The Contender Episode 11 recapped 05/02/05

Last week, NBC bombarded us with two episodes in a row, seemingly as desperate to end the Next Great Human Drama as ABC was with Are You Hot?

Too bad we’re still in round two, and only Ahmed and Ishe have been eliminated. It’s also a shame that the first two to bite the bullet were the illiterate retard-egomaniac and the paranoid crybaby, two of the few sources of the show’s socalled drama.

Well, we’ll see if Joey’s cocksure manipulative sensitivity will help him out this episode when one player is sent to the ER!

Again, we rejoin the boxing boys outside the ring as Alfonso’s family celebrates his win over Ahmed.

Jesse lets us know the four untested boxers left in the second round have agreed on the specifics of next two bouts. Tis a shame that it has to be Jesse vs. Anthony and Joey vs. Peter. I’d much rather see Anthony destroy another hotbod like Joey’s.

The boxers welcome Alfonso back and Peter tells him that his fight was the best match he’d ever seen. This of course means, congrats for barely defeating your foe!

After the training, Joey whines that he is getting worn down. In this pussy condition, he believes that he should get the chance to fight Anthony. Of course, in a game based on honor and not brains, Joey must first ask and convince Jesse to break the original agreement. No dice: Jesse wants it to stay as is, so he can have the easy victory. Somehow it’s okay that he manhandle the handicapped, but “disgusting” that Joey wants the easy/strategic way out.

Either way, Joey will try his best to win the challenge so that he can determine his own fate, and therefore so will Jesse and Peter, to prevent him.

Sly pats Alfonso on the back for his last fight and gives him his prize. Next up is the usual bland reward: a shopping spree on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. Sergio is the guest picked and is shocked at the high-end prices. Alfonso says the day is a little taste of what’s to come.

In the living quarters, Joey transparently warns Anthony that after he wins the challenge (just a little cocky), he will match Peter and Jesse so that the following fight will be himself vs. the cripple. Joey thinks he is being kind by giving Anthony more time to heal, knowing this is the best possible situation to win this tourney.

For their new challenge, the boys meet up at a baseball diamond. Sugar Ray explains that the men will sprint across the field and grab speed bags in a series of rounds, losers being the slowest to arrive and grab a bag. Anthony opts out of competing, praying to the pantheon of gods that his injury will be healed by his bout.

Jesse and Joey, the buff studs of the pack, easily lead the sprints and end up in a best-of-three face-off. To get those bags these musclemen tackle and wrestle each other to the finish and to our homoerotic wrestling pleasure. Jesse gets the first, then Joey ties it up. Cue the suspense before Jesse snags the final one and wins the right to be the coward.

After making some dinner and letting the tension simmer before revealing his decision, Jesse admits privately that Joey could probably knock any of these men out, potentially with six-pack abs alone. Too bad the pretty fathe’s boy is apparently more of a spineless jellyfish than he is, which will signal his downfall.

Jesse predictably chooses to make a match between Joey and Peter.

Joey admitts that Jesse had simply made him live up to what he had promised. He also said move onto the fluff compliments, praising the greatness of his opponent Peter and the honor that will be fighting him.

Peter gets a surprise visit from his dad, who’ll attend the fight and try to out-inspire Joey’s father in helping him win the bout. The master of hyperboles, Peter claims this fight will be the biggest of his career.

Joey also gets a family visit from the family and Joey’s mom, a nurse, tells us she was originally scared when she first heard that Joey was going to box. But now, she supported him. If this isn’t dramatic irony, I don’t know what is.

In round one, Joey comes out swinging early, but Peter dodges easily and lands powerful shots of his own. Sly notes that Joey is hurt. Back in the corner, Joey seems to think he has a broken rib, but like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky or Chuck Norris in Walker, Texas Ranger, will not quit. Two bad, in round two, Peter continues a tempest of punishment.

Peter lands more blows for the third round, but before you think this one becomes another Brent-caliber technical KO, Joey gets Peter with a hard right, knocking him off balance. Joey makes a Hollywood comeback, putting Peter in a corner and pounding the man with the marker tattoo. The crowd of three dozen gets to its feet as the suspense goes on overdrive. Round four again has Joey connect a set of hard jabs and rights. It seems the fight is AGAIN even and will be settled by a fifth round.

The boxers trade blows until suddenly Joey raises his face with blood pouring from above his right eye. The referee declares an accidental head-butt and the ring doctor immediately calls the fight off. California rules state the judges must go the score-cards, and for the first time ever on this show, the announcer declares the winner by SPLIT-decision is Peter! DAMMIT!

Before the Sly-termed “heart and soul” and second-hottest pinup of the competition is sent home a doc examines him, declaring him fit for the ER, complete with gurney ride. To prove his courage, however, and stimulate our gag reflex, Joey opts to walk to the ambulance, with his father triumphantly by his side.