The Weekly Pulse Anti-News Report

INTRODUCTION:

I haven’t done this in quite some time. I’ve been told that it’s just like riding a bike; you never forget. The thing is that I never learned to ride a bike in the first place. Plus I have a limited amount of alcohol to keep me going/sane whilst I ramble on and on and on and oh god why the hell won’t he just shut up and go away!!! But, hey, don’t drink and drive, etc. Oh, and I am completely hopeless at using this laptop keyboard so apologies in advance for any spelling errors and such like. It’s a snazzy little machine though.

Yes, so, if all goes according to plan I will be periodically filling in for Andy Campbell on the weekend news report pulse sum-up wrap-up cook-book ditty or whatever we’re calling it now. I’d just go with drunken rant and be done with it. Spades are spades and all that. Anyway, Andy had a few brief words he wanted me to include before we go any further. Mr. Campbell has the floor…

“Frickin’ Keith. Anytime Undertaker or Shawn Michaels win a match, Keith bitches because they should be “elevating new talent.” But when Chris Benoit does the same thing to Edge on Raw? Not a peep. Asshole.”

Andy Campbell, solving the world one Canadian at a time. Film at eleven.

Now…

ANTI-NEWS:

“Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem!”

The main news items over the past week or two have regarded some people having the wool ripped from their eye sockets as a few bottom-feeding jobbers-to-the-stars were let go from their WWE contracts. Face facts, there was simply no need for Vince to keep any of these people around. Oh sure, in the wonderful land that is inhabited by the latest breed of wrestling fan to be scientifically classified, namely the Hippie Marks, everyone gets to stay employed. Everyone gets to beat Triple H and headline WrestleMania and sell out Madison Square Garden and prove their worth and, oh, they’re so special, just like me for being cool enough to like them in the first place, bitch, bitch, wah, wah, shut up you irritating fools. Are you so deluded that you think a “save Matt Hardy” petition is going to make the blindest bit of difference? Really, do you honestly believe that Vince will somehow spot this news item online somewhere shortly before he goes to bed, then toss and turn all night long and eventually wake up in a cold sweat with the dread striding through his soul that he LET MATT HARDY GO? Do you actually think he’s going to make an about-turn on that just because a few thousand people with too much time on their hands want to get the odd chuckle from the Matt Facts and then proceed to ignore everything else the guy does? For crying out loud, do you remember Montreal? That got damn near the entire nation of Canada and half of his own company against Vince and he went on TV to essentially tell Bret to stop being such a little bitch! He blatantly Guerreroed his way out of an air-tight case against the federal government then went on to become a billionaire! He somehow managed to get a couple of primetime specials on NBC as part of Raw’s new TV deal even though it goes against all rhyme and reason! At what point in all of this is anybody in a position of power in WWE actually meant to give a f*ck what you think of Matt Hardy? Face it, Kent Brockman was right. Democracy just doesn’t work. Deal with it.

And before any of you petition fools out there e-mail me to bitch about this thing, let me just point out that I’m a Matt Hardy fan. In the 2003 Top 50, Ross Williams and I ranked him at #5 and called him “the most reliably entertaining performer on Smackdown.” He was, as well. But that article was written before reality crashed around our ears. Let me put it to you in a way you might understand…

Matt Facts:

– Matt was always the less-talented one of the team.
– Matt was never meant to get the big solo push, Jeff was.
– Matt would have been released ages ago if it wasn’t for the Lita relationship.
– Matt was a dedicated but surprisingly average wrestler.
– Matt has too much of an accent to ever be widely popular.
– Matt should have been a man rather than whining about it on his blog like a Dawson’s Creek reject (Pacey would never have stood for this shit… and f*ck the O.C.)
– Matt was clearly in the right but was too blinded by emotion to see that he was pissing into the wind rather than pissing all over Edge.
– Matt has taken up too much of my time.

One last thing… if WWE wants to get Edge some added heel heat then they should start putting up Edge Facts on the Titantron during his entrance. Hey, you tell me how that would be any worse than the midget Bret Hart?


“Hello, Simpson. I’m riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.”

Rhyno’s gone! Oh no, however will I cope with this disastrous… oh, wait, that’s right, I don’t give a f*ck. Really, why does anybody? Nobody would even know who this guy is if it wasn’t for Paul Heyman’s spectacularly inept handling of the ECW Title. Practically every single person that watched ECW wanted to see Rob Van Dam with the belt and instead it wound up with this greasy midget, Aldo Montoya and That ’80s Guy? That’s like WWE deciding to just have Steve Austin wait a bit longer back in 1998 and instead give the title to Chyna, Taka Michinoku and Dan Severn… If there was an emoticon for the slow handclap I’d be using it right now… Anyway, back to Rhyno, the man that looked like such a scrubber that he probably slept in his wrestling tights; the man whose WWE legacy will be preventing Chris Jericho from breaking his own neck – twice – at SummerSlam 2001; the man with a permanent expression of slight disgruntlement that only comes from urgently needing to have a really good shit. There was a match between him and Gene Snitsky on Heat not that long ago where Snitsky managed to counter the Gore by stepping out of the ring in a calm and orderly fashion. I believe that sums up Rhyno quite nicely. When Snitsky just ain’t having it, nobody else is going to.


“You couldn’t fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine!”

Molly Holly quit. The one that, really, nobody should be complaining about. But they are! Oh, how surprising. The Hippie Marks strike again. Yes, OF COURSE Molly was going to enrich all of our lives. Yes, OF COURSE she didn’t peak as Mighty Molly before being replaced – and surpassed – by some Samoan dude. I just can’t wrap my head around this. You don’t know her, you’re not her friend, you’re not her family, you’ve probably never met her, you’ve almost certainly never bought a show just to see her… and yet you feel the need to go online to complain about her CHOOSING to leave her job? Why? Why not bitch about something more profound, Bono-style? Hey, at least he’s trying to do something a tad more meaningful with his moans. Go on, stop being a Hippie Mark and just be a Hippie. If you’ve got to moan, moan about something more interesting. Otherwise, do us all a favour and shut the f*ck up.

And yes, I am fully aware of the inherent irony in me bitching about the bitching. But to be fair, I have been drinking. That fully negates me of any and all need to justify myself. Well, that and being Scottish, for we are truly blessed in being Apathetic & Belligerent.

I have totally forgotten what I was about to say there, so let’s just have a picture of Warrior.


He’s REACHING FOR A TOWEL!!!! LOOK OUT!!!

Oh, in case you didn’t know you can download a bit of his college lecture here. Truly, he is unappreciated in his own time.

Actually, I had a dream that Warrior came back and had a feud with The Undertaker. Fuck, even my subconscious is a wrestling geek… I am truly cursed to be here forever… Anyway, it was pretty cool. I was Dr. Who and turned up in the middle of some wrestling arena, Taker was walking back up the aisle after a match and then Warrior turned up in a big fur coat, jiggling his cheeks as only he can. There, that’s the single queerest sentence I will ever type. AND IT JUST DON’T WORK. I can’t remember the details but the rest of the dream involved a night out, a convertible, some kind of rapidly-transmitted melting metal virus and that Fembot from the end of Superman III (who totally freaked me out back in the day). I really wish that I could remember more than snippets of my dreams…

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Molly – The Diva That Would Not Get Them Out. At the end of the day, that’s what it was all about. Like it or not, Vince has decided that he wants his Divas to be ready, willing and able to pose for Playboy and take it up the ass from whatever randy worker wants The Pleasure whilst on the road. For the most part, the audience just wants to stare at boobies anyway, so what the hell, right? The only money that the Divas make comes from those skin-flick DVDs and magazines, so they may as well hire people that are suited for the job. Trish is the sole exception for obvious reasons. Lita? Don’t kid yourselves…


“Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!”

Jesus got fired. I’m sure there is a cheap Shawn Michaels joke to be made here. Feel free to add one of your own; I’m going to put some decent music on. The Winamp Shuffle just isn’t behaving itself today. Seether? Why would I want to listen to that?

Come to think of it, why do I even have it on my PC?

Note to self: stop downloading tat.

Ah, the Ramones. Better.

Anyway, please, all of you, stop bitching and moaning about this. Deal with the fact that at least one of your favourites is likely to be released or quit over the coming year. If Smackdown doesn’t get a decent TV deal once UPN pull out then it’ll only get worse. But don’t – DON’T – start threatening to boycott WWE forever. Nobody buys it. If you care enough to go and make a post or an e-mail about it then you’re stuck. If you’re watching a wrestling company that makes setting people on fire, burying people alive and pouring concrete onto people a major selling point of PPVs, then you’re stuck. If you’re willing to welcome back Steve Austin with open arms and short-term memory loss after he beat up his wife, then you’re stuck in more ways than one. Wrestling is cruel. Business is harsh. Deal with it.

One more thing, quickly. The following are probably the only people on the current Raw and Smackdown rosters that WWE considers to be truly indispensable…

– Batista
– Eddie Guerrero
– JBL
– John Cena
– Kurt Angle
– Randy Orton
– Shawn Michaels
– Triple H
– Trish Stratus
– The Undertaker

That and MAYBE Kane, Big Show, Edge and Rey Mysterio. That’s it. Anybody else had better start polishing up their CVs.


“”I used to be with it. But then they changed what it was. Now what I’m with isn’t it, and what’s it seems scary and weird. It’ll happen to you.”

In other vaguely-defined-as-news-worthy items, John Cena got himself a bling belt. I am sure that some of you are very upset about this and will mention things like “disrespect”, “ugly”, “bastardisation”, and “shameful.” Me, I prefer to use words like “shiny”, “shinier”, “shiniest” and “Kerr-plunk.” For crying out loud, would you just all calm down? Its a little character prop. Big deal. When he drops it to someone else (presumably Randy Orton) then the old-school belt will return and all will be right in the Hippie Mark World once again, even though everything will have been the same all along in the real world. I’m just mildly disappointed that he didn’t melt it down into a chain. Cena has nothing on Kama Mustafa. Actually, Cena has nothing on a lot of people. The mildly disappointing motif is nothing new. He never manages to truly piss me off with his lackadaisical efforts in the ring, his castrated promos or the fact that WWE genuinely has no idea on how to book a face anymore (big hint: watch Benoit and Michaels). He’s just there, distracting me with nothing and capable of so much more that we’ll likely never see. Ah well, f*ck it.


Welcome to the future – Tom Selleck, Ted Danson and Steve Guttenburg…


“I have caught word that a child is using his imagination and I’ve come to put a stop to it.”

In other news, given the recent Raw ratings, the highest of the year thus far, people seem to be digging World Heavyweight Champion DAVE. Well, good for them. And good for DAVE too. The reason for his success is quite simple. People were forced into a position whereby they were going to have to put up with Triple H and Randy Orton for several months to come and, since they just didn’t care about that, they started to get more entertained by the cool looking guy that hung around next to them and occasionally kicked some serious ass in the ring. That’s basically it. It won’t last as long as they’d like, but it is a good indication of what wrestling fans actually want to see as their champion – men, not boys. Or to put it another way – Eddie Guerrero, not John Cena.


Right about here is where I decided to go to sleep. We resume our tale with our bleary-eyed hero having written a wonderfully inadequate essay on the Scottish Association of the Friends of the People and their failed bid for political reform in late eighteenth-century Scotland. ‘Cos, ya know. Stuff. I’m now too poor to get food to eat, have but one beer remaining and for some reason have to fight an impeccable urge to watch Attack of the Clones because Star Wars is the movie equivalent of WWE in that you JUST CANNOT LET IT GO EVER FUCK FUCK FUCK ARGHGHGHGHH. Mental breakdown. Reboot. Play game. Well, I never.

Okay, I’m back. And to think I want to subject myself to another four years of student hell… crazy…


“Look, all I’m saying is, if these big stars didn’t want people going through their garbage and saying they’re gay, then they shouldn’t have tried to express themselves creatively.”

Triple H collapsed backstage with a neck injury suffered during his handicap match on Raw last Monday. Rumour has it that a fat Samoan jumping on your face will do that to a guy. Anyway, once news of this leaked the world stopped turning until it became clear that he was just faking it so him and Steph could hang out in bed for a couple of days and do it like rampant French squirrels in between periodically pinning Chris Jericho for no adequate reason. In other words, things are fine and dandy and you can all look forward to JR defeating HHH on Raw.

And if that happens we’ll have had HBK jobbing to a manager one week and HHH jobbing to an announcer the week after. If this sort of thing continues I’m going to have to say “oooh, what a lovely tea party” more times than I would care to.

Now, if they can get JR to bust out a few DAVE poses in the Garden then I will be one happy viewer. DAVE has many wonderful poses, which have in recent weeks included The Joey Dance and The Cruise Control, in addition to the ever-present Kramer Stumble. AND YET HE’S STILL COOL.

I know, I know, I don’t get it either… Never mind, now that WWE’s creative hotshots are taking an interest in what he does we will all hate the guy by August. Let’s just hope he breaks out into The Big Wiggle one of these days. I have no idea how I came back to talking about DAVE from Rosey sitting on Triple H’s face, but then we here at Hawthornvale are the masters at random connections. My flatmate went from talking about The Rock’s penis to wanting some fish and chips. Random AND homoerotic. IT JUST DON’T WORK!

I’m slightly concerned now.

Hey, Lazlo Bane on Winamp. He would just like to clarify that he is, in fact, no Superman. But do you know who is? This guy…


Hello, I’m Superman

Damn. Damn. Damn. Why can’t this movie be out now? Check out Lois for good measure…


Hello, I’m Belanna Torres

Damn.


“It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”

Your Backlash card thus far…

World Heavyweight Title
– DAVE vs. Triple H

Intercontinental Title
– Shelton Benjamin vs. Chris Jericho

– Shawn Michaels & Hulk Hogan vs. Mohammed Hassan & Daivari

– Chris Benoit vs. Edge

That’s… interesting. Let’s take them one at a time…

The ol’ title-rematch-for-the-PPV-after-Mania thing is quite the tradition now, so I have no idea why people are complaining about it. It’s like needing a crap the morning after a night spent drinking Guinness, hardly something you asked for but inevitable and probably quite enjoyable if you have a good book to read. Of course, at least Smackdown are making an effort in getting around to their rematch courtesy of the Championship Series – even if the fact that Cena has done nothing but humble the Cabinet since Mania does make the outcome quite the foregone conclusion. Then again, DAVE/HHH II is hardly a difficult one to pick. The real challenge will come next month when they need to try and convince people to watch DAVE even if he isn’t constantly beating the crap out of HHH – and let’s all just admit that HHH is one of the greatest heels in the history of the company and be done with it, he deserves that much at least.

I really have no suggestions for what they ought to do short of throwing in Kane for one of Vince’s patented “Wow!! They’re TALL!!!” main events since there are no other credible heels other than Edge, who they really need to build on some more until they are actually ready to give him the belt. What I would suggest is that rather than having HHH stare lovingly into DAVE’s eyes and see a fear of the Pedigree that is blatantly not there (hello? He broke the damn hold at Mania, lifted you up and dropped you like a Hardy Boy! What fear??), he instead tries to utilise DAVE’s obvious affection for Ric Flair as a weak point. They could insert Ric as a referee if they want, or they could just have him hang around at ringside as per usual and then get HHH to threaten to break Ric’s ribs with the Sledgehammer of Phallic Discontent unless DAVE lies down for the pin. An interesting little bit of drama to finally settle the on-and-off moral ambiguity of Ric’s relationship with Hunter and a chance for the fans to finally just cheer the Nature Boy wholeheartedly as they obviously want to do. Ric in HHH’s corner = no good for anybody. Ric in DAVE’s corner = more popularity for the big new babyface champ. It’s not rocket science.

As for the IC division… well, if you expect me to offer up a reason why this belt still exists in an age when nobody believes any of the titles bar the big two hold any sort of credibility or purpose then you’re shit out of luck. Shelton believes he is the best because he’s held the belt for six months? Um, so what? Jericho believes he is the best because he’s held the belt more times than anybody else (he says seven times, I say eight)? Um, so what? It proves nothing except Shelton isn’t ready for the main event and Jericho was unable to stay there. But I’m just grumbling for the sake of grumbling now. SHOCK. The bottom line is that these two should have quite the excellent match with one another. Jericho is as predictable in the ring as what the audience will chant during an Austin promo, but with the right opponent he can still make it work. Shelton is the right opponent and then some. I know many people remain unconvinced of his abilities on the mic but once they turn him heel and let him cut loose with the smug git persona that best suits him then you’re going to realise just how big this guy can be, barring injury. His performance at WrestleMania has endeared him to quite a few who were previously unimpressed with him, and he’s going to make quite the habit of that over the coming year I feel. I just hope they actually turn him heel this time around rather than trying it with Jericho just so they can offer him up as a sacrifice for DAVE at Bad Blood…

That brings us to the tag team match from hell. Honestly, this whole thing irritates me in ways that I have neither the time nor the inclination to go into here and now. Maybe in a fortnight’s time I will. The only thing that I can realistically hope for here is that Davari is the one who gets pinned and not Hassan.

And for the record, here’s a list of alternative tag team partners for Shawn that would have led to a far more interesting match than what we’re going to get…

1. Bret Hart
2. Kurt Angle
3. Marty Jannetty
4. Hacksaw Jim Duggan
5. Mister America
6. Warrior
7. Sid
8. Sylvester Stallone
9. Mr. T
10. Lex Luger

Some of those are better than others but all of them are better than having to watch Hogan waste his One More Match clause for the sake of a PPV buyrate that will not be helped as a result. Here’s the truth of the matter – the only significant added buys that Hulk Hogan could possibly bring in for a PPV will come from casual fans or people that have not watched wrestling in several years, and the only PPV that those people will be convinced into buying when they don’t regularly follow the show is WrestleMania. If they had half a brain they would simply get Hogan and Austin to sign the contract now, give them plenty of time to get in the best shape that they can, and give the bookers the better part of a year to plan their match in more intricate detail than Patterson did for Hogan/Warrior back in the day. Then you have WrestleMania with all the contemporary hoo-ha and the single biggest dream match left available all ready to pull in those reluctant middle-aged white businessmen trying to relive their childhood. In wasting his comeback for the piddling rerun known as Backlash it is doing nothing for nobody except propagating yet more intolerance among people too drunk to be encouraged.

Oh, but I’m going to put the soapbox away now before I break it.

Yes, and that brings me to Benoit/Edge, the pay-off to a storyline that nobody remembers. There isn’t a lot to say about this one other than the standard It Will Be Good, but just a little hint for Edge or for his legal guardian to point out to him – when your character is obsessed with becoming champion, is a cocky arrogant prick of a heel who values his prized possession of a guaranteed title shot more than life itself, you DO NOT LEAVE THE BRIEFCASE CONTAINING SAID TITLE SHOT ON THE ANNOUNCE DESK WHEN YOU GO BACKSTAGE!!!!

Ugh. It’s like Mysterio walking off from his WrestleMania match and leaving his Tag Team Championship belt behind. Futile.


“Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

Your NWA TNA Lockdown card thus far…

Lethal Lockdown Rules
– Jeff Jarrett, Monty Brown & Billy Gunn vs. Kevin Nash, DDP & X-Pac

Number One Contender Match
– AJ Styles vs. Abyss

X-Title Match
– Chris Daniels vs. Elix Skipper

NWA Tag Team Titles Match
– America’s Most Wanted vs. Team Canada

Tables Match
– Jeff Hardy vs. Raven

Death Match
– Dustin Rhodes vs. Bobby Roode

Escape Match
– Michael Shane vs. Kid Kash vs. Chris Sabin vs. Shocker

Challenge Match
– Apollo vs. Lance Hoyt

I… What? All of those matches inside of a cage match? And those six guys are their main eventers? And they expect people to pay for this privilege?

Uh, right.

Look, I am sure that some of you out there really just don’t care for either Raw or Smackdown and prefer to watch indy wrestling. That’s cool. Very admirable, well, unless you are one of those Pretentious Marks that will not speak to anybody that has ever watched Hulk Hogan in action unless they know what brand of toilet paper Alex Shelley uses. Those people just need help. But even if you would rather watch an indy show, does your conscience still enable you to watch this claptrap quite happily? Are you so hypocritical that your testicles shrivel and die at the thought of watching a McMahon dominated product yet you can quite happily be ‘entertained’ by a Jarrett dominated one instead? Do you not realise that there are other indy promotions out there with all the juicy goodness of the X-division and no recognisable forms of politics to sour the product? It is out there, I’ve seen it. So let’s just do everybody a favour and stop pretending that this company is going to achieve anything this year besides getting Monty Brown into WWE and giving Jeff his yearly month off from being champion.

Wake up and quit bugging me or I’ll send Bananaman to sort you out.


What up, bitch?


“Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”

The Road Warriors DVD will be out soon and includes these wonderful little features. I hope that those of you with the money to go and get it enjoy it. Me, I’m still trying to get the funds together to buy the Ric Flair DVD so f*ck you, pretty-boy. It’s good to see they are continuing the luxurious DVD sets though, and let’s not deny the Road Warriors their time in the sun. Regardless of your opinion of their personal or professional behaviour or lack thereof, they are still probably the most iconic and popular tag team that we’ve seen so far.

And just think of the other two-disc collector’s sets that they have yet to even announce. Roddy Piper, The Undertaker, Triple H, Randy Savage, Warrior, Kurt Angle, The Rock, Warrior, Steve Austin, Bret Hart, Ultimate Warrior, Warrior and Sting to name but a few. Now, if they had half a brain they would also start giving classic PPVs of old the collector’s edition treatment. They should definitely at least do this for all of the WrestleMania’s. Vanilla editions can be found on Region 2 but they could do so much better. Throw in promo material, retrospective documentaries, commentaries on the matches (just imagine Hogan and Piper on the main event of WMI), full histories of the feuds, bonus matches (again for WMI we could have the big Hogan/Orndorff match and the Wrestling Classic final) and anything else they could get their grubby little hands on. Release them one per year in November/December just before the Road to WrestleMania hype kicks off and let them rip.

One day, one day…

RANDOM STUFF:

Matthew Michael has his Rankings up for all to see. I don’t agree with them but I’m slowly bending his ear in my direction or something like that. The point is that I am right.

Hatton recently celebrated his birthday by getting excessively drunk and having sloppy drunken sex with his fiancée, of which I have irrefutable photographic evidence. True story.

Gordi is trying his best to be negative but he’s still cute as a button. Bless.

Over in the scary world of the Nexus, the gang convenes for another Roundtable. Actually, that’s last week’s but this week’s one should be up whenever I get around to editing it. What? Isn’t nine hours in front of a PC monitor enough for one day? Would ya just f*ck off????

Nick returned to the Nexus this week with a series of most excellent reviews, including this little summary of Grant Morrison’s JLA.

Hatton filled in for Mike on the Marvel news front, as Mike was off having sex both drunkenly and soberly with his new bride. Unfortunately for Hatton, he had no news to report and so started talking to me instead. For shame.

Tim, of course, did his usual bang up job with the DC news.

DAMN, Spider-Man got FAT. Where’s Donnie Darko when you need him?

Keith gets all gooey-eyed at the prospect of more Star Wars.

Which Transformer Are You? It is truly the question for the ages. Apparently, I’m Ravage. This means I am both black and a pussy. How accurate.

Your ultimate guide to the Warrior comic book. Read it if you can!


Can I have a towel?

END CREDITS:

This column has been brought to you in conjunction with…

– Lack of sleep

– Lack of effort

– Lack of food

– Lack of money

– Lack of lack

– Warrior

AOL IM: KingKongBurnside

Iain Burnside is currently sitting perfectly still while his brain runs a dozen marathons simultaneously…