Velocity Recap: 4/16/05
Welcome to the first ever Super Happy Awesome Velocity Experience, or SHAVE for short. My name is Tom Pandich, and I’ll be taking you through the B-show that features evil Japanese men, 105 pound coke addicts in goofy pants, recaps of things we’ve already seen (if you’re watching Velocity, it doesn’t make much sense not to watch Smackdown), and old vets who stiff the shit out of the young guns just because they can’t anally rape them back like they could in the good old days. Poor Dink #3 was never the same after that.
Typically, I write over in Games, but once a week I’ll come over here and enlighten you with my minimal knowledge of “wrasslin” and my moderate knowledge of Sports Entertainment. Since this is a first shot at this whole recapping deal, expect things to be a little rough for the first few weeks, but I’ll iron out the details and get things flying straight eventually.
My report will never be very serious as pretty much anyone who owns a computer that would be looking for a Velocity recap probably already writes their own Velocity recap (or at least runs a Paul London homoerotic fanfiction webring). I won’t do snowflakes, stars, clovers, or blue moons because I don’t like them and it’s a B-show. Any feedback on how I’m not fit to lick Scott Keith’s skid marks on his NWO underoos, and how I’m less funny then a Rick Scaia chat log would be appreciated. See, I’m already making jokes that only insiders could get, oh collective readers of the IWC. I’ve got this bitch by the short hairs!
Velocity is TAPED from the Windy City. Josh Matthews and Steve Romero are here to guide us through the majesty that is B-show wrestling. Apparently tonight there are four cruiserweight matches according to the announcing crew. Let’s get started.
Chavo Guerrero v Shannon Moore
Shannon Moore looks like the bastard child of Shawn Michaels and Hawk from the Legion of Doom. Things get off to a slow start. Chavo gets a side headlock and ends up on his ass from Moore shoulder tackle. Moore then starts works on the arm, but Chavo slugs Moore a few times to put a stop to that. Chavo hits a few European uppercuts and a side slam gets two.
Chavo goes to work on Moore’s back with a fierce submission move. Shannon, through an act of god, breaks the hold, gets up, and goes on the offensive. Moore must have the will of two… no three Terri Schiavo protestors. Moore hits a leg lariat off the second rope and that gets two. Shannon goes for a neckbreaker pushed off, body scissor to a sunset flip gets two. Chavo catches Shannon on the ropes, which, leads into the fake crowd noise followed by a sloppy looking Gory Bomb and we’re done. Pretty weak match from these two. Moore seriously looks far too much like Jeff Hardy before he was fired.
Winner Chavo Guerro
Velocity goes retro and shows us what conspired between JBL and a deliveryman last week on Smackdown. A box is being sent to John Cena and Generic UPS Guy has direct instructions to give it to John Cena. JBL says that he’s good friends with Cena and shows Generic UPS Guy another one of his friends, Mr. Washington. Man, if we can’t trust packages to be delivered on pro wrestling shows, how can we have faith in mail services AT ALL!?!
*commercials*
-Sheep boys freak me out.
-God of War is a good, not great game. Mr. Michael O’Reilly was pretty spot on with his review over here.
-Smackdown vs Raw: where goofy waiters can convince women to strip when usually they couldn’t even pay them to get into lingerie.
-More Divas on the beach. They must have a timeshare.
-Lance Krall has a new show that doesn’t look terrible at all.
-Smackdown Magazine has Rey Rey this month.
*end commercials*
We’re back and we’re still on Smackdown. Cena is about to have his belt presented to him when JBL comes out with and is ready to destroy Cena’s package. Yeah, it’s as gay as it sounds. As turns out, the package was for JBL. Cena got JBL some guts from the slaughterhouse, and I just figured out what to get the Texan who has everything. Cena turns the belt presentation into a sanitation violation as JBL gets a gutbath. The new belt is lowered from the ceiling and it is ugly as sin. We’re talking hardcore title ugly, but without the charm. You’d think that someone who places so much emphasis on throwbacks and classics would actually keep the older belt, but then again, Cena wouldn’t have the delightful spinner. Kids love the spinning bling.
Later tonight on Velocity, Hardcore and Haas take on Akio and Spike.
*commercials*
-The E heads to Europe shortly. Bradshaw promises only to make insensitive gestures about the Japanese this time around.
-I’m Doomed? Well we’ll see Wednesday when I get my Doom 3 review out for X-Box.
-Trish used Stacker 2 to stop being fat, as she was a lard ass before these commercials.
-Meet the Fockers gets no clever comment because of its stupid title.
-Liu Kang’s fatality in the original Mortal Kombat was about as gay as you could get.
-Taco Bell advertises food that has about 3 cents worth of meat in it. Yummy.
-The NBA Playoffs (sponsored locally by Georgia tourism?).
-Gary Yeoman sells cars with a can do attitude and rock bottom prices.
-Spike’s Maximum MLB; For people too lazy to watch Sportscenter seven days a week for baseball highlights.
*end commercials*
The Slam of the Week: Rey Rey is assaulted by MNM on Carlito’s lame ass interview segment. That’s not cool.
Scotty 2 Hotty v Nunzio
It is worth noting that Scotty comes out and acts like a f*cking moron more then usual tonight. A bit of stalling while Josh Matthews says the fake crowd noise could be the “X-Factor” for the match tonight. Side headlock by Nunzio leads to Nunzio bailing after Scotty sent him into the ropes. The match is pretty even as Josh says he wants to be part of Carlito’s Cabana. Josh has never ever been laid… ever. Nunzio hits Scotty with a few cheap shots and the announcers bring up the fact that Scotty had testicular cancer to promo his interview in this month’s Smackdown magazine. Scotty charges Nunzio in the corner and ends up with a shoulder full of post, which gets two. Nunzio tries for a worm and gets a shitty looking W and half an O in before drop kicking a sitting Scotty.
Nunzio places Scotty in a hammerlock that Scotty fights off. Superkick by Scotty and both men are down. Nunzio is up at 8 and Scotty does a kip up at 9. Scotty gets a couple of punches in followed by a backdrop. He then goes for a bulldog but Nunzio counters with a sidewalk slam for 2. Nunzio pulls Scotty up and has his punch blocked. This time the bulldog connects and its W-O-R-M for 1-2-3. It could have been a lot worse.
Winner: Scotty 2 Hotty
After the break it’s Kurt v Eddy in the #1 contender tournament.
*commercials*
-Enzyte wants to naturally enchance my maleness.
-The obligatory second Enzyte commercial has fat men spelling out LIMPS across their chests. Thank goodness penis medicine can be dealt with in a classy manner.
-Amityville Horror continues the string of remakes and according to Shaun Norton, it ain’t good..
-SUVs roll over not because of poor design but because of poor driving.
-Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory gets a 9.9 from the source of unbiased reporting, the Official X-Box Magazine.
-Lance Krall, round 2.
-Spike is showing Easy Money next Tuesday.
*end commercials*
Cena’s rap album drops in stores this week. Since “you can’t see me” let me tell you, I’m overwhelmed with indifference, and it shows. That’s thug street life.
Luther Reigns v Funaki
So much for a night full of cruiserweight matches… Romero derides Funaki’s evil announcer abilities, and ignites my hatred of him. Matthews announced that Luther Reigns has done hard time so he can easily squish a Japanese man. Apparently Josh Matthews gets along with Reigns and everyone else. He’s a very sociable guy. Romero asks how well Josh gets along with Hardcore Holly and that kills that conversation. Hey, apparently it’s Paul London’s birthday according to the Velocity ticker.
Funaki finally gets a bit of offense in after being kicked and punched and choked. He kicks at Reigns leg a few times, charges and gets caught. Reigns defeats evil with a glorified swinging neckbreaker, which takes us back to commercials.
Winner: Cool Hand Luther
Eddy v Kurt next (for real this time)
*commercials*
-Does anyone even use the WWE Shop anymore?
-The dog actually handled all of the payments for the truck in the Castrol GTX commercial.
-xXx: State of the Union looks pretty awful.
-The number one cause of spontaneous combustion is a lack of Gatoraid in your body.
-Smackdown v Raw commercial makes me want to decapitate that stupid ass waiter.
-Smoothie Skittles commercial 2; “Stop that jibber jabbin,” heh.
-Maximum MLB #2
-Lance Krall yells at 12-year-old backyard wrestlers while making a desperate appeal for society to welcome the ICP and the JWL back into our hearts. I may have to watch this now.
*end commercials*
Smack of the Night: Eddy smacks Rey with a dedication of his victory over Angle.
The Angle/Guerro match is joined in progress with Angle kicking out at two after going into the corner. Kurt comes right out and hits the rolling Germans: 1, 2… no. Angle measuring Guerro for an Angle Slam, but Eddy counters with an arm drag, and hits the verticals. Guerro goes up top and hits the frog splash; one two thr..no. Both men are down. Eddy is up first but Angle almost locks the Ankle Lock on. Eddy pants Angle and everyone sees Kurt’s white ass. Eddy then rolls up Angle and Eddy puts a foot on the ropes for 2. Quick Ankle Lock after the kick out by Kurt. Eddy tries to counter and no. A second time, no. The third time sends Kurt flying into the ref. Angle hops outside and grabs a chair. He measures Eddie, and here comes Mysterio. He hits Angle with a West Coast Pop and picks up the chair. Eddy gets up and starts freaking out when he sees Rey with the chair. Angle comes from behind and sends Rey into Eddy chair first. Ref comes in, Angle covers and that’s it. Moderately crappy end to a pretty good match.
Akio/Spike v Holly/Haas NEXT
*commercials*
-WWE 24/7: where you can relive all your favorite Russo booking decisions and “(Object) on a pole” matches.
-Eat a Snickers and see Ric Flair’s turrets in action in person.
-Fockers, #2.
-Silly game commercial, MX bikes and ATVs don’t have leashes.
-Reebok scares the ever-living piss out of me with a breathing shoe.
-Hardee’s promotes their 1/3 pound burger by showing off a 4 pound burger.
-Gary Yeomann makes Daytona Beach the coolest place to buy a car.
-Lance Krall, act 4. He had me and now he’s lost me.
*end commercials*
The 2004 Raw Diva search was such a success that the 2005 is being done a few months earlier. Apparently Christy Hemme was just pretty before winning the money. Now she’s pretty and completely strung out on some sort of drug cocktail as a Diva. Apparently, it could happen to you assuming you’re a hot chick with decent boobs. Sorry 99.999% of the Velocity audience. Man boobs don’t count.
Main Event: Haas/Holly v Akio/Dudley
Akio’s cocky Japanese walk makes me smile while Spike’s out of control beard makes me laugh. Spike hits Holly to start things off and Holly goes Spark Plugg on him. Holly chops Spike in the corner. He then tags in Haas and it’s a double team flapjack on Spike. Spike scrambles to his corner and tags in Akio. Akio gets a few decent kicks on Haas but he catches Akio on the shoulder. Haas hits a shoulder breaker and then goes off the top rope to hit the shoulder again. That gets two. Akio gets put in the corner, counters, and puts Haas in an inverted Tarantula thing. Holly comes over and chops Akio to break it up. Spike then hits Holly with a diving head butt and then hits a Dudley Dogg on the outside in a cool little spot that Hardcore is too Hardcore to sell for more then two seconds.
Meanwhile, Haas beats the hell out of Akio on the inside. He hits a t-bone/exploder with about a quarter of the intensity that Shelton hits it with and then starts stomping every one of Akio’s limbs in another cute spot. Cover by Haas that Spike breaks it up at 2. Akio hits a nice dropkick on Haas and tags in Spike. Spike hits a top rope stomp for two and then they double team Haas in the corner. Akio back in and he does some nice work on Haas. Akio tosses him into the ropes and Haas sunset flips over Akio and tags in Hardcore.
Holly goes NASCAR on Akio. Spike goes in and thinks better of confronting a pissed off Holly and bails. Akio gets slammed and now Spike comes in but gets dumped immediately. Akio gets caught in the Alabama Slam and it is all over. Pretty good match considering Holly is the bane of wrestling fans everywhere.
Winners: Hardcore and the Haas
Big Show takes on Booker T next week on Smackdown. See you next time on SHAVE.
