The Midnight News 04.11.05

Hyatte—Just wanted to say what a great column as usual. Great review of Mania. Just a little tidbit of some of these “net people”. Over at LOP is this little 8 year old douche named Tito. He think his shit doesn’t stink. Honestly I have a dead grandma who can write a better column than this jackass pre-teen could ever do in his life. Just keep up the good work and if you would ever like a straight shooter to drop you a line just holla playa.

Peace

Rich

Mr TITO? He’s been around longer than I have… and I think he’s in his 20’s.

And that’s all I know about him… other than he is a Master… nay, a LORD of Pain

(Lords of Pain… forever the silliest damn name for a wrestling website ever)

Hyatte, Hey I’m part of the TNA Street Team and I don’t do crap. I’ve only done one thing to help the “company” out but after that I decided if the only ones that got free stuff were the ones that sit in front of the computer all day and respond to every single message on the message board twice, then it’s not exactly a fair deal. Even the posts on the message board are stupid as they’re just overly redundant, the marks obsess over AJ Styles. “Hey which AJ Styles match did you jerk off to today?” “Oh I jerked off to one of the old ones from Nashville. I can’t seem to get off to any from Orlando.” Oh yeah, gind that kid into dust and tell Flea that that picture of the Pope on 1ryderfakin.com is really f*cked up.

Mario

And this is why TNA will one day RULE WRESTLING!

If you’re thinking of moving to Canada, you have to move to Vancouver. I promise to show you a good time (in more ways then one). Maybe I’m biased, but I do think it’s the best city in Canada.

I don’t think you’re lame to have an Internet girlfriend, not that my opinion counts for much. I fell head over heels once for a guy I met online. We never met in real life, but he was the exact kind of guy I was looking for at the time. I would have run off and married him sight unseen… but I’m weird like that.

Keep giving everyone hell. Me, them, it doesn’t matter. It’s what makes you great, and makes you soooo attractive at the same time. You’re totally right, girls love a bad, bad man!

Melody

Thank you… just don’t stalk me please… I’ve had enough of that for a while.

Hello scamps, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. I will NOT apologize for last week’s nightmare of a Mop-Up… not to you, not to Widro, and not to God! I tried, I bombed, and I decided that sleep would do me much better that night. Yes, it re-defined the word “debacle”… and yes, even I didn’t have the guts to re-read the thing after it was posted. Let’s just forget it ever existed… I’m done with them. Sorry.. onward and upward… until the burn-out is complete.

Not much rasslin’ news to report on this week… everyone is in Australia and then they get a big fat week off… so all’s quiet on the WWE front. We got ONE, count it… ONE wrestling story and then a whole bunch of nonsense that you might like… or maybe not. It’s a quick column this week… I’m sort of burnt.

Problem? It isn’t bothering me, I got your unique visitation already… HA!! I’M PUTTING OUT GARBAGE AND YOU CAN’T DO A THING ABOUT IT!!

Anyway… let’s begin… oh, and Flea will be filling in for Eric for the next two days… so check it out.

WHAT, ME WARRY(OR)?

HELLWIG!!

No more… he changed his name offically to “Warrior” and he somehow managed to turn himself into a public speaker… a hilarious one.

You probably know the story already… he was speaking at the University of Connecticut where he made “racist and homophobic” comments, specifically about how “queering don’t make the world work” and adviced an Iranian student to “get a towel”.

For some crazy reason, the UConn people freaked… Warrior officially laughed it off and said “I was being politically incorrect”.

Umm… he’s a wrestler… a bad one.

Umm… A WRESTLER!!

Jesus, you get what you PAY for, ya’ know… what were these UConn guys expecting from a dude who made his carteer on shaking ring ropes in tights with a juiced up body… what sort of discourse were they hoping for?

Anyway… the whacky thing is… you people don’t even know HALF of what the guy said up there… Midnight News correspondent Tess Nightie was there and she sent me even MORE stuff that the Warrior said that fateful night… get’cher thesauruses ready kids…

“Ignobile martinet’s of the fruity persuasion are the scions of Broadway”

“Former Executive Commanders in Chief with lubricious deviant malice on their minds simply are not capable of producing effective policy”

“I once fornicated upon the sumptious, youthful, bosom of Mistress Stephanie Mcmahon”

“Terry Bollea ingests the seminal output of naive Portugese adolescent males.”

“I enjoy the company of the negresses, delightful conversationlists as they eradicate the natural bodily fluid residue from my undergarments

“Only spic is a dead spic”

“JEWS! Why ain’t they dead?”

“Artifical stimulation of the body’s natural musculature can only possibly help raise awareness and the profile of the ignobility of professional athletics.”

“Dental Floss makes a fantabulous blindfold whence you choose to delve into the kinkier nature with a Jap.”

“Alas, my own personal dealing with the discharge of the happy junk, junk fluid from my penis has long since abated with the forestalling of my own former professional career”

“I think I’m gay.”

“For all his pompous maneuvering within the ring, both amatuer and professional, Kurt Angle still ain’t shit.”

“Show of hands… who here hasn’t gotten head from Tammy Sytch?”

“No, I don’t know if Stone Cold is going to wrestling again.”

“Will the unconscionable troglodytes who keep shouting “What” at me after every pause please SHUT THE FUCK UP!!”

“Why yes, Roderick Piper was indeed a rump wrangler, you mean this is still a topic shrouded in pock-marked secrecy?”

“God bought my work-out tapes. He is a Warrior.”

Hellwig… a treasure. A true treasure.

MY THREE STOOGES

For those who forgot, or haven’t been paying attention…

Shadowridge117 is the AIM name of Howard… something… aka “Chaos”, who is a moderator on the Inside Pulse forums here…

He had the balls to try to get me thrown off of this site… MY site. He also had the balls to try to get all the site editors here, including Widro, to keep an “eye” on me and edit anything I write, should I get “out of hand”.

Of course, this won’t do…

Someone found Chaos on instant messenger and tried real hard to raise a little hell… unfortunately, Chaos is anything but… and seems to be a f*cking pussy. Observe:

EarlytimeVa: yo
Shadowridge117: hey
EarlytimeVa: what’s up?
Shadowridge117: not much – you?
EarlytimeVa: not much

EarlytimeVa: I forget where I got this sn from…
EarlytimeVa: wait, are you Chaos?
Shadowridge117: yessir
EarlytimeVa: that dude who Hyatte ripped a new one in the midnight news a few weeks ago?
Shadowridge117: heh

EarlytimeVa: you going to take that laying down?
Shadowridge117: how else should I take it?
EarlytimeVa: I guess it’s just a habit for a guy like you..going down on guys and all, same difference
Shadowridge117: thanks

Shadowridge117: who is this?
EarlytimeVa: I’m nobody you’ve ever heard of
Shadowridge117: same with me

Shadowridge117: well, nice to hear from you, whoever you are
EarlytimeVa: just doing what I can

Shadowridge117: so tell me a little about yourself
EarlytimeVa: you’re not as much fun as the rick was, ya know?

Wow… what a submissive homo. Just takes it without nary a fight.

Jesus kid…

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.*

And just like that, you’re smarter than you were three seconds ago

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…

The Masters?

The black guy won. Hugged his mama. Hugged his white wife. High Fived his White Agent. Hugged the only other Black Guy there (bro was with the agent, or else he wouldn’t have been admitted). The Masters have a Black. Things ain’t changed all that much. .

Flea, who actually very rarely refers to our proud African brothers and sisters as “black guys”

THE BRAND SPLIT IS BETTER FOR YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of all these IDIOTS claiming that the Brand Extension should be discontinued and re-combined. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good reason why the Brand Extension is THE BEST THING THE WWE HAS DONE IN YEARS (other than hire Stratus), and why useless sheet writers like Wade “9 Hours of Russo and Ferrera, and I have the nerve to sell it!” Keller and worthless net writers like Dave “I can outbench Meltzer” Scherer have shown their TRUE “intelligence” by holding onto this cheap, rushed, complaining for the sake of complaining ideal.

Pay attention and you’ll understand why you dumb f*cking sheep are listening to morons.

The Brand Split Is Better For You Because…

Combine the brands and the only TV Rey Mysterio will get on is America’s Most Wanted: The Crackdown on Illegal Immigrants

THIS HAS BEEN “THE BRAND SPLIT IS BETTER FOR YOU” STARRING RAW AND SMACKDOWN! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND

Haven’t done this in a while…

Top five ten movies of the week, daddio!! With real live INSIDE PULSE MOVIE REVIEWS INCLUDED

1) Sahara: $18.5 million opening weekend. Matthew McCoonehee doesn’t bother me… I neither hate him nor like him. I am apathetic. HOWEVER, I will NOT make the effort it takes to properly spell his name.

Penelope Cruz, on the other hand, has a face I’d just LOVE to smoosh in my hands while I violate her in a very bad place.

I think it’s safe to say that Matthew McCoagulately can look forward to a lifetime of getting scripts that were passed on by… oh about 30 stars before the producers finally resigned themselves to giving him a shot. B-MOVE STAR, PEOPLE!

But I hear he plays a mean set of naked bongos!

2) Sin City: $14.1 million ($50.7 million total). Did we ask for this Mickey Rourke comeback? No. DO we NEED this Mickey Rourke comeback?? NO! Is it a safe bet that Mickey Rourke will do something phenominally retarded to RUIN his big comeback? HELLAYES! Is it more fun to laugh and grimace at Mickey Rourke’s nightmare of a f*ck-up plastic surgery then to marvel at his comeback? YES, YES, AND YES AGAIN!!

And why is Rosario Dawson getting all this work?

3) Fever Pitch: $13 million opening weekend. The Farrelly Brothers biggest mistake is how they are trying to do more… mature fare. I’m sorry, but Dumb & Dumber is the funniest frickin’ film I’ve ever seen… STILL.

I do not get Drew Barrymore NOR do I like Drew Barrymore… she has a lisp, she is pudgy, and her face has a pushed in flat quality… plus she’s a total phony… every goddam interview she gives is her talking about how “wonderful”, “great”, and “amazing” every aspect of her life is! According to Drew Barrymore, she hasn’t had a bad day since the Reagan Administration. UGH!! PHONY, FAKER, FRAUD! BE HONEST FOR ONCE!!

And Jimmy Fallon can eat me. BAH!

4) Guess Who: $7.1 million ($51.3 million total). No. Just… no. And Bernie Mac should fire his agent.

I don’t know one single rich black guy who would let his daughter marry a white kid… it just doesn’t happen, people!

5) Beauty Shop: $7.1 million ($26.4 million total): Every single living soul that saw this movie walked out with one question in mind… exactly what the living HELL is Alicia Silverstone doing in a beauty shop filled with black chicks?

6) Robots: $4.7 million ($111 million total). Is this the one where the big green guy finds true love? Or is this the one where the fish finds his son in Australia for some god forsaken reason? Oh, wait, no, this is the one where Roboin Williams collects 20 BILLION dollars for 2 weeks worth of work and another blockbuster movie on his resume. Damn hairy jerk.

7) Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous: $4.1 million ($37.4 million total).
You want to talk comebacks?? You want to talk about career resuscutation???? By God, Bill Shatner can teach Mickey Rourke a thing or two!! DENNY CRANE, YOU BASTARDS!!!

Sandra Bullock needed this… she ain’t no spring chicken.

8) The Pacifer: $3 million ($100 million total). Well, gee whiz… what else was Vin Diesal going to do for crying out loud? Ben Affleck laughs at Diesal’s falling career

9) The Ring 2: $2.9 million ($72.3 million total). I’ve had sex with girls who look just like that thing…. hell YEAH they give up the butt

10) http://movies.insidepulse.com/article.php?contentid=35530: $2.6 million ($12.4 million total). I like Kevin Costner… I liked Waterworld too. Good for him! Now THIS is a comeback I can get behind!

And there you have it.

While we are in this movie motif…

DOING LINES… CAUGHT ON FILM

What I do here is take lines from movies/tv shows and put them here for your amusement and/or delight! Neat, huh?

Of course, I need YOUR help, with submissions and what not. A fellow by the name of Justin Parr has been helping me out with these for years!

I also alternate them with quotes from wrestlers.

I don’t know why I felt the need to explain the segment, I just did. Blow me.

01): You should read the Bible, Mr. Rumson.

I have read the Bible, Mrs. Fenty.

Didn’t that discourage you about drinking?

No, but it sure killed my appetite for readin’!Paint Your Wagon

02): Ted: My name is not Theodore, it’s TED, TED, TED, TED, TED, NOT TEDDY, NOT THEODORE . . . TED . . . . Yes, my mother did me the service of naming me Theodore and I haven’t a clue as to how you know that because everyone who knows that lives a long way away from here. Do you have any idea what it’s like to go to school where all the other kids’ parents are in jail doing time for crimes like grand larceny, aggravated assault, burglary and murder, and you get stuck with a mother who names you Theodore and dressed you up in little matching pink outfits with, get this, a little blue bow f*cking tie! Well, I’ll tell you what happens. Pretty soon Theodore becomes “Theo the Thumper,” and when Theo the Thumper gets old enough, he packs his bags and goes thousands of miles away where he can put the whole bloody mess behind him. So, if you don’t mind, shoot me now, because no one is going to call me that again. My name is Ted, okay? Got it? TED!Four Rooms

03): Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.Caddyshack

04): Remember Mahoney, nobody screws with me.

Well, maybe you’ll meet the right girl and all of that will change.Police Academy

05): Dr. Venkman, would you please tell the court why you and your co-defendants took it upon yourselves to dig a very big hole in the middle of First Avenue?

Well, there are so many holes in First Avenue, we really didn’t think anyone would notice.Ghostbusters II

06) Didn’t you play that retarded guy on TV?

Yeah.

Are you really retarded?

No.

Ooh, great job man! I really thought you were retarded. I mean, you’re better than that Corky kid and he’s actually retarded. If there was a retarded Oscar you would win, hands down, kick his ass!Garden State

07): Oooooh I need that big cock in my pussy! Fuck the SHIT out of me! Both of you!This Little Piggie Went To Porno starring Jasmin St. Claire

08): The guy put his finger in my ass!

Is it Friday already?The Usual Suspects

09): You see, in this world there’s two kinds of people my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig.The Good,The Bad,and The Ugly

10): You see this watch? You see this watch? That watch cost more than your car. I made $970,000 last year, how much you make? You see, pal, that’s who I am and you’re nothing. Nice guy, I don’t give a shit. Good father, f*ck you, go home and play with your kids. You want to work here, close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can’t take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don’t like it? Leave.Glengarry Glen Ross

And there you go…

Glengarry Glen Ross… STILL, possibly the greatest movie… EVER!

Let’s take this puppy home with one last bit of hysterical material…

WRITING WITH BONERS

So Widro wants me to find the “next great writer”… because he knows I’m running out of steam.

Problem is… I don’t want to look… I can’t find anyone, anyway.

But fine… here’s a writer… not great, not even good… and in desperate need of a woman.

On the net, if you look hard enough (I don’t, I SWEAR), you will find something called “Fan Fiction”, where… err…. writers dream up erotic little tales involving wrestlers. I thought I’d showcase a cut from one this week.

Unfortunately, this is a FAMILY COLUMN… so I have to clean it up a bit…. and what better way to clean it up and have a little fun than to do it Mad Libs style!

And so, straight from the depressing mind of Spikedabomb at the… umm… WA Forums (?? no clue), I give you…

Trish & Lita

Mad Libs courtesy of Major League Baseball:

{Trish}stood up, and felt strange with a fourteen-inch fake (Pedro) up her (Ichiro). She couldn’t stand straight. She pulled out another (Astros) from her bag. This was a 10″ solid one on a wooden stand. She set it down on the table. Then she took out a 4″ (Swing and a miss) and a tub of oil. She poured some oil on her hands and lay on her back, arching it and using her legs to lift her (Zito) off the ground. She rubbed her hand all around her (Los Angeles Dodgers), between her (Ground Rule Double) and all along the (Corking). She dipped her finger in the tub and then poked it up her (Slider) . Just to her first knuckle. Then slowly she poked in the rest. She repeated the process of lubing her (Yankees Suck) and then poking her (Mr. October) three times.

Then she took the small four-inch (Diamondbacks) and covered it in oil. In one swift motion she rammed this (Foul Tip), which was one and a half inches thick into her (Sunflower Seeds). The pleasure was indescribable and Trish moaned. Her (Royals) was well used to the thickness, and the feeling of something slippery sliding up her (wind-up). She left in the (Cubbies) and began to lube the (Giambi) up. This (Brewers) was two inches thick. Trish had bought it three days ago, and as she lubed it realised she had never had more than 7 inches up her (Green Monster) .

Then she pulled out the small (Chipper Jones) and left the ten inch one on the table. All that time the fourteen-inch (Ground to short) was stuck in her (FOUL!!) and was wiggling around in there. Then she sat on the table in front of the (Griffey Jr.). It was thicker then anything her (Clean-up) had ever felt, no (Steinbrenner) could ever match it. Using her arms to lift herself up she rested her (Jeter) on the (Orioles). She moved around until she felt the top of it touching her (Sacrifice Bunt). She let herself down a little bit so it would penetrate her (Blue Jays) a little bit. Then she dropped. She pulled her arms away and (Piazza) herself on the (SAFE!!!), . It sunk all the way in and (Pop to short) her (Top of the Order) . The pain was too much and she started to scream. She remembered it was this sore when she was first (Tigers) up the (Padres). But she still screamed.

Next-door Lita was in the middle of showering. This shower had a showerhead that was an inch thick and shot its water out the top. Usually it was attached to the wall and the water came up through a pipe but at the moment it was buried nine inches into Litas (Deep into Center). She had (Schilling) once all over the floor and her (Rangers) were trickling towards the drain. As she (Big Mac) the showerhead in and out she neared her second (Bonds), and turned on the water. It began to spurt into her (Stealing Second), simulating a man (RBI), into her. Lita could feel the energy running through her body and was about to (BACKBACKBACKBACK), when suddenly she heard a scream coming from next door.

It sounded like someone getting attacked. Lita pulled the showerhead out of her (Wrigley Field), grabbed her robe and ran next door. She never expected to see what she saw.

In front of her Lita could see Trish Stratus going up and down on a (Smoltz). Lita could see Trish from the side and could see Trish’s mammoth (Oil Can Boyd) bouncing. Lita had never felt so turned on in all her life. Lita snuck up behind Trish.

Trish felt a pair of hands grabbing her (*61) from behind. She was nearing her (Full Count) and at that time didn’t care whose hands they were; they just felt so (Sammy) on her (“$8 for a BEER??”). Finally Trish (Damon). She screamed in pleasure, and her (Fenway) started to spasm. With the (Kevin Costner) rammed deep in her (Marlins) her (Coor’s Field) were building up until they found a small gap and exploded out. After a minute of (PLAY BALL!!), Trish could still feel two hands massaging her (Pudge). She twisted her head to see who it was, and as she did so, a (Tony LaRussa) entered her mouth. It unrolled over hers and started to (DH) it. Trish thought that this (Double Play) was (Camden Yards) then any (Reds) she had had in her mouth before. She opened her eyes and saw red hair. It slowly dawned on her that it was Lita’s (The Big Unit) in her mouth, and Lita’s hands rolling her (Noooomar) between their fingers. Trish had never (STEEEEERIIIKE) a woman before, and didn’t know what to do. During their training Lita did seem to get very close to her, and often “accidentally” brushed her hand off Trish’s (Braves) or her (Rally Monkeys). She also felt strange because, she had never felt ,(Giants) by another woman before. She felt slight embarrassment because she had a combined twenty-four inches of (A-Rod) in her (Grapefruit League). But Lita seemed totally at ease with the situation.

Lita was in heaven. Ever since she had seen that video of Trish in the (HOT DOGS HERE) that was floating around the net, Lita had felt attracted to Trish. This wasn’t the first time Lita had walked in on Trish when she had something up her (The Big Hurt). The last time it had been a (Charlie Hustle), like the one the (DAAAAAARYL, DAAAAAAAARYL) used to use. Trish didn’t notice that time either. Lita slowly took her (Royals) out of Trish’s mouth and walked around the table. She helped Trish off the (Take Me Out to the Ballgame).

She looked down and saw the back of the (Take Me Out to the Crowd) over Trish’s (Buy Me some peanuts and Crackerjacks). “What’s this?”

The answer from Trish came after a couple of seconds. “(I don’t care if I EVER go back) it and see!”

Lita smiled realising Trish did want to go further. Lita undid the (For it’s root,) and started to pull out the (ROOT ROOT). After she had pulled it out a little bit, she felt (for the hoooome team) than she ever had before. Trish’s (If they don’t win it’s a shaaaaame) were still pouring out from her (For it’s one, two, three strikes you’re out). Her (at the old ball game) were (A’s) around the (Skoal), . Her (Copenhagen), was tanned all over. The triangle of (Pine Tar), was perfect, trimmed and none of the (Mets) rising higher than the others. It was the (Change-Up) Lita had always dreamed of. She kept pulling out the (Sox), and after she got to the (Curse of the Bambino) she was shocked to see there was more. The most (Expos) she had ever had was (Anaheim). She got to (Strike Zone) and looked into Trish’s (Devil Rays), shocked at how far in it was. Trish just smiled. She continued pulling, (Batting Third), and finally with a slight (Rocket Roger) it came out. “What a neat trick. Fourteen (Mariners) in your (White Sox)!” The (Rockies) was covered in Trish’s (Out at first) and Lita said, “I have a neat trick too”. She took the (Byung-Hyun Kim) and proceeded to push it into her mouth…

*****

Yes… what better way to celebrate the return of America’s Pastime! Play Ball indeed!

Speaking of past time… it’s past time I went to bed… so there you go… and here I go..

Enjoy Flea over the next two days… and enjoy someone who isn’t me next week… I’m taking it off.

See you in two… maybe… if I feel like it.

This is Hyatte