This week’s Stuff I Think and Shouldn’t Say is graciously brought to you by:
ESPN
SimGalaxy
Mdickie.com, Game Developer Supreme!
And
FINALLY
Employed M’Fers LIKE ME!
Yeah, I know, its been a long journey to getting my first job here in NYC. First, there was Tower Records jerking me around, and Virgin Megastore, for that matter. Then there were the 3000+ emails I sent out, that some HR person is probably using to wipe their pimply, fat asses.
I no longer care. I got a job, albeit not the best, but I will be able to pay my rent and bills. No more mooching. No more pinching $20 to last me a month. Nope, I am going to have income, and I couldn’t care less.
Let’s see what’s up with the world of music, shall we?
Keep Rockin’ It To The Tiptop, Best Alliance in Hip-Hop…
Remember kids: Ssquared doesn’t report the news for a simple reason; he doesn’t know how.
(Stolen, Um, Borrowed from Pollstar.com)
Seattle rockers Pearl Jam are going to Canada for the month of September to heat things up just before the winter freeze.
The tour will encompass 15 cities across Canada, beginning September 2 at Vancouver’s General Motors Place. The band will hit all major cities across Canada, ending with a show at Mile One Stadium in St. John’s, Newfoundland, September 24.
“It’s the most extensive tour of Canada by an international band of Pearl Jam’s stature that I know of, and it’s incredibly exciting and welcome news for Canadian music fans,” said concert promoter Paul Mercs, who is handling the promotion of the tour.
Another perk for music Canadian music fans is that they will be the first to hear songs from Pearl Jam’s forthcoming full-length. The as-yet-untitled album will be the band’s eighth overall and the first at its new home – BMG’s J Records.
Tickets for Pearl Jam’s fan club members are now on sale, while tickets for the general public are expected to go on sale at the end of May.
Well, it appears that the Canadian Ten Club Members will be getting the first taste of PJ’s new material. Eddie Vedder is quoted as saying, “Canadian beer is better anyway. We love America, but George W. Bush is a tool. He thinks “Rockin’ In The Free World” should be theme song for Operation Iraqi Nonsense, so he can eat my ass!”
Actually, Eddie didn’t say that. I did. Don’t sue me. I haven’t got shit anyway.
In “More Festivals I Cannot Afford To Attend” News:
Lollapalooza announced the lineup for its retooled, weekend-only festival.
Weezer and The Pixies are among the brightest stars set to take the stage at the festival. After cancelling last year’s traveling festival due to poor ticket sales, the festival will make its return this year as a one-stop, weekend festival July 23 and 24 at Grant Park in Chicago.
Festival organizers revealed the lineup for the concert this weekend.
Scheduled to play are The Pixies, Weezer, Widespread Panic, the Killers, the Arcade Fire, Liz Phair, the Black Keys, Death Cab For Cutie, Kaiser Chiefs, Louis XIV, Tegan & Sara, M83, Los Amigos Invisibles, Cake, Dashboard Confessional, Dinosaur Jr., Kasabian, Blue Merle, the Redwalls, the Changes, Dandy Warhols, Digable Planets, Brian Jonestown Massacre, Billy Idol, the Bravery and Blonde Redhead.
(credit: Aversion.com)
If you go, please tape the Digable Planets reunion!!! I just want to know that it’s still cool like that.
Ha!
Did anyone else notice that the press release had the word “festival” 6 times in 4 sentences? Methinks that’s bad grammar.
With their newest single, “Speed of Sound,” infiltrating radio worldwide, Coldplay has confirmed the first five dates of its late summer/early fall North American tour.
At deadline, the route begins Aug. 8 at the Tweeter Center outside Boston and runs through Sept. 24 in Houston. No opening acts have yet been announced for the tour, although they will reportedly include Franz Ferdinand and Rilo Kiley.
Coldplay has also been gradually confirming a series of North American club/theatre gigs to build buzz for its upcoming Capitol album, “X&Y,” due June 7. On tap so far are shows on May 4 in San Francisco, May 6 in Chicago, May 11 in Toronto and May 17 in New York. The day before the latter, Coldplay will tape an episode of VH1’s “Storytellers” program at Brooklyn’s Academy of Music.
(credit: Billboard.com)
Does anyone else really like “Speed of Sound?” I wasn’t disappointed, but it appears as though Coldplay has officially:
“SOLD THE FUCK OUT!”
Yup, I used to love these guys. Now I couldn’t care less. Their shit ALL sounds the same now. Ugh.
Moving on…
The Pussycat Dolls song “Don’t Cha” is my choice for song of the summer. That song is hot as all hell, and for some reason, I don’t mind that it’s repetitive as, well, all hell.
And, ladies, my girlfriend IS hot. I don’t need it raw, but this jam is kickass. It’s all that and a big of chips. It’s off the proverbial hook. It’s the dizzle, fo-shizzle. It’s tight, aight, yo!
Sorry, Mathan, I had to. I heard every one of these sayings on the way home from my interview today, so I am just spreading the gospel: White people…we CANNOT be black. It’s not possible. We cannot “wave our hands in the air, and wave ’em like we just don’t care!”
We, as white folks must “raise our digits vertically and oscillate them like we fear no repercussions.” We are corny, white people. Fuckin’ embrace it. We can’t “drop it like it’s hot.” White people all dance weird, kind of like Elaine from Seinfeld.
Just let it go, and I will stop bringing it up.
One Reason My Mom Is Funnier Than Yours
The following is an email I received from my mother this week. Imagine just how much fun senility can be in the Smith family:
Yesterday afternoon, I was watching the movie: Closer. Toward the end I kept getting a yucky taste in my mouth. After the movie, I went into the bathroom and figured I would maybe brush my teeth again to get the taste out of my mouth.
Well, when I stuck my tongue out it was all grayish green all over. I thought I developed a tongue fungus and was panicking; trying to figure if it would help if I swooshed my mouth with peroxide, etc.
I was freaked!
I was going into the living room to go on the computer to see about tongue fungus-black tongue, what I could do for it or if I had to go to urgent care. As I passed the jelly beans I then remembered I had grabbed one black licorice and eaten it when I paused the movie and got up to get more water.
Ta da – that was the answer!!!! I almost went to urgent care for my black tongue!!!
Yeah-ok laugh at me…
I hope my mind doesn’t go to jelly like this. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother dearly, but doesn’t it scare anyone else that she is allowed to drive?
“Oops, I am sorry I ran over your kid, but I was looking backwards, and the car accidentally went the other way. I have no idea why!”
or
“I was always wondering what that small envelope full of dollar bills was doing on the doorstep. Huh? I thought someone was helping us out as money had gotten tight for us. Someone should have written “for newspaper guy” if it wasn’t for us!”
Scary. I love her anyway…
…she’s the funniest person I know. That, and she gives me material constantly.
The Kid Got Amped and He’d Start to Figure…
Anyone heading to Coachella this weekend?
You NEED to check out Kyle David Paul’s Coachella A-Z. There isn’t a more comprehensive listing of ALL the artists and films showing at this year’s “must see” event.
Even My Conditioning Has Been Conditioned…
Here is an email I sent out to secure an interview earlier this week. I got turned down, so now I am posting my email here for everyone to see. Dan Hevia steals all the interviewing glory here at the ‘Pulse, so I am sticking my neck out like a tool.
Let’s see if it works.
Dear (non-discriminatory name for male or female elder):
My name is Shawn M. Smith, and I work for InsidePulse.com, a pop-culture website based here in Manhattan. Our primary demographic, the 18-34 year old male, have long requested more interviews from our site, and we have been doing our best to accommodate their requests.
We have recently conducted interviews with Kim Raver and Reiko Aylesworth as part of our extensive entertainment coverage, and are very interested, if possible, to see if we would be able to set up some time in the immediate future to interview (insert name of celebrity/person whom I would love to chat with).
If that is possible, ANY time today or tomorrow would be fine. I understand that Mr./Mrs./Ms. _____ is a very busy (submit SEX of requested star/entertainer), and has other commitments today as well, but if this is a possibility, please contact me as soon as possible.
Any help you could provide us with would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Shawn M. Smith
InsidePulse.com
I will let you all know if it works next week. Anything is worth a shot.
Hardcore Hustlin’ and Pimping Los Cinco Enfuegos!
First of all, if you don’t know who Los Enfuegos are; tough. It’s not my job to educate you all, I’m here for the money.
Wait, I don’t get paid? Shit.
Not even a cupcake?
Back on topic, a bunch of we “noobs” formed a faction in the ‘Pulse Staff-Only/Super Hush-Hush Boards, and pledged to take over this site. Let me know if you think we accomplished our goals:
El Pelirojo = Me! ‘Nuff said.
McCullar, a/k/a, Boricua Bonecrusher, writes about 35,000 articles a week. I struggle with one. Guess who is the Arn Anderson of this relationship?
Kern, a/k/a Chigger the Destroyer, holds it down over on moodspins whenever he wants. Let him be. He knows what’s cool, and he writes prose.
Mike Eagle, a/k/a El Camino Negro lays down the rules of freestyle shows, and analyzes religion’s place in hip-hop. Guess what, I got a rhyme:
A lot of white people raised in the ‘burbs think they’ve got flow/
They say the “N” word to their boys and end their sentences with “yo!”/
Black people should be offended for what we do to be like them/
It’s pathetic how offensive our behavior has become/
White people should be ashamed for all the “biting” we have done.
Thus, proving my point. White people have NO flow. Ya heard?
Now all I need is to end that rhyme with “Oops, Pow, Surprise!”
Last but not least, Dan Hevia a/k/a The Cuban Crippler, talks about wrestling…lots of wrestling. Doesn’t matter if it’s Raw or Smackdown, making fun of TNA, or writing frightening things about Victoria, Dan-O does it all.
Meanwhile, Back at the Museum…
Fernandez drops his newest Saturday Swindle Sheet upon us all. It wasn’t that heavy, but he gets a 9 out of 10 for trying. 9 = kickass! In case you were on the fence about reading it…psst, there’s chitlins.
Mr. Bootleg himself, Aaron Cameron owes me $20 for last week’s pizza. I just don’t know if I can live up to his standards, but I try. I really do. Oh, did I mention that Baby Bootleg is adorable? I did.
Shit. I’ve run out of stuff to say.
Maybe that’s a good thing. Until next week, keep it real!
Ssquared
