The Crucifix


Last week was quite the interesting week. Between working 60 hours, writing two columns, watching 4 movies and getting, on average, about 4 hours of sleep per night, I stayed pretty busy. Hopefully this week will be a tad lighter on the crazy shit, but you never know. As for wrestling, on with the show…

Raw 04.04.05

– Triple H talks. When he gets his belt back, he’s going to shove it down each and every one of our throats.
– Shelton Benjamin def. Chris Jericho and Christian to retain the Intercontinental Title.
– Edge signs his contract, but he won’t use it tonight. GM Eric tells Edge he’s going to face Chris Benoit.
– Randy Orton comes out and tells us that he hurt his shoulder trying to Tombstone Undertaker, and that’s why he lost. So now he wants Batista. GM Eric makes the match.
– Trish beats Christy before the match, Lita saves. Lita gets a Boston Crab for her troubles.
– HBK wants a rematch with Angle. So does the crowd. Hassan and Daivari come out and bitch and moan about the usual. Shawn fights them, they go for the bad ankle and strap on the Camel Clutch, from here on out labeled “The Pentagon.”
– Chris Benoit def. Edge. Edge jumps him after the match with a chair to Benoit’s bad arm.
– Simon Dean shills his Simon System with Maven. Steve Austin comes out and they all make fun of each other and then Austin beats them both down.
– Kane makes fun of Orton for losing to Undertaker. He says, “I told you so,” which may or may not be his tag line in Eye Scream Man.
– Batista def. Randy Orton via squash.

The Raw Membrane

– If Triple H really shoves it down our throats, that would make him guilty of assault.
– Triple Stratus is guilty of assault on Christy and Lita.
– Hassan and Daivari are guilty of assault.
– Edge is guilty of assault with a deadly weapon.
– Steve Austin is guilty of assault.
– Maven is guilty of being a tool. How do you wind up being Zip to Deans’ Skip?
– Batista is guilty of raping Randy Orton of his dignity.


– When Triple H was talking about ramming things down throats, you think Stephanie was getting all excited?
– Anyone else think that Shelton Benjamin is the next big thing, pardon the pun?
– Edge signing the contract was proof positive that no matter whom you f*ck over, you will be pushed if you have the look.
– Wait wait wait…so Randy Orton loses to Undertaker, admits he’s hurt and gets a title shot for it? So if I write a shitty column and admit I have 8 fingers on each hand, will I start getting paid?
– Why didn’t Edge come out and save Lita? I heard Rhyno broke a flowerpot, could this be connected?
– So I guess we’ll get the Angle/Michaels rematch at Summerslam, unless they do a brand switch. I’d send Angle to Raw and give Smackdown Orton and Jericho in return. Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to keep Jericho, but he can be an effective heel for Cena to play with.
– Chris Benoit is one badass mofo. I get WWE’s idea though: Build Edge up into a viable contender by having Benoit put on **** clinics with him. Edge gets the blow off win and goes for the title. Smart…booking…smart booking!
– I had this to say during the Austin segment: “I’ve seen this shit before.”
– Kane is one scary bastard. That laugh is wicked. If he uses that thing in Eye Scream Man, I’ll be crying like a little girl in the corner.
– So I guess Randy Orton isn’t going to around for a while. Quite frankly, he shouldn’t be after that glorified squash. That was just disturbing. Also, how about Batista not being on the show at all the day after his win? Why didn’t he talk? Triple who? Ohhhhh…I get it…


– JBL comes out and wants a title shot. So does Eddie. So does Booker T. So does Big Show. So does Rey Mysterio. So does Jeff Jarrett. So does the Kool-Aid Man. CHRIST! Angle wants one too, and he cuts an awesome promo that shows why he rules. Holla Holla! Teddy sets up a tournament for the #1 contender.
– Paul London def. Billy Kidman after bleeding like a popped artery.
– Chavo and Kidman beat down London.
– Luther makes fun of Big Show for losing to Akebono. Big Show challenges Luther.
– Big Show def. Luther Reigns
– John Cena talks.
– Angle cuts another fun promo to introduce his Angle Invitational opponent.
– Kurt Angle def. Jose Quesada
– Angle talks some more.
– Carlito announces he will have a talk show, Carlito’s Cabana.
– Whore…err…swimsuit competition is won by Torrie.
– JBL def. Rey Mysterio via DQ due to Eddie Guerrero’s interference.
– The Cabinet jumps Rey and Eddie, Cena saves.

The Smackdown Membrane

– Kurt Angle is guilty of being too awesome.
– Chavo and Kidman are guilty of assault on Paul London.
– Kurt Angle is guilty of assault with a weapon for hitting Jose with the microphone.
– The Cabinet is guilty of assault.
– John Cena is guilty of violating the Calvin Klein laws.


– Kurt Angle pointed out everything I would have pointed out: Show, JBL and Eddie all lost at Wrestlemania, Booker T wasn’t even on the card, and Rey Mysterio is too short. Awesome stuff.
– Paul London looked disgusting after that match.
– Luther Reigns would’ve done ten times as well with Gene Snitsky’s gimmick.
– If I could, I’d find a way to make Mysterio a heel. He could change his whole style and refuse to fly and all that stuff. It would be awesome…kind of like our Wrestling Rankings…shameless…I am so shameless.

The Crown Of Thorns: Raw

– Benoit takes out Edge with a chair and steals the briefcase.
– Batista vs. Triple H rematch announced, hopefully Hell In A Cell.
– Victoria wins the Intercontinental Title in a shocking upset over Shelton Benjamin.
– Steve Austin brawls with Muhammed Hassan.

The Crown Of Thorns: Smackdown

– Kurt Angle beats Eddie after Rey’s interference backfires.
– Cena raps about staying in school. (What the f*ck am I talking about?)
– Big Show eats Paul London.
– The Dudleyz return to take out Eddie and Rey after the Angle match.

I didn’t know people cared so much. After getting an instant message from Matthew Michael letting me know that Victoria did still rule, despite my column’s note last week, I realized something: Victoria does still rule. This was confirmed by her updating her website and including a video that Molly filmed from Australia of Victoria dancing with a dance troop out there. It’s the little things like this that make me believe in Victoria. So…she does rule.
Visit Victoria at

That didn’t last now, did it? I guess it’s back to the drawing board for her character, now that Playboy is done and Triple Stratus whipped her.

Visit Christy at

News & Thoughts

– More information has surfaced regarding Rhyno’s release and what prompted it. Let me get this straight: Rhyno says he has nothing to live for and doesn’t care if he is released and WWE releases him? Are you kidding? The same company that always pats itself on the back for helping their workers in their time of need releases a guy who acts overtly suicidal? What a joke! This company paid for Sean Waltman to go to rehab but couldn’t keep Rhyno under contract and possibly save his life? Odds are good that Rhyno will be dead in a month and WWE will do some “investigative report” on it. Listen, if he had just broken a flowerpot and made an ass out of himself, I would release him too. But when someone says they have nothing left to live for, that’s a sign. You can’t turn your back on that person at that point. To add a lighter side to this, I’ll be damned pissed if he dies because I still have Chyna as next in the office pool.

Warrior is up to some shenanigans again! Warrior causes riots because the riots of which Warrior causes have no riotous causes to them within the Warrior’s spirit of destrucity! His response to the apology from UConn’s College Republican’s apology is awesome though. You get the feeling that while Warrior is pretty damn loopy, he makes some sense most of the time.

– WWE’s response to Brock’s lawsuit was awesome, as I said in my Thursday Pulse.

Matt Hardy Released

Let me break this down like a fraction, and I’ll probably do something stupid for it on Thursday:

– Matt Hardy gets injured.
– Edge starts nailing Lita.
– Lita gets injured.
– Edge’s wife tells Matt about Edge and Lita.
– The shit hits the fan.
– Matt Hardy gets…released?

The WWE sees more marketability in Edge. They were angry with Matt for the way he handled the situation. They didn’t like that Lita got booed in the Carolina’s. During a house show a little while ago, Edge’s car tires were supposedly slashed, then Shannon Moore got in that car accident. Someone explain to me what the f*ck is going on here? They basically tell Rhyno to go off himself and now they release the person who got screwed over the worst by this whole thing? Sorry, but the fact that Copeland and Dumas kept the matter “in house” is bullshit. Think of it like this: If you were wrong, would you like to publicly admit it? No, you wouldn’t. Copeland and Dumas didn’t say anything because they acted like 7th graders, not people who were married and in a long-term relationship. Now WWE, in all their wisdom, releases Hardy to quell the situation. Good move…I would’ve traded him to Smackdown but whatever, that’s why highly talented “professionals” who are required to have BA’s in television writing and kinda/sorta know what wrestling is are hired to write the shows. God forbid they hire people that have been fans for years and know what works and doesn’t. I’m off point, but you get my drift.

They, of course, have that 90-day clause that says “Yes, we fired you, but you can’t go work for anyone else.” Talk about bullshit. But never fear, TNA will pick him up unless they’re stupid. Now this comes out from PWInisder:

There had been vignettes planned for Matt Hardy’s return for some time and at one point, he was offered a spot in the Wrestlemania 21 ladder match but turned it down, feeling his return would have been overshadowed by being in a bout with five others. As of a week ago, he was scheduled to return around this timeframe. He’s cleared to wrestle medically but will now have to wait the 90 day period for his release, which would be early July before he can take independent work or a TNA offer

If that’s true, one could gather two things: Matt should’ve taken the spot in the match and just went crazy to try and steal the show and Shelton Benjamin should call Hardy and thank him for not taking the spot. Benjamin would’ve been screwing around with Hassan at Mania if it weren’t for Hardy. Either way, this is my opinion, which I will elaborate on in The Thursday Pulse:

Matt Hardy is the “Bret Hart” Hardy Boy and he got screwed not only out of his girlfriend, but ultimately his job. If he had shut up and just brawled with Edge backstage, it would’ve been ok because it would’ve been “in house.” But Matt went and used wrestling’s best friend, the Internet, to speak his mind. So WWE fires him for this. Well, it’ll be fun to see what happens with Edge and Lita next week at Madison Square Garden. You gotta know that when it comes to IWC people, the base is in NY and Canada. Mr. Copeland and Ms. Dumas, welcome to IWC hell.

Plugging It In

– Check out Bufton and his column Cactus Jack’s Hometown.

– Ultimate Fighter finally was great. Forrest Griffin and Stephan Bonnar (huhhuh…he said Bonnar) was an awesome, no frills match and they did the right thing by giving both guys contracts. I rooted for Diego in the first fight, just because I am big on submissions and like his style. As for Shamrock, seeing him fall down twice in two minutes and get killed by Franklin was pretty sad. I mean c’mon! He’s a former Intercontinental Champion! Matthew Michael chimes in on moodspins. If you want some Tap Out gear, go to Also, the “American Fighter” shirt, complete with “…one time, at fight camp…” on it can be found at

Foamy is still funny.

– Running out of things to plug…ummm..yes…old reliables!

Links directly to the audio, to save you the step! Did you know I’m the only one right here on (cheap pop) that you can carry around on your iPod!? I’m 210 pounds and you can carry me around! Download the interviews bitches!

Before I completely lose it, I’m going to leave. I have nothing left to write for; I’m off to break a flowerpot.

Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.