Previously, on Desperate Housewives:
In life…you can’t change what has already happened…or who people really are.
Mama Mayer is visiting but perhaps staying, Carlos forces Gabrielle not only to sign a post-nuptial agreement, but also into the arms of John the gardener, Mike’s boss is going to use all of his money to help Mike find the elusive Dierdre, and Bree and Rex both learn that Andrew thinks he might be gay.
Every morning as she went to take out her trash, Lynette Scavo would engage in a little daydream, the details of which were always the same. One day, her nasty neighbor Karen McClusky would keel over and die. And her home would be bought by a lovely Swedish family with two adorable twin daughters. The families would form an everlasting friendship, culminating in their daughters marrying her sons at an elaborate wedding the Scavos wouldn’t have to pay for. Yes, Lynette enjoyed her little daydream, but Mrs. McCluskey always had a way of pulling her back to reality.
We see Lynette’s daydream in action, but Mrs. McCluskey is alive and well and is taking the Scavo’s garbage cans. Lynette stops her from doing so, and Karen explains that she just figured that Lynette didn’t want them anymore since they’ve been sitting out on the street for two days. Karen insults the color of the house while she’s at it and Lynette fires back with an insult of her own. Eventually Karen goes off in a huff, but Lynette turns her back just long enough to hear a moan of pain from Karen, turning around and watching her fall to her hands and knees as she’s trying to crawl back to her front door. Lynette seems somewhat worried, goes to get the door but Karen isn’t even close.
For a brief moment, Lynette was presented with an interesting choice of options. And though she knew she’d hate herself in the morning, Lynette chose to do the right thing.
So Lynette calls for an ambulance, but Karen doesn’t want to come alone. Lynette tries to weasel her way out of it, but Karen complains that she’s scared and Lynette once again chooses to do the friendly thing. Karen says that she doesn’t want to die with only strangers around her, but Lynette assures her that she won’t die. Karen doesn’t see how Lynette can be so sure.
Of course, Lynette didn’t respond. How could she tell her neighbor that some dreams were just too beautiful to come true?
And as the ambulance pulls away from the McCluskey house, Lynette watches the Swedish family wave goodbye.
You’re watching Desperate Housewives, with closed captioning sponsored by Ford.
Life is a journey, one that is much better traveled with a companion by our side. But sometimes we lose our companions along the way, and then the journey becomes unbearable.
At the graveyard, Mike’s boss Noah is staring sadly at a picture of Dierdre as Mike himself arrives to ask what’s going on. Turns out that Dierdre is dead; her body was stuffed inside of a toy chest. Oh, wow. Dierdre was identified through her dental records and it turns out she had been dead 15 years, which means all that time and all that money was wasted on a girl who was already gone. Mike is shocked, sitting down next to Noah for a moment as he explains that he has to bury his baby, and was looking at the different kinds of tombstones. Mike wants to get Noah home, but Noah tells him that there’s a cop who wants to see Mike. This is the same cop that got Mike off the hook for Mrs. Huber’s murder, thanks to Noah’s money, and with this cop’s help, Mike will get some information on leads in the case of Dierdre’s murder. Oh man. Mike and the Young family are starting to connect together now. And of course, with Julie in love with Zach that just complicates things even further.
Moving along to Camp Hennessey, as Rex and Bree discuss what to do with their maybegay son, as Rex wants to keep Andrew at the camp for at least three more weeks. But Bree thinks that with 200 other boys in the camp, some crazy stuff might happen. Rex suggests that this might all be a phase, and Bree thinks that that is reason to bring him home, put him into Christian counseling and keep it from becoming a lifestyle. Rex calls Bree on being “freaked out by the whole gay thing”, but that’s just the way Bree is. All Rex wants is for Bree to be cool, and Bree and Rex see Andrew coming out to talk with his parents, and Bree says that she can be just as cool as her husband. So after Rex hugs Andrew and tells him that it’ll be good to have him back, Bree gives a hug of her own and tells Andrew that she’ll love him even if he’s a murderer. Although in a roundabout way…he kinda is.
Back on Wisteria Lane, one of the Scavo kids wants the ice cream line to move, and Susan notices the source of the problem. She walks up to the ice cream truck and tries to pull his mother away from the ice cream man, who’s laying it on pretty thick to get Mama Mayer. Susan tries to get through to her mother, telling her not to flirt with the ice cream man. Sophie is trying to move on with her life, and suggests going clubbing with her daughter to “pick up some hot guys.” Susan is less than enthusiastic about the idea, and I would be too, only I don’t think that Susan is aware just how much of an “ass” she makes out of herself.
Mrs. McCluskey is back from the hospital and at the Scavo’s door, but Lynette is rather surprised at how quickly Karen got back. Turns out Karen OD’d on her arthritis medication. “One pill, I can open a jar; four pills, I’m face-down crawling for my life.” Karen gives a tiffany lamp as a gift to Lynette for not letting her die on the lawn, and Lynette is being modest but Karen then gives her an awkward hug. Lynette tries to cut the whole thing off, but Karen invites herself in and starts babbling.
Carlos wants to sleep in a bed again, but Gabrielle will have none of it as the only way that he’s getting back in a bed is either by going to a motel or tearing up the post-nup. Carlos thinks both options are unreasonable, since it’s the only way that Carlos can be sure Gabrielle will stay faithful to him. Gabrielle won’t budge, though, so Carlos decides to cancel Gabby’s credit cards and take away her debit as well, thinking that once Gabby sees how good she’s got it, she respect Carlos more. Carlos can earn respect by tearing up the post-nup, but Carlos just wants his pillow now. Gabrielle makes it clear that if Carlos ever hurts her again, she will kill Carlos. But Carlos makes it clear that if Gabby ever leaves him for another man, he will kill her. “Boy, with all this passion, isn’t it a shame we’re not having sex?” Well, if Carlos knew the truth there wouldn’t be a lot of passion, just a whole lot of mourning.
And now, a word from our sponsors… Pretty solid start to the episode with Lynette, Bree and Susan kinda dragging behind but Gabrielle and Mike are picking up the slack, and the return of Noah makes me happy. I hope he beats the cancer.
John is making out with Gabrielle, but Gabrielle isn’t really responding much. She’s still unhappy with Carlos and the marriage in general, but that’s just because she feels like she’s out of options. There was always a plan B, but there’s nothing now. John tries to make himself the Plan B, but Gabrielle reminds him that the new rule is for John to stop pretending that they have a future. John suggests that Gabby just walk out, but Gabrielle will be broke then. Of course, if she sticks around, she’ll just be controlled by Carlos. And now, with no credit cards, she’s married to Carlos AND unable to shop. John tries to cheer Gabrielle up with some more lovin’ but Gabby doesn’t think she’s much fun tonight and goes to leave, but John hands over his student credit card to Gabby. Turns out John makes some pretty good money, and it’s his dream to take care of Gabrielle. Gabby doesn’t want to keep a young man from acheiving his dreams…and immediately pounces on John.
Lynette is busy, but what else is new? Lynette tries to take one step out the door but Karen is right there, with a batch of avocados and wanting to make a batch of guacamole. But Lynette has a ton of errands to do–that’s okay, Karen needs to drop by the pharmacy anyway. Lynette doesn’t really have time today, but Karen can do it tomorrow. Lynette can’t, and Karen mentions that Lynette can’t spend two minutes with her, but she has no problem taking the McCluskey tiffany lamp. So Lynette returns it, claiming she doesn’t have a place for it. But Karen goes sour again, walking away after a snide comment.
Susan is going downstairs in her panties, but a man is there massaging Sophie’s shoulders, surprising Susan. She wasn’t expecting someone up at a quarter to 1:00, as Mama Mayer goes into a description of her night with Tim, who introduced her to the Dirty Volcano drink, which sounds like the most disgusting thing ever even though I don’t drink. Susan tries to take his mother into the other room, but Tim here’s the word “mom” and flips out before Susan can finally pull Mama Mayer away before the “she looks young” thing gets out of hand. Susan doesn’t think Sophie should just bring strange men home in the middle of the night, but Sophie fires back by blaming Susan for not being supportive of her with her break-up over Morty. Sophie tries to take a stand and say that Tim will leave when she says so, but Susan pulls out the trump card, saying that if Tim isn’t gone in five minutes, she will reveal how old Mama Mayer really is. That does the trick, naturally.
Mike is in a dark, dark parking garage, and he meets the dirty cop, Sullivan. He hands over Dierdre’s file, and Mike goes to thumb through it, as Sullivan laments about handing over a confidential police report to a “killer and drug dealer”. Mike tries to walk away, as Sullivan asks if this is what the world has come to, with apathetic men walking the streets? Mike says that he’s done his time, but Sullivan calls him a piece of garbage and suggests he didn’t serve enough. Mike gets back in Sullivan’s face and challenges him for being a bought off homicide detective, but Mike turns his back and Sullivan whips out his pistol, whipping the hell out of Mike and giving him a kick and another pistolwhip before explaining the coverstory: The file is misplaced, and if even a whisper gets back to Sullivan, Mike Delfino is a dead man. “And for God sakes, don’t get blood on the file.” Pretty hard after you just beat the crap out of the fileholder.
And now, a word from our sponsors… Gabrielle and Mike are still good, and Lynette is getting slightly better. Still don’t care about Susan, though.
Gabrielle is dining at a fancy restaurant…when President Keeler from 24 gives her a nod. What a random guest spot that is. Pretty sure he was on Eyes recently as well. Anyway, the credit card has been declined. Turns out the credit card was cancelled, so Gabrielle asks for a moment, the waiter leaves and Gabby uses this time to call John. John says there was unusual activity on the card–Gabrielle bought shoes–and John’s mom was concerned about the activity, so John blurted out that it was stolen and his mom cancelled it. Gabrielle doesn’t know what to do, as John suggests returning the shoes and paying with the shoe money, but Gabrielle is finding John hysterical at this point as the waiter returns. Gabby looks uneasy, but then looks back over at President Keeler. Aw, poor guy. Gets seduced into the check and then has to have Jack Bauer cover his ass with haphazard results.
A UPS man has a package for Karen, but no one is answering and Lynette has to sign for it. So Lynette drops it at her doorstep and rings the doorbell, running away quickly.
President Keeler, or Sam if you prefer, is chatting with Gabby as the meal comes to an end. Sam says that Gabby made his day and asks for another date, but Gabby is honest and tells him that she’s in a relationship right now. Sam still offers to cover the check, and Gabby feigns not wanting him to, but Sam hands the card to the waiter, who gives Gabby a look before taking off.
Rex thinks this is going to be a disaster, and “this” is inviting Andrew to dinner…with Reverend Sikes. I guess this is the Christian influence Bree was thinking of. Andrew looks somewhat upset by this, as the Reverend gets very blunt about Andrew’s gayness and launches into a lecture that is cut to the end. Andrew doesn’t hate himself, however, so he doesn’t need to find Jesus or anything like that. The reverend says that is door is always open if he needs to talk, and Bree just can’t leave it at that. She criticizes the Reverend for just giving up, but Sikes explains that he can’t force Andrew on the path of righteousness. Bree can’t stand back and watch Andrew date boys, though, and Rex gets into it, saying that Andrew is comfortable with who he is, so it is their parents’ job to support them. Andrew is happy with that, but Bree is so angry that she blurts out Rex’s secret. “He makes me beat him with a riding crop and I let him. It’s no wonder you’re so perverted, look who your parents are.” Bree and Rex leave the table, and Andrew tells the reverend they should do this again sometime, as Sikes looks plenty uncomfortable.
And now, a word from our sponsors… Gabrielle drops off quite a bit, but Bree makes up for it, as it’s always fun when Bree reveals Rex’s secrets. It’d be perfect if Gabrielle gets caught with Sam, however.
Susan is arriving home, and Sophie skips up to her car, as Mama Mayer understands why Susan was so angry with Sophie and hated her. Susan denies this immediately, but Sophie explains that she hasn’t included her daughter in the fun. So Susan and Mama Mayer are going on a double date. Susan doesn’t want any part of this, but Sophie can’t cancel. Susan suggests that they just call and cancel…but Tim and his buddy Lamont from the box factory are already here. And Lamont brought peppermint Schnapps. Pretty sure the writer of this episode is giving a nod to Lost there with the box factory reference, the former employer of one of the show’s most popular characters, John Locke.
Lynette arrives home, but notices the package is still sitting on Karen’s doorstep. So she talks with Tom about it, and her husband just suggests that she suck it up and go visit her, since even if she does get sucked into conversation with her, if she doesn’t, Karen might just be dying away without anyone to help her. Lynette is damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t. That isn’t helping her, though.
Carlos is enjoying a nice bath, but Gabrielle interrupts to parade her new shoes in front of Carlos. Carlos asks Gabby how she managed to do that, and Gabrielle explains that she doesn’t need Carlos’ money or his credit cards, but she does need his respect. Carlos won’t rip up the post-nup, but Gabby suggests that he does, because she can just walk right out the door. She’s a pretty girl, and pretty girls are never lonely.
Sophie, Tim, Lamont and Susan are all together on their double date at the Mayer house, as Lamont downs a shot of Schnapps. Susan is the only one who’s not having fun, and Lamont repeatedly tries to get on Susan’s good side, but it’s not working. Tim is groping Sophie something fierce, and Susan just wants to call it all off for the night. Sophie is ready to go clubbing, however, and Tim and Lamont lead the way as Susan complains to Mama Mayer about what she’s doing. Sophie is trying to help her, but Susan doesn’t believe that and even if she was, it isn’t helping. Susan knows that Sophie is the one who is trying to have fun and Lamont just needed a date. Susan tells her mother that she doesn’t realize her daughter is devastated, and it’ll take more than Lamont to fix it. Mike was the one, and Sophie doesn’t understand that. Whatever. Total soap opera stuff, not the reason I was interested in this show.
And now, a word from our sponsors… Totally cutting myself off from Susan, Mike is non-existent at this point since he hasn’t had a segment to himself…Gabrielle’s kinda interesting still, but not really. Lynette might get interesting if Karen turns up dead, and I want to hear more from Bree.
Lynette walks into the McCluskey house, finding Karen just sitting there. She hasn’t been taking her arthritis medication, which is why she couldn’t answer the door. Lynette offers to help, but Karen says that she’s fine. Lynette tries to walk off, but Karen then makes a cry for help with the pills. Turns out there’s childproof caps. On arthritis medication. Doesn’t seem quite right, considering that they’re for an old lady. Karen doesn’t want Lynette to feel obligated but Lynette says that’s what half of life is about. They don’t have to be friends, but Lynette can help Karen out once in awhile. And Lynette decides to take the lamp after all, and she’ll be back tomorrow at 9:00.
Bree is looking through a photo album and wants Andrew to join him. It’s baby pictures of Andrew, but Bree turns it into a discussion about his birth. Turns out the umbilical cord wrapped around Andrew’s neck, but Bree told the doctor to be concerned only about the life of Andrew. So when Bree says that she’ll die for him? She means it. Andrew tries to break this awkward moment, but Bree once again begs for him to go see Reverend Sikes. Andrew wants to get away from this, but Bree brings up the argument that if he doesn’t change his ways, he might not go to heaven. Andrew buys into that, as Bree tells him that she needs him there in heaven, so Andrew agrees to go talk to Sikes. Bree gives him a big heterosexual hug, as Andrew looks uneasy and slightly angered by this whole ordeal. Good stuff.
Mike’s face is banged up, but he tells Sophie he fell down the stairs as Mama Mayer arrives at his door. Sophie cuts right to the chase, revealing that Susan still loves her. Mike doesn’t have time to think about Susan. Mama Mayer tries to get Mike to help still, but Mike just can’t. And so Sophie gets the door closed in her face, and we stay with Mike as he looks through the file, including a list of owners for the toy chest. He stops on Paul Young. Nice.
And now, a word from our sponsors… That was inevitable, but it was still nicely done on Mike’s part. Bree is interesting now that Andrew seems torn between heaven and homosexuality, and I don’t care about Lynette, as it seems to be resolved. Note: During this commercial break I saw the latest ad for Old Navy, butchering Young MC’s “Bust A Move”, a hip-hop classic. They’ve gone too far, the bastards.
Andrew is talking with Reverend Sikes, as Sikes swears confidentiality before talking with Andrew. “I lied to my parents. I’m not gay.” Turns out Andrew just used that as a ploy to get himself out of Camp Hennessey, and it worked without a hitch. Sikes wants to get this straight, and Andrew creates a metaphor for loving vanilla ice cream but wanting to try chocolate sometime. The reverend suggests that Andrew sticks with the vanilla, as that would be God’s wish, but Andrew doesn’t believe in God. Reverend Sikes figures that Bree will be devastated, since she has been praying hard for him to change. But Andrew will be changing in a big way. Andrew then talks about Bree saying he won’t go to heaven unless he’s straight. Sikes tries to cover by saying that Andrew should repent for his sins. But Andrew has formulated a plan for getting back at Bree. He’s going to be a good boy, and make Bree believe that he’s her little angel, but when she least expects it, Andrew is going to unleash something so heinous that it’ll rock Bree’s world and totally devastate her. And when that happens, Andrew won’t have to repent for his sins to know paradise. Andrew gets up, tosses the bible back to the Reverend, and walks off.
Yes, life is a journey, one that is much better traveled with a companion by our side. Of course that companion could be just about anyone…a neighbor on the other side of the street…
Lynette visits Mrs. McCluskey, as they clearly aren’t friends.
or the man on the other side of the bed.
Carlos rips up the post-nup and Gabby invites him into bed.
The companion can be a mother with good intentions…
Bree shakes hands with the reverend on their way out…
…or a child who’s up to no good.
…and Andrew sarcastically compliments the Reverend as well, behind Bree’s back.
Still, despite our best intentions, some of us will lose our companions along the way. And then the journey becomes unbearable.
Susan and Mike both go to get mail and look at each other, both of them longing for the other.
You see, human beings are designed for many things, but loneliness is not one of them.
Finally, Noah sits in the graveyard again, and looks at Dierdre’s picture.
End show.
Can’t wait to see what Mike does with Paul. And Andrew’s surprise for Bree? I have no idea, except that I don’t think it’s about Andrew being bisexual.
