It’s time for the review that not only is the most viewed thing here at Inside Pulse, it’s the most read thing on the Internet. This is the review that I get 3,000 emails a week. It is bigger than Jesus. It’s got it’s head cryogenically frozen. The review that started the Good Times virus and saved Baby M.
It’s cooler than SIN CITY
Lance Krall is Kip from Joe Shmoe Show
I am James Hatton
This is
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Before we begin – I apologize for not having Wrestling With The Rabble this week due to my weekend being taken by the 24 Comic Challenge (Check out my documentary on it!) and Pittsburgh Comicon prep. It will be back next week. In it’s stead, I give to you a picture of two people with a very important sign sitting outside Wrestlemania.
I just want to thank Howard for pimping me so hard. Good luck. (And I believe that’s PK from the forums – Thanks guys!)
Hey look, Hardy, Molly, and Rhyno weren’t in the opening segment… they never were to begin with! HA! Okay, cheap joke – but that leads to a cheap plug for Iain Burnside’s ANTI-NEWS!
Tonight though we are joined by Coach and JR as Ross is getting ready to face against Triple H.
The rumor is that tonight is going to be the draft, as both rosters are backstage… let’s find out!
Coming out first though is Edge! He shall be facing… Chris Benoit?! Shouldn’t they be saving this for Backlash… oh whatever!
Edge vs. Chris Benoit
Confusing pre-Backlash feud set-up?
Chris Benoit comes in to just start beatings! He punches Edge into the corner, tosses him to the corner, gets the triple germans – and the ‘You Screwed Matt’ chant can be heard resounding from the audience.
Just like that thumb across the neck and Benoit wants to end this quickly.
He, of course, misses.
Edge misses the spear in response! Edge though grabs Chris and sends him head down to the mat for a two count. We move right into the armlock.
Chris fights out of it, and even though Edge looks like he might reverse it.. he gets tossed into a Crossface and they fight to the outside. Edge eats some stairs, and clotheslines over the outside barricade where they fight in the midst of the audience. These guys are fighting outside. This is turning into a DQ which sends us to some kind of Hardcore match at Backlash.
Sgt. Slaughter and Dean Malenko break the apart.
Winner: Nobody at all!
COMMERCIAL
A neat note: Hernandez noticed that the Smackdown table is out there. They obviously recorded Smackdown before this show..
Backstage, some Diva’s were all reading the same magazine when Edge and Benoit come CRASHING through.
“Apparently Dean’s 832nd move didn’t work” – Hernandez
“Oh that’s not the 832nd – that’s the 423rd” – Eric
So Bischoff comes on in and breaks them up and screams near unintelligibly that at Backlash they have a Last Man Standing match. I’m ok with that.
Coming down to the ring right now is Trish looking straight haired and tasty. Trish is here to clear the air between herself and Lita.
“Wouldn’t it rule if Trish mentions Lita and Edge?” – Dani
So here comes Limpin’ Lita. She’s got a crutch and everything.
“She’s gonna pull a Pillman” – Hernandez
“And overdose?” – Me
“Pull a gun?” – Eric
The crowd is going boo crazy on Lita, but Trish absorbs all of the heat – phenominal. The crowd starts chanting ‘Slut’ as Trish starts apologizing for fighting against Kane. The crowd starts chanting ‘YOU SCREWED MATT’ yet again! TRISH TAKES IT AGAIN! Now the crowd is going ‘We WANT Matt’ … Trish gets through her speech.. finally, with the finality of it being ‘Trish respects and Lita’.
Lita doesn’t accept her apology though – but the crowd apparently hates her. Lita chooses that it is time for Lita’s payback and she hits her with the crutch and here comes Kane! Trish is about to be chokeslammed.. and.. here.. err.. comes… Viscera.. who is now a Fac.. no, wait, Kane is a heel.
Viscera!!?!?
“Shelton can’t come out now, they’ve filled their black quotient” – Eric
“..for the month” – Hernandez
Trish smiles as Viscera tells Kane ‘You have to go through me to get to Trish’. He scoops up Trish, gives her a loving kiss on the cheek and heads to the back. For the record, Trish does not seem ok with this.
“Nothing like getting a kiss with someone who has Flava Flav teeth.” – Jenna
COMMERCIAL
In the back, Viscera unleashes the soul glow on Trish. Now Viscera is looking for a… favor…
“Get me a donut” – Hernandez
Trish wishes to keep things strictly business.. now Viscera likes to mix bi’ness with…
“Ebonics” – Hernandez
“If they have a storyline where they sleep together.. I’m leaving.” – Dani
At this moment they kiss, if only because he’s got Trish by the hair. She does not look thrilled.. would you?
Coach’s response to this is .. ‘YOU GO BOY!’
Coming down now though is our Tag Team Champions! Their opponents is.. Romeo and.. Antonino.. THE HEARTTHROBS?!!?!?! They come out in feather boas and the look on Regal and Tajiri’s faces are priceless. They do a little dance and a weird chain bit.
“They are the most awesomely gay duo ever!” – Dani
Regal is in the ring with one of the girls.. he tosses him into the ropes, but eats a flying cross body for a two count. Tajiri gets tagged and guy #1 does the crane technique at him. He gets an armlockc on Tajiri and they reverse it back and forth a bit.
“Wait! QUEERING DON’T MAKE THE WORLD WORK!” – Dani
“But they totally don’t need a towel” – Me
“They are so bad, they are genius” – Dani
Tajiri tags in Regal and gets a double chop, but guy #2.. who is.. ROMEO! Ha, charges him into the corner, and now the tags between the two. Antonio is in the ring, he snapmares Regal, headlock and another tag. Romeo beats down Regal, grabs a two count, another tag and Regal gets tossed back into the team’s partner.
Tajiri comes in, and Romeo is not set-up right so he misses the back spinkick. So Tajiri saves it fairly well, goes after both – catches the back elbow on Antonio and the pin.
The Heartthrobs though are taking it to Tajiri and beating him down, and they hit him with what assumedly is their finisher – a double rock bottom.
COMMERCIAL
“I am confused as to what I just saw” – Hernandez
“Yeah, but we should drink…” – Me
So now we are all drinking, a non-standard Raw feature.. let’s see if it shows as the show goes on.
So backstage Ross is whining about having to fight this match. Ric and Trips watch on with chagrin. They are waiting patiently for Batista to show up.
Sadly, Hassan is also backstage… Dani runs in to scream
“GET A TOWEL!” – She then bowed.
Akbar (aka as Jen puts it Khadafi Duck) bibbles on in another language – but the Todd Grisham wants to know if they are afraid of Hulk Hogan. No, he’s not. Not even Hulk can save him.
Back from the break, here comes Muhammad and Akbar.
“Think we could get Sabu to come in and just kill him?” – Eric
Now isn’t it kind of stupid that he gets the match versus Hassan this week when he was denied it for the payperview?! Oh well here comes.
“Shouldn’t Shawn be like… the manager of the Heartthrobs?” – Eric
SHAWN MICHAELS vs. MUHAMMAD HASSAN
Hogan Interruptus
Shawn runs in to scare Hassan out of the ring, he comes in and they fight it out til Hassan leaves the ring AGAIN. The crowd is doing the Hogan chant as Hassan comes back into the ring. They lock up, and Hassan gets the upperhand. They fight in the corner, fists and kicks from Hassan – he charges and eats some boot.
Hernandez and I believe that Hassan should have the shoes with the curl in the boot. Michaels goes after Akbar, but as we know… IT’S A TRAP! Hassan pulls him into the ring, head first. Shawn gets tossed against the ropes, and stops before he bounces – instead he tosses Hassan over the top rope.
COMMERCIAL
We’re back with Shawn chopping Hassan in the corner. He tosses him against the ropes, and ducks – which means double ax and an elbow/bulldog hybrid. A neat Atomic drop/backdrop hybrid – and there is lots of hybrids. The crowd is watching and even taking photos of something off camera.. and Shawn fights his way out of a chinlock and hits with the flying crossbody aaaaaannd.. long tease for the kickup.
Shawn goes Christ-Wild hitting everyone, climbs to the top aaaaaaaaand… HITS the elbow! I hear a Jesuskick.
“The choir is singin'” – Hernandez
Shawn gets to ‘S’ on the Jesuskick, but Akbar climbs the top rope and grabs his hair. He eats a bodyslam, and Hassan gets up in time to hit his finisher – DQ as Akbar goes and starts beating on Shawn, they throw him over the top rope, wrapping one of the headpieces so they are literally HANGING Shawn when..
“..it comes crashing down and it HURTS insiiiiide!” – Hogan’s music.
Hogan noggin knockers, big boots, and Shawn charges in to help clear the ring. He puts on Hassan’s bandana.
“YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT’S BEEN!?” – Jenna
Shawn dances along like a little schoolgirl, does the two fingered point to Shawn – they hug – we get some Hogan pimps the audience momentum (which honestly, I’m marking for over here) – he gets Shawn to do the Hogan stylings. AND THEN SHAWN SUPERKICKS HIM!!!!!
..no.. heh, I had you for a second.
Okay, so they pimp a lot… a good 5 minutes worth. Tandem audience listening. Flexing. Praying. Hugging.. And ass-patting.
“Next week Shawn’s coming out with a shoe polish beard.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL
Oh.. hey.. chris masters… He has an awesome entrance. I mentioned that last week – something is sticking out of his shorts.
“A tampon” – Me
“The list of spots for the match” – Jenna
Actually it’s the money for the $1000 challenge. My vote is still WARLORD! Masters stutters a bit as he challenges.
“Taz?!” – Eric & Hernandez
Masters finds a man in the audience though. Some obvious plant that looks like Christian’s little brother. His name is Roman. Hernandez points out that we’ve seen this guy at Indy shows here in New Jersey… (IPW & NWS) so that’s kinda neat. The ref, in order to be fair pockets the money.
“..and runs.” – Me
“That’s how Teddy Long started” – Hernandez
Masters locks it in, and Roman is out. Hernandez points out that Roman has been doing some security work, and he’s been a druid. WHICH LENDS CREEDENCE to the RabbleMania where I commented that one of the Undertaker’s druids looked like Christian.
Well, good luck Roman – you keep getting your ass kicked, you are doing it for the love.
COMMERCIAL
So they mention the next Diva search again.. but more importantly.. SIMON SYSTEMS!
Simon is in the ring and ready to wrestle, but he is interrupted by Shelton! Wait a second, who the frig is the face in this? I guess Shelton gets to be the face.
SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. SIMON DEAN
Ic Titl…
..wait.. here come Jericho!
“That man can grow a beard in a day.. that’s so weird!” – Eric
So Y2j tells him that it’s been signed at Backlash that they will be fighting for the IC Title. Chris is going to sing us Fozzy’s newest hit “Shelton Benjamin is a little bitch” and we notice that Jericho’s got the words written on his hand.
Well Simon takes advantage and goes after Shelty to start the match and end the song. (Which admittedly wasn’t that good). Simon climbs the top and flying cross body drops him. Simon puts him in a chinlock – Shelton fights out, but gets hit again. Simon keeps control with doing the push-up chokes moved into a chinlock.
Shelton fights up and out of it, misses with a clothesline and eats an elbow for a 2 count. Another hold spot with a crossarm chinlock. Shelton fights up and gets a great backbridge suplex for two. Benjamin hits the backbreaker, a knee lift, a Stinger splash, a standing t-bone/powerslam, a pin.
Winner: Chris Jericho
COMMERCIAL
Smackdown Rebound: Guerrero, Angle, Cena, Spinner Belt, CJ AMBROSIA!
Oh and hear comes Christian!!!!! He grabs the mic and the peeps have been upgraded to the Christian Coalition! He heard the small response for Hogan.. but did HOGAN beat Benoit last week? I didn’t think so..
HOLY CRAP – HERE COMES VINNIE MAC!!!!!! The crowd is going nuts!
..maybe not.. but I am!
Vinnie hates people that come out and talk talk talk and say nothing.
“Has he MET his son-in-law” – Me
Vinnie refers to Christian as a CLB. He also refers to Stone Cold as his Nemesis. He’s out to discuss the frigging draft, THANK THE LORD!
THE DRAFT WILL BE…. ….in a month. CRAPPITY CRAP!
Christian claims that he wants to go to Smackdown to beat Marky Mark’s ass.. cause THAT’S HOW HE ROLLS!
So next week, since Christian thinks he’s main event material – he gets a shot at Batista.. NEXT WEEK! (Woo!)
“Vince McMahon drops a smokebomb and disappears” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL
Backstage with Triple H it’s… TODD GRISHAM! They pimp out the Pedigree for awhile. Tonight JR eats one. For lack of anything better for the video editing guys to do – they’ve made a Pedigree movie. (With the Drowning Pool version of Trips sign)
Apparently the Pedigree is the Truth..
“What the hell does that mean?” – Dani
“..no idea..” – Me
JR is walking to the ring.. alone.. dejected.. Batistaless..
“He looks like Viscera ate his last donut” – Me
COMMERCIAL
It’s time to play the gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame. *yawn*
His opponent, from Oklahoma… it’s JR. *yawn*
TRIPLE H vs. JIM ROSS
…why bother Main Event
JR does do a nice sell of looking for Batista behind him. He climbs in the ring and seriously just looks like a dejected puppy. Wiping his nose.
The bell rings and Trips just walks around him. Trips sizes him up like a glory hole volunteer. Hunter looks like he’s going to TALK this out, which just doesn’t seem ok. He goes for the handshake … wait for it …
Ross refuses to shake it, and Trips seems to understand by punching him in the gut. A punch to his face.
“Think Hunter can slap the palsy off his face?” – Roommate Randy
Hunter picks him up and another BIG hit to his head, and JR crumples. Hunter grabs him, but JR gets one punch in, and Trips is completely stunned! I have to say, Ross sells like a damn master! He just falls over!
Ross is busted open, obvious blade job – Hunter just rips him open moreso. Hunter rips JR’s shirt and continues to punch him in the forehead, spreading over that blood delightfully. You know what, if I was JR – -I- would be pissed at Batista too! Hunter wraps Ross’ belt around his neck – and.. HERE COMES LAWLER!
“They are summoning Andy Kaufman” – Hernandez
“Hernandez wins tonight with a Kaufman reference.. I mark for Kaufman references” – Me
Lawler goes to save JR, andn Ric goes to stop him – but Trips stops Ric to Pedigree Jerry himself.
“If I was Ross – by now I would ask for my Christmas present back from Dave!” – Me
In the back Batista hops out of the limo (in which he was driving?!?!) rips off his shirt and comes charing down to the ring.
“That’s totally unfair, Trips has faced TWO MEN!” – Randy
Batista beats the hell out of Trips, beats the hell out of Ric, eats a chair from Hunter. Hunter puts him in the Pedigree, but Dave reverses it! Dave with the chair LAYS OUT Hunter. Hard! Dave absorbs the fan support, then drags JR onto Hunter. With a big ol grin on his face, lets JR get the win.
Winner: BATIST… I mean.. GOOD OL’ JR!
Dave does the thumb up, and he amazingly NOW HAS THE BELT?! (He didn’t run in with it)
Final opinions on the show:
“Where’s the set-up for Backlash?” – Eric
“Cute finisher, but same.. where’s the beef?” – Hernandez
“Ahhhehhh…no sir I didn’t like it” – Jenna
“I looked at lingerie at Hot Topic” – Dani (I WIN!!!)
“I looked at new red shoes” – Laura
“Christian and Trish stole the show – period.” – Me
This has been the MSG spectacular draft… oh, fine.. at least now I know that the draft is next month and I can stop falsely claiming that it’s going on next week.
NEXT WEEK: THE DRAFT.. see you then.
