“I can only hope that once Aaron Cameron’s face is put through these (Inside Pulse photo) filters that his forehead is not even further enlarged, as such a phenomenon would pose the very real risk of the rest of the page being swallowed whole.” -Jeff Fernandez, The Saturday Swindle Sheet #89
Welcome back to The Bootleg. For my college-aged readers, this is the home stretch of your year. Finals are about a month away, hell”¦some of you might even be bound for the 2005 Mortarboard World Tour. Graduation! Well, congratulations if you’re part of this group. And, what better gift can I give”¦than the gift of wisdom.
See”¦while you think that you’re all grown-up and free from the ties of the teacher-student servitude, the reality is that in the work force, there’s still a little bit of Toby that you can’t see. But, it is there”¦and I’m gonna show you where:
Two weeks ago today, I left Stately Bootleg Manor and arrived at the office around 6:30 AM. I worked through lunch and savored the salty shrapnel at the bottom of a box of Cheez-Its for my mid-day meal. I didn’t get home until midnight. The following day (Saturday), I worked from 7:00 AM to 6:00 PM and on Sunday, I worked from 7:00 AM to 3:30 PM.
We’re not talking about the typical student double-shift at Hot Dog on a Stick. This was the kind of pain and agony one usually gets only from eating at Hot Dog on a Stick. (For God’s sake, people, it’s fried cheese and $3.00 pulp-loaded lemonade”¦Simon Dean would not be pleased!)
Care to share my agony?
The Lost Weekend I reference revolved around a HUGE proposal effort. We’re talking dollars that equate to the actual worth of Alex Rodriguez or the sycophantic sense of self-worth of Curt Schilling.
My contribution was a 180-page contracts volume, which I completed a couple of days ahead of schedule”¦or so I thought. The following day, I get a voice mail from the proposal manager telling me that my title page is wrong because I used an old template.
Impossible.
This was my biggest proposal ever, so before I handed it in, you can bet that AJC was down with OCD. I triple checked it. Remember those “crossing the street” safety videos with the upright Irish dog (or Scottish”¦whichever ethnicity is hairier) in the raincoat where they’d tell you to “look left, look right, then left again”? Well, that was me”¦and no one I know ever bothers with that that third superfluous look.
I checked again and my templates were fine, so I called the Manager back and left him a message.
Five minutes later, he calls back to tell me that he was sure that I had an older version for my title page and it needed to be changed. Then, he looks in my volume and finds out that he was wrong and I was right.
Do you think that would be the end of it? Nope. He told me again that he was SURE he saw the wrong template, so he was going to try and find it.
What the f*ck? My version was the right one! But, now he’s going to waste time trying to justify his original phone call to me by trying to find the incorrect template version”¦that I didn’t use to begin with!
An hour later, he sends me an email saying our proposal editor must’ve fixed the file after I sent it.
Christ.
Even after I told him that I sent the right one…even AFTER he confirmed it by reviewing both my hard and soft copies of the document…he still wouldn’t admit that he was wrong and tries to tell me that someone else fixed my mistake…that I never made.
So, welcome to the workforce, kids! It’s the only place where you’re wrong, even if you’re right (not counting the Republican Party). If only The Goodness had such a catchy slogan”¦
Homer Phobia
This past Tuesday, retired (HA!) rapper Jay-Z launched his debut line of high-end watches under the Audemars Piguet banner”¦which is surely French for “upper crust Casio”.
The product line is made up of a mere 100 watches and each one comes with a price tag of anywhere from $24,000 to $100,000. The wrist wear is designed to celebrate Jigga’s 10 years in the rap game and is available in stainless steel, rose gold or platinum.
‘K”¦let’s recap: that’s three zeros to the right of the comma for a stainless steel watch. Still, this is only the second most shocking steel-related surprise I’ve seen in recent years. I believe it was The Simpsons that outed the entire steel industry from the closet in an episode that aired during Season 8.
Although, now that I think about it, Steel had gone gay a few years before that.
It’s Everybody Gets a Day Day
Fellow Inside Pulse writer and Las Vegas resident Mathan Erhardt often claims that his community has no culture. It’s hard to argue when it was revealed that the city and Mayor Oscar Goodman had planned “Diddy Day” in honor of rapper, raconteur and Renaissance man, Sean “P. Diddy” Combs.
And, as if (the original) Sin City’s credibility hadn’t entirely crapped out”¦Diddy was a no show for his own damn day.
So, you produce a few songs that get spun at Spearmint Rhino and for this you get a “day”? Quick”¦can someone kick start Kelis’ career? If she hurries, she might not miss The Mayor’s “Milkshake Monday”.
All kidding aside, here in California, “Diddy Day” would still rank ahead of “Cesar Chavez Day”. See, when every state celebrates your birthday, it’s a holiday. When seven states celebrate, it’s just a day (without quotation marks).
And, besides”¦everyone knows that Meldrick Taylor was robbed by Cesar Chavez and that crooked referee. Yet, we give him a day.
The Overweight Lover is No Longer Viscera
The unlikely comeback of Heavy D continues as his musical career has taken him behind the boards for production work with artists like Beanie Segal and Will Smith. At the same time, Heavy’s acting career has miraculously survived the sitcom drive-by that was The Tracy Morgan Show.
Heavy D will play a depressed Vietnam veteran (aren’t they all?) named Dale Jackson in Medal of Honor Rag. The stage play centers on Jackson and his relationship with a New York psychiatrist. Hmmm”¦can I assume that the original title was Forrest Gump: Lieutenant Dan’s Point of View?
The show is slated for a six week run up in Los Angeles beginning June 1. That doesn’t leave much time for rehearsals and ol’ Heavy is publicly referring to this gig as “the most challenging role (he’s) done to date”. It’s hard to argue when the man’s résumé includes eight episodes of trying to sound “Blacker” than Michael Rapaport on Boston Public and singing the opening theme to In Living Color.
Sure, we were all laughing along 15 years ago, but would you want to be associated with The Wayans Brothers in 2005? I mean, did you see White Chicks?
Next thing you know, Chris Rock is making fun of you at The Oscars. And, when the man behind Pootie Tang is mocking you“¦
Boola Boola, Bitch (Yeah, I Know That’s Yale’s Fight Song)
Remember the scene in Old School where Snoop Dogg performs at Mitch’s frat house party? Well, apparently the stuffed shirts at Harvard University didn’t want their evening with the D-O-double G to end with Frank the Tank’s bare ass jiggling through the student union.
The school has cancelled an on-campus performance from fellow Ivy Leaguer Smoker, Snoop Dogg, with administrators standing by the standard excuse of “surprise” and “shock” at an entertainer’s lascivious lyrics.
Personally, I think we can trace all this hostility to the 2001 Redman and Method Man movie How High. The whole “Hip Hop meets Harvard” thing was made to look pretty bad. Of course, that’s not to be confused with “Beth Littleford” bad, which was more closely tied to the terrible 10 episode run of Method & Red.
Well, who else can we blame for this?
I’m not sure what’s scarier”¦her halogen lamp hooters or the fact that the number of her chins is actually inversely proportional to the number of pounds she’s packing, overall.
Sometimes the News Just Writes Itself
Quoth Springfield’s own Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby, “I’m not paying you to talk.” Still, Pamela Anderson has teamed with PETA in targeting Jennifer Lopez for her continued public preference for fur-based clothing items.
Earlier this week, Barb Wire called J-Lo “an idiot” for using fur so prominently in her latest line of clothing. Not stopping there, the former Tool Time Girl accused Selena of looking “fat” on the cover of her latest album.
And, I’m just guessing that Pamela didn’t mean “fat” in the way that Gaylord Focker used it to describe Lil’ Kim in Meet the Parents“¦y’know “p-h-a-t”. She had to mean “fat” in the way that Aaron Cameron uses it to describe Lil’ Kim in The Friday Music News Bootleg“¦y’know “f-a-t”.
In a magazine interview, C.J. Parker is quoted as saying “People who wear fur smell like a dog in the rain.” Yeah”¦those people are called dogs, Stripperella. Meanwhile, who’s protecting us from “Pamela Anderson in Stacked“? I bet those sci-fi conventions/autograph sessions are looking pretty good now, aren’t they Christopher Lloyd?
As long as you don’t mind third billing under your old DeLorean and K.I.T.T.
Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
Unfortunately, I’ve been out of commission so I didn’t have time for much of a contribution, but in the meantime check out some of my favorite tracks of 2005 so far”¦
Buckshot-Ain’t No Comparison (produced by 9th Wonder)
I always been a huge fan of the Bootcamp, in general, but then I heard they were hookin’ up with 9th Wonder for a whole album. This has the potential to be like Stoupe’s resurrection of Canibus on Rip the Jacker.
Papoose-Charades
Hot track blazing up the airwaves right now. Put on by the drama king himself DJ Kay Slay. Can he keep this kind of material comin’?
Beanie Sigel-Look At Me Now
Reviewed the album last week, was really feelin’ the whole thing. This is one of the few solo tracks on the disc so he really gets to shine.
Mobb Deep-Cobra Clutch
One of those Mobb tracks that drops out of nowhere with no album. Find it on a mixtape before it disappears so you don’t have to waste money on some lame soundtrack or compilation album that these always find their way onto years later.
Saigon-The Color Purple
Saigon blew up on the mixtape circuit last year and released this song late in ’04. If the next track is as good as this (and with Just Blaze behind the boards) this kid is gonna blow up in ’05.
Ol Dirty Bastard- Pop Shots (produced by Premier)
ODB and DJ Premier together at last? This actually came out at the end of 2004 as part of the Osirus Mixtape but it’s still getting burn in my car.
Nas-New York Who
How this was left off of Street’s Disciple, while other questionable stuff was kept on is beyond me. He pretty much disappeared after the album came out.
What happened to him?
General Haberdashery”¦’80s Ballplayers Edition
My name is Aaron and I’m an African-American baseball fan. There are only two of left, y’know. While you may have thought there were more, the reality is that it’s just me”¦and James Earl Jones. I can understand the confusion, though, as Jones has created the illusion that there are more of us simply by playing every Black bleacher bum ever found on film.
He was Terence Mann in Field of Dreams. He was Mr. Mertle in The Sandlot. He was Mr. Mertle in”¦The Sandlot 2?!? This can’t be happening. Jones has officially fallen to fourth in the latest credibility balloting of “Original Star Wars Trilogy Actors Whose Faces We Never See”:
1.) The voice of Yoda/Fozzie Bear
2.) Nick Salemi (as R2D2)
3.) Mark Hamill (whoops, wrong list”¦he’s on the “”¦Actors Whose Faces We’ve Never Seen Again.”)
Jeff Fernandez is Hispanic”¦from Chicago”¦and he died on December 27, 2003. Just like former White Sox OF Ivan Calderon! The Messiah critiques the funhouse mirror that is his face, along with an eerily accurate attack on my forehead. There are also pics of Black men in lime green and Billy Joel’s wife. One of them is naked. I won’t say which.
Jiggy Walker (Google that name, kids) has a thing for Kelly Clarkson and Gwen Stefani. He also won’t stand for crackers jacking his “bananas”. And, is that a Lee Majors reference in his column? Someone had better tell Harold Baines to gimme back my gimmick.
Gloomchen is going to Milwaukee this weekend”¦home of the Brewers. She’s an easy first ballot Hall of Famer with a (real) first name that she admits is a little unusual here in 2005. The IP photo filter was not kind. This week, she’s got the Michael Jackson jokes that Leno and Letterman couldn’t say, along with a little solicitation to her readers”¦for advice on a bunch of things. Oh, you thought”¦? You nasty.
Open Mike Eagle = Doc Gooden n’ Darryl Strawberry? Rookie of the Year candidates, one and all, as Mike writes the best piece on Hip Hop that’s graced this site in”¦hell, when did we launch, last August? And, if you grew up in LA (like me) you really need to read this. Hey, “Mike Eagle” is his real name! Widro owes me a Coke.
Ssquared is still trying to find work in New York a la Billy Martin”¦off and on, back in the day. This week’s “Stuff” is full of rapid-fire one-liners of laugh, too. A random sampling of the subject matter: New Jersey hookers, white folks stealing and, my favorite line: “”¦ever heard of a redneck from Connecticut?”
Just one, Shawn”¦just one.
J.A.M. = the fourth in the line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.
J is for Movie Joe Reid. The Original Friend of Flutie gives away the ending of three movies in one newsbyte”¦charts the Vegas odds of superstardom for eight actors with big roles in 2005″¦and debuts his blog (mere days after I debuted it for him last week!) And find out why he won’t be invited to the 411 Music Sadie Hawkins Dance this year”¦
Oh, and be sure to check out Movie Joe Reid’s brand new blog. He pontificates on the Pontiff and mocks 5’6″ 56-year-old Doug Flutie for bringing his glove to a ballgame. And, rightfully so.
A is for me.
M is for TV Mathan. For the first time in the history of IP TV (tee hee), the adjective “gully” makes its long-awaited debut. Meanwhile, the merits of E! True Hollywood Story and VH1 Behind the Music are debated, with Math wrapping up by spoiling a pair of secret McDonald Land links from last week’s Bootleg. Bastard.
That’s a paddlin'”¦
Junk Mail
Lots o’ pieces of Goodness from y’all after last week’s column. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. I was worried that two weeks away from the Internet Writing World would’ve had my readers finding a new way to spend their Fridays. Instead, it seemed that every other email began with”¦
Glad to have you back! I loved the “Ask a White Person” feature and, if I can quote a certain show I think you’ve seen once or twice: “It’s true! We’re so lame!” I know it’s all in good fun, though and I also know that you’re an equal opportunity offender. So, if I can “Ask a Black Person” something: Can you explain the unexplainable fame of Bernie Mac?…L.E.
Yep. It can all be found on The Kings of Comedy concert DVD. He brings down the house with R-rated rants on discipline, parenthood and speech impediments. His three co-stars all had their own sitcoms at the time, but here was the funniest of the lot, seemingly “undiscovered”.
But, much like the average athlete who gets the big money free agent contract for one spectacular season, Mac has been mediocre as a network TV/PG-13 shadow of his former self. So, he’s his own shadow”¦? Good luck tellin’ those two apart.
===
Welcome back from your unpaid vacation from your unpaid job. Loved the Ask a White Person piece, so I hope you can take as good as you give. Nick’s intro on Ralph Wiley has me thinking if you can explain him away? The only 50-year-old sportscaster that we want to hear talkin’ “Black” is Jim Rome, dammit. Come on”¦I’ve never met an African-American that talked the way he wrote”¦B.S.
Tell you what”¦I’ll explain Ralph Wiley, when you explain the inexplicable popularity of Jim Rome, Skip Bayless, Woody Paige and Bill Simmons. You first.
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Believe it or not, you and Nick have at least ONE female fan! Even though I only “get” about half of what you guys write, the stuff I do understand is always funny and the stuff I don’t is always made up for with pictures of Baby Bootleg. So, do you have room in your target demographics for 20-year-old white girls who know something about rap and wrestling?…N.K.
Are you kidding? If you’ll allow me to quote directly from IP Movies Zone editor Steve Coogan (straight off of our super-secret staff forums):
“I get excited when girls read our web site.”
We all do, Steve. We all do.
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Much love to Nick for his on point review of the new Beans album. It seems like y’all don’t review as many rap albums on the site as you used to, so keep ’em coming through the bootleg if you have to. I’m really hoping he writes up on the new ones from Fat Joe and Common. Keep The Goodness comin'”¦P.A.
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Life With the Bootleg Family
The Bootleg Family has found God. And, wouldn’t you know it”¦he was at church.
For the first time with Baby Bootleg and for only the second time with the wife, I spent last Sunday at Service. I know, I know”¦but, it’s not like I’m not a religious guy. It’s just that the NFL starts their Sunday games at 10:00 AM out west, while Michael Irvin starts yelling at us on the pregame show at 8:00 AM.
So, you can appreciate my problem, right?
Unfortunately, I haven’t thought of a comparable process to explain away my heathenism during baseball season, so at 10 AM, I sat at attention as church had begun. Whoops, check that”¦as Black church had begun. Now, I know you’re probably thinking this is where I mock the differences in our services and you’d be right.
The Music: Every African-American service has to start off with a “visiting” kids’ choir of some kind. Here in San Diego, they’re always from “L.A.” I guess they sounded OK, but I couldn’t help noticing that every song they sang was nothing but hook:
I’ll never forget the day I fell in love with Jesus
I’ll never forget the day I fell in love with Jesus
I’ll never forget the day I fell in love with Jesus
I’ll never forget the day I fell in love with Jesus!
That was it. The same chorus over and over. It was like Nate Dogg meets The Nativity.
The Women: Sweet Georgia Brown”¦forgive me Lord, but the church booty you invited to worship you was just ridiculous. I’m tellin’ ya”¦if you can’t find a woman, just find God”¦he’ll find one for you.
Short skirts, long legs, high heels”¦? Check.
More curves, thick hips, soft lips”¦? Check.
Light skinned, light eyes, a little ass, might “pass””¦? Check.
Of course, I don’t advise holding onto your 14-month old son for the entire Service. Yeah”¦not gonna get much play with that unless you leave the wife at home or think of a better way to be “single” and/or “widowed” for the day.
The Clothes: We happen to live across the street from a Catholic church. Here in California, it’s not all that shocking to see people roll up in cargo shorts and polo shirts. Now, there’s no dress code at a Black church”¦but, maybe there should be.
Are y’all familiar with a football? Good ol’ predictable pigskin? The guy sitting next to us had an entire suit made from the stuff, with a floor-length suit coat and matching fedora! I am NOT making this up. I’ve already exhausted my one Nate Dogg reference or else I’d use it again here.
And the Reverend? He was bedecked in baby blue from head to toe. Literally. Even his shoes, people. And the brutha was glossy. That’s not wacky urban slang”¦I’m telling ya, the preacher-man had single-handedly salvaged The Shiny Suit Era. At about 5’9″ and 250 pounds, he looked like a cellophane sack of cotton candy with a chocolate center.
No sightings of Sister Peter Marie, though.
Someone tell Matthew Michael that I’ll send my picture later this weekend. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
