The SmarK RAW Rant – April 25 2005
– Live (on tape) from Birmingham, England.
– Your hosts are Coach & King. HHH is truly the world’s biggest heel for making us listen to Coach for another week.
– Opening interview: Batista finally shows up on time for a show. The arena looks either very small, circa 1997, or very tarped-off. Dave gets more of a star reaction here than in recent weeks, which is good. Then he brings out JR and they share a gay hug, which is not good. Smiling babyface Batista is boring. And after a bunch of nothing, HHH interrupts. Of course. Batista decides to rub it in by announcing that he’ll be facing JR at Backlash instead of HHH, since he beat the #1 contender and all. He shows the winning pin a few times to really rub HHH the wrong way, as JR stands there with an “aw shucks” look on his face like Eugene or something, but HHH backs off. They really should have turned Flair along with Batista to give him someone to talk for him. JR thankfully boots Coach out of the annouce position.
– Meanwhile, at a restaurant, Trish meets up with Viscera. He was late because he bought condoms, you see. Hilarity ensues. I’m guessing this is going to drag on all show long. And then we have to sit through a MATCH at the PPV. And maybe even a mixed tag match at another PPV judging by the storyline. And you thought Trish had it bad.
– Chris Jericho v. Sylvan Grenier. Grenier attacks to start and gets a flapjack, but Jericho rolls him up for two. Grenier fires back with a backdrop suplex for two and we hit the chinlock. Jericho escapes with another rollup for two and elbows him down. Things get ugly as Jericho tries a comeback and Grenier looks totally lost for some reason, until Jericho gets the bulldog. He misses the Lionsault, but the enzuigiri allows Jericho to get rid of Conway and finish with the Walls at 3:00. Total squash, total crap. Grenier can’t even do a 3:00 match without a chinlock? The joke is dead, repackage Conway and cut the dead weight loose. 1/4* Conway attacks afterwards, and 40 cents Canadian to the lucky person who can guess who makes the save, only to be told by Jericho afterwards that he didn’t want to be saved. If this was 1998, Vince Russo would then put the tag titles on them next week.
– Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, Big Vis keeps using his romantic skills on Trish, who actually has the gall to get a few funny lines into this mess (When he says that eating turns him on, she says he must be the “horniest guy on the planet”, and he proceeds to order an entire page off the menu).
– Meanwhile, Christian and Tomko get a peptalk from Ric Flair, who seems to think that they’re just doing HHH’s dirty work later tonight. Christian then cuts the promo of his life, talking shit about HHH with dead-on timing (“Maybe he can get drafted to Smackdown…and beat Michael Cole!”) and kicking Flair out of the dressing room.
– So now Christian and Tomko come out to continue the war of words, as he promises to beat Batista tonight and then go to Smackdown and beat “Ali G ripoff John Cena”. They HAVE to move him to Smackdown and send him up the card now. Kane, however, interrupts and destroys Tomko, as Christian runs away. I should also point out that “That’s how I roll!” is the catchphrase that he’s been lacking.
– Meanwhile, Christian decides to try sucking up to Flair and HHH in order to save himself from Kane, but HHH can’t take a joke as usual and wants to talk business. Man, he was so much more fun when he was making fun of Mankind and basing his interviews around dick jokes.
– And now in the “because no one demanded it” file, it’s another installment of Chris Masters’ full-nelson challenge. He pulls another plant out of the audience, this time a British one, and the result is the same as ever.
– Meanwhile, the Balding Egomaniacs cut a pre-taped promo “live” from England and talk about how they love America and all that crap. Very 80s and dull stuff.
– Speaking of dull, a bunch of faceless women come out and dance with William Regal, which is somehow supposed to make us buy his book. My new heroes, Hassan and Daivari, come out and tell it like it is with regards to the segment, and we have a tag match. Really, Daivari and Hassan’s roles should be reversed, with Hassan being Mr. Big Talker and Daivari having to do all the work in the ring, because he at least is getting stronger on promos despite sucking ass in the ring, while Daivari was instantly 1000% better in the ring in his first match on RAW.
– William Regal & Tajiri v. Muhammad Hassan & Khosrow Daivari. We’re joined in progress as Regal headlocks Daivari and dumps the heels. Back in the ring, the champs double-hiptoss Daivari and add double kicks for two. Tajiri works the arm and Hassan comes in to give it a try, but Regal comes in with a headlock on him. A cheapshot of course turns the tide for the evil foreigners and they do some generic heel stuff in the corner and Daivari hits the chinlock. Regal gets loose and makes the hot tag to Tajiri, who promptly walks into the WMD from Hassan. Daivari finishes with the Allah-bama Jam at 5:01. Yes, the hometown guys job again. They continue to beat the crap out of Regal afterwards, and although the crowd chants for Hogan, he ain’t there and doesn’t save. Guess that promo wasn’t as live as they made it out to be. 1/2*
– Meanwhile, Trish and Viscera continue to be pretty funny, as Trish offers Christy Hemme in her place, but Vis wants the real deal. He busts a move, but busts some plates in the process, so it’s time to go.
– Edge v. Val Venis. Did only half the roster bother to show up or something? This match does have something of a weird meta-storyline behind it, as Edge was married to Val’s sister before moving onto his most recent failed marriage, and ironically seems to be as much of a real-life player as Val’s character used to be. Anyway, Edge attacks and legdrops him on the apron. Even the British fans are hip to the room, as they chant “We want Matt”. I wonder how much of that is actual knowledge and how much is copying the smart-ass Matt fans in recent weeks? Edge hits the chinlock as this brutally boring show drags on, and Val escapes with a hotshot. He comes back with a backdrop and full nelson slam, but misses the Money Shot. Edge tries the spear, hits knee, but hits it a second time and gets the pin at 3:10. He also adds a DDT and Sharpshooter, because he’s a bad person. The crowd doesn’t care, because Val is obviously a loser character going nowhere, and instead of chanting for Benoit, they continue to make Matt Hardy into the babyface protagonist in a non-existant feud. Benoit, despite not being Matt Hardy, makes the save anyway to build up to a midcard match that no one cares about.
– Meanwhile, HHH and his new buddy Christian appoint Coach as the special referee for the main event tonight. And Flair as the timekeeper. And himself as Christian’s corner man. Well, they haven’t ripped off that Over the Edge show in a while, I guess they were due.
– Speaking of due, Trish lets Viscera know that he’ll be getting none unless he beats Kane at the PPV. And she flashes him for some motivation.
– Batista v. Christian. I don’t get the “Batista fears Headbanger Mosh” sign in the front row, but the British have a weird sense of humor anyway. Christian tries an attack to start, but gets tossed for his troubles. HHH offers some whispered advice (“Marry into the family” is my guess), but it helps nothing, as Batista catches him coming in and whips him around the ring. Sideslam gets two. Christian tries slugging on Batista, but runs into a big boot as a result. Powerslam gets two, but Coach is busy tying his shoes and thus cannot finish the count. HHH “sneaks” into the ring for a low blow while Batista is arguing the point, and we take a break. Back with Christian holding the move of choice tonight, the chinlock, which Batista promptly powers out of. Christian fires back with a very nice missile dropkick, and gets two. The heel forces team up for some choking in the corner, but Batista fights back, only to get tripped by HHH and choked by Christian again. Neckbreaker gets two. Christian tries what appears to be a Thesz Press, but Batista bounces him off into a faceplant and slams him. He pounds away with shoulders in the corner and follows with a clothesline, but gets caught with the Unprettier. He promptly powers into the Electric Chair, but Coach again can’t count. So Batista gets rid of everyone, hulks up, gives Christian the THUMBS DOWN OF DEATH, and finishes with the powerbomb at 12:15, making the count himself. Decent enough. ** HHH storms in and finally gets the Pedigree, thus making us think that Batista won’t kick out of it on Sunday, which of course he will.
The Inside Pulse:
Well, this was pretty dull stuff, with RAW’s B crew wrestling Heat’s A crew for the most part and some taped skits and interviews filling the rest of the time. I’m thinking Backlash is going to tank, but then everyone thought Wrestlemania would do 700,000 buys and it nearly broke 1,000,000, so who knows what the hell the public wants anymore.
