I was never an intimidator as a father, but I got my point across when I
needed to…
I would tell her to be home by 10pm. Well, 10pm would come and this guy
wouldn’t have her home. He’d bring her home around 10:15, or maybe 10:30..and
then he would flop his ass down on my couch and watch the evening news! The
smile on his face showed disrespect…as if he was looking around the room and
he knew something that I didn’t.
This went on for a period of time, and I couldn’t say
anything, because words, even from me, would not have gotten rid of him. Nothing
that I could come up with, verbally, would…but I had to get the best of him. I
had to figure something out…
Well, he was a cowboy and very proud
of his pickup truck. When he came over, he’d be sitting there, watching the news
and I would announce that I was going outside for a bit of fresh air, I’d go out
front, open up his gas tank and PISS in it, about a cup’s worth.
I got great satisfaction from that,
I didn’t like the guy – he was driving me nuts and I couldn’t get rid of him.
Now, everytime he went to leave, his engine would sputter and cough before
starting up. Piss isn’t like sugar, which will totally destroy a gas tank, but
it can cause some problems. So there’s a tip for all the fathers in the world.
Got a problem with a daughter’s boyfriend? Piss in his gas tank!
– Terry Funk – More Than Just Hardcore
Thank You Terry. I’ll remember that.
Although I have about six years before that kind of nonsense starts and my
grandiose plan is to ship her off to a Nunnery. Or England. Certainly not Rhode
Island…Jesus. Good book too. The book, even on second or third readings (which
is what you always should do before proclaiming a book "great",
"good" or "the shits") comes off like Funk sitting around,
half drunk, telling stories. Compare it to Flair’s book, which on the surface is
acceptable, but on subsequent readings the words are clearly more Mark Madden’s
in tone and verbiage, than those of The Nature Boy. Foley’s First still stands
tall, with mad props given to "Death of The WCW" for being
a…hmmm…a totally useless tome, full of contradictions and hell-bent on
making sucker money off of a topic that, in hindsight makes not one bit of
difference on anything. No, really. Shitty storylines and turning off fans is a
staple of the wrestling business – just every once in awhile a blind pig finds a
big mudhole full of money and wallows until it gets tired – and too lazy to get
up and eat. The difference being is having enough hungry pig friends to do all
the work, bring you some food every now and then, covering up the mire until you
get back on your feet again.
Translation from barnyard terms –
Austin, Rock, Cactus and HHH did a great job of masking incoherent storylines
and booking nonsense to bring in enough money for Vince to ride out the
"war", while WCW couldn’t find there asshole with both hands and a
flashlight. It caught up with them. Who cares? From a bottom line money point of
view, to invest in WCW means you carry the baggage of an entire AOL Time Warner
Turner, et al conglomerate, while if you went with Vince, your only worry is a
egotistical freakout of football leagues, Diva / Chump Enough talent searches
and the piss poor idea that a live version "nostalgia trip" would ruin
the booking plans for two years. In this case, strength is in less numbers –
meaning it’s Vince’s money and he has a decent concept of
"accountability", where WCW and the Merged Companies had none.
It’s the same thing I have been saying
for about 3 years now – no matter how much you think the product is booked into
the ground, or the "wrong people are being pushed", just take a
second, lean back and recognize. I know, I’m a moron. Don’t know a damn thing
about this stuff. Know nothing about what drives the wrestling business or how
HHH and Stephanie in power have ruined everything…but, I’m not on the record
predicting that WWE would be out of business by now and you’ll never find me
badmouthing a buyrate of 200,000.
Hey there, it’s Flea. Hopefully I
haven’t bored you to tears at this point. Don’t pay any attention to the above –
just the ramblings of a fool. No big deal. Besides, I get heckled, goofed on and
disrespected in general anytime I talk about business or mention that I have
held a fairly large book of WWE stock for several years now and am very happy
with it. I guess I could say I’m also happy that I haven’t gotten one thing
business wise about the wrestling business wrong in the same several year time
period, but it’s probably more interesting if I start harping, crowing and
showing my ass re: pushes, not pushes and the underbelly of things that we
know as "fact" after reading them in various forms of poor editing and
"insider speculation". I’ll get to that in a second…
I’m in for Eric for the next two
days…in a phone conversation a couple weeks ago, I slurred something to the
effect "Hey man! No problemo…I’ll handle things while you’re out!"
Sounded good at the time…until Eric said:
Fleabag said he might do
something, but then again, he was loaded when he said it. So I don’t know
what’s going to happen.
in his column last week. Bastard! That
pretty much trapped me into it. I’ll do some current events, coverage of the
Masters, etc tomorrow. Today, is wrestling. For the record, I’m no pill junkie.
Unless you count dog tranquilizers to combat the stress of a hurricane season.
Nope, I have my vices, and viced I am. That ain’t code for Vicodin, by the way –
it’s summer time which means the Three M’s – Memosas, Margaritas and Mariju…hey!?!
Is this still a family site? I meant to say the Three C’s – Coffee, Cans of Soda
and Cocain….like I said – No pills.
Come on, Let’s go!
TOP STORY
Wrestlemania is where the WWE financial
quarter ends – new directions are all the rage and all the deadwood gets chopped
up in the grinder. Look what happened today:
Rhyno
and Matt Hardy have been released. World Wrestling Entertainment wishes them
well in their future endeavors.
– wwe.com
And oh man, have the marks…smarks…shit
themselves. I’m reading over some of the "feedback" and various
comments on the message boards and everyone thinks this is a travesty. It’s not.
Let’s take a look at each of the poor souls, their reasons for getting the boot
and the possibilities for their respective futures…
MATT HARDY
What a f*cking dope. I knew this was
coming – I’ll get to the part of how sorry we are supposed to feel for this guy
is a second, but let’s face the facts – he opened his mouth, spilled the beans
and made an ass of himself all over the web for his skank slut old lady dumping
him. Hell, I knew the ignorant hillbilly had shit in his oatmeal when he tried
(and succeeded as far as I can tell) to get the "IWC" on his side. He
should have asked me about that. The web is full of guys who feel bad for
his inability to not keep tabs on / keep his woman in his bed. His PAIN IS FELT.
Oh, get bent. If your wife / girlfriend…or for that matter Husband / Boyfriend
goes astray, there is usually a reason for it – and most likely it is YOUR OWN
DAMN FAULT. Bulletpoints for this in a second. But it looks like I was right on
this…
The early word I am getting on
Matt Hardy’s release is that the major reason he was let go is due to how he
handled the situation with Lita and Edge, which of course he went very public
with on his website.
– Scherer, today
The "word"? Goddamned if I
need sources to tell me about human nature and the world within itself that
Vince keeps. They could have made a hell of a money making angle out of this if
Hardy would have kept his mouth shut and not pandered to the smarts. Slowly but
surely – kind of like what Sullivan and Benoit did. You are supposed to FEEL the
intensity, instead of reading about it on the web. All Hardy did was put the
idea in the heads of a bunch of jackoffs to bring signs and chant at Edge and
Lita – for no discernable reason, other than to prove they read the Torch and
think they are cool enough to "be smart". But hey – that’s the M-Fer’s.
Should be D. M-Fer’s. Dumb Mother Fuckers. This made it necessary to confiscate
signs, re-dub crowd sound and created all other "additional duties"
for a staff that is busy enough trying to prevent mayhem and keep Randy Orton in
check with the rats. Mattitude worked himself out of a job, just like he failed
at his relationship.
Rules Re: Getting Cheated On…man.
1. It’s your fault. Always.
2. Even if you think you didn’t do a
damn thing wrong, you did.
Matt can cry the blues about being
supportive, etc. Without speculating on his "personal performance",
his main mistake was this – he fell in love with a whore, who has a marked
propensity for f*cking and sucking anything with two legs. Look at the Blue
Meanie – he knew he was with a Porn Star who had gangbanged her way to fame. But
when the chips were down, he made sure all trademarks and legal mumbo jumbo was
in place so HE could be the one doing the f*cking in the end. Matt’s response to
getting dumped was to garner sympathy from a gang of geeks. Now he is out of a
job. Let me pull a sample of his support –
no, I refuse. Just about every letter I
read addresses the parties involved as "Adam", "Amy" and
"Matt". Catfish. It’s "Edge", "Lita" and
"That Dope That has 90 Days to Wait Before He Works For A Dead
Company". I’ll be on the lookout for him at the Orlando area strip clubs.
The guy has money and needs…on second thought – the Crystal Meth crowd at The Parliament
House may be the way to go – works for Jeff. And for your information, I didn’t
start the Wrestling Dead Pool for
nothing. Next…
GORE GORE GONE!
Hiyooo! Rhyno has been shown the door,
much to the chagrin of those who can’t understand why people like Heidenreich,
Masters, et al. are still on the payroll. Here is a hint – they don’t use the
platform of Wrestlemania weekend to wave their respective cocks in Vince’s face.
What the hell did that flower pot do to him? Damn sure didn’t sell. Rhyno was a
victim of the Heyman Kool-Aid; meaning, he was given a monster push when no one
else was available in the dying days of ECW and was convinced that it meant a
goddamned thing once the war was over. No one in their right minds would buy the
guy as a serious contender in the world of WWE – he is more of a midget than
Benoit or Jericho, despite the fact that he is built like a brick
shithouse.
Evidently, he didn’t like the way his
career was going…combine that with the reported marital turmoil in his life –
I guess that will make you go apeshit. But goddamn. Freak out in Wichita,
population Who Gives a Rat’s Ass, not Los Angeles. On WM weekend. Some people go
out of their way to self destruct (like Stone Cold), but most people do not have
the clout, or have earned a position to be "helped" (like Regal or
Eddie). Meltzer quotes Rhyno as saying "Fire me! I don’t care! I have
nothing left". Well, now you don’t. Just another unemployed sucker on a 90
day clause to have the opportunity to do the j.o.b to the Double J. Another one
for the Wrestling
Dead Pool. People laughed at me
when I wrote Crash Holly’s obit, pre-mortem. Human Nature is easy to comprehend
when you take off the blinders.
Speaking of blinders…it’s 9pm and
RAWr is on! How about a live-time recap! I guess I’ll do this until I get
bored…I’m no re-capper…or janitor, for that matter – but I bet I don’t f*ck
up the line from Taxi Driver
"You looking at ME?"
– Wade Keller. Not only in his RAWr
recap, but in the printed version of The Torch
I think the line is "You talkin’
to ME?". But what do I know. I do know that HHH said "Beat him like a
bag full of puppies". Not a bag full of "Muppets". Keller must be
deaf. Or dumb. Maybe he should be drunk.
RAWr IS WAR (or – what’s with that
accent, hyuck?)
– We start off with a chick tag
match. Trish / Molly vs. Christy / Victoria. Trish snapped her fingers three
times on the way to the ring – that means a BIG SHOUT OUT to Al Isaacs!
– Decent Match, Trish sells a
Christy slap like Steamboat and Molly does the job. Kane spoils the fun
defending…wait. Why is he here? Some issue with Trish it looks like. Good –
she needs a program for the next PPV. Rolling around with a Bald Headed Freak
sounds like more fun that a Bag Full of Muppets! Or a night at the the8ter!!!
– commercial break
– We are live in Moline,
Illinois! The town was named after a crazed drunk Indian who came through town
and chopped off half of everyone’s right leg!!!
– Randy Orton’s Surgery. Good
thing he is Alabama for rehab. Those sistas will break him of the habit of
shitting on things. Of course, the rumor they steal everything AND your bowel
movements is speculation at best
– Kane stomps his way through a
half naked locker room of Divas. He is looking for Trish. This is getting too
weird, for reasons that are better left unsaid. Let’s just say I’m glad his real
name is "Glen".
– Coach presents Hassan, who cuts a
promo for his match vs. HBK later in the night. Of course, he ends the promo
with "He who laughs last…laughs…:…ummm…"He who last laughs,
laughs last laugh…"
– I’ve never been able to get
that one right. Bag full of MUPPETS!
– commercials
_ Motorhead is playing…which only
means one thing. Lemmy can’t remember the words, but he ALWAYS remembers to
scream ‘WE ARE MOTORHEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"…like it’s a Biker Bar full
of Deaf Midgets. No wonder Lemmy is a Nazi.
– sing in the crowd says
"Game Over!". Jeez, just bring out "All Your Base Are Belongs To
US!". Just as clever. And 90’s.
– H says "Batista is on
"Borrowed Time". Meltzer says Batista is Half Greek and Half Filipino.
Guess that means he has a "shrine to young boys f*cking" on his
mantle. Right next to the crowbar. (that’s what separates Greek Men from Greek
Boys – a crowbar)
– HHH babbles on. Hurricane comes out
and tells some jokes. His "hurriconsious" is bothering him. But not
enough to prevent him from bring out Rosey with him. They hurristomp HHH…there
is a hurri double team…oops – H has the mic.
– H is up for it after thinking
about things. He calls for a ref (Hebner) and here we go!
– more hurri double team. and
it’s a hurri
– commercial….
– Rosey has a job and Rhyno
doesn’t!
– Hurricane may or may not have
laid the hurri-bone to Lita. Rumor has it that he thought about it, took one
whiff and said "whokilledacat?!?!"
– that’s…aw hell. that was
pretty funny. Even for Hyatte Rip Off standards. Come on, you f*cks! SELL MY
JOKE!
– break!
– okay – back live. Oddly enough
HHH has taken control. In case you don’t know, this is one of those times where
H validates his alleged behavior of holding people down by selling like a madman
to a couple of jobbers.
– And selling his ass of, he is.
Show off. The prick will probably blade for good measure.
– Someone in the crowd holds up a
sign that says "JOSH". If that ain’t asking for legal trouble, I don’t
know what is.
– Pedigree ends it. Rosie is hung
in the ropes like "a side of beef" says Lawler. Same thing I was
thinking, oddly enough.
– H with the mic – per H, he is
going to "pedigree" Batista by the end of the night. In a moment of
perfect clarity the
-commercial
– is playing a Queen song to
promo a local station in town! If I only had a bird to lick peanut butter off of
my cock, I could get really get the Hyatte vibe!
– Promo clips from the recent
Australia Tour. No truth that Rhyno and Mattitude had visions of feeding Edge
and Lita to Kangaroos. See! I got the Hyatte vibe and my jokes suck! HAWR!
– back to RAWr and it looks like
the post WM plans include a renewed push for the "Masterpiece"! In
1862, this was a perfectly legitimate sentence: "Master! Peace!"
– crowd chants BORING. Kevin Dunn
is going nuts with the sound trying to hide this. Seth Skyfire is the Jobber Du
Jor. Ha ha ha! Was Jim Jett busy?
– Crowd shits all over this as JR
and King go crazy for this guy. Oh shit…Masters has the mic.
– He is putting $1000!!! of HIS
OWN MONEY on the line for anyone who can break out of his "MasterLock"
(full nelson).
– $1000! Jeez, I heard times were
tough…that’s all he can offer for a challenge? I feel guilty about taking
those last three dividends
– $1000!
– commer…
– Uh oh – according to this ad,
we have another $250,000 RAWr Diva Search.
– cials
– Okay…some chick gets a
quarter million, and Masters puts up $1000. Come to think of it, Florida
Championship Wrestling had this problem years ago. The bounty on the Midnight
Rider was $5,000…but Sullivan said if he could prove it was Dusty, souls would
be doomed to Eternal Damnation! I’m thinking Masters should put a snake in his
mouth and kick Buddy Colt’s ass.
– Hassan and HBK are all set to
go. But here is a quick stip. Some loudmouth Towelhead…oops, that is Davari
– Lawler says Piggly Wiggly and
Ross says Scalded Dog. $1000?!?!?! I swear I’m almost sober now
– Not to be outdone, HBK has his
own handicap match tonight. Davari ain’t all that bad. I take that back – he
punches like a girl.
– HBK takes matters into his own
hands and starts…what the hell is happening here? HBK JOBS TO DAVARI! Good
thing I didn’t type what I was going to (something to the effect of HBK jobbing
= FLEA eating his cigarette)
– Lawler: "I would have bet
my house" JR: "Hell has frozen over!" FLEA: "Kurt Angle is
f*cked now!"
– HBK walks to the back with
Hebner – "Do you think this ruined my legacy?" Hebner: "Shawn, I
swear on MY KIDS it didn’t!"
– com…
Queen Song promo again. Did I mention
that Trish holding up three fingers and hopping on one leg means a BIG SHOUT OUT
to Rich In KC?
– mercials
– HBK is pissed. He asks Bischoff
for a handicap match. Nothing doing says Bisch – "No partner, no
match". Too bad Hardy got fired…That Arab probably treated Lita like a
lame camel. Would have been some aggression there, I bet
– Y2J is out with his Highlight
Reel and his guest his that Ni…ce Guy Sheldon Benjamin! Crowd has no clue how
to react.
– SB gets all ghetto wiff him.
Ain’t no redemption, yo. Crowd thinks he ain’t all that great. Where the hell
are we tonight?
Oh yeah – Moline, Illinois. This is a
great back and forth promo and the crowd doesn’t give two shits. They FINALLY
respond to Y2J saying "ass"
– SB: " This fist can create
more hits than the last Fozzy album". Crowd knows from Jim Crow about as
well as from Old Crow
– Y2J: "bitch"
– Crowd : "YAAAAAAYYYYYYYY"
– then they brawrl.
– commercials
– Hey! How about some Carnac?
– From blawr this and that blawr
comes a tried and true joke that NO ONE! NO ONE! SELLS!
– the envelope please…
– THE ENVELOPE PLEASE…hawr hawr hawr
– that’s not the joke…
– (trust me…nah. But two people
would be laughing at that for hours – for no good reason at all)
– gimme the envelope
– TNA!!….ROH!
– tna! roh!
– *rip*…*POOF*
– What does a Japanese Fonzie say
about TNA?
– may your…hah aha haha. I’ve
been trying to work that one in for YEARS!
– Kane stalks Trish.
Oops…that’s Lita. Appears she is the mastermind. HEEL TURN…and a big ole wet
kiss that has forced some hillbilly to get stupid drunk on low grade moonshine.
– HBK is back and he is still
pissed. He has to pick a tag team partner…yep. HBK is all patriotic. Father is
a Nam vet, Brother is a Gulf Vet…Nephew is in IRAQ. Meanwhile, HBK lost his
smile and found Jesus.
– HBK speaks to the
camera…begging for a Tag Partner…hope it ain’t Jannetty…
– oh shit…it’s going to be
Hogan
– crowd "Hogan!"
– HBK: " I want that Tag
Team Partner to be HULK HOGAN!"
– well, f*ck me dead and hide my
whiskey. This is at a PPV. "ONE MORE MATCH!" "ONE MORE
MATCH"
– JR: "I KNOW people at home are
chanting the same thing!"
– FLEA: "hey you assholes. I’m
officially Chinese for the next PPV" – ME NO PEI
– Here comes Benoit. Word has it
he has the respect of the locker room. Gave Edge tips about stealing women, he
did.
– His opponent for this evening
is Christian. No doubt as offended…wait…here comes Edge! I hope his
briefcase includes a dildo and an accent
– Edge is bitching about
something. "Mr. Money in The Bank!" – "Mr. Dick In Her
Mouth!" dammit…shoot on that chump Hardy. Any alleged "inside
comments" would work at this point
– "undermined" is
said a bunch. "aboot" ruins the mood.
– nothing is happening here…how
about a
– commercial
– another story from Scherer: A
few readers sent word that Eric Bischoff’s wife is part of a "Real Life
Desperate Housewives" pictorial in this month’s Playboy magazine. In
talking with a few people that know, they told me that it’s definitely her.
EB is a lucky man
– see! That’s how you take care
of your woman. A few years ago they were swinging, dead drunk at the Gold Club
in Atlanta. Now she is a "Desperate Housewife", showing her tits for
all to see. And Bisch can say: "Yeah, I’m f*cking that". Now that half
the WCW locker room is not around, he has no one around him to say "Who
Ain’t?". And she is happy. I bet she would laugh at Flair’s cock. And to
think – at this very moment Scott Hall is picking up a copy of that mag,
slurring at the poor kid working at 7-11 that "The brown paper bag is for
the BOOZE!".
– "Desperate Housewife"
– Why ain’t the Bitch working?
– Edge is talking all over this
match, being a heel. He hates the fans, they….blah whatever. He’s a better
announcer than Cole. "Pugnacious Wolverine". "aboot"…well,
we can over look that.
– Benoit is doing the job to
commentary
– "Desperate Housewife"
– if you have enough money to pay her to stay at home, you need to check your
priorities
– I’m sure this is a **** match.
The crowd comes alive for Benoit’s Sharpshooter. And the Suplexes.
– "Desperate Housewife" – if
she starts talking "Living Will" when you break your foot, sleep with
one eye open.
– JR: Will this match end by
countout?
– FLEA: WILL THIS MATCH END?!?!?!
– Run In by Edge and Christian
gets the win. Blame the Pope.
– commercials
– You know…first off. Let me
tell you something. Once upon a time, Hyatte did a "drunk Mop-Up".
Typed about 20 some beers during…it took me 4 martini’s to get through the
Rhyno stuff…I switched to beer for RAWr. The only reason I’m telling you this
is that I just realized I killed a 12 pack and am …yep. There comes a time
to…
– listen to JR. Here comes
Batista!
– Moline likes this guy. Big Gold
Belt around his waist and looks to me like he has a boner. One boner and a pose
means a SHOUT OUT TO FLEA!
– "Unleash the Beast"
says a sign. "JR is my Dad" says another. ha ha haha…JR unleashed
the beast in Moline and oh man that’s a sick thought.
– "Top of the Food
Chain", says Batista, in a scripted promo, but a good promo, nonetheless.
He f*ck up the word "reflection" (Fleaerection). Keller will notice
this, I’m sure.
– Here comes H. From the crowd.
Pedigree into a…well, he got back-dropped over the top rope.
– H drops the word
"bitch"….like it’s hot. Next week! H vs. Batista!…strike that –
One on One! The Game vs. JR!
– JR gets the chant of the night.
Batista comforts him…I would puke, but I’m a professional
PAGE SIX
Tomorrow, it’s all current events. The
Pope, Golf, Michael Jackson, and Tom Delay. The weird thing about filling in for
Eric is that we agree on just about everything, but can’t seem to agree on it
the same way. I think if he would trade in the pills for three or four bottles
of 100 proof bourbon, he would see the light….but then again, if I could write
as coherently as he does, I might do this full time.
Holding your breath would be a better
way to pass the time
thanks for reading
FLEA – 1ryderfakin.com
