The Smackdown Short Form, 04.23.05

In Memoriam: Sir John Mills. Phenomenal performer, patriarch of an acting family, and a man who demonstrated an incredible range of talent in his roles. Truly an actor’s actor.

Oh, damn, is evening shift hitting me hard this time. Dunno why; I’m usually good with the transition. Of course, coming off a week’s vacation beforehand didn’t help matters any. And what didn’t help matters for this column was PWTorrents temporarily going down for repairs. Fortunately, the bigger sites had Smackdown available, but I didn’t start getting it until I woke up at one in the afternoon on Friday. That meant having to do this column after I woke up on Saturday afternoon, hence the delay.

Wednesday was in the shithole thanks to a little overtime that I was grateful for (I needed to pay for the gas to get to and from Chicago somehow), but there was only one news item that I was really interested in, and that was our new Pope. I just KNOW that Ratzinger went into the conclave knowing that he had this one in the bag and was going over names mentally from the moment JP Deuce’s death was announced. “Hmmm, Benedict sounds cool, doesn’t it?” Dude, it’s half of the name of a breakfast entree. As for his actions, he’s the guy who pushed JP Deuce into an ultra-conservative mode, so much so that he can be branded a reactionary. It’s guys like him that have caused me to become a lapsed Catholic. So, no, I don’t approve of the choice, but I relegated myself to the fact that the next Pope would be someone of his ilk due to the reversion of the Church into ultra-conservativism over the past decade or so. I just didn’t want the symbol of that movement to be enshrined. Well, his reign is going to be short, but his policies will live on for at least a couple more papal reigns. The reign of Benedict XVI is going to less of a reign and more of a continuation of the status quo.

Okay, that’s that. Let’s just move on to Smackdown…

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

The Big Show versus Booker T, Triple Threat Qualifying Match (Double DQ, High-Quality Speaker Boy/Angle-ference): TBS’s professionalism has been questioned in the past. In this match, though, he showed that he’s a veteran and a true pro wrestler. A few years ago, he would have never sold for Booker the way he did here. The only problem was the intense foreshadowing that Angle and High-Quality Speaker Boy put into the ending. Subtlety is a virtue. Too bad it didn’t work, and the Triple Threat was changed into a Fatal Four-Way. Of course, that’s the way to go to balance out the face/heel sides.

Someone needs a reality check

Angle’s contemplating a bit of Brown Sugar with Paisley

“Tonight, on Crossfire…

Well, that’s a big ass…

Good man, Booker, for selling TBS’s kicks

And here we have the traditional “TBS throws his opponent across the ring” spot

And here we have the traditional “TBS gives the big boot to his opponent” spot

And here we have the un-traditional “Five-hundred pound guy gets an uranage” spot

Matt Morgan over Some Jobber (Pinfall, spinning side slam): What a surprise, another Big Guy introduced by WWE via a jobber match. As a lot of people have been saying, the template here is Heidenreich, with a touch of Goldust to boot. Wanna bet that Heidenreich gets turned face in order to wrestle Morgan soon?

Matt Morgan’s back. Huzzah.

The match we’ve all been salivating for

Gee, Morgan can do the big boot too

The Big Show and Booker T over Kurt Angle and High-Quality Speaker Boy (Pinfall, TBS pins High-Quality Speaker Boy, chokeslam): Didn’t like this one for two reasons: 1) Too much TBS/High-Quality Speaker Boy and 2) The schmozz at the end was simply for crowd pops. Very formulaic match, including the Angle walk-out. Guess it was just a “camera time for the boys” match combined with a pimp for the Fatal Four-Way.

Ol’ Pancake Hands strikes again

Booker gets the hip toss on Angle…

…and Angle responds with a German

How thoroughly Angle of Angle

High-Quality Speaker Boy gets the backdrop

Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro over Rey-Rey y Eddy, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Nitro pins Rey-Rey, side slam double-team pancake, New Tag Champions): Oh, my God. Johnny Nitro, tag-team champion. Let me overdose on K-Dawgs right now. Dear God, help us all. Well, you got your Eddy heel turn. Hope you’re happy that it comes with an MNM push.

Okay, their entrance is great, I have to admit that

That’s an invite if I ever saw one

Rey-Rey gets a kick in on Johnny Nitro

Is that any way to treat Eric Bischoff’s former assistant?

And that’s no way for Mercury to treat a former WWE champion

Rey-Rey with his patented second-rope moonsault on Mercury

John Cena over Orlando Jordan, Champion versus Champion Match (Pinfall, F-U): I didn’t like this match when Cena had to drop the US title in order to win at Wrestlemania, and I didn’t like the repeat. This is the very definition of a “Who Cares?” main event. Let’s hope that next week will be better. And, no, I’m not planning to read the spoilers that 1bullshit Junior already has up.

Cena proves that white men can jump

Cena indulging in his favorite offensive move: punches

Nice blown bulldog spot there, guys

Jordan decides to give Cena a little rest

And you thought that High-Quality Speaker Boy was the only one in this mix who could do a clothesline

Angle Developments:

Cabana Boy: Thanks to my various vacations, this is the first time I’ve been exposed to the Cabana. I must say that the format certainly is fit for Carly. He’s quickly turned into one of SD’s best promo guys, and giving him his own spot for set-up promos works just about as well as Jericho’s on Raw. So “creative” can do some things right.

Your host for the Cabana

I’m from Chicago. Like I haven’t seen Mexicans versus Puerto Ricans before.

And As I Thought Above…: Geez, I never expected them to turn Heidenreich face this quickly in order to face Morgan. It actually embarasses me that I wrote something like that in re the Morgan match. But using Lombardi to do it…that was f*cking bizarre, even for WWE.

Oh my f*cking God, it’s Steve Lombardi

Well, at least he kept his heel credentials intact

And I’ll keep my heel credentials intact until next week. Due to lack of Impact, I won’t be participating in the Lockdown Round Table. So I’ll end up seeing you on Tuesday. Enjoy.