The Weekly Pulse: The Gatekeeper’s Guide to Movies
Hi everyone. Sorry about missing last week. I was so over-worked that the Guide could not have possibly been done, and if it had been done, it’d have been a joke. I hate, hate, HATE missing a column, but I hate putting out a piece of junk even more. So when this week came along and it looked likely I wouldn’t have time again, I informed Coogan, who nodded with understanding. He then picked up my Inside Pulse Contract and took out a lighter. He held it under the contract and told me, in almost a sweet, motherly way that if I didn’t produce this week, my job would go up in smoke. **Note: The aforementioned contract burning may have been completely fabricated by the columnist** So, here I am. Time is tight, but I’ll do what I can to make this half-decent. A LOT of stuff will be trimmed down or missing this week, and for that I’m sorry. Only a few more weeks and then (I assume) all the time I need for this shtick. As usual, thanks for sticking around. ^_^
Real Life is Damn Entertaining
The Catholic Church elected a new pope this week. Everyone was up in arms over the pontiff’s Nazi past, as he was a Hitler Youth. A lot of people say he didn’t have a choice in the matter, but even more people, particularly those who live in the village he grew up in, are claiming that the kids were given a choice. They also claim that these particularly kids took quite a pleasure in their actions. Make of that, and its truth, what you will.
Also, some claim that this pope is merely a transitional figure, while others hope for some big changes. I don’t personally care too much, but I’ve come across three very interesting pieces of news:
1) The Pope supports, and is supported by, Opus Dei. You can read all about that little Catholic sect here.
2) The Pope has a little bit of a history with some of those not-so-nice-to-children priests. Check out that interesting piece of news here.
3) A little less realistic news, and a bit more fun to think/talk about. Ever hear of the Prophecy of Malachy? No? Well, maybe you should familiarize yourselves with it. Apparently, St. Malachy had a vision many, many years ago about every Pope that would ever run the church. They’re considered forgeries today by a lot of people. Yet, they’re still influential enough to give some people the willies. Here is something to think about, at the least.
You Mean Inside Pulse Talks About Stuff Besides Movies?
Turns out we do.
Wrestling -Vinnie Mac doesn’t expect much out of Cena and Batista. Jerhico’s contract is up soon. Matt Hardy is still fired and Lita is still a whore.
Games – Well, look at that. Wrestlemania XXI for X-Box sucks?? Jade Empire is just average? No freakin way!!!! Ah…..I love the game zone.
Music – I’m not a big music guy at all – I listen to a little bit of everything. But if YOU are big into this kinda thing, you’ll fit right in with this crew.
TV – Survivor and the Apprentice coverage like no one else. Plus news on American Idol, 24, and more. Also, it looks like A&E is going to continue spreading the 9/11 lies.
Sports – I don’t do sports, but these guys do, and they do a hell of a job too.
Comics -These guys make me want to start collecting and reading comics again. A fantastic section that you’d be hard-pressed to find better elsewhere.
Figures – Grown men play with/collect dolls/figures. And you do too. So read them, because they’re a very fun section of our site. Can’t say I’m excited for Napoleon Dynamite figures though. That movie just sucked…..
News You can Use – And We Abuse
You know the deal by now. J. Kern and myself take most of the news from the week, post it here in one easy-to-find spot, and then commentate on/make fun of/rip it up. This week, since we’re pressed for time, we’ll only be taking the top three most interesting stories this week.
Two More All-Stars Join Da Vinci Code Cast
Sir Ian McKellen (The Lord of the Rings trilogy) and Alfred Molina (Spider-Man 2) will join The DaVinci Code for director Ron Howard and producer Brian Grazer. Sony/Columbia Pictures is releasing the adaptation of the international best-selling book by Dan Brown about a symbologist named Robert Langdon who is in a race against the clock to try to uncover the clues hidden in many works of art. They all will add up to a secret conspiracy hidden in the church for thousands of years.
Hanks will star as Langdon. Molina will play Bishop Arigarosa, who becomes curious with Langdon’s quest while McKellen will play Sir Teabing, a rich man who helps Langdon but has his own ambitions to uncover the Holy Grail. Audrey Tatou and Jean Reno round out the cast.
Norty: This definitely seems like the best, most inspired casting yet.
Kern: Feh. They need to add Peter Scolari before i give a flying frig. i refuse to watch another Tom Hanks movie until they reunite the Bosom Buddies! Come to think of it, they’ll have to go all the way before i plop down nine bucks to see this dog. If they make Tom Hanks a crossdreser living in an all-female co-op who happens to stumble onto an enormous Catholic conspiracy … i’ll consider it.
Norty: That’ll never happen. Why does he need to become a cross-dresser?
Kern: BECAUSE IT’S FUNNY.
Norty: But it’s not a comedy…
Kern: Bosom Buddies was the pinnacle of American television. You could do worse than follow in its footsteps.
Norty: You could probably do better too…..what do you think of the casting of Doc Ock and Magneto?
Kern: i’ll pay nine dollars to see Doc Ock and Magneto in DaVinci Code, but only if they actually play the characters Doc Ock and Magneto.
Norty: As interesting as THAT would be, it isn’t happening my friend. Trying to keep you on topic here, do you agree the casting has been a bit flimsy but these two are a good call?
Kern: i’m irritated that whenever American films are set in Europe, there’s a pool of, like four people they go to for locals. Don’t get me wrong, i LOVE Jean Reno and Amelie was one of my favorite movies of the last several years … but are they the only actors left in France since Gerard Depardieu went all Brando on us?
Norty: Good question. Many fans are pissy about that too. You raise a damn valid point Kern. One thing I have to ask though……CAN YOU ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION I’VE ASKED YOU?!
Kern: Ditto Sir Ian and Molina. McKellan can’t be the only Brit willing to stoop to genre work, can he? Let the man get some art films in between all these crap pieces. i’m not sure if a knighthood is revokable, but if he does another sci-fi picture before he does some Shakespeare, i think we’re going to find out.
Kern: i’m sorry … what was the question?
Norty: ….i hate you. Anyway, this film is going to explode next year, and while McKellen may not be making the art films you think he should, I foresee good things coming to all of those involved with this project, miscast or not.
Kern: Are you familiar with the concept of gilding a piece of poo? It looks shiny and golden … but at the end of the day, it’s still a piece of poo.
Norty: Yeah, except I don’t believe this is a piece of poo. At all. Where as you think everything is poo, these days anyway.
Kern: The DaVinci Code was the worst pile of crap to make bestseller lists since the Atkins diet. And i hope, like Atkins, poetic justice is visited upon its author. You remember what happened to Dr. Atkins yes? Heart disease, i believe was the cause of death. With any luck, our new Pope will have the Opus Dei … deal … with Dan Brown.
Norty: That pile of crap has spent many, many, many weeks on the top of the best seller list. If it was crap, word would spread and it would have fallen. Instead, that ‘crap’ is still up there. People are sheep, sure, but not that many people for this long.
Kern: Constantine cleared $200 million last week, did it not?
Norty: Globally, yes. Is the NY Times best seller list inclusive of global books? I was under the impression it was a North American type of thing.
Kern: MY POINT is that there’s a lotta crap out there making a lotta money.
Norty: Your point sucks.
Bay to Remake The Hitcher
Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes production company (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Amityville Horror) plans to remake another horror film, recently picking up the rights to The Hitcher. The project will be setup at Focus Features’ Rogue Pictures.
The original told the story of a teenager who picks up a hitchhiker from hell. One of the things that will change in the remake is potentially making the protagonist a female. A writer is expected to join the project shortly.
Kern: Wow … another Michael Bay movie featuring an ineffectual damsel in distress. What are the odds?
Norty: Well, his last one was about a family in distress. But, then again, it did center a lot on the wife…
Kern: One of the hard-won lessons in life i’ve learned is thatif a movie starts with a producer or a star and eventually gets around to finding a writer, it will suck.
Norty: I see. I cannot disagree, as I sat through Amityville. **Shudder** But tell me, are there any exceptions to the rule?
Kern: My new pitch. Bad Boys 3. It stars Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari as cross-dressing cops who live in an all-female co-op…
Norty: Again with the cross-dressing. Why get rid of the Fresh Prince and his Clown of a partner?
Kern: YES! Thank you for confirming my supposition about Bad Boys. White people think Martin Lawrence is the wacky sidekick; black people think Will Smith is the wacky sidekick…
Norty: I don’t think that’s wacky so much as coked up nutty…but what do I know? And I’ve never, ever thought of Will Smith as “wacky”
Kern: That, my dear, dear friend … is why you will never be mistaken for a black man.
Norty: Well, no complaints on my end.
Kern: The black community at large appreciates your restraint.
Norty: I see. You speak on its behalf?
Kern: As Cy Sperling was once wont to say … “I am also a member.”
Norty: I see. So how does the community feel about Michael bay?
Kern: We do not approve. Of course, at this point, i’m speaking in the Royal We as opposed to speaking for the black community. i’m pretty sure they think he’s the bee’s knees.
Norty: Yeah, so I figured. I mean, I did it to review it, but why do people keep giving this guy tons of money for crappy films? Friggin sheeple
Kern: Of course, the equation changes completely if they got Rutger Hauer back for a decent-sized role.
Norty: Why does Rutger Hauer completely change the equation? And, hell, what is the equation?
Kern: The equation is Rutger Hauer = Hardcore.
Norty: And Michael Bay should be more hardcore?
Kern: Michael Bay would brown his trousers just being in the same room with that much hardcore.
Norty: I just don’t follow the logic of this discussion…
Kern: Don’t worry your pretty little head about it. Just take my word for it.
Brooks Talks Spaceballs
With the massive amount of interest in Star Wars today, it should come as no surprise that there is also renewed interest in Spaceballs, the famous Star Wars spoof. For those who may not remember, Spaceballs was the creation of Mel Brooks, a hillarious mocking of anything Jedi, Wookie and Yoda, that was released a solid decade after the original George Lucas film. It was announced in January that Brooks will be returning to the world of ‘The Schwartz’ with a Spaceballs cartoon series.
BFC Berliner Film Companie has partnered with Brooksfilms and MGM Domestic Television Distribution, a unit of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. (NYSE:MGM), to create the show. According to Contact Music, Brooks told Maxim Magazine that he would love to come back and reprise the voices for the characters he played in the film. Under the agreement, BFC and MGM will produce an hour-long pilot and 13 half-hour episodes of the series.
“There’s an animated Spaceballs TV concept in the works. I told them I’ll be happy to look over the scripts and do some voices. I’d love to play President Skroob – he’s the perfect president – or Yogurt, the sweet little spiritual, magical man”, he says. “I’m crazy. I’m liable to get into that make-up again when I record the voice – just to get back into the character. Okay, now that would be stupid.”
Kern: Mel Brooks is a genius. i love Mel Brooks. Mel Brooks is one of the cornerstones of my sense of humor. i wish Mel Brooks would retire and not do comedy anymore.
Norty: I love Mel Br……wait what? Why?
Kern: His capacity to amuse me has abandoned him utterly. Somewhere between Young Frankenstein and Spaceballs, he just stopped being funny to me. He was overtaken by people younger and funnier (namely Zucker, Abrahmas and Zucker, who ushered in a whole new level of cinematic comedy – sadly leading to the likes of Sandler and Schneider, but waddaya gonna do?), but continued on his measured Catskills pace.
Norty: So you didn’t like Dracula: Dead and Loving It?
Kern: …
Norty: Who’d have thunk. So you don’t think Mel can bring any sort of gold to this…erm, series?
Kern: He is, sadly, paralleling Lucas’ poor artistic decisions. Jorge should’ve just well enough alone with the first trilogy, but he milked the franchise and has cranked out two (hell, let’s be honest – there WILL be three) awful sequels. As funny as Spaceballs may or may not have been, a sequel will be about as welcome as a deep tissue massage from Jar-Jar Binks.
Norty: Well, it won’t be a direct sequel. It’ll be an animated series with at least thirteen episodes on television. Which, and I’m unsure, may or may not compete with the Star Wars tv show.
Norty: I don’t know when that one is launching though.
Kern: Did you hear me? DEEP TISSUE MASSAGE. JAR-JAR BINKS. You gonna quibble details with me?!
Norty: I’m just saying that maybe it shouldn’t be assumed worst case right away. I mean, it is possible it could be good….
Kern: About as possible as the following words coming from my mouth: “Mmm … Jar-Jar. You know, i had thought that your amphibian hands and grotesque onscreen demeanor would make for a torturous experience. But it turns out that you’re quite the masseuse. And, you’re a great conversationalist to boot! Who would have thought that you’d have such a nuanced perspective on the Arab-Israeli crisis?”
Norty: Hey, you can call your comedic buddies whatever you like. I don’t judge. If they’re good with the hands, good for you.
Trailer of the Week
Will not be seen this week. Sorry. I know this is one of the more popular parts of the column, but I just didn’t have the time to get it together. I know, I know, I’m a hack. I owe you a good one for this, and I don’t forget that kind of thing.
Reviews We Sit Through – For You!
Kung Fu Hustle – Rob “Badass” Sutton saw this and has dubbed it the best comedy of the year so far. He also gave it a near perfect score. Read him to find out why.
The Amityville Horror – I saw this, I reviewed this, and this sucked a lot of money out of my pocket (Treated a friend). Basically, this movie is awful. That’s all I’ll say here.
State Property 2 – Scotty Sawitz reviews this gangster movie, and walks away really, really disappointed.
The Year of the Yao – Travis Leamons reviews this documentary/buddy comedy and walks away feeling all warm, fuzzy and NBA-like inside.
What Is It? – Mr. Mondo Culto himself tries to answer that very question. He admirable succeeds, as I’m turned off of the film without even watching a trailer for it.
On DVD
Orgazmo – Michaelangelo McCullar calls this one of the funniest films to come out of the late nineties, and that it should be a ‘no brainer’ to add to your collection. He then went and stole an Orgazmatron to try to get people to…like him.
Elektra – Mike McCullar checks out another one this week, and you thought Daredevil sucked? It has nothing on this. What? Sometimes there’s nothing else for me to say.
Errol Flynn: The Signature Collection – Travis Leamons says Errol Flynn is the man, and gives ample proof to back his statement up. He drops a perfect ten on this gem of a collection, so check it out.
We Even Do Columns!
Rob Sutton looks at the Bad Ass (Formerly known as BADASS) film The Magnificent Seven. See what happens when you take an awesome Japanese movie, Seven Samurai, and remake it as a Western. Well, read what happens, in Rob’s awesome column this week.
Mike McCullar has another Perfect Flick for you this week. Where Scarface left off, this film begins. It’s got a good script, good actors, and Christopher Walken. Walken makes almost any film perfect. ‘Nuff said.
Brad Torreano returns this week for Mondo Culto XXI. Twenty-one, wow. He contributes a Star Wars “Rip Off Report” that is pretty damn cool. Honestly, I don’t know what else I can say about it, except that you should read it. Now.
I write two columns weekly (usually) – this one, and a column about trailers. Check it out if you haven’t yet, as some people think it’s kind of fun. No, really, they do.
Rob Russo continues to Set the Trend. This week, he talks about the awesome-ness that is the one and only Will Smith.
Features
Brandon has something cooking for the end of April. Stick around…….
The End
Well, that’s a wrap. I know I’ve been saying this a lot, but real life can be busy/hectic/sucky sometimes. Sometimes for many weeks in a row. Sorry again for the trimmed down content, but know I hate giving it out like that. As soon as things settle down, the column will return to normal.
Thanks, and….
Until Next Time…
