“I love feelin’ dirty and I love feelin’ cheap. And I love it when you hurt me, so drive them staples deep.”
–Green Day, “Dominated Love Slave”
The lyrics of an old favorite come to mind when I reflect on this week’s episode of The Apprentice. The candidates were assigned the task of designing a product for the Staples office supply chain that would eliminate office clutter. In one of the most lop-sided victories to date, Magna brought home another win, sending the swiftly shrinking Net Worth team to the boardroom again, where Bren heard the notorious words. And so much for Bren standing up for himself. He was as meek as ever in the hot seat, which only packed a bit more humiliation. I was surprised Trump didn’t produce a set of nipple clamps and a ball gag to complete the experience.
There’s a few things I don’t understand about Net Worth, namely why they were on such an unjustified ego trip. The minute I heard Alex say he didn’t see any point in meeting with the Staples executives, dismissing them as “just the judges,” I knew things were going in the wrong direction. And when I saw Bren thumbing through the Yellow Pages to conduct a focus group, I knew they were headed for utter disaster. By the time the assembly team rolled out the Pack Rat desk thingie that Alex dreamed up, I had my head in my hands. How could two seemingly intelligent, successful, well-educated souls fail so miserably? Maybe they just didn’t get the memo that they needed to remove their heads from the sphincters before proceeding with the task.
Of course, Alex and Bren weren’t the only players with their heads up their asses. Craig’s very presence on the show was downright painful to watch. But maybe I’m being unfair here. I mean, if Mr. Trump had asked the candidates to pontificate on the life-changing power of a good brainstorming session, wander aimlessly around a Staples store, and talk down to Kendra, then Craig could have pulled off a win single-handedly for Magna. As it was, Tana and Kendra carried the team to victory and Craig, even though he was project manager, appeared to take a back seat. The main reason he has made it to the final four is that he’s always been on the same team with Tana, who is a walking good luck charm.
Lucky and talented as she may be, my love for Tana has faded a bit due to her camaraderie with Craig. I can see that they’ve formed a strong friendship and obviously have a personal connection. However, it’s never been clear how Tana feels about Craig as a coworker. His leadership style, if it can even be called that, is preachy and condescending. With the exception of her behavior toward Kendra last week, Tana’s done an excellent job of maintaining friendly, respectful relationships with everyone and has never been at the center of any major conflicts. But perhaps her friendship is strategic; having Craig by her side makes Tana look even more tactful and diplomatic. I cracked up when she calmly took a bite of her sandwich and went “Mmm” as Kendra and Craig bit each other’s heads off.
Speaking of head biting, the Donald was in top form in the boardroom this week. Even though I’ve been a Bren fan and predicted that he’d make it to the final two, I was neither surprised nor particularly disappointed to see him go. It didn’t even seem like Bren wanted to be there anymore, what with his comments about missing his wife, kids, and great job back home. And in his parting words, he alluded to being happy to return to his normal life. It was refreshing to see a candidate who hadn’t swallowed too much Kool-Aid made with Trump Ice. Bren saw the Trump organization for the tower of B.S. it truly is, so his departure warranted little more than a shrug and a smile.
Alex, on the other hand, was a fireball in the boardroom. He made a very appealing case for himself. I had no idea his resume was so damn impressive and I retract any previous statements about him being boring. But truthfully, anyone standing next to Danny, Chris, Michael, Angie, Audrey, Kristen, and the myriad other live wires and drama queens of this season would look a little drab by comparison. I now see that Alex has a lot of passion, even though I feel that he is channeling it in entirely the wrong direction. Donald Trump doesn’t deserve such a cool employee.
Anyone who regularly reads my column about The Apprentice knows that I absolutely loathe the Trumpmeister and what he stands for (greed, entitlement, totally lame hair, etc.). So naturally, one might ask, why watch his damn show at all? The answer: I think George is a fox. No really, I enjoy the drama, the interactions, and the other ridiculousness of the whole thing. The only thing about the show that I would change, though, is who answers the phone in the morning. In past seasons, it was a nice, muscular young man like Kevin or Kwame who, tragically, seemed to have misplaced his shirt. Tana in a t-shirt just doesn’t do it for me. Nothing personal, sweetheart. It’s just the way I like my business.
