Okay, welcome all to the
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
L O N E L Y !
Here’s the Wrestling With The Rabble:
Now it’s time to discuss the problem with this column.
There was a worry I had when the column first started – that sooner or later I would end up alone one night. Nobody would show up. Yes, well, my greatest fear has been achieved. Nobody is here. Not Eric, not Hernandez. It’s me, Dani (who is doing homework), Laura (who is enjoying an Ikea catalog), and me. So – get ready for no extra commentary! THIS WEEK.. IT’S JUST ME! WHEEEEE!
Starting the show in the United Kingdom with Coach and the King.
Tonight Christian gets his shot at Batista!
The opener of the show is…. oh my god… they are letting him start the show!?!?!? IT’S BATISTA!! He comes on down looking all dapper. Pinstripes, red glasses, pink shirt – he’s a damn diva!
The Batista chant is nuts! I don’t care what people say about his waivering heat – they can easily bring his heat up much higher stateside. He’s out here tonight to honor a man that goes unrecognized. A man that beat Triple H! It is none other than — J R! It does seem that JR has some magical healing powers, but he is bruised a bit.
They show a flashback to last week, where JR crumpled fairly frequently. As a matter of fact JR crumples like no other man. JR comes in and puts his hat on Batista – and Ross who looks like a raccoon did his makeup job just cuddles Batista. That’s so cute.
So of course, the how started too good – here comes Trips.
“Aww Triple H, what a surprise!” – Dave!
Trips starts to threaten that Dave about Backlash, but Dave feels that since Hunter lost to JR last week, that means that Ross should be the main eventer at Backlash versus Dave. I would concur, and I would mark like a retard for a JR vs. Dave main event.
Hunter tries to talk, but Dave just keeps showing the footage of Hunter getting beaten – and THIS is how Dave should be written. Imposing. Unwaivering. And completely unafraid of Hunter. Dave starts stomping down to the ring – off comes the jacket – off comes the tie – off comes the shirt!
Dave says to bring it and Trips… backs off! Hunter is looking a little pudgy, poor lil guy. Stephanie apparently makes awesome biscuits. So Hunter goes with generic ‘YOUR ASS IS MINE’ and Batista
So announced for Backlash: THE MATCH YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT
Viscera vs. Kane w/ Trish & Lita in their corners.
Tonight though, Trish gets to go on a hot date with her Sexual Brownie… Viscera. It seems Mable is late, but that’s only because he had to go pick up condoms – and I seriously think I vomited in my mouth just a little bit. That’s our Sportz Entertainment yawnfest of the night – hopefully Trish will be able to save it.
Coming down to the ring now, without anyone to make fun of him on me, Chris Jericho! He’ll be facing Sylvan Grenier.. why? God knows, but at least I don’t have to hear Hernandez’ mouth about how horrible Chris’ song was last week.
CHRIS JERICHO vs. SYLVAN GRENIER
Match starts off with Jericho getting charged at, and Grenier takes full advantage of the beginning. He hits an a back suplex and spins it down into almost a chokeslam. And roughly 2 minutes in, we are in our first holdspot! Wheeee!
Jericho fights out of it, hits the ropes, shoulderblocks, and now it’s all Jericho. He pushes Grenier into the corner and catches two chops. Tosses to the other corner, and cross rope bulldog. He tries for the Lionsault, misses, lands on his feet! Jams his knee a bit, but still hits an enzuiguri and goes to pin.
The other La Resistance gentleman comes on in and Jericho hits the double rope dropkick, catches Grenier into the Walls and that – is – that.
The doubleteam begins and Shelton comes in for the save!!!
You can hear Jericho smacktalking Shelton about stealing the spotlight, and Benjamin hits the T-Bone. The end.
Who is the face – who is the heel? The crowd boos Shelton, but Jericho sounds like the asshole!? Maybe British folks just don’t like black people.
“I do!” – Laura
COMMERCIAL
Back in the resturant that looks kind of like it was made backstage and they sit and flirt with each other and Viscera is actually a “Banger” who likes to “Mash” which is a British joke that makes
Here comes Flair to babble incoherently! Ric announces quite readily that Trips is going to come in and destroy Batista for them. Capt. Charisma wants none of that. He thinks that Trips would have a better time going to Smackdown to fight Michael Cole. Ric is then escorted out by Tonka.
COMMERCIAL
Apparently some kids sat outside for six days for Backlash tickets in New Hampshire. This makes them slightly geekier than the guys who sat outside a few months for Star Wars tickets, since everyone is pretty damn sure that Backlash will suck – where the vote on Star Wars is only 50% in. Way to go guys.
Christian comes out and his new shirt is awesome! The UK crowd is giving him some great face heat, and he goes for the cheap Brit teeth jokes. This week he is going to prove that he is worthy of being in the main event.
“It doesn’t matter whether I stay on Raw and beat Batista, or go to Smackdown and beat that Ali G rip-off, John Cena – it doesn’t matter – cuz that’s how I roll!” – Christian
The rings go all explody and here comes Kane. Christian bails, but Tonka is left to eat the boot and a chokeslam. Well, that was… errr… pointless?
Backstage though, Tata McBreast is talking with Lita… for all of 10 seconds. My guess is that it was to make sure the UK crowd doesn’t start chanting for Matt. If the Brit audience is cheering for Matt, then Vince can’t just blame one or two folks in New York riling up an entire arena.
COMMERCIAL
Christian is setting up sentries down hallways and is knocking on Evolution’s door. He brought Ric back his coat and to apologize for the way Tomko talked about Trips earlier.. apprently you can’t shut him up. Ric says to hold on leaving Christian alone in the hallway – moments later Hunter shows up and asks about the Michael Cole crack. Christian bluffs it off and they go in to talk about what’s going to happen later tonight.
Now though, in the ring… CHRIS MASTERS…
Wow, even the BRIT crowd doesn’t pop for him. They just kind of babble on about last week’s episode of Coupling – and that’s completely justified. All the while, Lawler discusses how Masters is an ‘Adonis chiseled out of stone’ … wow!
This week Chris Masters offers 1000 pounds to an amateur pro-wrestler he will pick out of the audience seemingly ‘randomly’. Does anyone believe that these aren’t plants? Anyway, Andy Baker takes the challenge. He loses. I gasp in shock.
Now let’s just, for the record, explain that 1,000 pounds is closer to 2,000 American. That means that Masters is doubling his rate this week. Do you see what I have to do to keep myself occupied during commercial breaks? I actually went and found that information out… God I’m lonely.
“That Masterlock is a DANGEROUS DANGEROUS HOLD” – JR
I don’t NEED commentary with lines like that.. geez!
COMMERCIAL
Coach backstage discussing Akbar and Hassan having to go against HBK and Hogan.. Coach DOES get a zinger in there mentioning how there is going to be the largest egos in pro-wrestling are going to be in the ring. HBK’s new shirt has him praying. Eesh.. but Shawn kicks out Coach to invite HULK HOGAN!
The Brits go nuts, and I go nuts as Hogan introduces MEAN GENE OKERLUND!
Does that man even age?
HBK and Hogan sit and stroke each other for awhile, but it is amusing to watch HBK screaming “Whatcha gunna do!?” and fail at ripping his shirt like Hogan. Kinda funny for kitch value.
Now coming down to the ring, for my own personal kitch here comes CHRISTIE!
..wait..
..crap.. she brought all the other Divas.
Titty McBreast!
Boobage O’Nipple
..and Stacy Keibler.
Christie wants to invite some more divas down to the ring – the ladies of the Daily Star. (What’s that?)
So since they didn’t get real names we shall call them:
Melons Hump
Kazunga MacJiggle
Jubblie Pompom
..and the Ugly One
This celebration is for Stephen Regal having his autobiography released – so here comes Regal and Tajiri.. I’m ok with that, as the crowd loves Regal and that’s nice. Regal has a new shirt too with the knuckles. Isn’t that a bit dated? Ah well. The crowd though is on it’s feet and he really kind of looks overwhelmed.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for that wonderful reception. As you can see, I have a very difficult job. My autobiography comes out soon, and I would just like to thank everybody; you and the WWE – because a few years ago I didn’t think I’d be around to put it in print. I’m not going to get all sappy, so did someone say something about a party?”
It’s at this point in time that Regal throws himself a wacky zany British party, and he does keg stands.
Interrupted by…… Akbar and Muhammed, who me and Dani agree – needs to get a towel.
They challenge the tag champs, and if it means I get to see Akbar wrestle again.. that’s cool. The fact is though, “IT’S A TRAP!”
COMMERCIAL
We come in as Akbar is getting shoulder blocked and uppercutted by Regal. Regal tosses in Hassan into the ring – tosses Akbar into Hassan – then clears the ring!
Outside the bad guys regroup as Regal jogs a bit. Akbar comes on in and they lock up. A tag to Tajiri – double hiptoss and a moonsault from Tajiri gets two. He picks up Akbar and wrings his arm. Akbar blocks itr and tags in Hassan. Hassan goes with some combo wrestling with Tajiri, they fight to Regal and the tag is made. Headlock from Regal and Hassan tosses him to Akbar. Tajiri is talking to the ref and we get the cheapshot.
Hassan picks up Regal and they start to go wacko all over him. Finally he locks into a holdspot and an exchange of tags andn Regal gets the hot tag to Tajiri. Tajiri goes nuts with the big kicks on Hassan until out of nowhere Hassan hits his finisher. Regal comes in to stop the pin, but Akbar leaps up to the top rope to hit a legdrop! Great finisher.
WINNER: AKBAR & HASSAN
Regal comes back in and tries to clear house, but he ultimately loses and eats it. They didn’t though, win the titles.
COMMERCIAL
30 plates later – the backstage resturant. Trish and Viscera decide to dance a bit, but they knock a waiter instead. OH THAT’S FUNNY!!! NOT REALLY!!!!!
Coming down to the ring though, with his briefcase of doom it’s Edge!
His opponent is… VAL VENIS!!! AND HE’S GOT A TOWEL!!!
Edge vs. Val Venis
Briefcase vs. Towel
Val rolls in and gets stomped a lot. Edge hangs him on the second rope and gets a guillotine legdrop in response. Not bad. He chokes Val against the second rope, and then catapults him, bringing him to a chinlock.
Val fights out of it while the crowd seemingly chants ‘Hardy’. Edge tosses Val to the ropes, but then gets the hot shot. They do some rope bouncing, Val finally drops Edge with a beautiful single arm drop, goes to the top rope – eats knees on the Money Shot – dodges the spear – then gets hit by it for the win.
WINNER: EDGE
Edge continues to beat on Val, hits him with a beautiful DDT and then Edge puts Val in a Sharpshooter and a Crossface… here comes Benoit!
Benoit runs in and hits the triple-germans for huge crowd approval.
Backstage Coach is arguing on the phone when Trips, Christian, and Ric come in and hand him a Ref shirt. We have Coach as the special guest ref, Ric as the time keeper, and Trips as the CLB’s Problem Solver. Coach wants to check with Bischoff, but Trips gives him permission.. which is a telling tale of how the backstage works, really.
COMMERCIAL
So Trish and Viscera finish their wine and then Viscerea hits the Listerine. They pull in close for the kiss and Trish slaps him. After Backlash they’ll talk – only after he beats on Kane for her.
To seal the deal, Trish flashes him.
Now coming down though, is Coach! Followed by the greatest opening music in the WWE now, Captain Charisma!!!
COMMERCIAL
And with 11 minutes left, here comes Trips. Hunter and JR share a moment of staring, and he and Ric come on down. Christian and Hunter share a handshake.. but here comes the man with the gold.
DAAAAAAAVE!
CHRISTIAN vs. BATISTA
World Title Match
And with 8 minutes left – Dave stares down Trips and Christian blindsides him. Christian then tries to toss Dave into the ropes, and gets tossed out of the ring instead. Dave grins lovingly and Hunter climbs the ropes to distract him as Christian hits the top turnbuckle.
Dave spins in time enough to grab Christian by the throat. He hurls Dave into the ropes a bunch of times. Christian tries to fight back, but Dave shrugs it off and just drops the CLB like a bad habit. Dave picks him up – and a standing powerslam should win it for Dave, but Coach is tying his shoelace. Classic. Coach turns away while Trips lowblows him – Christian crawls over for the pin and gets two.
COMMERCIAL
Coming back, somehow Christian held onto the lead for awhile as he’s got Dave in a chinlock. Dave though, stands up out of it and Christian gets tossed crushed in the turnbuckle. Dave charges, but eats boot, and a top turnbuckle dropkick. Batista gets choked out by Flair and tripped by Hunter. Coach even counts as Christian is choking him!
Dave starts to Dave-Up (as in Hulk-Up or Tard-Up) – he throws Christian up – he throw Christian down – he clotheslines him into the corner – 3 huge shoulderblocks. There is a distraction from Flair, and Christian spins him around for the Unprettier, but Batista pulls himself out of it and lifts up Christian for the Electric Chair drop. ONE… TWO… COACH HAS SPRAINED HIS WRIST!
Batista henceforth sprains the Coach, Christian, and Trips. Finally thumbs down means Christian eats a Batista Bomb. Before the celebration even begins, Hunter goes on the attack. Dave though stops chair shots all over the ring and as he’s about to hit Hunter with the chair, the game spins, kicks, arms, and PEDIGREES BATISTA!
The show ends with *shocker* Triple H getting all of the crowd heat – which is fine as the lead up to the ppv. Need to make the face look a LITTLE weak..
So thanks for being here guys, I know there was no commentary, but that’s just because Eric was not feeling well, and Hernandez was enjoying some quality time with Jen. So we’ll see you next week, where I will let other people be funny instead of me trying to type and be amusing at the same time.. SO THERE!
Night all.
