Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Moo and Oink, now with three Chicagoland locations for beef, pork, and soul food including chitterlings.
I am convinced that whomever the person is over at Arby’s headquarters that thought putting apples and grapes in chicken salad would be a good idea, must either have been (a) stoned beyond belief with the mega-munchies or (b) pregnant and craving really oddball culinary mash-ups. Who else would honestly find such a thing to not be absolutely repugnant? I was in the 24-hour drive-thru with some friends at the Arby’s near my house at around 5am, wanting a Beef n’ Cheddar with some potato cakes. Now, mind you, I was so drunk and hungry that I probably could have eaten my shoe covered in horseradish, but I still recoiled in horror at the thought of that abominable chicken salad sandwich.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (FINGERS’ BIRTHDAY EDITION)
Yesterday was Fingers’ 29th birthday. In honor of this momentous occasion, the InsidePulse music staff was all flown in to Widro’s house in New York where we partied like it was 1999…
That_Bootleg_Guy showed up first, with one of those snazzy beer hats. He also brought an entire bucket of slightly clammy chicken from El Pollo Loco, and a bunch of baby photos… OF HIMSELF!
After hunting Fingers, Widro, and myself down on Myspace, Shawn M. Smith showed up with pictures of all of us, our heads grafted onto the bodies of different farm animals. Methinks he’s seen that Smoothie Mix Skittles commercial one time too many.
Mathan Erhardt does not drink, so instead of bringing a case of beer or a bottle of liquor like the rest of us did, he brought a large Hickory Farms gourmet meat and cheese basket. While most of us were trying to top each other by taking turns on the beer bong, Mathan outdid everyone by eating an entire miniature spiral ham in under 3 minutes. That guy is something else.
Toby B was that guy that nobody except Fingers and Widro really knew, as he spent the majority of the night talking to them about Bob Dylan and drinking a case of Heineken.
Michael Chadwick, who talked SWINDLE this week, DJed electroclash all night, which was pretty awesome, although Widro and D’Estroyer kept shouting for Warrant. It was not happening. It was only after Michaelangelo McCullar climbed in through the window and tossed all of Widro’s Warrant CDs into the blender that the party really started to pick up.
Gloomchen was not able to attend, as she was in Milwaukee, where their McDonald’s has some sort of sandwich called a McChris. After having the McKroket, I am no longer surprised by anything like this. Oh yeah, and since Gloomchen was the only girl invited to the party (Fingers’ girlfriend was reportedly “washing her hair”), many of us drunk men were reduced to hitting on Widro’s Vanessa Carlton cardboard stand-up.
It was then that Mike Eagle arrived, surrounded by a phalanx of bodyguards and scantily clad females, apparently letting the blurb in The Daily Egyptian, along with his February Saturday Swindle Sheet Battle Royale, get to his head. The good part, though, was that we finally stopped molesting Widro’s cardboard Vanessa Carlton to hit on Eagle’s scantily clad females. Well, most of us.
Appetizers
Gloomchen sent some guacamole.
Michaelangelo brought Totino’s Pizza Rolls.
D’Estroyer brought a METAL cheese ball.
Eric Katz brought pigs in a blanket, and then promptly left.
Send Fingers your birthday wishes.
E-mail Widro and tell him to take that damn talking University of Phoenix ad down.
NEWS TO USE
In a follow-up to last week’s Most Ridiculous Item of the Week, The Sycophantic Shithead was a no-show at a scheduled tribute event in Las Vegas, where the mayor proclaimed last Friday as “Diddy Day.” According to reporters, the tribute was an effort to suck Diddy’s cock… Not because the city thought he is all that great of a person, but more so because he has tentative plans to open a Sycophantic Shithead theme nightclub, along with other business ventures bearing his name, and the city wanted him to open it there instead of or along with his obvious first choice of New York. “I am flattered the mayor saw fit to honor me with a day and hope to join him soon,” The Shithead told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet. “And when I do finally make it there, they’d better have some sort of an ad hoc award for me showcasing something I did that doesn’t deserve to be recognized.”
Guitarist Brian Ottoson of American Head Charge was found dead in his bed on the band’s tour bus on Tuesday, an apparent result of an overdose of painkillers. The band, who was on tour with Mudvayne at the time, said that they would be resuming the tour as a tribute to Ottoson, who they said would “be pissed if we didn’t continue on.” After receiving a blessing from Ottoson’s family, American Head Charge said that they would be selecting a replacement guitarist by Monday.
Thieves broke into the Los Angeles home of singer/actress Lindsay Lohan earlier this week, according to the Los Angeles Police Department, making off with nearly $10,000 in TVs, stereos, and other electronic equipment, while Lohan was in New York shooting an upcoming movie. The perpetrators, who are still at-large, also took several things from her liquor cabinet and closet; however, strangely enough, a gold chest containing nude pictures of Lohan’s ex-boyfriend, Wilmer Valderrama of That ’70s Show, was left untouched.
T.I. and Lil Flip have put their differences to rest after engaging in a fracas last month in Houston, and are once again an inseparable couple. “I’d like to thank Bobby Brown,” T.I. told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet. “He told me exactly what I could do to regain Lil Flip’s trust after beating the hell out of him and spending our life savings on cocaine. That man is a miracle worker.”
Among the confirmed for this year’s incarnation of Lollapalooza are Pixies, Dinosaur Jr., Weezer, Billy Idol, The Killers, Digable Planets, Widespread Panic, Dashboard Confessional, G. Love & Special Sauce, Liz Phair, Cake, The Dandy Warhols, The Walkmen, Sound Tribe Sector 9, Los Amigos Invisibles, VHS or Beta, The Arcade Fire, The Black Keys, M83, Tegan and Sara, and Brian Jonestown Massacre. Tickets are said to be available for upwards of $125 a person.
Quick Bits
City heads in Las Vegas are pissed off because people are selling tickets online for a concert, including the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Weezer, to mark the city’s 100th anniversary, that were originally offered for free. That’s what they get for creating “Diddy Day.” Bitches.
Rock band Kasabian was forced to end their set early in Glasgow on Friday night after an audience member threw a bottle onstage, hitting guitarist Serge Pizzorno, who fell to the ground after reportedly being struck in the temple. This proves that people all over the world can be asses at shows.
Kenny Loggins and Jim Messina, of ’70s rock act Loggins & Messina, have announced that they have reunited and will be touring together this summer, for the first time since 1976.
An auction this week in London by family members of the late John Entwistle, of The Who, showcased many of the bassist’s personal belongings, including a pinball machine and a pair of skeletons that Entwistle reportedly used to play pranks on houseguests.
Archbishop Don Magic Juan has announced plans to start his own clothing line, called Bishop. Snoop Dogg will be among several rappers to shill the line, while Lil Jon will continue to suck ass, and will hopefully realize this soon and just f*cking retire already.
Pray for the Soul of Betty, featuring American Idol contestant Constantine Maroulis, signed with Koch Records, who will be releasing the band’s album, recorded early last year. It will be available on May 10th.
Sting surprised a music composition class at the University of Illinois at Chicago on Monday by entering their classroom to speak with them about music and play a few songs. It was part of show called Stand In that he was filming for mtvU.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
The lovely Aisha Bell from EMI Music Marketing has the official press release for the upcoming Paul McCartney tour/album…
McCARTNEY RETURNS TO ROCK WITH US
ALL NEW Beatles, Wings and Solo Concert Tour To Launch In Miami On September 16th; Coincides With New Album Release
Paul McCartney is ready to rock with US this fall, nearly four years after his critically hailed, Billboard Magazine Concert Tour of the Year, Back In the U.S. swept through the U.S. Since his return to the stage in 2002, after a decade long performance hiatus, millions from countries across the globe have experienced his sold-out concerts.
But Americans can expect the unexpected when US kicks off at Miami’s American Airlines Arena on Friday, September 16th. The all-new tour, which is planned to coincide with a new McCartney recording, will be highlighted by the classics from McCartney’s Beatles, Wings and solo career, as well as songs that have yet to be or haven’t been performed on American soil in nearly 15 years.
“We are looking forward to playing again in America,” said McCartney. “They know how to have a good time and we’re there to give it to them. It’ll be fun to visit some new places, to see some old faces and to do things a bit differently this time. We’re ready to rock.”
US will rock and roll through the United States for 28 performances that will span a nearly 11-week period before its close on Tuesday, November 29th at Los Angeles’ STAPLES Center. While highlights include return visits to Boston’s Fleet Center, New York’s Madison Square Garden, Chicago’s United Center and Las Vegas’ MGM Grand Garden Arena, US will mark a first for some. On Thursday, October 27th and on Sunday, October 30th, Des Moines, Iowa and Omaha, Nebraska will experience their first EVER Paul McCartney performance (including Beatles and Wings). In addition, Miami and Seattle, amongst other cities, will celebrate McCartney’s return after nearly 15 years.
If McCartney’s appearance at Super Bowl XXXIX or his last concert in front of 125,000 muddied fans at England’s prestigious Glastonbury Festival (NME Magazine’s Best Event for 2005) are any indication, fans can expect to see another groundbreaking production.
“Only McCartney can top McCartney,” said Brad Wavra, ClearChannel Entertainment. “But if you think you’ve already seen him, think again.”
AEG/Concerts West representative Paul Gongaware added: “Half the fun of this tour is wondering which songs he’s going to play. There’s so much that we didn’t see in 2002.”
McCartney’s band mates Abe Laboriel, Jr. (drums), Rusty Anderson (guitar), Brian Ray (guitar and bass) and Paul “Wix” Wickens (keyboards) return for US.
Tickets for Paul McCartney’s US Tour go on sale beginning Friday, April 22nd. Check local listing for details. For more information about US go to www.paulmccartney.com.
Lexus will be the presenting sponsor of the US Tour.
“I’m very pleased to be a part of this new project with Lexus because I think there is a natural fit,” said McCartney.
US TOUR DATES
Friday, September 16th; Miami (American Airlines Arena)
Saturday, September 17th; Tampa (St. Pete Times Forum)
Tuesday, September 20th; Atlanta (Philips Arena)
Thursday, September 22nd; Philadelphia (Wachovia Center)
Monday, September 26th; Boston (Fleet Center)
Tuesday, October 4th; New York (Madison Square Garden)
Wednesday, October 5th; New York (Madison Square Garden)
Saturday, October 8th; Washington DC (MCI Center)
Monday, October 10th; Toronto (Air Canada Centre)
Friday, October 14th; Detroit (The Palace)
Tuesday, October 18th; Chicago (United Center)
Saturday, October 22nd; Columbus (Value City Arena)
Sunday, October 23rd; Milwaukee (Bradley Center)
Wednesday, October 26th; St. Paul (Xcel Energy Center)
Thursday, October 27th; Des Moines (Wells Fargo Arena)
Sunday, October 30th; Omaha (Qwest Center)
Tuesday, November 1st; Denver (The Pepsi Center)
Thursday, November 3rd; Seattle (Key Arena)
Friday, November 4th; Portland (Rose Garden)
Monday, November 7th; San Jose (HP Pavilion)
Friday, November 11th; Anaheim (Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim)
Wednesday, November 16th; Sacramento (ARCO Arena)
Saturday, November 19th; Houston (Toyota Center)
Sunday, November 20th; Dallas (American Airlines Center)
Wednesday, November 23rd; Phoenix (Glendale Arena)
Friday, November 25th; Las Vegas (MGM Grand Garden Arena)
Saturday, November 26th; Las Vegas (MGM Grand Garden Arena)
Tuesday, November 29th; Los Angeles (STAPLES Center)
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Captain Sensible, “Wot”
Blu Cantrell, “Hit ’em Up Style (Oops!)”
Jay-Z, “Hard Knock Life”
Alice in Chains, “Again”
The Brian Setzer Orchestra, “The Dirty Boogie”
James, “Born of Frustration”
The Rock*A*Teens, “Make It New Again”
Janet Jackson, “Love Will Never Do (Without You)”
Santana, “Black Magic Woman”
Nine Inch Nails, “Head Like a Hole”
Basement Jaxx, “Jus 1 Kiss”
David Lee Roth, “Just a Gigolo/I Ain’t Got Nobody”
The Chemical Brothers, “Music: Response”
Collective Soul, “Shine”
Infrared, “Never Need to Worry”
Yes, “Long Distance Runaround”
Stevie Wonder, “Uptight (Everything’s Alright)”
The Pharcyde, “Drop”
UNKLE, “Unreal”
Ocean Colour Scene, “Hundred Mile High City”
Sunshine Anderson, “Heard It All Before” (Ben Watt Mx)
Oingo Boingo, “Dead Man’s Party”
Pigface, “Asphole”
Good Riddance, “Fire Engine Red”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
UK’s problem child and former Libertines’ singer Pete Doherty has once again caused a ruckus, this time at a concert for band Crazy Girl. Doherty had been jamming with the opening band, at Club 333 in London’s Hoxton district, and when it was time for Crazy Girl, the headlining band, to come onstage and perform, Doherty and several other people with him kept trying to grab the microphone and jump onstage. When members of and security for Crazy Girl kept preventing this from happening, someone in Doherty’s entourage reportedly grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher and sprayed the band as they were playing. “When they realized they weren’t going to come onstage some chick grabbed a fire extinguisher and sprayed us and all of our equipment,” lead singer Tiff McGinnis said. “And then I went hit her and [Doherty] and a fight broke out. … We had to stop. My guitar pedals were complete drenched. It was really a waste of my time. I’m pretty sure it’s damaged permanently.” The band was only three songs into its set when it had to retire, as disgruntled fans chanted “Crazy Girl” and “Fuck you, Pete.”
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I put my pants on just like the rest of you, one leg at a time, except once my pants are on, I make gold records!
Cheers
-JF2k5!
