Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 04.26.05

Oy…I was woken up at 8:30 yesterday morning by some cocksucker with a cell phone, and not a very good cell phone at that. I couldn’t understand a damn word he said. Wrong number too. However, it provided some benefits, like the fact that I was able to snag some coffee and, more importantly, check my Gmail account to see if USDA sent me my latest updated list of Jobs They’re Trying To Fill Immediately. Yesterday’s list was a treasure trove of stuff that was right for me. Promotion slots in big cities, and a double promotion slot that I’m qualified for in a suburb of a big city. So I spent about an hour completing the first form, then turned all of their essay questions into a cut-and-paste Word file (since all the applications are identical). Thus, the other applications (and there were a bunch) turned into five-minute jobs. I just hope something pans out within a few months (USDA takes a long time to do anything in regard to personnel, even for stuff they want done immediately).

In the meanwhile, I spent my weekend attempting to refurbish a laptop that my friends in Chicago asked me to do for them. One of them is in the delivery business, so he had access to machines for free. But it was only the laptop, nothing else. So I resorted to going to the Modern Miracle known as Ebay and picked up an AC adapter, a car charger (my friend wants to use it in his delivery machine as per MS Streets and Trips to get directions), and bumped the RAM up to 160M, enough to run Win2K on the sucker. Cost me less than 80 bucks for all the stuff, including shipping, so no problem there. But I’m having a royal bitch installing 2K on it. Please, no advice. I’m trying every trick that I know of, and one of them has to work. I just have to be patient and pray.

(Update: This morning, it finally installed all the way. Huzzah. Now I have to tits it up.)

Speaking of praying, CNN’s reporting that Pope Benedict prayed that he wouldn’t get elected. Uh, bullshit. Dude was the power behind the papal throne for twenty years. You damn well know that he wanted his few years in the sun. Don’t believe anything this guy says. He’s German. He knows the power of the Big Lie.

One thing that isn’t a lie, though, is the Pimp Section. Let’s see who’s cool with me today…

THE PIMP SECTION

Lucard shows that piss-fighting among vampire hunters is actually worse than piss-fighting in the IWC.

McCullar disses me slightly, but he’s still cool.

Misha reveals that Empire Earth II gets released today. However, everyone’s been downloading it for the past week. Personally, I have a copy sitting on the HD waiting to get installed.

Gloomchen explains why a media diet of the same dish isn’t good for you, even if the meal’s great.

Hevia gets some mileage out of the Matt Hardy situation. Don’t worry, folks, I’ll get mine in right after the pimps.

West does his usual great job covering Raw.

Memo to Pandich: sul-CHESS-key. And at this point, I’ll accept oral from you, no problem.

Zarur debuts his Heat report, thus allowing West to move over to Raw.

Stein show us his indies again, and no one’s complaining.

I’m not used to pimping Stevens for his DC stuff on Tuesday.

Nguyen covered the NFL Draft, among other things, which I didn’t bother to follow. Christ knows that wherever I am come football season, I won’t be able to watch the Bears. In fact, if I get what I wanted out of the stuff I applied for yesterday, I’ll be in Deadskins Country.

Urciuolo is getting hitched. As a reverse wedding present, maybe he can give some of his vowels to me.

Porter does the unexpected and gives us his NBA Season award winners. Shouldn’t he wait a couple of weeks and just do the end-of-season PL winners?

Price doesn’t know that my friends in Chicago are NASCAR addicts, so I had to sit through Martinsville while fixing their computer, which coincidentally broke down two days before I got there. They’re the ones with the laptop sitting in my apartment.

And now on to wrestling stories…

MATT HARDY LIES THROUGH HIS TEETH AGAIN

Big Johnson over at 1bullshit Junior does not have a life. Well, we all knew that, since he’s so obviously Mister Slave to Milord’s Mister Garrison/Mrs. Garrison that it’s pathetic. But he demonstrated it yet again and admitted that he actually listens to Opie and Anthony. Even worse, he listens to Opie and Anthony when Matt Hardy is their guest. Of course, Hardy decided to take his “Poor Poor Pitiful Me” act to XM with him, the sick little puppy. And he did such a job of attempting to spin-doctor his situation that TNA shouldn’t hire him, the Junta should. Since Big Johnson didn’t supply quotes, I’m going to have to quote from his summary instead and point out where Hardy is either being pathetic or outright lying:

He said that his brother Jeff wrestled for TNA on PPV last night and was burned out by the WWE schedule, so he left WWE several years back.

Okay, I’ll go with “several” equalling “two”, although “a few” would have been better. But “burned out by the schedule”? Uh, excuse me, but wasn’t Jeffykins obviously on drugs? Isn’t that why “creative” scaled him back to the B shows? Didn’t WWE say that they wanted him back, but only if he took a drug test? Didn’t he refuse and then got released, not quit? Hasn’t the collateral damage extended to the fact that OMEGA’s representation in WWE broken down to Shannon Moore? Pathetic.

Hardy noted that Edge had just been married a few months when he started seeing Lita. Hardy buried Edge big time, saying Edge admitted he had cheated on both of his wives, admitted to using steroids on “Off the Record” and poured a drink on “one of the diva girls” on a flight. He said Edge doesn’t have a lot of friends in WWE.

Ah, grapes can be quite sour. The “crimes” he’s charged Edge with are commonplace among the wrestling industry. Cheating on wives? Virtually everyone in the wrestling industry cheats on their wives. That’s the casualty of marriage in the industry. You’re on the road for over two hundred nights a year, and, well, guys get horny, especially with all those beautiful women around, all of whom have heard of Missy Hyatt and seem to use her as a role model.

Using steroids? Look at all of the freakish bodies floating around. Vince Loves Big Guys, so WWE wrestlers have to take every advantage they can, especially since Vince cuts quick. Note, please, that I’m not excusing the use of anabolics. They can kill. But they’re so damn easy to get that the temptation is there. They’re sold OTC in Mexico. Ask Hector Garza about that.

Poured a drink on one of the divas? Remember the Plane Ride From Hell? Vince pretty much gave everyone a free pass on that except for Scott Hall and Dustin Runnels. Reprimand at worst. If people have some use, Vince will forgive anything, including schtupping his precious daughter.

No friends in the locker room? Again, if someone has some use, Vince doesn’t care. With the push Edge is being given, Vince wouldn’t care if Edge was a member of the Church of Satan and sacrificing dogs in the locker room. He’s drawing money. Besides, I don’t have any friends among my fellow inspectors, but I have a job…well, for now.

Hardy said that it’s time for him to promote himself. He said that fans should chant “We want Matt” and “You Screwed Matt” whenever they see Lita and Edge live at shows.

Who the hell does he think he is, Ric Flair? Doesn’t he remember the fact that post-Smackdown Six, you could hear the crickets chirping on his entrance, no matter what was happening (e.g., teaming him up with Shannon Moore)? And shouting “You Screwed Matt” on Lita’s entrance sounds more like an indictment than an insult.

Hardy said that a company contacted him about he and Jeff sitting down to discuss a documentary on their careers…

In other words, RF Video. Gee, getting involved with Rob Feinstein is such a wonderful move, isn’t it?

and a number of companies have contacted him about making appearances.

In other words, TNA. As I said, they need competition for AMW, and the Hardy Boys will get enough of a push there to slap the belts on them without AMW losing any of their heat. If not TNA, then ROH, who’d have a problem pushing him because of their emphasis on “pure wrestling”. If not TNA or ROH, then some fed in Japan, most likely AJPW, the refuge for WWE guys who’ve been cut.

All in all, Hardy comes off badly in this interview. He’s an egomaniac who can’t understand why this happened to him, and prefers to put the blame on someone else. Right now, he’s justifying why Lita booked, nothing more. I’m not going to shed any tears for him.

THE INJURY BUG BITES, IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE

According to 1bullshit Junior, Chris Candido destroyed not only his ankle, but his tibia and fibula also. In other words, he shattered his whole leg. He’s a gimp right now, and not in the Pulp Fiction sense. And he expects to be back in six to eight weeks? Jesus would have to lay hands on him to do that. It took me six weeks to come back from back surgery and knee surgery, both of which were less extensive than this. Optimism is one thing, but Candido has to realize that he’s older now, and injuries take longer to come back from. Maybe if he was still Skip…and that’s a big maybe.

In addition to this, Abyss suffered a separated shoulder during Lockdown. That’s normally a “who cares” injury, but with Abyss, it’s a little more problematic. While this is healing, he’s going to have a large problem doing his “monster” act. And hitting the Black Hole Slam is going to be a lot more difficult. This might be bad for Abyss. He’s getting a big push right now (getting involved with A. J. Styles is considered a major push in TNA), and if he can’t heal up quick, then his push is going to transfer to Trytin. Too bad, because I like Abyss.

AT LEAST IT’S BETTER THAN YOUR AVERAGE WWE PPV

According to the Observer electronic edition, Toshiaki Kawada did show up earlier today at the NOAH Budokan Hall show for the first time ever in a NOAH ring, to set up Mitsuhara Misawa versus Kawada on 7/18 at the Tokyo Dome. Also on the screen after this announcement was the mention of Kenta Kobashi versus Kensuke Sasaki for that show.

All I know is that someone had better put up a torrent for this one at PWTorrents (which should be back and running today, albeit with a horrid ratio system), or something on Usenet, or I’m going to go on a rampage. Having those two matches on the same card is a dream for puro fans. Please, please, please let that happen.

Unfortunately, Raw happens as well, and I have to cover it. Let’s see what misery happened this week…

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Chris Jericho over Sylvain Grenier (Submission, Walls of Jericho): Boy, was this a fast-forward match if there ever was one. Everyone knew that the match was a prelude to a Benjy appearance. The real weirdness was with the crowd. They really turned on Benjy when he hit the T-bone. It was almost as strange as Christian getting face pops during the promo with Flair. Christian had to cut one helluva heel promo in order to counteract this. I don’t blame the English for this; the same thing would have happened back in the US. I do, however, blame “creative” for setting up this situation.

Mohammed Hassan and Khosrow Daivari over Mister Regal and Yoshihiro Tajiri, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Daivari pins Tajiri, top-rope leg drop): Very, very weird pacing to this match. It was going like gangbusters until Daivari pulled the rest hold on Regal, then it suddenly came to a near halt. However, both teams worked really well together and against each other. I have a feeling that this isn’t the last we’re going to see of these four in action in the tag ranks.

Edge over Val Venis (Pinfall, spear): Camera time match for Edge, and an angle advancement match (the Backlash match has hardly been pimped, even though it’s the default Match of the Night). Nice of Edge to include the standard “use the opponent’s moves” dis, though.

Dave Batista over Christian, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, DAVEBomb): Poor Christian. Finally gets the main event, and he has to serve in an angle advancement match, for someone else’s angle, no less. If I were Christian, I’d feel insulted. Hell, if I were Coachman, I’d feel insulted for having to participate in this farce.

Angle Developments:

Sartorial Choices: Some guys can get away with wearing a pinstripe suit. Batista is not one of them. And f*ck knows that I skipped that opening promo. Same old shit from Trip, Backlash pimp, blah blah blah.

Romance Blooms: Now this is an example of how “creative” got something right for a change. Viscera showed more personality in one night than he has during his entire WWE run combined, including as Mabel. I didn’t think he could pull it off, but he did. Bravo to him, and bravo to Trish for playing to this like a trouper.

A M
emo To “Creative”:
Please, please, please, for all our sakes, I beg you, stop the Chris Masters push. The guy has zero charisma, no presence on the mic, etc. The whole Kurt Angle ripoff gimmick isn’t working. Just press the abort button and get rid of Gym Bunny’s sorry ass.

Insulting: How dare they make My Beautiful and Beloved play second fiddle to that tramp Christy Hemme and make her come out to Hemme’s music? I swear I’ll take revenge for this one.

And that’ll be it for this one. Barring the big news is still the Japanese train crash, I should have something tomorrow. Someday, I have to get in a Wednesday column. Hopefully, this week is it. Until I see you next time, have a good one.