The Tellie Sage: Stephenie, The Greatest Survivor Of Them All!

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I think I’m falling for Stephenie LaGrossa. Relentless, manipulative and more competitive than almost any male I’ve seen on Survivor, the 25-year pharmaceutical sales rep from Philadelphia is a Power Player to say the least, that challenges even the Rob Cesternino’s and Mariano’s of the game. Throw in her rock hard athleticism and gorgeous features and you’ve truly got a drool-licious babe you couldn’t want to root for more.

Only two episodes past the merge (or osmosis of sole Ulong into powerhouse Koror, if that’s what you want to call it), and she has already become my favorite Survivor character of the season. Quite possibly of all time. Really the only thing that stands between her and Cesternino are a few episodes of successful politicking. Thursday promises the instigation of a female mutiny with pig-face lard-butt Katie, clueless dyke Caryn and underachieving rival Jennifer. If this power shift actually happens, with or without Stephenie winning immunity, this title victory will lock my popularity contest down.

And oh, if you think, even for a second, that loudmouth pirate Rupert was in the running, wake up and smell the kerosene. That fat bastard didn’t have a strategic bone in his body and could be manipulated by anyone, including of all pathetic losers, the annoying mistress of the nasal whine, Jenna Lewis from Borneo. His naive compassion made me want to puke, and when audiences gushed over his gentle rage (but lack of gaming plan), awarding him a second million for being the Mr. Congeniality, I went ballistic, heck berserk. I almost sent letter-bombs jam-packed with Anthrax to CBS. Even to have to bring him up in this article churns my upset stomach.

Stephenie, on the other hand, is playing this game like a brilliant World War strategist, all the while keeping her smoking image fully intact. She survived a series of femme-bot vote-offs when Ulong couldn’t get out of the losing rut. She coerced babyface Neanderthal Bobby Job to betray a brotherly bond with fellow Alabaman and black muscleman Ibrehem. And this was after having betrayed him a few times in the voting process.

When the competition really mattered, she defeated a supposedly more-skilled fire-maker and sent the dull-witted (but still scrumptious) Bobby Job a-packing. After the decimation of her tribe, she proved herself capable of isolated survival on her own, before an invitation to Koror shifted the dynamic completely and should’ve led to her inevitable destruction in terms of sheer numbers. Instead, she was embraced with open arms and immediately pulled aside for transparent “strategizing” sessions. She kept her modest mouth shut, absorbed all the praise and let the desperados of Koror speak their minds. She shacked up with day-one alliance with Tom, Ian (my hope for Stephanie’s final hot seat rival) and Katie, despite the protests of perpetual loser but sharp cookie Jennifer. She sat back as Coby whined his way into a category more annoying than Janu’s ridiculous laziness and sealed his fate at the first jury-bound casualty of Survivor: Palau.

But it was her moving speech last tribal council, when the situation was most dire, that proved Stephenie is the Queen of Survivor. She suspected that the rest of Koror was doubting their alliance with the popular lacrosse player. Heck, she conquered Ulong; they could’t allow her to wreach havoc on their own turf (give these players some credit, realizing the threat that is Stephanie, is itself admirable survivor competence). When she couldn’t easily pull any of Ian, Tom or Katie aside to talk gameplans, she knew something was amuck. To make matters worse, the immunity challenge was essentially unwinnable, as anyone knows that even the weakest man has larger lung-capacity than the strongest woman for partial-water breathing contests. With no immunity in sight, the fate of my Amazon warrior was miserably set, especially with Janu’s newfound revitalization and potential usefulness to the tribe (okay maybe that’s a stretch). As Jeff asked pointed questions of the other tribes, (like “would you vote off a threat or someone who isn’t holding their own”) and their transparent answers shot a steady stream of bullets into Stephenie’s already bleeding heart. When the time finally came for the mainstay of Monmouth University to give a farewell tribal-council speech, I was on the verge of tears.

But then the impossible happened. Stephenie voiced her disappointment but understanding that the rest of the tribe would prefer to extinguish a threatening drive than to give into the wishes of a weaker player asking to be sent home. She cracked and couldn’t hold back tears of passion indicating this game to her is more than just a stupid fight for a million dollars. Then, suddenly the suggestion of Janu receiving sympathy vote-off votes shifted into the downright notion of taking the power into her own hands by playing down the torch and quitting. And after some subtle coercion by Stephenie and Mr. Probst, she actually did it. Janu sacrificed herself to allow Stephenie to stay in the game. Call it Janu’s undying loyalty, coincidental luck or Stephenie’s charisma modifier of + 4, but Stephenie is still in this game, and her ferocity to win has just amplified a few notches.

Will Stephenie successfully convince the weak femmes to rebel against the billowy pecs of Tom, Ian and Gregg? Can she somehow make an unofficial peace with Jennifer that makes her realize that voting off the hard-bodied hunk and island lover will keep her in this game longer? Perhaps she’ll turn the most dynamic of the males (Ian) to the dark side, considering he was the one to first suggest Janu lay down the torch if she really wanted to quit? Or will Stephenie need the immunity to have any chance of flexing her politicking muscle?

Stephenie is a true hero worth rooting for. She’s hot, smart, compassionate and charming. She makes me question my homosexuality AND she’s a strategic little snake that would cut your throat if it would get her further. How she makes her deviousness appealing to the loser audiences that prefer Rupert-style Survivor characters (and who lead to the low web-user-popularity of Cesternino and Mariano) is sexy on it’s own. This woman’s underdog story has catapulted my interest in Survivor up to a level not since experienced since Amazon and ranks Palau as one of the best, almost surely top-three seasons (sorry about it’s tentative placement a few weeks ago in my Survivor rankings) of all time. I know I will cry if Stephenie’s torch is prematurely extinguished. But this crusader will fight to the bloody death before she needs her number one fan’s supportive tears.