Hi-low, loyal Guide fans. If you are seeing this, ole Coogan decided to post it even though it is MAD late. My mega, mega apologies for that, but I’d like to say this time it wasn’t my fault! (Copyright – Gene Snitsky, WWE) Seriously, this thing was DONE Thursday night. I needed Kern to finalize two news bytes and it was three in the morning before that happened. So we agreed to do it as soon as we could the next day, before I left for the weekend (Around 5PM). Kern, the man online an average 18 hours a day, was not around. Fook! I says. Fine, we go ahead with what we have. Then I go to post the file, and it’s broken. Or something. I don’t know how a friggin notepad file gets like that, but the thing was messed. So, by some miracle, I managed to save most of the file on Saturday, and then….my laptop went dead. Then I get it working (Argh) and the internet is gone where I am staying. DHCP server problems or something. **Grumble** So, I’m back at school, power and internet issues are resolved, and it’s late, but it’s done. Again, up to the boss if it’s posted at all, but a big sorry to you guys looking forward to this weekly. Next week might not be much better, but that’s for later. That’s my story…..so let’s get on with it, I’ve bored you enough ^_^
Real Life is Damn Entertaining
“President” Bush was booed at the Pope’s funeral. Think about that one for a minute.
Medtronic Inc. recently discovered that one of its pacemakers was stolen from a California hospital, sold on eBay and then implanted in an Arizona man. You can’t make this stuff up.
We got it wrong on Iraq WMD, intelligence chiefs finally admit . No, the government lied to the people. Think about it: Either they lied to us, or they are incredibly, incredibly dumb. Which is worse? And why should any of us listen to a word they say anymore? Some give me a serious answer. I’d be very interested in hearing it.
Finally, The Big Fix. A great read for everyone, including those who still refuse to open their eyes.
You Mean Inside Pulse Talks About Stuff Besides Movies?
Turns out we do.
Wrestling -The post-Mania fallout week this was, with tons of news on WWE and TNA.
Games – Kind of slow week for the gaming world, but you can only launch a system so many times a
year. As always, great content with reviews, news, columns, et all.
Music – I’m not a big music guy at all – I listen to a little bit of everything. But if YOU are
big into this kinda thing, you’ll fit right in with this crew.
TV – Survivor and the Apprentice coverage like no one else. Plus news on American Idol, 24, and more. Hurray for
the Daily Show too!
Sports – I don’t do sports, but these guys do, and they do a hell of a job too.
Comics -These guys make me want to start collecting and reading comics again. A
fantastic section that you’d be hard-pressed to find better elsewhere.
Figures – Grown men play with/collect dolls/figures. And you do too. So read them, because
they’re a very fun section of our site. I want me some new Star Wars figures. Mmmm, Star Wars….
News You can Use – And We Abuse
You know the deal by now. J. Kern and myself take most of the news from the week, post it here in one easy-to-find spot, and then commentate on/make fun of/rip it up. The headlines are in bold, the news story underneath, and then our comments on said story.
News on Rambo 4
David Morrell, author of First Blood, has come out in support of a U.K companies’ pitch for the fourth Rambo.Alpha1Media met with Dimension Films recently, and discussed the direction of the Stallone-headlined sequel. While they’ve yet to win the gig of creating the next film, their work has won fans, including the man who invented the character. More….
Kern: Hmp. i was under the impression that the words “human spirituality” had taken out a restraining order against “Rambo”. Rambo’s not supposed to within a hundred paragraphs of them…
Norty: It’s sounding pretty deep for a Rambo movie. I wouldn’t mind just seeing him walk into a place like the U.N. and just blowing shit up until there is almost no one left. But, instead, we get tales of morality, principle, and ‘spirituality’. Meh.
Kern: ! Rambo as Pope!
Norty: Will he sit in on the conclave?! And as bishops (or is it cardinals?) don’t vote for them he throws them into the fire, sending up the smoke to the world that shows they can’t make a decision. It could be a two-part film…or a guaranteed story and sequel!
Kern: Eligo in summum pontificem JOHN J. RAMBO! No more coddling the Jews! No more making nice with Islam! It’s time to kick some non-Catholic ass! All very spiritually, of course.
Norty: Hey-uhh, this uhh-Mid-East problem ain’t gonna be no problem anymore. I’m gonna go and take-uhh care of it myself. Then the Holy Ghost goes and blows away most of the Mid-East. All very spiritually, of course. …..Rambo 4 will suck….
Kern: Rambo 4: Pope Wars. “Bless me, Father.” “I’ll bless you. ALL THE WAY TO HELL!”” ::gunfire ensues::
Norty: Well, actually, the Pope was no fan of Bush in real life. Maybe they could spin that into the next Rambo film. I mean, if Sly doesn’t like Bush in real life, the possibilities are endless….
Kern: Dunno. Rambo and G-Dub seem to have the same sort of foreign policy. “Negotiation, shmegotiation. Where’s the nukes?!”
Norty: Well, Vatican City IS it’s own country. I could see Rambo getting….angry…..with Bush for any number of reasons, really. It could be fun. Or Bush and Pope Rambo could rule the world together. Either way.
Travolta to Re-team with Stallone?
John Travolta is apparently eyeing a reunion with Sylvester Stallone. More….
Kern: Uh … don’t you have anything non-Stallone-related? i think i’m getting testosterone poisoning.
Norty: Heh. Did you know the guy is now extremely self-conscious about how he looks? Rumor has it he won’t even walk around without a shirt anymore. THAT should be interesting for future films.
Kern: He should take confidence lessons from Ric Flair. Or pharaceutical lessons from Vince McMahon.
Norty: Pharmaceutical, you mean? And yeah, Flair + Vinny Mac + Stallone = ….some really messed up exhibit, actually.
Kern: It’s like a Before, During and After. Of course, to get the full effect, you have to have Warrior for the After After: ‘Roided and Insane!
Norty: That’d be scary. Stallone isn’t anywhere near Warrior territory and never will be. Dude almost caused a college riot this week….
Kern: You think Stallone isn’t always a step away from causing college riots? Seven little words: Best Actor Oscar for Spy Kids 3.
Norty: Well, if you’re gonna go there, we should go way back: Best Picture for Rocky. Then I’d see your point
Kern: … now you’ve crossed the line.
Norty: There’s a line? With you?!?! What line could I possibly have crossed?
Kern: Stallone only did one worthwhile thing in his entire misbegotten life, and that was Rocky. There will be NO mocking of the Rocky.
Norty: I’m mocking the actor…like you….nevermind. As good as Rocky was, there’s no way it should have won that year. Riots indeed….
Kern: Oh, i forgot who i was talking to. What, was there a Jim Carrey vehicle up for an Oscar that year or something?
Norty: Two words: Taxi. Driver.
Kern: Bah. If Scorsese won for that, we wouldn’t have anybody to root for at the Academy Awards. He’s like the Susan Lucci of the Oscars!
Norty: So then do you disagree and say Rocky was better than, and deserved to win, against Taxi Driver?
Kern: i didn’t say that. i’m just suggesting the booker had plans for a title chase and he wasn’t ready to hand Scorsese the strap yet.
Norty: So then my ‘mocking’ of Rocky is justified?
Kern: Certainly not! You may not respect him because he was the “Blue Chipper”, but you gotta admit in the long run, he definitely had the staying power to become a big star…
Kern: Third -generation superstar, baby!
Norty: He was a household name, sure. But what’s he doing these days, in the long run?
Kern: What, you didn’t like Scorpion King?
Justin Timberlake to Join Cast of Die Hard?
Bruce Willis apparently thinks dancing-man Timberlake ‘has got it’ because he’s pushing for him to join in for the next Die Hard. More….
Kern: You know, i’ve always felt that the thing missing from the Die Hard franchise is a dancing chimp in the jungle.
Norty: You just put him in the suit and let him run wild. He’s got all the chimp moves and most of the chimp sounds….erm, music.
Kern: And can i say, as regards the Ben Affleck aside … How low do you have to be to have less pull than a guy who doesn’t act and whose last performance pulled a half-million dollar fine down on its producers?
Norty: Seriously though, Timberlake? I’d take Affleck over Timberlake any day of the week…..but you make a good point. Except it might not be him – this is Willis’ movie, after all. He’s got the pull.
Kern: i need Die Hard 4 like i need Rambo 4…
Norty: …which is to say not at all.
Kern: Hey, maybe it’ll be full of “human spirituality”!
Norty: Like, terrorists hijacking the internet? 4.0 and all…internet spirituality??
Kern: Been done. i’m sorry to say, McClane … is not The One.
Norty: Yeah but neither was Reeves….I’d take Willis in that role. Hell, I think I’d take Timberlake over Mr. Keanu.
Kern: i’d take Sporty Spice over Keanu. Although, to be fair … i’d take Sporty Spice over most anything. Over a barrel, over the arm of a couch, over a kitchen counter…
Norty: Sporty Spice? SPORTY? Five girls, four of whom are crazy hot, and you pick THAT ONE? Come on now Kern…
Kern: What can i say? i’ve got a thing for girls in track suits.
Norty: ….I heard you had a thing for chimps in track suits…
Kern: How dare you talk about your mother like that!
Norty: I see…you hide jokes all you want….I make one earlier reference to a joke, and it’s instantly about my mom. That was like, McCullar level of lame Kern.
Kern: i am the chief purveyor of yo mama jokes on the West Coast. i’ve got a quota to maintain!
Norty: Doesn’t make it any less lame.
Kern: Don’t push me, boy. i will cut you, kill you, bury your body where it will never be found and i’ll do it all with human spirituality.
Norty: In a chimp suit?
Kern: If need be.
Role in Superman Recast
Frank Langella (TV’s Unscripted) will take over for Hugh Laurie as Daily News Planet editor Perry White in Superman Returns for director Bryan Singer. More….
Kern: i am both pleased and saddened. i’ve been a Laurie booster since the days of Blackadder and if there’s a Brit out there (save Gary Oldman, of course) who deserves work, it’s that man. i’m down with Langella too though, so bully for them all.
Norty: I’ve caught some of Laurie’s work on House, but for the most part, this news doesn’t mean much to me. Not a die hard Supes fan, not a big fan of the actors.
Kern: Well, then i’m so glad you brought this little tidbit to our attention. Have any other lackluster news you feel is just dying for a bit of our patented Gatekeeper indifference?
Norty: It’s actually a slow week, all things considered…..and you owe it to the Superman fans to give them your all, no matter how lackluster their news may be.
Kern: GREAT CAESAR’S GHOST! Supes fans rejoice because everybody’s FAVORITE doc without shlock, Da House Himself, is COMING to Superman Begins, the AWESOME new installment of the MONSTER comic book series from DC!
Norty: Thank you sir.
Kern: Eat me, Norty.
Chris Moore to Produce Race With the Devil
Producer Chris Moore (TV’s Project Greenlight) will be producing a horror remake of the 1975 film Race With the Devil.
Written by Drew McWeeny, (aka “Moriarty” on Ain’t it Cool News) and Scott Swan, the original follows two couples on vacation in Colorado, but after witnessing a satanic ritual performed by a cult, they find themselves being chased by the cult on their own with no help from the police. The original starred Peter Fonda and Loretta Swit.
Norty: I thought Project Greenlight was a failure. Shows how much I know about that, I guess.
Kern: Wait … isn’t that the synopsis of the Rocky Horror Picture Show? Y’know, if Ben Affleck wants to get his career back on track, he could do worse than to star in that remake.
Norty: I’m sure it’s been considered. And he’d probably be turned down anyway. Poor Affleck, guy can’t catch a break….
Kern: i’d suggest Stallone for Frank-n-furter, but there’s no guarantee he’d be willing to come out in fishnet hose.
Norty: Doubtful. I hear he’s even got reservations about going Rambo. Fishnets are out, I’d imagine.
Kern: ! i’ve got it! The ULTIMATE remake! The “Rocky” Horror Picture Show! Stallone as the Doctor! Affleck as Brad, Jessica Simpson as Janet, Bruce Willis as Riff Raff and directed in black and white and 3-D by Robert Rodriguez!!! Money —-> Bank
Norty: …..there’s nothing I can possibly say to that….nothing.
Kern: …which says to me you’ve never seen Rocky Horror and your only reference is a cult cross-dressing phenomenon practiced by people ten to twenty years older than yourself. It’s okay, Norty, really. i was twelve once too. i feel your pain.
Norty: Don’t assume. I’ve seen Rocky Horror. And I do not partake in the cult practices like most of my elected officials. And, erm, you.
Kern: If it was good enough for J. Edgar Hoover, by gawd, it’s good enough for me!
Norty: And that is a damn shame. By gawd.
Trailer of the Week: Bewitched
The Plot: In this remake of the classic 60s TV show, Nicole Kidman stars as Samantha Stephens, a witch who cannot resist using her powers to remedy problems she encounters with her husband, Darrin (Will Ferrell).
The Link: Here
The Analysis:
Michaelangelo “Samantha Stephens” McCullar: Christ. Once again, when Hollywood can’t think of an original idea they retread an old TV show. Really, was there this groundswell of demand to remake this movie? Is there this contingent of people demanding that Bewitched be made? Of course not. But being original demands work, and Hollywood is too damn lazy to care. I’ll be damned if I’m spending one red cent to see this bullshit.
Tom “Larry Tate” D’Errico : Except, instead of doing a straight remake, they actually put a little thought into this one: having the movie be about redoing the TV show. I rolled my eyes at this until I saw the premise. I still probably won’t go to theaters to see it, but I give points for creativity.
Rob “Darrin Stephens” Sutton: Will Ferrell is the wild card here. The guys on a good run and Anchorman was one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen. If there was comedian that could carry a movie like this I think it would be him. While I don’t particularly care for the subject matter here, I do think the casting is good. Every summer needs a good comedy, much like Anchorman was for last year’s. I’m hoping this year that comedy is Kung Fu Hustle but it could end up being Bewitched.
Steve “Endora” Coogan: The reasons I was so enamored with the movie (and subsequently, the trailer) were pretty much covered by Tom and Rob. Not only does it contain Will Ferrell in what could be an amazing comedic role, but it takes the concept of a “remake” and completely turns it on its ear. When I first heard of the concept, it seemed too wacky for its own good. But as it has come together, it looks like it could be a really good time at the theater…Better than National Treasure 2…er…Sahara anyway…
Reviews We Sit Through – For You!
Beauty Shop – Poor Scott Sawitz. I feel for the man. I’m going to directly quote his review, and then just say four words. What follows from there is a series of spectacularly horrible attempts at humor, worse acting and a wholly unoriginal knock-off of Barbershop culminating in perhaps the worst film of the year so far. **Ahem** Saw this one coming. Good review Scotty.
Sweet merciful Jeebus! Have YOU seen Sin City yet? Lord knows we have. Pulse Movies has no less than five, five reviews of this film. Five reviews people! Campbell got to it first, followed by Rob Sutton, Mike McCullar (Third Mike? THIRD?! This was YOUR movie and you let CAMPBELL post the first review?!), Scotty Sawitz, and Travis Leamons. Almost every review gives the movie a perfect ten (damn you Scotty) and they’re all right. Seriously, if you haven’t, go see it. Now. If you have, go see it again. It’s THAT good. No, it’s better.
Fever Pitch seems to be causing some controversy in film land (Trust me – I know well) and it’s not even officially out yet. Two reviews in advance from the guys this week – one from Coogan, a crazy, die-hard Red Sox fan, and one from Campbell, a little less skewed by an un-healthy Boston obsession. Read them both, of course, see the movie, and come to your own decision. We’re only here to help. You better stop with the power creeping on your scores though Campbell ^_^
On DVD
Closer – Travis Leamons takes in what many consider to be one of the best films of 2004. He’s pretty enamoured with the film, but such a movie getting the shaft in the extra’s department is wrong. Check his review out to find out why Closer is so great, while I go on record saying that the DVD will be re-released down the line, complete with at least SOME of the Portman nudity. I’m pretty confident about it. Excellent review by Travis, too.
The Final Cut – Mike McCullar checks out this sci-fi film starring Robin Williams and walks away mostly disappointed. Some simple decisions go wrong and it brings the whole flick down. What a pity. I personally thought Williams was great in his role and the premise was fantastic, and just came together poorly in the end. Sad. But anywho, McCullar covers all that and more, so check out his review of this disappointing DVD.
Spanglish – Scott Sawitz finally lands himself a gem of a film to review (It’s the first I’ve noticed him get anyway) and enjoys this Sandler flick. I loved it. I thought it was brilliant, and while some aspects…erm, sucked, most of the film was fantastic overall. I think I’d give it a solid 8, but I can’t really argue with Scotty’s score. Read him to find out why you should seriously consider seeing this film, Sandler fan or no.
What the *$&% Do We Know? – I’ve never heard of it. I have no interest in it. I don’t care. And, really quick, you’ll realize McCullar feels the same way after reviewing this…..movie. Not much I can say about this one, as it’s best for you to read why you’ll probably never watch it either.
We Even Do Columns!
J. Kern returns. All hail J. Kern, arguably the funniest man writing for our site today (Yes, all of Inside Pulse). Kern comes back in a very retro way, chosing to DMR Top Gun and roast everything about it. Bruckheimer fans beware. Everyone else, sit back and read this hilarious rant about one of those ‘classics’ from the 80’s. Keep it weekly Kerny, there’s plenty of crap circulating around out there for you to really put on a show with.
You can always count on Rob Sutton to deliver the Badass goodness. No exception this week, as he takes a break from his march towards War of the Worlds with a look at comic books brought to screen. Specifically, he covers the Japanese manga Lone Wolf and Cub. It’s a very interesting and fun read, and not as long as you might think at first, because Rob includes a lot of Badass pictures. Good stuff.
And then of course we have Brad Torreano and his Mondo Culto. Even when he’s phoning it in his work is awesome, and just so much better than anything I produce. Can’t blame the man for being busy with Sin City this weekend either. Check out Mondo Culto XIX here. Good times.
Rob Russo continues to Set the Trend this week, tackling the adaptation of fantasy novels to the big screen. He nails everything on the head – everything is pretty groovy on this side of Hollywood right now, but I can definitely see things going sour pretty easily. Sure, Lord of the Rings and Star Wars set the mark, but just like comics, it doesn’t take much to totally ruin the film version of a book. Time will tell, of course. Good stuff again this week Rob.
Mr. McCullar presents his case as to why 12 Angry Men is a Perfect Flick. I’ve no qualms with his decision or his pick this week, because the movie is outstanding, just like the book. I DO have qualms with his praising of a particular lawyer, but I avoided that powder keg of a debate on the forums and I sure as hell am not getting into it now. Otherwise, good work Mikey.
I also write a column on trailers. Everybody loves trailers, right? Nothing too major this week, although Bewitched looks fun and Fever Pitch looks decent (I don’t care WHAT you freaky Boston fan-boys say otherwise). That’s all.
Features
One more week of pimpage for the site’s awesome work on the remake feature. Our end of the (March) month fun came in the form of Originals vs Remakes, and some awesome articles are written covering some big time remakes. Head here to check all of them out.
The End
Well, that’s a wrap. Just a word of warning: This weekend, and very much some key parts of next week, is shaping up to be hellish. I’m telling you guys now (all six of you) so in case I’m late, or even unable to post this **gasp!** at least I can say there was some warning ahead of time. Real life sucks sometimes. Sorry.
Until Next Time…
