Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Pez Sourz, which are available in watermelon, apple, pineapple, and blue raspberry. Just like your mom’s panties… HA!
Actually, I really like Erasure…
Me, at work, 4/26/05
That was several days ago, and I am still incurring the wrath of my co-workers for having made that admission.
Note to self: Never again drink Maker’s Mark and PatrÃƒÂ³n in the same night, because projectile vomiting out of your nose really sucks.
My original plan was to get the meat and potatoes of this column started on Friday night, and make any finishing touches sometime on Saturday afternoon before sending it out. However, I was so tired from work on Friday evening that I passed out until around 10:30 and then decided to start off the weekend with a trip to my favorite watering hole. My friend and I finally got there at around 11:30, and since I wasn’t driving, I took it upon myself to be a liberal drinker. Now, mind you, it has been close to three months (back when I went to Amsterdam) since I’ve been able to drink, after having some gastrointestinal issues. After having those alleviated, I decided to take a crack at getting sloshed again, and dropped close to $80 on various spirits throughout the night. Something, however, that I failed to take into account was that after three months of not drinking, one’s system can be initially shocked and awed by a then non-routine alcoholic assault. Fast-forward a few hours, I had been drinking copious amounts of Maker’s Mark, and decided to cap off last call (at 3:30am) with a shot of PatrÃƒÂ³n Silver. This was something that I can’t even remember having done before, so I have no idea why I decided that it was going to be okay. Long story short, I got to bed around 6am, and woke up around 7:45am with some hardcore demons to exorcise. Re-read the above self-addressed memo for all you need to know about what happened for the next 30 minutes.
So, as a result, this column is being sent out a wee bit late, after I slept until 5:30pm on Saturday. Oops…
Here’s another quick “Dramatis Personae” segment, on account of the aforementioned.
Yahoshua Ben Yosef.
Save the rainforest.
NEWS TO USE
DJ Green Lantern has resigned as Eminem’s tour DJ amid rumors that he’s been cavorting with Jadakiss, who just so happens to be embroiled in a bitter feud with 50 Cent, another member of Eminem’s Shady Records camp. According to Green Lantern, “I was recorded without my knowledge, speaking with Jadakiss about his music, his response record [for an upcoming dis track against 50 Cent] … and it looks really crazy. And there’s a rumor going around saying that I’m filling Jada in on what 50 was gonna do, and that’s absolutely false. I mean, come on, is it really that big of a deal if I was helping Jadakiss figure out something that rhymes with ‘looks like a rhinoceros’?”
This just in... Elephants really like 50 Cent, too!
Ricky Bell of New Edition told reporters recently that the group would reform if Bobby Brown would be interested to take part in such a venture. “No matter what, we love that brother. … I mean, this is for real; this is no politically correct answer or anything like that. The door is open for him.” When reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet caught up with Bobby Brown at his home in Atlanta for comment, he said, “I’d love to rejoin the group, just as soon as I’m done beating the shit out of my wife and snorting this 6 pounds of coke.” Actually, he didn’t really say that, but I’m probably not very far off.
The 5th Annual Jammy Awards took place on Tuesday at New York’s Theater at Madison Square Garden. Although a few awards were given out to artists such as The Dead, Keller Williams, and the now-defunct Phish, the bulk of the presentation centered a cacophony of collaborations among singers including Phil Lesh, Medeski Martin & Wood, Travis Tritt, Huey Lewis, Mavis Staples, Disco Biscuits, North Mississippi All-Stars, Sinead O’Connor, Burning Spear, Bruce Hornsby, Buddy Guy, John Mayer, and Ahmir “?uestlove” Thompson. “Have you ever had a sandwich like that in your life?” Jeff “The Dude” Dowd told reporters. “A Huey Lewis, Mavis Staples, Sinead O’Connor sandwich?” Actually, I have, except instead of Mavis Staples, it had giardiniera, and it gave me some of the worst heartburn I’ve ever had.
Note to self: Replacing Mavis Staples with hot giardiniera = acid reflux up the yin yang
The Oprah Winfrey Show‘s “Wildest Dreams” bus made a surprise appearance at a Lincoln, Nebraska, high school on Monday, to pick up a pair of twin sisters to bring them to the filming of a show at Winfrey’s Harpo Studios in Chicago. According to eyewitnesses, several students went outside to catch a glimpse, however, the respective looks on their faces went from slightly amused to overtly disgusted when Clay Aiken came out of the bus. “It was horrible,” sophomore Amy Bartkowski told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet. “People were running away like something was on fire, and kids were throwing up everywhere, as if they’d mixed Maker’s Mark and PatrÃƒÂ³n the night before.”
Clay Aiken (left) and Paddock Laboratories spokesman James Locke answer questions from reporters after Aiken signed a promotional deal to help market Paddock's line of ipecac syrup.
The Dave Matthews Band settled a lawsuit lobbied against them after their tour bus emptied several tons of human waste off of a bridge and onto a crowded tour bus in the Chicago River last summer. The band, which was not present at the time of the incident, said that they would still take responsibility if it were confirmed that their bus was indeed involved. As a result, they will pay $200,000 to a Chicago-area environmental fund and will also take measures to prevent a similar situation from occurring again. These “measures” include recording when and where their tour buses empty the septic tanks, and making sure that if their bus ever does empty its septic tank over a bridge again, that’s it at least somewhere like nearby Gary, Indiana, where it more than likely wouldn’t be noticed.
While U2 was in Seattle last weekend, lead singer Bono was invited by Bill Gates to stay at his home. While the two had previously met through charity events, U2’s The Edge voiced his disdain for not also being extended an invitation, telling reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, “Everybody knows that I’m the one who wanted to sleep with Bill Gates. Jesus Christ, Bono always does this.”
Rapper Memphis Bleek was taken into custody by New York police after getting into a fight with some random guy outside of the NV nightclub on Thursday. He was later charged with second-degree assault.
R. Kelly was granted permission by a Chicago judge to leave his jurisdiction in order to shoot a video in Miami for an upcoming single. He was also granted permission to urinate on a maximum of two faces while out of town.
Justin Hawkins of cock rock revival band The Darkness will be releasing a solo album, titled British Wail, just months after the band’s second album will hit stores this fall.
Juanes, Paulina Rubio, and Juan Luis Guerra all won three awards each at Billboard’s Latin Music Awards in Miami, on Thursday.
After being turned down by The Black Eyed Peas, Paris Hilton is still trying to get some collaborators for her album. Most recently Hilton contacted Le Tigre to collaborate, although, according to the band’s manager, “that’s as far as it’s gotten. The girls still need to stop laughing about it before they give an official response.”
Carnie Wilson gave birth to a daughter, Lola Sophia, last Friday.
Elton John told Britain’s The Mirror that he and longtime partner David Furnish would be getting married in a civil partnership ceremony either later this year or sometime next year, after the U.K. passes a law enabling civil unions next December.
Finnish singer Sarah Nunes has released a song called “Simon Can’t Sing,” which attacks American Idol judge Simon Cowell. In other news, I will be having Chinese food for lunch tomorrow. I will probably pick the shrimp egg foo young lunch special.
After finding a successful match, folk singer Mary Travers, of Peter, Paul and Mary, will undergo a bone marrow transplant in the next month to treat her leukemia.
Wal-Mart is ready to launch a new mix CD program, which will allow customers to select from over 400,000 songs from the company’s online database, and burn them onto a disc to be shipped to them in 3-4 days. The custom disc can have a minimum of three songs to be sold for $4.62, and each additional song will cost 88 cents. Customers will also be able to select a title and a cover art image.
Ice-T held a charity event on Wednesday to help raise money for the Boys & Girls Clubs of America. The “T-Party,” which featured Tupperware products, raised almost $30,000. This was not a joke.
Depeche Mode has announced that they are recording a new album, and if all goes smoothly, it will be available this upcoming fall.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
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Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Donovan, “Mellow Yellow”
Blur, “Song 2”
Layo & Bushwhacka!, “Dead Man Walking”
The Jesus & Mary Chain, “Head On”
Future Sound of London, “Expander”
1000 Homo DJs, “Supernaut”
The Cure, “A Forest”
Future Sound of London, “It’s Not My Problem”
Underworld, “Born Slippy” (NUXX; Darren Price Mx)
The Doors, “People Are Strange”
Faith Evans, “Love Like This”
Deltron 3030, “Things You Can Do”
Michael Jackson, “Don’t Stop ’til You Get Enough”
Peter Schilling, “Major Tom”
Deadsy, “She Likes Big Words”
Duran Duran, “The Reflex”
Fugees, “Killing Me Softly With His Song”
MotÃƒÂ¶rhead, “Ace of Spades”
Neil Diamond, “Sweet Caroline”
Jefferson Airplane, “Somebody to Love”
The White Stripes, “I’m Bound to Pack It Up”
Better Than Ezra, “Good”
Skinny Puppy, “Smothered Hope”
Mr. Big, “To Be With You”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Mariah Carey recently told reporters that she’s in the process of writing a Broadway musical based on her 1994 holiday album, Merry Christmas “I’m such a festive person, and I love Christmas. I’m so over the top with it that this is a bit much, but it’s perfect for me,” she said. “I get a chance to live out my Christmastime fantasies vicariously through the show. I think it’s going to be fun and something families can go to see, especially families that include parents who really, really want to torture their children by making them watch horrible Broadway musicals based on crappy holiday albums that came out before they were born.”
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and since I was first brewed in 1777, I have been painted by Manet, loved by Napoleon, taken into the Wild West by Buffalo Bill and to the South Pole by Sir Ernest Shackleton. I was even a passenger on the Titanic’s maiden, and only, cross-Atlantic trip. All of these stories, and many others, are true testaments to the legendary character of me.