The SmarK Rant for TNA Destination X
– Live from Orlando, FL
– Your hosts are Mike Tenay & Don West.
– Opening match: AMW & 3 Live Kru v. Bobby Roode, Erik Young, Petey Williams & Alistair Rouse. James gets pounded by Roode to start, but comes back with the funky punches and cleans house. Team Canada regroups, so James brings Konnan in to go with Young. Criss-cross and Konnan gets the rolling clothesline, then takes his shoe off and tosses it at him. Well, that’s some unique offense. Storm comes in and does another criss-cross, into a hiptoss and dropkick series to control Young. Storm cleans house and Team Canada has to regroup again, but Harris tosses Storm onto the group this time. Harris follows with a nice crossbody to the floor. Next up, it’s Petey Williams going with Harris, but a double-team backfires. Harris tries a charge to follow up, but misses and becomes face in peril. Roode works on the shoulder and Petey gets a nice spinning single-arm DDT for two. Rouse comes in, looking like Van Hammer’s illegimate offspring, and gets a hammerlock slam for two. Dude’s big enough that frankly I’m shocked he’s not in WWE developmental right now. Young stays on the arm with a top wristlock. Harris fights out with a clothesline and makes the hot tag to Konnan, and it’s hiptosses and facejams all around. He gets the Shitty Half-Crab of Doom on Roode as it breaks into a donnybrook, but Konnan makes the mistake of going after Scott D’Amore, and Roode catches him from behind with a lariat for the pin at 8:54. Good opener. ***
– Chase Stevens v. Chris Sabin. Poor Sabin’s been going nowhere for months now. Stevens attacks to start and Sabin takes him down with a headlock, then catches a rana. Stevens bails and Sabin follows with a crossbody to the floor. Back in, Chase catches him with a cheapshot and chokes away. Sabin tries to springboard in for a comeback, but Chris Candido pulls him off the apron and Stevens gets two. The boredom continues as Sabin slugs back until Stevens goes low. That gets two. Backbreaker and flatliner get two. Moonsault gets two. All this stuff is being done with no build or emotion, which makes it pretty tough to care. Stevens tries a surfboard, and that goes on for a while, until Sabin fights back with an atomic drop. Enzuigiri and tornado DDT gets a close two. Cradle Shock looks to finish, but Andy Douglas breaks it up and puts Stevens on top with a rollup. Despite holding the tights, Sabin still reverses for the pin at 6:16. This did nothing for me. *1/2 Some dude in a mask runs in and cleans house on the heels, and unmasks as Shocker, “direct from the McDonalds commerical!” to quote Mike Tenay. Wow, the McDonalds commercial, huh? I think their scouting system needs work. Maybe they’ll sign the strongmen from the old Caramilk commercials, too.
– Bullrope match: Dustin Rhodes v. Raven. Ah, the old standby of Dustin’s career when he needs to stretch out a feud no one cares about. Dustin pulls Raven into the post to start and takes a mighty swing with the cowbell, but Raven ducks. They slug it out on the floor and Dustin pulls him back in and works on the back, then heads out and pulls Raven into the corner. Cute spot as Dustin goes around the post and uses the bullrope as a lever to keep pulling Raven into the corner. He chokes away and goes up, but Raven pulls him down to take over. Don West calls standing on the middle rope a “high risk move”. Maybe if he was Sid Vicious. Raven goes to work with the cowbell and jams a chair into the neck, then does the dreaded “putting his head on a chair and dropping an elbow on the back” move, which really does, uh, nothing. Dustin fights back with a rope burn to the nuts. Don West declares “Ow, that hurts!” as though he has personal experience. Not that I want to know. Dustin slugs away in the corner with the flip flop and fly, setting up the bulldog, but excessive stalling allows Raven to counter and grab the chair again. Dustin tries another swing with the cowbell, but hits the chair, and there’s a counter you don’t get all the time. Dustin comes back with a bulldog on the chair for the pin at 6:08, however. Dull and heatless. Just like last month. *1/2 Team Canada and AMW get into a big brawl soon after. Why? I prefer not to care.
– Phi Delta Slam v. The Disciples of Destruction. I know the world was just waiting for another repackage of the Harris brothers. Bruno starts with Ron and gets nowhere, so Big Tilly comes in and gets booted down. The Harrissae clean house, as Big Ron dumps Big Tilly. I think we need a rule saying that only one guy nicknamed “Big” is allowed per match. A PDS double-team attempt goes nowhere and Bruno gets dumped and assaulted by Don outside. Back in, Bruno stumbles around and gets suplexed, but Trinity distracts Don and he’s bald guy in peril. Tilly gets a corner splash and they get a double chop to put Don down. Bruno gets a knee to the gut and Tilly drops an elbow. I feel like it’s 1998 and I’m watching endless LOD v. DOA matches again. Trinity tries to interfere and gets clobbered by Don. Back in, Bruno gets a suplex on Don and goes up, but misses an elbow that resembles a bellyflop. Hot (hah!) tag to Ron and he hits people. It’s BONZO GONZO and PDS double-team Ron while this just drags on past all realms of sanity, and Tilly gets the, ahem, Hully Gully Splash, but the ref is distracted. The Harrissessisisissses do the switch, as Tenay notes that the Hully Gully usually leads to the 1-2-3. Well, of course it does. The illegal Harris comes back with a boot on Tilly and gets the blessed pin to end this thing at 10:20. DUD, DUD, DUD!
– Monty Brown v. Trytan. The announcers note that we know nothing about Trytan, but then say he’s big, dangerous and elusive. Well, that’s hardly NOTHING. Sure, it’s fairly vague and uninformative, but at least he’s got a character bio. Brown slugs away to start and gets nothing, as Trytan is big and dangerous and elusive and won’t sell. Trytan gets a god-awful press-slam and nearly kills Monty in the process, but can’t get his elusive chokeslam. Trytan charges and lands on the floor, but fights off Brown when he follows. Sign in the front row: “We love you Scott”. Right back at ya, man. Trytan works on Brown’s shoulder using the post, which incidentally has more charisma than Trytan himself. Back in, Trytan gets a knee that misses by two feet and pounds away in the corner, like Gene Snitsky without the character development, but misses a charge and hits boot in the corner. Brown kicks away at the knee to drop Trytan, but our mystery man finally gets his chokeslam. And gets two. Dude, if you spend the whole match trying for a chokeslam and it only gets two, you’re a LOSER. Find a new move. Monty fights back because it’s the arbitrary point where he must, and gets a dropkick. He starts throwing chops, threatening to get this above DUD, and comes back with a fallaway slam. Can he do the impossible and make this watchable? NO. Because the lights go out and Mideon runs in, only to get pounced and pinned at 5:29. Yeah, I don’t get it either. It was teasing positive stars near the end, but having a masked guy who looks nothing like Trytan running in and getting pinned is an automatic ** deduction. Check the rulebook, it’s in there. -**
– Jeff Hardy v. Abyss. This is falls count anywhere rules. Abyss quickly attacks and tries the backbreaker, but Hardy escapes and clotheslines him over the top. He sets up a chair and follows with a dive to the floor. Abyss chases him into the crowd and they head backstage, fighting into the catering area. I’m surprised they didn’t need to fight off Dusty Rhodes out there. Abyss sets up a pair of tables and Jeff recovers and fights back, putting Abyss on the tables and climbing up a pair of steel girders, following with a swanton through the table. I appreciate the effort, but that’s like something out of a backyard wrestling group. Plus it only gets two. Abyss recovers from the deadly attack and chases Hardy back into the arena, then crotches him on the railing. He’s probably into that stuff or something. Abyss sends him back in and brings some chairs in, but the hand of irony strikes again, as Hardy dropkicks one of the chairs at Abyss while he’s setting another one up in the corner. Abyss slugs him down again and puts a chair on Hardy, then splashes him from the middle rope. Of course, that only gets two. He’s more resilient than Shawn Michaels! But loves Jesus less! Abyss tries the splash again, but Jeff fights back with the chair and wallops him a few times, getting two. He goes outside, searches around forever, and finds…another chair? Yay. And then a ladder, which has Mike Tenay SHOCKED. Considering Jeff has used a ladder in pretty much every match since 2001, I’m less shocked. He’s probably done arm-wrestling matches with Matt at home and pulled out a ladder. So the ladder gets set up and Jeff gets the legdrop off the top of it, and that gets two. Twist of Fate is reversed to the torture rack drop by Abyss, and that gets two. Abyss charges and then hits the chair he set up earlier in the match, and Hardy gets two. Nice bit of continuity there. Jeff goes up and gets crotched, allowing Abyss to regroup for his final attack, as he searches under the ring and gets a table. After taking forever to set it up, he puts Jeff on it and goes up, but not surprisingly Jeff gets up again and fights him off. They fight on the top and Abyss powerbombs him through the table as a result. Abyss tries a chokeslam on the ladder, but Hardy reverses to the Twist of Fate for the pin at 15:48. My new hero is the dork in the front row doing the Jeff Hardy pose for the camera. You’re COOL, man. Passable brawl, but I think they already said all they needed to say last month. **1/2 Hardy takes a Black Hole Slam onto thumbtacks afterwards, which is admirable but doesn’t really add anything to the match.
– Kevin Nash v. The Outlaw. I was hoping to finish living out my life without ever having to sit through Billy Gunn v. Kevin Nash, but some things just aren’t meant to be. This is taped fists and first blood. It should be “first one to do something other than punch or clothesline”, which would be much more entertaining. Nash pounds him with elbows in the corner to start, but Outlaw bails and yanks Nash’s leg out, working on the knee. He wraps Big Kev’s chicken leg around the post a couple of times, then finds a screwdriver under the ring. I need a different kind of screwdriver after this PPV. One with lots of vodka and very little orange juice. Outlaw tries to gouge Nash’s eyes out with the screwdriver, but sadly even that bit of entertainment is denied me, as Nash fights him off. Seriously, does ANYONE buy that they hate each other enough to commit felony murder in the name of winning a match? Nash comes back with a catapult that sends Outlaw to the floor, and they brawl out there. Nash sends him into the post and brings another chair into the ring, the millionth of the night give or take, and Outlaw goes low to come back. That’s more like it! Kevin Nash getting hit in the balls = RATINGS! I could watch that all night. Outlaw puts him down with a chairshot, but there’s no blood. Outlaw goes back to the toolbox and removes a turnbuckle, exposing it. Speaking of exposing things, watching these two do a silly brawl to cover their weaknesses makes me wonder how bad it would be without the stips. Nash tries snake eyes, but Outlaw escapes and bumps the ref. Nash goes low, thus adding another star to the match because either of these guys repeatedly getting slugged in the moneymaker is okay with me. Nash drops Outlaw on the turnbuckle a few times and draws blood, but Jeff Jarrett runs in and hits Nash with the belt, allowing Jeff Jarrett’s Evil Lawyer to also run in and clean off Outlaw’s forehead. That can’t be sanitary. Maybe the doctor should check on the ref instead, since he’s been out for like 2 minutes. The ref wakes up, sees Nash bleeding, and gives the match to the Outlaw at 11:20. The real miscarriage of justice was having to watch it. DUD
– X title: AJ Styles v. Ron Killings v. Chris Daniels v. Elix Skipper. The weird rules here are that it starts as a tag team match, and when someone is pinned it turns into a three-way dance, and then a one-on-one Ultimate X match. Skipper starts with Killings and gets a missile dropkick off the second rope early on, then brings in Styles. Killings in turn tries to bring in Daniels, but he doesn’t want in. Really, why would he? Killings slugs away on AJ, who comes back with elbows and a dropkick, only to get laid out by a cheapshot from Daniels. Killings gets a flying forearm and then tags in Daniels, who hits Styles with a leg lariat for two. AJ slams him and drops a knee for two. Skipper gives AJ a cheapshot and allows Daniels to get a neckbreaker for two. He takes Styles down with a flatliner into a crossface, and follows with a springboard moonsault for two. They slug it out and AJ comes back with an enzuigiri, but Daniels brings Killings back in. So AJ brings Skipper in, and it’s more black-on-black violence again. WHEN WILL IT END? Killing flips and flops around and gets a top rope legdrop for two, as Daniels saves Skipper. Not sure why he’d do that. Anyway, this triggers a series of highspots, as AJ kills Daniels dead with a tope, and Elix finishes Killings with the Sudden Death (Emerald Frozen) at 7:55, leaving it a three-way. I have no idea what the purpose of having Ron Killings in there was. Skipper kicks at the legs of Styles and they clothesline each other down. So Daniels climbs up to the cables and pulls himself up in the middle, then suddenly moonsaults off the X and hits both of the other guys! OK, that was big-time. That gets two on Styles. All three slug it out, as XXX breaks up again and Daniels turns on Skipper. He lays him out and slugs away on the mat, then gets an exploder and knocks Styles off the apron. Daniels is a really good heel here. Elix comes back and gets a belly-to-belly and a nice spinkick, which I guess counts as his face turn. AJ springs back in, and hits Skipper with a clothesline as a result. He fights off both, getting a gutbuster on Daniels and stomping him down in the corner. They head up to the top, followed by Skipper, who hangs from the cables and brings AJ down with an inverted rana. I think AJ is the only guy today who can take that bump. Daniels tries coming off onto Skipper, but Elix reverses him to a powerbomb to take over. He mule kicks Daniels in the corner, while AJ climbs the cable and they botch the timing on a shooting star press from up there. Nice thought, but it looked terrible. AJ fights off both challengers and gets the neckbreaker on Daniels for two. Skipper breaks up the Styles Clash, and AJ tries the springboard DDT, but they mess that up too. Skipper escapes anyway and gets the Sudden Death, but Daniels gets the cheap rollup pin on Skipper at 17:06 to leave it as a singles match. All the highspots and THAT was the finish? Daniels starts climbing for the belt, but AJ pulls him down. Daniels tries it again and gets pulled down again, and AJ hits him with a backbreaker for good measure. They slug it out and AJ pulls out the Pele kick, but they both climb the cables at the same time. They meet in the middle and Daniels goes down first, but recovers to yank AJ off. Back up again and AJ climbs for it, but Daniels spears him off this time and they’re both dead. Daniels recovers first and climbs for it again, but AJ kicks him down, and then gets pulled down by Daniels. We seem to have hit a plateau in the storyline of the match here. The crowd starts chanting “this is awesome”, which is exceedingly generous of them, to say the least. I might chant “This is very passable but ultimately played out action”, but I don’t know about my success in getting that over as a chant. So back up for another climbing session, and this time they both fall down and take out the ref in a super weak bump. AJ grabs the belt, but the ref is out, so Daniels hits him with the Angel’s Wings and takes the title belt for himself. The ref sees it and awards him the title at 25:19. Um, gee, didn’t we just see that exact finish in the LAST MATCH? This was WAY below their recent X standard, with a couple of mediocre 7 minute matches leading up to a subpar stunt show. ***1/2
– NWA World title: Jeff Jarrett v. DDP. I like how they had that three-way match a couple of months ago with DDP v. Brown v. Nash to determine who got a title match, and then all three guys got title matches in successive months anyway. Rewarding mediocrity is so extreme. There’s a whole bunch of guys around ringside, but it’s not a lumberjack match. Great, so they’re just doing away with the pretext of guys having to come out of the dressing room to interfere in Jarrett’s matches now and having them stationed there in a more convenient manner. Jarrett runs away to start. I’m not really sure what the motivation behind the feud is, but we’ll assume that DDP was stalking Mrs. Jarrett or something. Maybe DDP is still upset about their feud in 2000. Ironically, the other guy in that feud, David Arquette, was ringside at Wrestlemania and sitting with Hulk Hogan’s family, on a PPV that probably drew more money than all of TNA’s monthy efforts combined. I have no idea what that means, cosmically speaking. After some stalling, Jarrett attacks and tries a Stroke, but DDP counters with a cutter attempt, so Jarrett bails. They brawl outside and DDP gets the advantage, but Jarrett catches him on the way in and grabs a headlock. Page knocks him down for two and gets the discus clothesline, then follows with a Cactus clothesline to send them both to the floor. They do the cliched brawl into the crowd , as every JJJ match seems to turn into lately, and we do the silly “One guy pulls the other around by the hair and his victim is too paralyzed with pain to resist” stuff. DDP wins that epic battle and throws an office chair into the ring, which is at least a unique visual, and sits Jarrett in it. Cardinal Fang, FETCH THE COMFY CUSHIONS! Sorry, it had to be said. Page boots him out of it for two. DDP pounds away in the corner until Jarrett uses his usual counter, the low blow, to take over. He drops the chair on Page’s knee and goes to work on it. The knee, not the chair. Page gets a fluke rollup for two, but Jarrett keeps trying the figure-four. Page rolls him up again for two and Jarrett struts in response. He finally gets the figure-four, but Page fights out, so Jarrett gets the sleeper, just to make the match that much more dull. Page escapes from that and reverses to a neckbreaker. And both guys are out. They slug it out and Page makes the comeback with his usual clotheslines, and rams Jarrett into the turnbuckles a bunch of times. That gets two. Diamond Cutter is blocked, so Page gets a Rock Bottom for two. Jarrett comes back with a DDT for two. At least I think that’s what it was, because the camera was on Monty Brown at the time. Page gets a powerbomb for two. Diamond Cutter is blocked by an interfering Chris Candido, allowing Jarrett to Stroke him for two. Considering it takes 18 of them to beat anyone these days, I can’t see how anyone would even buy that as a near-fall anymore. So everyone at ringside starts brawling for whatever reason, and Jarrett gets his guitar, but BG James takes it away. He accidentally hits Konnan, as the past few months seem focused on making Konnan look like a total clod for some reason, and it’s back to Jarrett and DDP with a bumped ref. Well, of course the ref is bumped. The Outlaw runs in and hits DDP with a Dumbasser, giving Jarrett two. My patience for this booking style was exhausted two PPVs ago. Peter Brady’s bitch runs in to get rid of Outlaw and gives everyone broncobusters, leaving it one-on-one again. And now the Evil Lawyer distracts DDP, allowing Candido and his kids to interfere, and THEY all beat up DDP and then get taken out. OK, DDP is Superman crossed with He-Man, we get the point. Diamond Cutter for Jarrett, but the lawyer distracts him again and this time Monty Brown comes in and turns on DDP to give Jarrett the pin at 21:39. What kind of non-sensical dumbass turn is that supposed to be? Dusty Rhodes has lost his mind. **1/4
