, Fingdro may decide to give Eagle the slot. He’s been on their radar ever since upsetting Mathan in The Saturday Swindle Sheet Battle Royale back in February, and is in line for a major push.
KDP has your Coachella rundown for this week, with a good dissection of Snow Patrol. Take THAT Botter! ZING! NINE INCH NAILS IS AWESOME! But can Kyle break out after the feature has run its course, and procure a weekly slot?
NEWS TO USE
Unsavory rapper/co-owner of The Source magazine, Ray Benzino, announced on Friday that he has resigned from the magazine, and put all of his stock up for sale. He told reporters, “If me leaving [The Source] is gonna help the magazine then I’ll do it … The Source is an institution and is part of history; I want my kids and grandkids to enjoy the No. 1 Hip-Hop magazine for all time.” However, he later added that he plans to start his own “hip-hop” magazine, which would probably be as crappy if not crappier than The Source. I may have made part of that up. Benzino cites the partnership with Black Enterprise and his unsuccessful feud with Eminem as reasons for his decision to quit.
Eminem recently announced that he would be headlining a two-month follow-up to the Anger Management tour again this year, with 50 Cent as his supporting act at all but the first two shows, which will instead feature Ludacris. Enimem told reporters, “We wanted to put together the best lineup we could. … I’m always trying to top the last tour whenever I go out. I think we’re really doing it this time.” Keeping with his word, he later added that the tour will also feature Obie Trice, DJ Green Lantern, and Lil Jon & the East Side Boys, as well as a can of spoilt cat food.
The Sycophantic Shithead was ordered by an appellate court judge from New York’s Supreme Court to start paying his baby’s mama $21782 every month for child support, on top of an undisclosed sum for back child support payments and Misa Hylton-Brim’s legal fees. He had been originally ordered last year to pay Hylton-Brim a monthly sum of about $35000, but he had chosen to appeal that ruling while paying between $4000-$6000 a month. In fact, according to Diddy’s lawyer, he plans to dispute this most recent ruling to New York’s Court of Appeals. If this were anyone else besides The Sycophantic Shithead, whose checkbook won’t even be remotely compromised by this, I’d say that this is absolute bullshit. Honestly, how the hell does it take $21782 a month to care for a kid? We here at The Saturday Swindle Sheet put our resident accountants to task to see if they could possibly estimate what that money would be used for each month…
Food ($900)
Schooling fees ($300)
Clothing ($1000)
Music and movies ($850)
Daily transportation in a stretch Hummer ($5000 w/coupon)
Gold plated LeapPad ($2264)
Diamond earrings and matching necklace ($2500)
Weekly bottle of Cristal ($1232)
Cheerleader nurse babysitter ($4000)
Bomb-ass chronic ($600)
Street cred ($1500)
Ant farm ($9)
TOTAL ($20155)
That still leaves $1627 a month for other items. And the moral of the story is… girls, if you get knocked up by The Sycophantic Shithead, you’ll never have to work again! Get to work! He likes Puerto Ricans!
Quick Bits
Nielsen released a report on Thursday, showing that young men spend more money on video games then they do on music. That’s ridiculous. I’ll be right back… I have some music to illegally download.
Guitarist Steve Righ? of Mindless Self Indulgence will not be able to perform with the band for the first month or two of their upcoming tour. Filling in, by suggestion of the absent guitarist, will be Rob Kleiner of Tub Ring.
Former Days of the New singer Travis Meeks will be featured on the A&E series Intervention, as his friends and family help him with his recovery from a crystal meth addiction.
Brian “Head” Welch has partnered with actor Stephen Baldwin to launch Livin’ It Records, which will release Welch’s upcoming album, which he is currently recording. It will be tentatively titled, God Told Me That 50 Cent Sucks.
Robbery and blackmail charges, from back in February, against ex-Libertines singer/problem child Pete Doherty were recently dropped by the UK’s Crown Prosecution Service. He is said to be relieved, then high, then depressed, then relieved again…
Michael Jackson’s former cook testified that he had witnessed Jackson with his hand down Macaulay Culkin’s pants while the two had played video games, and had been jealous.
Just months after announcing that Blink-182 was dead forever, Singer/bassist Mark Hoppus told reporters that he and drummer Travis Barker were working on a new project, called Plus 44. According to Hoppus, he and a female singer will share lead vox, and “it’s all very electronic.” Meh…
Punk band The Queers announced that they have dropped bass player J.J. Nobody from the group, due to his “gross negligence.” His replacement is Phillip Hall, from some band called Even in Blackouts.
Spanish crossover pop singer Shakira will be releasing two albums this year, one in English and one in Spanish. The English Oral Fixation 2 will be available in November, while Fijacion Oral 1 is set for a June 7th release. Rick Rubin is credited with executive production for both albums.
Singer Amy Grant will host an upcoming NBC program called Three Wishes. It will be a reality show in which I will be granted $35 billion, the ability to teleport myself, and more wishes.
FROM THE LABELS
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Rival Schools, “Everything Has Its Point”
Lionrock, “Fire Up the Shoesaw”
ZZ Top, “La Grange”
Information Society, “What’s on Your Mind” (Pure Energy Mx)
Paul Revere & the Raiders, “Just Like Me”
The B-52s, “Rock Lobster”
Tricky, “Excess”
Sinead O’Connor, “I Am Stretched on Your Grave”
White Zombie, “Thunder Kiss ’65”
Pharoahe Monch & Shabaam Sahdeeq, “WWIII”
The Mooney Suzuki, “I Say I Love You”
Kool G Rap, “Fast Life” [f/Nas]
Incubus, “Favorite Things”
The Sisters of Mercy, “Destination Boulevard”
The Who, “Substitute”
KMFDM, “Vogue”
Dionne Warwick, “Do You Know the Way to San Jose”
a-Ha, “Take On Me”
Smash Mouth, “Walking on the Sun”
Goldie, “This Is a Bad”
Turbonegro, “Get It On”
Soft Cell, “Sex Dwarf”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Amid reports that he had found “jesus” and quit his band, Tool, Maynard James Keenan admitted that it was all just an elaborate joke, more than likely just to f*ck with recently-converted Jesus Crispy, Brian “Head” Welch. It all started when a few reports surfaced on some Tool fan sites, including a passage allegedly written by Keenan himself, saying, “[S]ome recent events have led me to the rediscovery of Jesus … Tool will need to take the back seat.” Another posting, from a supposed business associate, stated that he had gone to the band’s studio to give Keenan a bottle of wine and was told that the singer was not there and had abandoned the group to dedicate more time to his newfound religious epiphany. Reporters from MTV.com contacted him on Tuesday, and received the response, “I did, in fact, find jesus. More news to follow. God bless ya,” however, after taking said communication with a grain of salt, they wrote back to ask if it really was true or just an elaborate hoax, at which time Keenan made the admission… “heh heh … I was actually quite surprised people bought it. Especially considering most of the subject matter of my work. ‘Judith,’ for example. I guess when I said ‘f*ck your god,’ I didn’t mean the actual God. Just the god of sheep who lack a sense of humor.” Brian “Head” Welch, who had told reporters after first hearing about the news, “This is a beautiful, beautiful outpouring of the Holy Spirit,” had some more words for Keenan after realizing that he had been among the hoodwinked. “God told me that 50 Cent sucks. God also told me that Maynard James Keenan is an evil man who also sucks and is going to Hell. Lastly, God told me to tell you all that jokes like this are not funny and if you thought they were funny you are going to Hell. The only way to redeem yourself is to buy my upcoming album, God Told Me That 50 Cent Sucks.”
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I walk the line.
Cheers
-JF2k5!
