Desperate Housewives – Recap – Episode 18

Well, it’s Wednesday morning, so it must be time for another Desperate Housewives recap! Late once again, as it’s really hard to be punctual for a show that you just don’t care that much about. The housewives are overhyped like crazy, and there are very few storylines left that are catching my interest anymore.

Nothing in the mailbag, so it’s straight to the recap.

Previously, on Desperate Housewives:

Sometimes if you’re not careful, past mistakes will come back to haunt you.

Mama Solis is dead, and the hospital is pretty much 95% to blame for it, so they’re trying to buy Gabrielle off. Paul Young is chucking a chest into Rockwater Lake, but it resurfaces as the creator of the chest gets a customer list together of the people who have purchased one just like it. Zach, meanwhile, promises to keep his father’s secret just that.

There were many things Gabrielle Solis knew for certain. She knew red was her color. She knew diamonds went with everything. And she knew men were all the same. But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else…she would never want children. Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her husband Carlos felt differently.

Gabrielle, striking with a red dress and diamonds gets the attention of a man next door playing catch with his son, so distracted by Gabby that he forgets to play catch and Gabrielle has to get the ball for him and get his head back in the game. Gabrielle then looks worried as he sees Carlos fawning over the neighbors, wanting to be a father-son duo just like they are.

Carlos is reading as Gabrielle touts being lucky to have Carlos, as many men would have left over such a thing as their wives not wanting to have children. It’s a big sacrifice, but Carlos is making it. Carlos still holds out hope that Gabrielle will change her mind, but she just refuses to budge. Daddy Solis admits that Gabrielle is worth the sacrifice and they make love, but what Gabrielle doesn’t know is that Carlos wants to badly to be a father that he’s been tampering with Gabby’s birth control for months and what she also doesn’t know is that she’ll be pregnant within the week.

You’re watching Desperate Housewives, with closed captioning sponsored by Ford, as George tampering with Rex’s medication and Carlos doing the same with Gabrielle’s is rather strange.

Saturdays on Wisteria Lane belonged to the children, and while most would spend the day practicing their sports and riding their bikes and jumping their ropes, others were no longer engaged in child’s play. Indeed, some children were being forced to grow up very quickly.”

That child is Zach Young, raking the leaves slowly so he can listen in to a couple of investigators doing a little investigating work on his father, Paul. The questions are regarding the toy chest, and Paul tries to cover his tracks by not recalling any toy chest, even though the craftsman’s list of customers have him purchasing one twelve years ago. But Zach covers for Paul, saying that when he was a little kid, he stood on it and it busted, so they had to throw it out. Paul goes with the flow and convinces the investigators to scram, but Zach asks what the deal is with the chest, and it turns out that there was a chopped up woman inside of it. This is news to Zach, who turns to face Paul. “Obviously, we need to talk.” Both of them walk into the house…right past Felicia.

Zach is not so much talking as he is yelling at his father, having been lied to about the contents of the box. It wasn’t a man in the box, it was a woman in the box. Paul continues to defend himself, claiming that someone tried to come and take Zach away from the Young family, but they wouldn’t take that so they murdered that person, chopped her (not him) up and stuffed him in the chest. And that’s the truth. The Paul Young Truth.

Bree doesn’t want to go to Camp Hennessy for counseling, as she did not know she was expected to attend and has no intention of doing so. Rex wonders what Andrew will think of that, and Bree has that covered with a care package. Rex points out that lemon squares would probably “undercut the boot camp experience”, so Bree should leave the baked goods out of the package. Bree doesn’t want to get verbally attacked by Andrew for abandoning him, but Rex doesn’t think Bree should feel guilty over that. Rex doesn’t believe that, but just walks off. With his back turned, Bree sneaks in the lemon squares and tapes the care package shut.

Lynette needs a babysitter, but Christie the 13-year-old doesn’t really want to get involved with that, as she has to go on a trip to the mall. Lynette really needs to go out to get some drinks with a few old friends from the office, so she is willing to go into her wallet to make it worth Christie’s while as she tries to keep her kids under control. Christie wants a hundred dollars, and a negative response from Lynette results in losing Christie, as Lynette is forced to call up the “babysitter who steals things” in Patty Binks.

Gabrielle is home but so are Carlos and Mr. Steinberg, the attorney from the hospital. Gabby tries to act all confused, but she and her lawyer have talked prior to this. Carlos then reveals that he knows about the seven-figure settlement check, even though Gabrielle should’ve been the one to inform him about it first. Mr. Steinberg takes his leave here, and as soon as the door shuts Carlos blows up on Gabrielle, shocked that Gabby wouldn’t tell him about the check since he could’ve used it to pay his lawyers to fight the indictment and ensure that he wouldn’t have to take the plea bargain. But now he’s in jail for eight months because of Gabby, even if he probably deserves the time. Gabrielle knows that Carlos will see she made the right decision in the end, takes her shopping bags and walks upstairs.

Susan is painting a tiger as Julie notices Susan’s mother’s arrival, which consists of her getting into a car crash with Mike. Susan’s mother is excited to see Mike since she’s heard so much about him, but apparently Susan’s mother hasn’t heard that Mike and Susan are no longer together. Susan’s mother backs away from the awkward moment as the depth-perception-less mother is invited into Susan’s house to call the insurance company about her and Mike’s car. But Susan’s mother sticks around for a little bit more flirting before Susan can finally yank her away from Mike. Mike is all smiles, however, as he now realizes how Susan go to be the way she did. This flusters Susan into a love-hate thing with Mike that has remained constant and blah blah blah.

And now, a word from our sponsors… Not even the potential of Susan’s mother making an ass out of herself to make an ass out of Susan by being flirty with Mike is enough to get me interested in the prospect of Susan and Mike as an item. Boring. Carlos/Gabrielle is interesting, don’t care about Lynette and probably won’t for the duration of the episode, Rex/Bree has potential, but the moneymaker is Paul/Zach.

Bree is checking the mail, as Lynette runs over with the little Scavos in tow as Bree tries to get away but she’s just too darn nice as Lynette explains that her babysitter cancelled and that she needs this opportunity to drink margaritas. She got dressed up and wore pantyhose and everything. Bree finally gives in and it looks like the Scavo hellraisers are living with Bree for the day.

Susan’s mother is cooking with Susan as they gossip about the latest things with Mike, including his past criminal history and such. Susan’s mother keeps Susan’s hopes up about finding the right man, and Susan says she would’ve given up if it wasn’t for her mother and Morty being together for the third time around. But she left Morty, because he shoved her and also threw a book at her, two things that Susan has a very hard time believing from Morty. Susan’s mother just wants her daughter to be supportive, so Susan has to force herself to do that even when it seems outrageous the things she says about Morty. Boring.

The Scavo kids are drawing frantically, way outside of the lines, as Bree tries to keep everyone in line. Porter keeps fidgeting with the cookies, and Bree manages to stave him off those cookies for the time being. The other kids refuse to color inside the lines, doing their own thing. Bree warns them about not misbehaving, despite Lynette never following through with spankings for misbehavior. Bree promises that she will spank, and she takes her eyes off Porter for one second too long as Porter goes after the cookies and knocks them all on the floor. Bree sees this: “Those cookies were made from scracth. Your fate is sealed!” and Bree whisks Porter over her knee and gives a good ol’ country-whippin’, much to the horror of the other two Scavo boys.

Carlos lays down a post-nup agreement in front of Gabrielle, as Gabrielle signing it would cancel the pre-nup and thus Gabrielle gets nothing if Gabby decides to divorce Carlos while he’s in jail. Gabrielle won’t sign it, however, and Carlos says that if that’s the case, he’ll refuse the settlement agreement, divorce Gabby and she gets 50% of their current savings, which is nothing. But Gabby has a trump card, and that is that she didn’t burn the papers when she was told to. Those papers actually proved that Carlos had a bank account in the Cayman Islands. Carlos says that was a safety net for the both of them, but Gabrielle realizes that’s why the prosecution didn’t have a case: Carlos’ profits weren’t documented anywhere readily visible. Gabrielle doesn’t want to hear the words divorce, trust or post-nup again, since Carlos won’t be wanting to piss Gabrielle off anytime soon. Carlos is pissed off himself though as Gabrielle walks away, chucking a vase at a corner of the house, angry as hell as Gabrielle consoles Carlos from a distance, knowing that it hurts to lose. Holy crap. WHAT A BITCH. And I say this knowing what happens at the end of the episode.

And now, a word from our sponsors… Gabrielle/Carlos has my interest now, as an angry Carlos is a very, very good thing. Don’t care about much else, though. Especially Susan/Mike/Susan’s mother/Morty/Whatever.

The game is poker as the Housewives gather around the table, with Susan’s mother joining the game. Gabrielle and the two Mayers talk about an all-day trip to the spa that the Mayers are planning (which sets up the opportunity for Susan or her mother to make an ass out of herself/themselves), while Lynette and Bree talk about Bree babysitting the Scavo kids. Bree reveals that she spanked Porter for being bad, and Lynette is rather shocked since Tom and her don’t believe in hitting their kids. Bree did not know this but she is rather surprised that they don’t since the kids are a little wild. Lynette then takes a dig at Bree by saying that she’s no good mother either, given what’s happened to Andrew. Bree takes offense to that and Susan and Gabrielle try to separate them, including Gabrielle saying that no one’s blaming Bree, but Lynette certainly is. Bree walks out of the game and Susan wants Lynette to apologize to Bree for her comments, but Lynette will be doing no such thing. Excellent stuff from Felicity Huffman, proving she is more or less the best actress on this show with the worst storylines.

Lynette wants Tom to back her up on this thing with Bree, and Tom will back her up, kinda. But he sees Bree’s point of view. Ah, Tom, always the man in the middle who eventually ends up supporting Lynette because she’s crazy and she’s his wife. Tom knows that just threatening to spank them isn’t going to work anymore because the boys have catched on to the fact that it is an empty threat. Lynette just doesn’t want to become her mother, who beat the hell out of her and her sisters. Tom can identify with that, but when the boys grow up and realize that they outnumber their two parents, they’re screwed.

Zach Young is playing his guitar, and there is Felicia Tillman, asking Zach to help bring in the groceries. Inside Mrs. Huber’s home, Felicia confronts Zach about the argument he had with his father, and Zach dismisses it as just another argument. Felicia talks about Zach’s mother, which is news to Zach as Zach did not know Felicia worked with Mary Alice years ago in Utah, before she was Mary Alice. In fact, Felicia met Zach as a little baby boy. She remembers that Zach’s mother loved him very much…but she also remembers how Zach’s original name was so much better.

It hits Zach like so many professional football linebackers. “Dana.” Jesus.

And now, a word from our sponsors… Well, that just kinda hammers home my point about Paul/Zach/Felicia being the only interesting thing going down, huh? That being said, Lynette/Bree is looking really good, even though they’ll probably resolve their hatred by the end of the episode (and just when I was hoping for a good ol’ Housewife feud).

Susan and Sophie are at the spa, as Sophie thanks her daughter for showing her a good time. Susan changes the subject over to Morty, as Sophie doesn’t see why she’d want to go back to a man who abuses her. Susan’s manicurist gasps, but Susan tells her that Sophie likes to exaggerate about those things. The thing is that if Sophie doesn’t go back to Morty, she’ll be without a place to live, no job, and no source of money since Morty won’t be forced to pay alimony. But Sophie has already thought of a solution: She’d like to live with Susan. This causes Susan to give a knee-jerk reaction to KICK THE MANICURIST IN THE FACE, giving the poor Asian lady a nosebleed in one of the more ridiculous moments of Susan making an ass out of herself. The lady continues to complain about her nose, thinking that it might be broken as Susan doesn’t seem that enthusiastic about Sophie moving in, even if it’s only for a couple of years. Sophie takes this as meaning that Susan doesn’t want her around and she scampers off, with Susan giving chase as the Asian lady certainly wants nothing more to do with Susan.

Gabrielle is jogging, and so is John, the Infidelitator. John tries to get close to Gabby but Gabby calls off the advance, as John is frustrated by being turned down again.

Bree is not dressed yet, as she was going to wear Andrew’s favorite color but alas, she doesn’t know what that color would be. Rex doesn’t think that’s important: It’s the fact that Bree showed up at all that counts. Bree thinks that knowing a child inside and out is what makes a good mother, so that if the child should find themselves in trouble, the mother will know what to do. Bree doesn’t know Andrew well enough, and that is her downfall. Rex makes it clear to Bree that she IS as good mother, and then goes out to wait in the car until Bree is good and ready to face Andrew. Bree goes with green.

Gabrielle is reading a magazine, as Carlos drops a post-nup in between the pages. Gabrielle refuses to sign it once again, and Carlos says that if he doesn’t, he will divorce her. Gabby threatens to go to the police again, but Carlos doesn’t think that’ll do much good since the secret bank account in the Cayman Islands no longer exists. Carlos moved the money, a very risky move since the federales were watching ol’ Carlos. Carlos couldn’t be made a fool out of, however, as he advances closer and closer to Gabrielle. Gabby panics and tries to escape, but Carlos catches her, lifting her up like she’s nothing as he puts her down in the chair in front of the post-nup, forcing a pen into her hand and asking her to sign it and then DEMANDING that she sign it, as it’s official that INTENSE CARLOS > weak carlos. Gabrielle is in tears as she finally signs it, sobbing. “I know, baby. It hurts to lose.” YEAH! GO CARLOS! Totally siding with Carlos on this one, even if it seems a little wrong since Carlos kinda forced her hand. Literally. No quirky music in this scene either, which I do believe is a first for Desperate Housewives.

And now, a word from our sponsors… Gabrielle/Carlos and Paul/Zach/Felicia are running neck and neck now, as Bree/Lynette is falling behind and Susan is running a distant fourth with her mother and the poor god damn manicurist.

Welcome to Camp Hennessy, as the camp counselor arrives, but the counseling session will only involve Andrew and his father, and will have nothing to do with Bree. Andrew just refuses to communicate with his mother at all, giving her the ol’ stinkeye when she waves “hi.”

A toothbrush is in the toilet and the Scavo kids are loving it, as one of the boys will have to go without brushing their teeth tonight, as the others must brush their teeth. But Preston is trying to revolt, threatening to toss his toothbrush in as well. Lynette uses her words to verbally warn Preston not to do it despite his brothers’ attempts to convince him otherwise.

Hearing the hollowness of her own words, Lynette realized it was time to get one step ahead.

So Lynette warns that she will take them over to Mrs. Van De Kamps, and we know what happens when she gets angry. That shuts Preston and the rest of them up, as the toothbrush revolt is sparkled. Lynette finally has her kids in line…for now.

Bree is disgusted at the other women who are waiting for their counseling session, and decides to take matters into her own hands, ready to barge in on the counseling session. She does and goes on a rant about not feeling guilty anymore for Andrew since she did the best she could and announcing that she is a good mother and she wants that to be on the record, having been surrounded by bad mothers earlier. But Andrew has a little announcement of his own…he think he might be gay. This is news to Rex and Bree, and is the reason Andrew wanted Rex in first, since he thought Rex would take it better. Bree says that he was right, as Bree excuses herself to the car.

Gabrielle arrives at John’s Apartment and immediately leaps on John, as John notices the bruise on Gabrielle’s arm. Gabrielle says that Carlos just got a little rough, and John wants to go fix the problem of Carlos, but Gabrielle wants John to kiss her if he wants to get back at Carlos, because one day she’ll tell him that he drove Gabby into the arms of John, and that’ll kill him.

And now, a word from our sponsors… Home stretch time, as Carlos/Gabrielle slowed down quite a bit, as did Bree/Rex and Bree/Lynette, but Zach/Paul/Felicia is still running at full swing.

Susan is at a diner, as she brought Sophie to come see Morty. Who is Bob Newhart. Morty needs to apologize to Sophie before she will come to speak to him in the diner, however, as Morty explains that he only threw a paperback book at her, and he missed, but Sophie hit everything on her. So Morty shoved her away. Oh, and the waitresses? Not younger and younger and more beautiful. Susan just wants Morty to apologize, though, but Morty doesn’t want Sophie back. Morty doesn’t have time for her, but Susan wants Sophie gone so she doesn’t move in with her. Susan begs Morty to give her another chance, as there is chemistry besides the violence. Susan gets Morty to just go out there and talk to her, as Morty vacates the Pancake Shack…and Susan turns away from the scene, which quickly turns ugly as Sophie starts hitting Morty with her purse and BITING HIM. Susan is told to go intervene by one of the waitresses, and rushes off to do so.

Lynette is playing with her kids, and looks over at Bree across the street, but Bree is ignoring her and then just plain dismisses Lynette. So Lynette sucks it up and goes over to apologize. Bree doesn’t want her to, however, as Bree should apologize first. Bree and Lynette go together for coffee since Tom seems to have things under control.

Children come into the world with their own agendas…Some to brighten our days…

As Tom laughs while having fun with Baby Scavo…

Some to test our patience…

As Preston and the Gang make Lynette’s life a living hell, but Bree is there for her…

Some to give us purpose…

As Felicia watches Zach thumb through an old photo album, with Zach looking rather depressed…

Some to take care of us…

As Susan tucks Sophie in for her nap…

Yes, when they come, children change everything…

As Bree cries over a picture over Andrew…

Especially when they’re not invited.

As Gabrielle the Godless Whore invites John’s sperm into her uterus.

End show!

Zach’s stuff is the most interesting–or should I say Dana? But you never know what’s going on with the Young storyline since the lies run rampant. Lynette pulled an awesome acting performance this time around, as none of the storylines were exactly weak and Carlos was on his A+++ game. I hope he never goes to jail. Actually, I hope he does. He’ll be even more badass when he gets back.