The Weekly Music Pulse: The Saturday Swindle Sheet #89

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by SBC Yahoo! DSL. Picture yourself entertained.

Have I mentioned yet how much I love the spring and summer? The warm weather, baseball, tank tops, serotonin flowing liberally, windows down in the car, music blasting, the smell of day-old carrion on the street… it all just melts my butter.

Let me start out by saying that I love Nine Inch Nails, and am going to buy With Teeth the day it comes out. That said, I couldn’t help but notice a thread on the staff forums that was centered around the new single…

We had to wait how many years, and this is the best Reznor can come up with?

This is a different sound. Industrial mixed with some of the currently popular garage-rock sounding stuff.

I’m always the first one to sarcastically say, “what, nobody is allowed to change?” but it’s odd to hear someone like Reznor moving so fluidly into mainstream territory.

My thoughts…?

I heard the song before I saw the video.

In re the song: Yeah, it’s poppy, and when I first heard it I stared at the wall for a good five minutes; not really sure how to react. However, I must admit that it’s grown on me, sort of like a fungus. It’s been very popular at my DJ night because it is highly dance-able and not Lil Jon. Speaking of which, the synth effect that kicks in around 2:14 is oddly reminiscent of the beat for “Yeah!” So, does that mean that Lil Jon will eventually grow on me? The answer is… not bloody likely, but you’ll never hear from me again if that ever does become the case, because I’ll more than likely slit my wrists. As an aside, I noticed that this song would blend perfectly with Korn’s “Got the Life,” even though I’ll never do it. This coming from a guy who’s layered the vocals from Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight” over the instrumental for “Grindin’.” Don’t worry, it was just a house party, and no one was seriously injured.

In re the video: Disappointed? Yep. Hopefully this means that they spent all the real money on the video for the second single. That, or Trent’s been working out for the past 6-1/2 years and wanted to show off his guns. Remember, he is an egomaniac. Scott Stapp would be proud.

Speaking of guys obsessed with their own looks, I’d like to say that when I sent in the photo of myself to be run at the top of the music page, I didn’t consider the mandatory filtering that is applied to keep all of the images on the site looking uniform. As a result, my face came out looking wider and more skewed than it actually is. No, my head is not that wide, nor does it taper at the bottom like a light bulb. I am in fact, a very good-looking man. Observe…

Shown on the right is the image that is currently being run with my column, while the image at left is what it actually looks like. The differences may be subtle, but they're there.

Still don’t believe me that a filter can cause an otherwise good-looking person to look like a mutant?

Ahahaha, that filter on my head makes me look all mongoloid and shit.
Gloomchen, 4/2/05

Coincidence… or conspiracy?
Still skeptical? Watch this…

The picture on the left is of the beautiful Monica Bellucci. Any heterosexual male with the sense of sight would readily pounce on that. However, when put through the "InsidePulse filters," we get a creature not unlike something out of a Troma film. You'd have to pay me $10,000 and have her wear a paper bag for me to even consider it. Okay... maybe no paper bag, but I'd definitely take out my contact lenses.

In conclusion, I am an Adonis, not a mutant. I can only hope that once Aaron Cameron’s face is put through these filters that his forehead is not even further enlarged, as such a phenomenon would pose the very real risk of the rest of the page being swallowed whole.


That_Bootleg_Guy is back, and he did word association plugs with Ms. Bootleg. As a tribute, I am going to follow suit with some word association plugs of my own…

EmergncyAirlines (10:48:47 PM): hey PK, do you have like 5 minutes to spare?
baddassPK (10:48:51 PM): sure
EmergncyAirlines (10:50:20 PM): I’ll give you the name of the person and you tell me what animal they most remind you of
baddassPK (10:50:43 PM): :-)
EmergncyAirlines (10:50:45 PM): or, if you don’t know the person, just rattle off a random animal… it will be AWESOME
EmergncyAirlines (10:50:53 PM): Aaron Cameron
baddassPK (10:51:20 PM): Hawk
EmergncyAirlines (10:51:24 PM): Shawn M. Smith
baddassPK (10:51:37 PM): Rabbit
EmergncyAirlines (10:51:44 PM): Mathan Erhardt
baddassPK (10:51:55 PM): Bobcat
EmergncyAirlines (10:52:01 PM): Tom D’Errico
baddassPK (10:52:12 PM): Squirrel
EmergncyAirlines (10:52:34 PM): I just got a better idea
EmergncyAirlines (10:52:40 PM): lets try 80s songs
EmergncyAirlines (10:52:52 PM): are you familiar with the genre?
baddassPK (10:53:05 PM): eh
baddassPK (10:53:20 PM): they will be mostly GNR and Great White
baddassPK (10:53:25 PM): haha
EmergncyAirlines (10:53:29 PM): Aaron Cameron
baddassPK (10:54:12 PM): ya
baddassPK (10:54:14 PM): this wont work
baddassPK (10:54:15 PM): sorry
EmergncyAirlines (10:54:18 PM): oops
EmergncyAirlines (10:54:34 PM): alright then, back to animals…
EmergncyAirlines (10:54:37 PM): Gloomchen
baddassPK (10:54:51 PM): Polar Bear
EmergncyAirlines (10:54:58 PM): David Kyle Paul
baddassPK (10:55:27 PM): Dragon
EmergncyAirlines (10:55:37 PM): Komodo?
baddassPK (10:55:43 PM): nope
baddassPK (10:55:52 PM): fire breathing one
baddassPK (10:55:53 PM): get it
baddassPK (10:55:55 PM): he does the
baddassPK (10:55:57 PM): Heat
baddassPK (10:56:00 PM): report
baddassPK (10:56:01 PM): hha
EmergncyAirlines (10:56:08 PM): INGENIOUS!
EmergncyAirlines (10:56:13 PM): okay
EmergncyAirlines (10:56:17 PM): we’re almost done…
EmergncyAirlines (10:56:33 PM): I have 5 CDs to plug
EmergncyAirlines (10:57:03 PM): this is going to be a little more tricky
EmergncyAirlines (10:57:09 PM): I’ll give you the title of it and you tell me what entree it reminds you of
baddassPK (10:57:34 PM): can I do it as a five course meal?
EmergncyAirlines (10:57:57 PM): I don’t see why not
EmergncyAirlines (10:57:59 PM): Motion City Soundtrack Commit This to Memory
baddassPK (10:58:21 PM): Baked French Onion Soup
EmergncyAirlines (10:58:28 PM): The O.C. Mix 4
baddassPK (10:58:42 PM): Mixed Greens Salad
EmergncyAirlines (10:59:03 PM): British Sea Power Open Season
baddassPK (11:00:27 PM): Sourdough bread with Butter
baddassPK (11:00:32 PM): errrrr
baddassPK (11:00:46 PM): Sourdough bread with anchovy paste
EmergncyAirlines (11:00:57 PM): well-played
EmergncyAirlines (11:00:59 PM): Burn the Priest Burn the Priest
baddassPK (11:01:46 PM): Fried Priest
baddassPK (11:01:48 PM): HA!
baddassPK (11:01:56 PM): Salt encrusted Beef
EmergncyAirlines (11:02:05 PM): what’s the difference?
EmergncyAirlines (11:02:08 PM): BWAHAHAHA!
baddassPK (11:02:10 PM): ZING!
EmergncyAirlines (11:02:15 PM): Glen Phillips Winter Pays for Summer
baddassPK (11:02:31 PM): Baked Alaska
EmergncyAirlines (11:02:52 PM): awesome, thanks
EmergncyAirlines (11:03:40 PM): In one word, describe the figures section to my readers…
baddassPK (11:04:09 PM): purple

You heard him, folks… PURPLE!! Go!! NOW!!


Setting in motion another generation of children who think Japan is in Africa, Britney Spears is confirmed to be expecting a child with her husband Kevin Federline. Although tabloids had been inferring this for the past month or so by running recently snapped photos of Spears with a bit of a pooch, the singer herself confirmed the rumors on Monday in a posting on her official fan Web site. “The time has finally come to share our wonderful news that we are expecting our first child together,” she said. “There are reports that I was in the hospital this weekend, and Kevin and I just want everyone to know that all is well. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I love Kevin very much and will be here for him throughout the duration of his pregnancy and when he ultimately gives birth. He wants a boy, but I want a pelican. We’re just going to leave it up to Santa Claus.”

A lawsuit from 1999 against OutKast by civil rights figurehead Rosa Parks, for the group having used her name as the title of a hit single from their 1998 album, Aquemini, has been settled after the two sides agreed to a deal. Parks agreed to drop the lawsuit in exchange for the duo working with the Rosa and Raymond Parks Institute for Self-Development to organize youth programs to educate children on civil rights and the roles that activists such as Parks played. Also, as part of the settlement, they will be contributing a song to an upcoming Rosa Parks tribute CD that will include other musicians. The song, which is tentatively titled “Civil Rights on the Bar-B,” was changed from its original title of “Bishop Don Magic Juan” amid fears of a similar, subsequent lawsuit.

Am I making this shit up? Who knows?
Do you people even read these captions? I LOVE BOOBS!

Billy Joel checked out of the Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage, California, on Sunday afternoon, after being treated for what his publicist told reporters is “alcohol abuse.” The singer/pianist, 55, had entered the facility last month, following “a recent bout of severe gastrointestinal distress,” which his physicians had apparently attributed to having consumed copious amounts of alcohol over the past four decades. He had spent a couple of weeks at a similar clinic in Connecticut, in June of 2002, to receive treatment for alcoholism. “I feel great to be out of the hospital,” Joel told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet. “Now I can get back to banging my hot wife who’s younger than Jeff Fernandez.”

"You bet your ass she's with me! Yeah, I can't believe it, either!"

Reebok is receiving scrutiny from Mothers Against Guns, a British-based activist group, for glorifying gun violence, after featuring 50 Cent in one of their recent commercials. In the spot, the rapper is shown counting his bullet wounds, and echoing the slogan, “I am what I am.” Representatives for Reebok sent out the statement, “[Reebok does] not support every action, choice or view expressed by the hundreds of athletes and entertainers who wear our products. However, we do support their individuality and right to express themselves freely. … I mean, come on, 50 Cent is total prick, but he does sell shoes, however that works.”

Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys pled not guilty to a couple of vehicular charges having to do with an incident last month in which he was pulled over for driving like an extreme asshole, and then failed a field sobriety test. The singer was not required to appear in court to answer the charges, so he phoned in his plea. A second hearing is scheduled for May 2nd, and according to sources close to The Saturday Swindle Sheet, another new one was added for July 3rd after Carter crashed his Mercedes SUV into a parked squad car because he was driving while on his cell phone, calling in his plea for the first set of charges.

After breaking up over 15 years ago, the original Dinosaur Jr. lineup has announced that it is reunited, and will play a string of tour dates in the US, UK, and Japan. Here’s a listing of the US dates (…

7/7 – Lake Buena Vista, FL @ House of Blues
7/8 – Atlanta, GA @ Variety Playhouse
7/9 – Norfolk, VA @ The NorVa
7/10 – Carrboro, NC @ Cat’s Cradle
7/11 – Washington, DC @ 9:30 Club
7/13 – Philadelphia, PA @ Electric Factory
7/14 – New York, NY @ Central Park Summer Stage
7/15 – Boston, MA @ Avalon
7/19 – Cleveland, OH @ House of Blues
7/20 – Pontiac, MI @ Clutch Cargo
7/21 – Covington, KY @ The Madison Theater
7/22 – Milwaukee, WI @ The Rave/ Eagles Club
7/23 – Minneapolis, MN @ The Quest
7/24 – Chicago, IL @ Grant Park (Lollapalooza)

Quick Bits

Singer Keith Urban snagged the top award of music video of the year on Monday from the Country Music Television network at their annual awards show, for his song “Days Go By.”

Confirmed act for this year’s incarnation of England’s Glastonbury festival include New Order, Elvis Costello, Coldplay, The White Stripes, Kylie Minogue, Interpol, Tori Amos, Ani DiFranco, The Killers, Garbage, Doves, Cake, Bright Eyes, Hot Hot Heat, Rilo Kiley, and Rufus Wainwright.

A group of record execs including Jay-Z, L.A. Reid., and Russell Simmons held a press conference to announce the unveiling of the Russell Simmons Music Group imprint, in which Simmons is partnering with Island/Def Jam.

Rich Cronin, formerly of boy band LFO, was diagnosed with leukemia late last month, soon after having wrapped up a solo album, and is currently receiving treatment at a clinic outside of Boston.

Sparta had to cancel the rest of their tour after guitarist Paul Hinojos ruptured in disk in his back. It appears as if the band will not be making up the remaining dates, giving emo kids one more thing to cry about. I know, I know, they’re not really emo, but the punch line doesn’t work otherwise.

Everyone’s Favorite Guy will be featured in the upcoming episode of the NBC mini-series, Revelations, which makes me feel really good that I missed the first episode, and will be trying my damnedest to miss to rest of the series.


So Jeff has given me more creative control than a Hulk Hogan contract this week, so here goes.

Britney Got Speared

I guess Britney is having a baby. With her boyfriend dancer husband who has a reputation of dodging responsibilities when it comes to the care of a child. That’s okay, though, as Britney is a DOWN HOME girl, and she’ll make sure that the baby is well provided for. Of course, the millions of dollars she has generated gyrating to the musical compositions of Max Martin might help in that respect, but at least the baby will be in the shiniest, biggest trailer in the park.

Britney’s career, much like a stripper’s, is over. North Americans don’t want to see someone become mortal, like the rest of us. Given Britney’s bulking up since Kevin decided to pickle his salami, pregnancy and childbirth will not be kind to Ms. Spears.

Being fat is bad, although it seems to be becoming the new ‘slim’. If the championing of people such as Kristie Alley, a poster girl for overindulgence if ever there could be one, is going to be the new slim, then perhaps Britney’s cellulite riddled ass will still have some hope.

Which isn’t to say that folks who are overweight or who do not fit the ideal of beauty should be demonized, no. Given that certain trends seem to be embracing America’s weight problem as opposed to actually doing something about it, Britney might just be able to revive her career as the world’s most glamourous soccer mom.

I, however, will be hoping she goes the route of the stripper who has gone over the hill. Begging and pleading, in the most pathetic way possible, for customers to give her $10 for a lap dance. It’s a fitting comparison.


So El Presidente has gotten himself an iPod. My estimation for the man has gone up a slight notch, as I feel that any one person who can appreciate some form of music isn’t all bad. Given that, though, a quick scan of what he listens to while mountain biking leaves me scratching my head. ‘Brown Eyed Girl’? I don’t know if I necessarily would use Van freaking Morrison to amp myself up for trekking through the wilderness of Texas, but, Alan Jackson?

I’m beginning to wonder if the entire Bush Junta aren’t a horde of aliens who are doing their damnedest to impersonate humans and their weird lifestyles.


Vancouver was home to the Arts County Fair last Friday, an event where a number of Canadian artists were performing. Things got a little unruly, and reports of sexual assault, physical assault and other, varied acts of hooliganism were brought up. Artists were being pelted with shoes and other items, to the point where several artists and people associated with the show were pleading with the folks in the audience to tone it down.

Earlier this week, it was also revealed that the man who was responsible for the death of Dimebag Darryl had a previous run-in with the guitarist at another Damageplan show. This guy had leapt up on stage and caused a significant amount of damage to stage equipment before being restrained by bouncers and summarily thrown out of the venue.

Both of these cases highlight a very simple fact that musicians, individuals whose purpose in life is to entertain your sorry asses, are putting themselves at very real danger to themselves. Are artists going to have to start protecting themselves, or is this type of behavior going to continue when you gather large swarms of young folks together?

It’s a serious question when you stop to consider that the insanity of some concert-goers has resulted in serious loss of life. I’m not just talking about Dimebag, either. [Think about] the number of times that individuals have been seriously hurt at a concert due to audiences rushing the stage. Deaths have occurred, one of the worst being Denmark’s 2000 Roskilde Festival, where 9 individuals were crushed to death by a rabid audience, eager to hear Pearl Jam perform. 3 other individuals were seriously injured and Pearl Jam were seriously considering breaking up as a result of that incident.

Last I checked, concerts were places to go to enjoy music, either from favorites that you know and love, or from unknowns who might clue you in to something new and kickass. It is NOT a place where you go to engage in gladiator-like combat with your fellow concert-goers, with the band providing the soundtrack to your triumphant kicking in of someone’s head, playing on, lest they anger the wrong element and have them turn their attention from the people they are standing shoulder to shoulder with and focusing on THEM.

I realize that the topic of safety at concerts is a cliched one that has been done to death by many a would-be music journalist, but given what’s gone on in the past little while, it makes me wonder if the current security measures in place for concerts are enough, or if we will start to see an increase in concert safety to the point where one’s enjoyment of the show will be hampered by that which keeps audience and performer safe.

Thoughts of going to a concert and then watching it on projectors while the band performs in a room somewhere in the stadium isn’t something I entirely look forward to.


Here’s your guide to where you can catch Astralwerks’ artists LIVE in a city near you!

(In Stores Apr. 26) CAESARS – PAPER TIGERS

June 2 Los Angeles Troubadour
June 4 Seattle, WA VENUE TBA
June 5 Vancouver, BC Red Room
June 7 Portland, OR VENUE TBA
June 8 San Francisco, CA Bottom of the Hill
June 9 San Jose, CA VENUE TBA
June 15 New York, NY Bowery Ballroom

April 27 Seattle – The Premier
April 29 San Francisco – Henry J. Kaiser Arena (w/ New Order)
April 30 Indio – Coachella

w Handsome Boy Modeling School
April 09 Chicago, IL House Of Blues
April 10 Bloomington, IN Bluebird Theater
April 11 Ann Arbor, MI Blind Pig
April 12 Cleveland, OH House of Blues
April 15 Burlington, VT Higher Ground
April 16 Philadelphia, PA TLA
April 17 Washington, DC 930 CLUB
April 18 New Haven, CT Toads Place
April 19 Boston The Paradise 600
April 20 New York, NY Irving Plaza

May 30: Washington, DC @ 9.30 Club
May 31: Washington, DC @ 9.30 Club
June 01: New York, NY @ Hammerstein Ballroom
June 03: Detroit, MI @ State Theatre
June 04: Chicago, IL @ Riviera Theatre
June 06: Los Angeles, CA @ Greek Theatre

April 28 : New York, NY @ Rothko
April 29 : Detroit, MI @ Oslo
April 30 : San Francisco, CA @ Mezzanine
May 01 : Indio, CA @ Coachella Festival
May 05 : Lawrence, KS @ Granada Theatre
May 06 : Chicago, IL @ Sound-Bar
May 07 : Montreal, PQ @ S.A.T.

with Dogs Die In Hot Cars & Joy Zipper
April 13 Lawrence, KS @ Granada (All ages)
April 14 Denver, CO @ Bluebird Theatre (All ages)
April 15 Salt Lake City, UT @ Club Sound (All ages)
April 17 Portland, OR @ Doug Fir (21+)
April 18 Seattle, WA @ Crocodile Cafe (21+)
April 19 Vancouver, BC @ Richard’s On Richards (19+)
April 21 San Francisco, CA @ Great American Music Hall (All ages)
April 22 Los Angeles, CA @ Avalon (All ages)

* w/ Gang Of Four
April 14 Lux Lisbon, POR
April 15 Casa de Musica Porto, POR
April 22 Circo Volado Mexico City, MEX
April 23 Hard Rock Guadalajara, MEX
April 30 Coachella Festival Indio, CA
May 2 The Fillmore San Francisco, CA *
May 3 The Fillmore San Francisco, CA *
May 5 Crystal Ballroom Portland, OR *
May 6 Showbox Seattle, WA *
May 8 Larimer Lounge Denver, CO
May 10 The Quest Minneapolis, MN *
May 11 Metro Chicago, IL *
May 12 Metro Chicago, IL *
May 13 The Majestic Detroit, MI*
May 21 TLA Philadelphia, PA *

May 01 : Indio, CA @ Coachella Festival
May 03 : New York, NY@ Cielo
May 05 : Boston, MA @ Axis
May 06 : San Francisco,CA @ DNA Lounge
May 07 : Houston, TX @ Boaka Bar
May 08 : Los Angeles, CA @ Deep

With Electric Six:
April 15 : Portland, OR- Dante’s
April 16 : Seattle, OR- Neumo’s
April 17 : Eugene, Or – WOW
April 18 : Sacramento CA- Harlow’s Night Club
April 20 : San Francisco CA- The Independent
April 21 : Los Angeles, CA- El Rey Theatre
April 22 : San Juan Capistrano, CA – The Coach House
April 23 : Phoenix, AZ – The Venue of Scottsdale
April 24 : Tucson, AZ – Plush
April 26 : Oklahoma City – Green Door
April 27 : Kansas City – The Hurricane
April 28 : Minneapolis, MN – First Avenue
April 29 : Madison WI, The Annex
April 30 : Milwaukee WI, Mad Planet
May 1 : Cleveland OH, Grog Shop
May 3 : Indianapolis IN- The Vouge
May 4 : Columbus, OH- Skully’s
May 5 : Chicago, Logan Square Auditorium
May 6 : Louisville, KY – Headliner’s


Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.


Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…

Rush, “The Spirit of Radio”
Stevie Wonder, “You Are the Sunshine of My Life”
Haircut 100, “Favourite Shirts (Boy Meets Girl)”
Ministry, “Stigmata”
Peter Gabriel, “Solsbury Hill”
Joy Division, “Disorder”
808 State, “Pacific 707”
Van Halen, “Everybody Wants Some!!”
Jefferson Airplane, “Somebody to Love”
The Normal, “Warm Leatherette”
Dave Matthews Band, “Don’t Drink the Water”
The Flying Lizards, “Money”
The Timewriter, “Here Comes the Sun”
Yesterday’s New Quintet, “Julani”
The White Stripes, “Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground”
Dub Pistols, “Cyclone”
Company Flow, “Lune TNS”
DJ Krush & Toshinori Kondo, “Mu-Getsu”
Jay-Z, “Guilty Until Proven Innocent” [f/R. Kelly]
Orgy, “Opticon”
Deftones, “Back to School (Mini Maggit)”
Silverchair, “Tomorrow”
The Who, “Eminence Front”


This week was a tie…

Everyone’s Favorite Guy is reportedly in talks with an entertainment company to develop a one-hour television program that will be a combination of celebrity interviews and reality-type segments giving the viewer a look into Durst’s personal and professional dealings, including the day he sucked off Satan in exchange for his shitty band becoming popular. “I just want to have a spontaneous platform to have good conversations with people, who aren’t necessarily on the show to sell a movie or product,” he told Variety magazine. “I’m not interested in being controversial and pushing envelopes.” Suuuure… But that’s not the kicker. Apparently, the aforementioned entertainment company is Bischoff-Hervey Entertainment, which is half owned, by, yep… THAT Bischoff. Considering what the last few years of WCW gave us, expect this thing to be a train wreck from the get-go. Good.


The mayor and city council of Las Vegas declared Friday as “Diddy Day,” in honor of The Sycophantic Shithead, and his supposed long list of achievements. A ceremony was to be held at the Aladdin Hotel and Casino, and FUCK… this is why the guy pulls shit like demand ad hoc awards, because people constantly suck his egotistical dick. I’ll bet they won’t mention his VH1 Big in 2003 shenanigans as one of his accomplishments, because it showed how much of a whiny cunt he really is. I was actually considering moving to Las Vegas in the next few years, but if this is the kind of shit that my tax dollars are going to be used for, I’ll think I’ll move to Albuquerque instead. If I were Mathan Erhardt, I’d be pretty pissed off right now.

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’ve seen all good people turn their heads each day, so satisfied I’m on my way.