Hi all. Welcome to another of What a Tease! This is a week of hell for me, so the column will be incredibly short. Only the absolute necessities will be looked at this week (No foreign trailers or trailers that have been on tv forever and Yahoo finally decided to put up). I thought it better to present something than just not showing up at all, especially considering it’s looking less and less likely that I’ll pump out a Guide this Friday. But anyway, what time is it?
Crowd: **Cough**
Yeah yeah, trailers, blah blah. Let’s get a move on eh?
Told ya it was a rush job….
New Trailers Online this Week
Basically, you’ll get a direct link to the trailer, the ‘Plot According to Yahoo’, the length of the trailer and the *estimated* release date. You’ll ALSO get the following: The Spoilerish ranking – what this basically gauges is how much of the movie the trailer gives away, on a 1-10 scale; My Analysis of the trailer, sometimes being pretty straight and narrow, sometimes being witty and sarcastic, sometimes both; finally, you’ll get an Overall Rating, which is ‘calculated’ based on the length of the trailer, it’s ‘spoilerish-ness’ and, well, how I feel about it. It IS my column, after all, but I promise the ratings will be fair and make sense.
New Trailers This Week:
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Internet Trailer
The plot according to Yahoo: Earthman Arthur Dent is having a very bad day. His house is about to be bulldozed, he discovers that his best friend is an alien and to top things off, Planet Earth is about to be demolished to make way for a hyperspace bypass. Arthur’s only chance for survival: hitch a ride on a passing spacecraft. For the novice space traveler, the most astonishing adventure in the universe begins when the world ends. Arthur sets out on a journey in which he finds that nothing is as it seems: he learns that a towel is just the most useful thing in the universe, finds the meaning of life, and discovers that everything he needs to know can be found in one book: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
Length: 2:26
Spoilerish: 5.5
Release Date: April 29th, 2005
Analysis: Now, this is the trailer that should have been the official Guide one since the beginning. It’s pretty damn funny and definitely captures the essence of the Guide that is Hitchhiker. It’s also very creative, which should capture the attention of those not familiar with the books or film. Good stuff.
Overall Rating: 7
The plot according to Yahoo: Kidman stars as African-born U.N. interpreter Silvia Broome, who inadvertently overhears a death threat against an African head of state scheduled to address the United Nation’s General Assembly. Realizing she’s become a target of the assassins as well, Silvia’s desperate to thwart the plot…if only she can survive long enough to get someone to believe her. Sean Penn is Tobin Keller, the federal agent charged with protecting the interpreter, who nonetheless suspects she may not be telling the whole truth. Silvia and Tobin, by nature, see life from different points of view: one, a U.N. interpreter, believes in the power and sanctity of words; the other, a Secret Service agent, believes in reading people based on their behavior, no matter what is said.
Length: 2:30
Spoilerish: 6.5
Release: April 22nd, 2005
Analysis: Well, the plot is good. Sort of. The actors are award winners, so that’s good. And yet, this trailer just…it’s boring. It seems run of the mill, despite trying hard to be mysterious and intense. Kidman and Penn, who usually deliver amazing performances, just put me to sleep here. It’s weird. I can’t totally explain it, and maybe the film will be different as a final product, but the trailer is pretty disappointing overall. Or maybe I’m just going nuts.
Overall Rating: 3.5
The plot according to Yahoo: Peaceful, rustic Berkeley is a charming fishing community where life is sweet and the people friendly. All that is about to change. After losing her childhood farm to the bank, local beauty Rene decides to leave town and head for the big city. Suddenly, an avalanche of meteorites races through the sky, bombarding the town and bringing an otherworldly infection. Departing is going to be much more difficult than she had planned. The living dead awake, trapping Rene in a nightmare of zombies hungry for human flesh. She manages to find salvation in a small isolated farmhouse owned by the town loony, Marion. There she meets four other desperate survivors. Together, they battle their way through a plague of walking dead and discover that there is more transpiring than just an infection.
Length: 1:34
Spoilerish: 4.5
Release: July 1st, 2005 (Limited)
Analysis: Wow oh wow. A trailer that definitely makes me glad I did this tiny column this week. I love me some Zombie Film Fun, and this looks creepy as hell. It’s short, it’s intense, it’s fairly non-spoilerish, it’s overall awesome. I’m a zombie mark, and this trailer made me mark out. I’m interested in finding out more about the film, which I hadn’t even heard about, and for that the trailer is deemed a success. Here’s hoping the film is good and then gets a wider release.
Overall Rating: 7.0
Trailers for Films Opening This Very Weekend! (Weekend of April 15th, 2005)
The plot according to Yahoo: Yao Ming – He stands 7 feet 6 inches tall and is just 22 years old. To the Chinese nation of one billion, he is a heroic son and symbol of its increasing presence on the world stage. To the National Basketball Association, he is a poster child for the globalization of the sport and potentially its first iconic superstar from outside North America and Europe. To his teammates on the Houston Rockets, he is the key to a successful championship season. To basketball fans, comedians and even commentators in his field, he is an anomaly: the tallest player in the NBA and Chinese. To his supportive parents, both of whom preceded him as members of the Chinese National Basketball team, he is simply “son.” To a young American interpreter with a passion for Chinese language and culture, he is initially a client for interpretation services…and eventually, over the course of a year, a close and valued friend.
Length: 2:23
Spoilerish: 5
Analysis: It’s a documentary. About Yao. And about basketball. And about his relationship with his interpreter. I think. Either way, you’re either into it, or you’re not. Nothing else to say.
Overall Rating: 6.0
The plot according to Yahoo: On November 14, 1974, police received a frantic phone call that led them to a nightmarish crime scene at the Defeo residence in Amityville, Long Island – an entire family had been slaughtered in their beds. In the days that followed, Ronald Defeo confessed to methodically shooting his parents and four siblings while they slept, claiming “voices” in the house drove him to commit the grisly murders. One year later, George and Kathy Lutz and their three children moved into the house thinking it would be their dream home. But shortly after settling in, bizarre and unexplainable events began to occur to the family as George was plagued by nightmarish visions and haunting voices from the evil presence still lurking within the residence. 28 days after moving in, the Lutzes abandoned the home – lucky to escape with their lives.
Length: 2:31
Release: April 15th, 2005.
Spoilerish: 6.0
Analysis: Wow oh wow oh wow – does it look like the crap that is horror is finally ending? This, to me, looks like a fantastic scary movie. Everything in this trailer is damn near perfect – the sound, the footage used, everything. Judging it against other horror trailers, this one really doesn’t seem like it spoils much – yes, some things are slightly given away, but overall it could have been a whole lot worse. The creep-out factor is huge here, and if things really come together *And they will need to almost perfectly*, this could be the smash horror hit everyone is waiting for.
Overall Rating: 8.0
The Number One Movie in America!
Every week, I’ll take the number one movie in America and put its trailer here, just in case anyone hasn’t seen it yet (or you just loves the trailer).
The plot according to Yahoo : Master explorer Dirk Pitt (Matthew McConaughey) takes on the adventure of his life when he embarks on a treasure hunt through some of the most dangerous regions of North Africa. Searching for what locals call “The Ship of Death”, a long lost Civil War battleship filled with coins, Pitt and his wisecracking sidekick (Steve Zahn) use their wits and clever heroics to help Doctor Eva Rojas (Penelope Cruz) who believes the ship may be linked to mysterious deaths in the very same area.
Length: 2:30
Spoilerish: 7
Analysis: Well, here’s a film I have absolutely no desire to see, before, during, or after this trailer. It all just seems so…been there, done that. The cast looks solid and some moments made me chuckle, but the trailer did nothing to make me interested in the plot, the characters, any of it. Maybe it’s an over saturation of the genre with crap movies, maybe I’m just jaded. Either way, this one has bad timing coming out against Fever Pitch and Sin City, but who knows. Based on this average-at-best trailer (what’s with sound of the voice of the narrator – totally doesn’t fit…) I’m inclined to pass.
Obviously, most of America didn’t agree with a word I said. Ah well.
Overall Rating: 5.0
Debating that DVD purchase? Check out the trailer first!
Yupp, each week, I’ll take the new, major DVD release(s) and put the trailer here too. No time for analysis this week, but I’m sure people don’t mind taking a break from hearing/reading me anyway.
The plot according to Yahoo: It’s been three years since Danny Ocean (Clooney) and his crew – fronted by detail man Rusty Ryan (Pitt), up-and-coming pickpocket Linus Caldwell (Damon), explosives expert Basher Tarr (Cheadle) and safecracker Frank Catton (Mac) – pulled off one of the most audacious and lucrative heists in history, robbing ruthless entrepreneur Terry Benedict (Garcia) of every dime stored in his impenetrable Las Vegas vault. After splitting the $160 million take, each of the infamous Ocean’s crew have tried to go straight, lay low and live a legit life… but that’s proven to be a challenge, much to the chagrin of Danny’s wife Tess (Roberts). When someone breaks Rule Number One and rats them out to Benedict, going straight is no longer an option. He wants his $160 million back – with interest – or else. And, as the gang quickly discovers, Benedict isn’t the only powerful person in the world looking for Ocean’s Eleven…
The plot according to Yahoo: Ten years ago, some of the worst atrocities in the history of mankind took place in the country of Rwanda; and in an era of high-speed communication and round-the-clock news, the events went almost unnoticed by the rest of the world. In only three months, almost 1 million people were brutally murdered. In the face of these unspeakable actions, inspired by his love for his family, an ordinary man summons extraordinary courage to save the lives of over a thousand helpless refugees by granting them shelter in the hotel he manages.
Wrapping it Up
So, that’ll do it for another week. Sorry again for phoning it in, but, well, real life sucks sometimes.
Until next time…..
