SMACK this! – 04.14.05


OPENERS

From Abarker (rest of e-mail addy withheld from you scurvy dogs!)

well without having to call upon my limited knowledge of obscure finishing moves this week, I simply have to comment on something you said in the Diva portion. I was at No Way Out, and during the Diva rookie of the year contest, Michelle McCool was definitely the most over with the crowd in Pittsburgh, so it was probably the crowd, and not JUST you. I will also agree that she is definitely one of my favorites in the new crop.

Another vote for My Michelle! Thanks for writing.

THE ANTI-SPYWARE SECTION

As previously helmed by one Eric Szulczewski, I’ve taken the liberty of taking the text and links from his Anti-Spyware section, and put it up on a page of it’s own, here. After spending three hours killing the “Desktop Search” crap from my singer’s computer, I feel that information like this is too good to be left out. So there ya go. UPDATE: Firefox has released version 1.0.2. Get it here.

QUICK HITS

For fans of The Sims 2 who love the game, but hate the annoying “bugs,” check out Pescado’s Hacks. Most are good for University, but there are also some Sims2-only hacks as well. Ridiculously easy to install (extract the “package” file to your Downloads folder, typically C:/Documents and Settings/User/My Documents/EA Games/The Sims 2/Downloads), these are a VERY welcome addition to the game. Check ’em out!

And a Happy Birthday to Killer, who would have been 78 or 84, depending on which Birth Certificate you look at. I still miss you, my friend.

SMACK this! (or, I have to do this TWICE?!?)

One world, two brands, three doors down is…nobody. Unless you go up my block the other way…

Show opens with a recap of Cena’s interview, with footage of the six contenders.
We get a recap of the JBL/Mysterio match, with Eddy’s temper causing the DQ.

A theme. Explosions. And the unexplained fist. We must be TAPED from the Allstate Arena in Chicago, IL; it’s WWE SmackDown! Michael Cole and Tazz rundown the evening: The Championship Series continues, and The Champ will be HERE!

NOT a United States Championship Match: Orlando Jordan (w/JBL) vs Booker T. JBL joins Cole and Tazz at ringside. He has plans to have the Cabinet take out every possible opponent in the series. The only thing JBL has to worry about is Cena. He makes Cole apologize for his remarks; Cole of course, does. Booker will take on the Big Show at MSG next week. Orlando starts off, pounding Booker down. He puts Booker in the corner, and waffles him there too. OJ throws some rights on the ropes, and Booker goes down. Booker gets sent for the ride, and eats an elbow. OJ with the little “boxing” bit, as JBL talks trash about Booker. OJ does the bullhorns, but that lets Booker come back. Booker hits the “chops/rights” combo, and sends OJ for the ride. BIG clothesline knocks OJ down. Booker hits the armwringer kick thingy, then sends OJ for the ride to hit the leg lariat. Uh oh, here come the Bashams, and OJ gets DQ’d. The Cabinet triple teams Booker when The Big Show’s music hits, and he clears out the Cabinet! JBL tells them to get in the ring, but our SD! GM, TL’s music hits, and he orders a handicap tag match – Orlando and the Bashams must now take on Booker and Show.

Booked On the Fly Handicrap Match: Orlando Jordan and the Bashams vs Booker T and The Big Show. Show dominates all three, getting OJ in the goozle, but a Basham helps him out. The Bashams double clothesline Show over the top, but Booker tagged in before they hit Show. Booker takes on both Bashams, hitting Danny with a BAAAACK bodydrop. Doug takes over, but Booker hits a reverse thrust kick that knocks Doug out of the ring. Booker keeps working over Danny, while Show spears (?) Doug on the otuside. Booker hits the leg lariat, the Spinneroni, the axe kick and gets the three. * for the whole mess, which was really just there to give Show and Booker something to do. Post match, Show taunts JBL, but he walks away, berating the Cabinet on the way back.

Next, it’s Torrie Wilson vs Dawn Marie! Once again, My Michelle is held back. DAMN YOU, GLASS CEILING!

Commercials.

Torrie Wilson vs Dawn Marie. Cole lets us know Torrie won the bikini contest last week. YOU FILTHY LIAR! Er, sorry. Dawn starts off, being her usual, PMSy self. She hits the catapult into the turnbuckle on Torrie, and then chokes her on the ropes. She screams a lot too. Anyway, Torrie gets a sunset flip, and they do the “rolling pinfall” sequence. Dawn hits a chick kick for two, recovers and gets two again. Dawn is kicking ass and chewing bubble gum. And she’s all out of gum. Dawn with a knee, and an X-Factor (?!?) for two. Dawn send her to the corner, but Torrie moves on the BLIND charge, and Dawn gets schoolgirled for two. Torrie comes out of nowhere with a kick and swinging neck breaker for the three. * 1/2. Hey, SD! Divas matches suck, but when Dawn’s in there, at least it looks like they’re trying.

Up next, Calito’s Cabana! His first guest, Rey Mysterio!

Commercials.

A promo from the WrestleMania REVENGE tour, in Australia. A little graphic tells us all three nights sold out.

Carlito’s Cabana: Special Guest: Rey Mysterio. Carlito says Piper’s Pit and Y2J’s Highlight Reel aren’t cool. His Cabana is! He’s not gonna give out new cars, unlike Oprah. But he does have apples, and if you disrespect him, he’s gonna spit in your face! Ewww. He notes that Chicago is not cool, but he’s not picking on them. They call the Cubs “the Lovable Losers,” just like his next guest. Before a YOU SUCK chant gets too far, he brings out Rey Mysterio.

Rey comes out and mugs to the crowd. Carlito apologies for Rey’s loss last week, so let’s have a look at how it happened! The Replay-O-Matic shows the end moments of the main event last week, knocking Rey out of the running. Rey says Carlito is right; it wasn’t cool what Eddy did last week. Rey is furious, and hasn’t talked to Eddy since last week. But Carlito is not the only one to try to stir things up between he and Eddy. Rey and Eddy are familia, BLOOD ESSE! They’ll work out their problems, and he WILL get a chance to become WWE Champion. Carlito says maybe, but he thinks Eddy is jealous of Rey, and thing will probably get a LOT worse for him. Rey says hold up, when music hits.

A mystery tag team comes out with a valet. Carlito loved the entrance, and he thinks they’re cool. Malina, Mercury and Nitro are their names (MNM). Never heard of them, although I’m SURE someone will point it out to me. They says they’re the “it” team. They were in LA, and they are sure that THEY could be the tag champs, with Latino Heat and Mucha Lucha on the outs. Nice one. They figure to make their debut on SD!, and win the tag team titles. Rey heard her drop some names, like Ashton and Paris – he’d like it if she dropped a breath mint. Better one! Since Rey is on his own, the girl says he’ll have to settle for this: sneak attack! M and M (not N) work over Rey. Rey tries to fight them off, but M and M (not N) keep the hurt on. The new guys double team DDT Rey as an EDDY chant goes unanswered. Rey is left lying, and we go to…

Commercials.

Backstage, JBL chews out the Cabinet. He is a wrestling GOD, and he will not tolerate any quit from anyone. He’s no longer champion because of these three, and the company he’s keeping lately isn’t so hot. Shape out, or their cut they’re out. A UPS guy comes by and has a package for Cena, but JBL buys him off. He thinks it’s the new, modified belt. The Cabinet offers to help destroy it, but JBL says there is no “we,” and takes off to do it alone. Meanwhile…

Eddy is here and tells Rey he’ll take care of MNM. Rey says to just leave him alone. Eddy says he had car trouble, but Rey’s not buying it. Eddy asks Rey not to question him, and seem pretty HURT by this, and promises to make it up to Rey: by dedicating his series of matches to Rey, and he will WIN! Rey just stares. Great promo. Eddy is fantastic here.

Next: Cena’s Title Presentation! But what about JBL’s chicanery?

Commercials.

Tonight, it’s Angle vs Eddy! YEEHAW!

WWE Champion John Cena comes out! A CENA chant starts, and he says, “Chicago Chain Gang, the champ, is HERE!” Chicago happens to be the home of the WrestleMania XXII! Wow, that IS big news. He runs down the people gunning for his title, and he brings up JBL. He accuses JBL of stealing personal property. He asks JBL to bring the box out, but if he doesn’t want to, Cena will just go back and get it. JBL comes out, no box. A pair of techs bring out a garbage can, then the box. JBL has the real title too! Cena says it’s ok; he doesn’t need that belt anymore! JBL says no way; he’s held the belt longer than anyone in ten years, and Cena will not desecrate his legacy. JBL’s gonna destroy the new title, but Cena says hold up. JBL reaches in the box, and pulls out something slimy. Cena wanted to give JBL a gift, but what do you get the man who has everything? Cena says he bought the one thing JBL never had: guts. He grabs the box and dumps it on JBL’s head. I can’t wait to see what Eric S. is gonna say about that. Cena tells JBL to shut his mouth and open his eyes, and look at the NEW WWE Championship. Cena shows us the new belt. It looks somewhat like a boxing belt on black leather, covered in gold, with a spinning WWE logo in the middle. “Take a look, because our time is NOW!”

The new belt is not bad. It’s still AWFUL, but not as bad as I though it would be.

Commercials.

Jobbers on TV in the New Millennium: Heidenreich vs Some Guy. Heidy hands the ref a poem, and goes to work on the jobber. Heidy backs him into the corner and asks if he is still his friend. Guy rifles a forearm, so Heidy hits him again, saying “that ain’t the way friends treat each other!” Awesome. Heidy with a choke, and another whip in, all the while saying “friend!” Guy gets a quick bit of comeback, hitting some stiff rights, but Heidy cuts him off with a big boot, proclaiming, “that’s what friends are for.” Super awesome. This is pretty much a squash, as Heidy yells a lot while kicking the tar out of the Guy. Heidy asks if they’re still friends, sends him in, but reverses Guy back in a side slam for the three. Papa Smark might say something about a finisher that is Nash’s transition move, but I wouldn’t. DUD. Heidy is getting entertaining during his matches though. The “friends” line had me in stitches. Post match, Heidy lays the opponent up in the corner, and reads he has a poem. He says that since he’s in the “Windy City,” he has a poem called “Breaking Wind”

Breaking Wind
by Heidenreich

Blowing farts, out my ass
Like breezes blow, through the grass
I love the feel, of when I fart
It makes me smile, and warms my HEART!
And that was a poem, by Heidenreich.

Oh my. He got CHEERED for that. Freaky.

Backstage, Booker T. and his new wife celebrate his win, and plan for next week’s showdown. He’s posing for the camera when Angle drops by. He tells Booker that he’s gonna take it all. Booker’s the five-time WCW champ? Well Angle will be the five-time WWE champ, something Booker hasn’t done ONCE. Oooo, BURN. He gets mouthy, but his wife barks him down. Angle comments about Booker getting his wife to do his battles for him, and she’s all like “he didn’t just say that.” She reminds Angle that while he beat HBK this year, it was last at WM XX that Eddy beat Angle. She does the “Can you dig that? SUCKA!” thing.

Commercials

Paul London is out to chat. Replay-O-Matic shows the GRAPHIC VIOLENCE fro, last week in black in white. The doctors won’t let London wrestle, but he is here for a fight! He calls out Chavo, who saunters out. He tells London he is the greatest Cruiserweight ever! As soon as London is ready, Chavo will take him on. But not now; as a Guerrero, he is honorable, and would never attack London now. So Kidman sneaks up, and tries to attack, but London fights him off, and knocks Chavo away as well. London hits the 450 on Kidman for revenge, and Chavo runs to the back.

RAW Rewind: HHH/Batista II, is signed for Backlash. Next week on RAW, it’s HHH vs JR! MOTY! WHOOO!

Next, Angle vs Eddy!

Commercials.

For those without the benefit of flash photography, here is a recap of the Rey/Eddy saga from last week. Basically, what you saw on the Cabana, with more “dramatic flair.”(TM)

Next week from MSG: Booker T. vs The Big Show!

Main Event: #1 Contenders Series: Kurt Angle vs Eddie Guerrero. Eddy drives out what looks to me like a ’57 Chevy, but I know nothing about cars. Cole and Tazz talk about Kurt’s latest run, and Kurt and Eddy’s history. BIG Eddy chant starts us out. They lockup, and Angle has Eddy against the ropes, but Eddy drops down and goes for Kurt’s legs, who scampers away. Another lockup, and Eddy hits a fireman’s carry, into an armbar on the mat. Angle reverses into a headscissors but Eddy fights out. Eddy grabs a waistlock and Kurt fires an elbow to knock him off. Kurt’s on the hop, and knocks Eddy down with a shoulder. Kurt breaks clean in the corner, as an ANGLE SUCKS chant fires up. Eddy into another waistlock, but Angle reverses into a arm wringer, pounding on the shoulder. Kurt swings around over top of Eddy, but Eddy rolls back out and kips up, reverses the arm bar, putting on a cross arm breaker, but Angle rolls him up for two. A lockup, and Eddy slaps on a side headlock. Eddy sent for the ride, but this time he shoudlers Kurt down. Eddy is on the hop now, and Angle goes for a hiptoss, but Eddy block and hits a hiptoss of his own, sending Kurt to the mat, so Kurt steps outside and takes a breather. Kurt comes back in with a side headlock takeover, but Eddy gets up. Angle is sent for the ride, but shoulders Eddy down. Angle is on the hop again, so Eddie with another hiptoss and armdrag. Eddy works the arm, but Kurt switches back to a waistlock, but Eddy elbows Kurt and hits the Three Amigos! Eddy goes up top, but he rolls through the frog splash, as Kurt heads outside again. We head to some…

Commercials.

We’re back and Angle hits some European uppercuts on Eddy. Angle works over Eddy in the corner. Angle with a suplex, and it gets two. Angle grounds Eddy with a waistlock as an EDDY chant lights up. Eddy elbows out, but Angle holds on to the tights and clubs Eddy on the back. Angle sends him for the short ride, hits a belly to belly throw on Eddy, and Angle is ready for the finish. But Eddy head scissors out of the Angle Slam. He covers, but Angle powers him on top of the ref, dazing him. Eddy goes for chair, but the ref is reviving. Eddy tosses the chair to Angle, who tosses it back to Eddy. Eddy tosses it BACK to Angle, and falls to the mat, pretending to be knocked out. Angle drops the chair outside as the ref gets up. The ref notices the chair outside, and argues with Angle about it, when Eddy roll him with a schoolboy for two! Eddy with a clothesline, and a tilt a whirl headscissors, but Angle hits a German suplex for two. A backbreaker by Angle gets two. Angle snapmares Eddy over and holds him in a body scissors. Eddy escapes with elbows to the quad, and sends Angle to the corner, but misses the BLIND charge, and Angle hits another German suplex for two. Angle tries to Angle Slam Eddy off the top, but Eddy pushes him down, and goes for the Fog Splash. Angle brings his knees up, and goes for a cover, but it gets two, as Eddy’s foot is on the ropes, and we go to our last set of…

Commercials.

We’re back again, as Angle hits a powerslam for two. He locks in the reverse bearhug again and clubs Eddy in the back. He goes for the Angle Slam, but Eddy counters into a swinging DDT! The ten count is on, and they make it up time, trading punches. Eddy takes over with the second coming of the Three Amigos, but he only got two, as Angle countered into an Angle Slam for two. Angle ready again, but Eddy hits a small package for two. Angle sent to the corner, so Eddy schoolboy’s him again for two. Angle comes back with three Germans for two. Angle goes for another Angle Slam, but Eddy counters into an armdrag. Eddy hits the Three Amigos again, and the third times the charm, as he nails them all. Frogsplash! Eddy only gets two, to the shock of everyone. Eddy walks over Kurt, but Kurt catches him on the ankle lock. Eddy turns over and kicks out, so Eddy goes on the hop, into Angle’s arms for a spinebuster, but Eddy clambers over and grabs Kurt’s tights on the way, letting Angle moon the audience for a second or so. In a sweet nod to WM XX, Angle rushes Eddy, and Eddy gets a small package, complete with feet on the ropes, but it only gets two. Angle picks the ankle and locks it up, but after almost giving up, Eddy rolls though, sending Kurt into the ref, and both out of the ring. Outside, Angle grabs a chair and goes for Eddy. but Rey is out now, and hits a seated senton on Angle! Rey grabs the chair and takes a swing at Angle, who bails out of the ring. Eddy gets up and sees Rey with the chair, and cowers down, asking Rey why he would come at him like this. Rey begs off, but never lets go of the chair. Angle sneaks in and knocks Rey into Eddy, hitting their heads on the chair between them in Rey’s hands. Angle notices the reviving ref, and covers Eddy for the three count. Angle wins! ****. The finish was about as obvious and annoying as you can get, but it advanced the Angle (har), and up until then, was a fantastic match. Post match, Eddy yells at Rey, asking him “why,” as we go off the air.

A show that was somewhat dull in spots, and entertaining in others, but had a killer main event made up for any shortcomings nicely. It seems a lock that Booker will win next week, but the MSG crowd is always fun, so I’m looking forward to it. See you then!