Summertime Blues, News, and Views: Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy

Hammerheads. The jukebox.

There are many fine drinking establishments in my corner of the midwest (because, to be honest, there’s nothing to do here but get drunk and/or have sex). One of our favorite haunts is Hammerheads. There are many reasons for this: ambience, pool tables, dart boards… oh, who am I kidding. We go there for 75 cent draws on Friday nights ($4.25 pitchers) and a buck a mug on Saturdays. Of course, cheap beer is always nice, and there are many places in town with specials. The real reason we dig Hammerheads so much is their rad jukebox.

Aside from having a wide variety of songs from many obnoxious bands, they have a feature where you can look up songs not in the actual jukebox from their internet database and play those at the cost of an extra credit. I have used and abused this feature often with “A Change of Seasons” by Dream Theater; hey, if I’m spending two credits on a song, might as well make it one that is 22 minutes long, right? The owner has been there when my friends played Slipknot, Slayer, and Fear Factory — not family-friendly songs, either — and he has since blocked them from being played. Regardless, we find plenty of other things to crank out.

Bonus: every Metallica album (and nearly every song on every album) is on the regular jukebox, no extra credits needed.

Anyway, on occasion, we will pump money into the jukebox to play songs only because we know they will drive someone crazy. It has nearly become tradition, for instance, to play a Rush song when Ryan is with us because we have mentioned he somewhat resembles Geddy Lee — and we know he hates Rush.

Last night, Matt opened the jukebox rotation with “Down” by 311. Oh f*cking joy. To make up for this, he played “E-Pro” by Beck, so I forgave him. The next tune was “The Final Countdown” by Europe, as we long since decided that it is one of the worst synth riffs in the history of music. Also of note is that someone else tends to play it often, so it seems sort of lonely around the bar when we haven’t heard it in a while. Next came the obligatory Rush (“Freewill”), Weezer’s “Hashpipe” (not for aggravation reasons, but simply because we hadn’t heard it in a while).

But the coup de grace was one of two songs that Ryan absolutely can’t stand, yet they get played in the bar constantly: Big & Rich’s “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.”

I am not a fan of country music, but that song is hilarious as all get-out. And it seems to be more rock than country, so I can handle it given the absence of twang. It has a good beat and I can dance to it.

The other big song right now that Ryan can’t stand is that Gretchen Wilson redneck chick song. Matt conceded that even he has limits of torture and wouldn’t dare play that song.

So, many beers were had, we laughed, we cried, we ate Cocoa Puffs, whatever. Someone else played “No More Tears” by Ozzy and I curled up with extreme happiness. While all wasn’t well during the entire night of jukebox madness, it’s these little moments of silliness among friends that make having to sit through “I Love This Bar” just a little bit easier.

I could have saved this story for a TTTT. Ahh well.

Alice In Musicland

From the AP:

A state legislator had proposed naming a 49-mile stretch of Texas Highway 130 being built around Austin in honor of the Texas country music singer.

But two Republican senators, Steve Odgen of Bryan and Jeff Wentworth of San Antonio, said they didn’t want Nelson’s name on the road that crosses their districts, citing the musician’s fondness for drinking and smoking, and active campaigning for Democratic candidates.

“It’s frustrating, and sad in a way, but at this point, there is no reason to make this an unpleasant experience for anyone, especially Willie, so I’ll take no further action on the bill,” said state Sen. Gonzalo Barrientos, an Austin Democrat and the bill’s author.

Barrientos said he wanted to honor Nelson “for so much good music and so many good works.”

When I was being born, a Willie Nelson song was playing on the radio. Then the doctor said something condescending to my mom and she whipped a wet washcloth at him. Good way to welcome me into existence, don’t you think?

Would they have been happy to name the road Ted Nugent Boulevard? I mean, he’s got the right political views, correct? Or maybe Toby Keith Drive? Wait, he smoked weed with Willie. That won’t fly.

Anyway, all I can say is that it’s sad that someone whose artistic works and general career is as noteworthy and historically memorable as Nelson’s has to be tossed aside because he likes the reefer and fights for the plight of the American farm family.

Never mind a couple of years back when a street named Anthrax Road (or Drive, or whatever) was changed because of 9/11. It had been named after the band, not the disease… although the band was named after the disease… whatever. There’s a point in there somewhere.

From E!:

Mötley Crüe is hoping to kickstart a search for a fan who’s gone missing.

The “Girls Girls Girls” rockers have announced they’ll match a $10,000 reward for information leading to the whereabouts of 32-year-old Tracey Gardner-Tetso. The woman disappeared on Mar. 6 en route to a sold-out Crüe show at the MCI Center in Washington, D.C.

When the Rosedale, Maryland, native failed to meet friends at the Red, White & Crüe Tour 2005 gig, her husband reported her missing. Her car was found abandoned on Mar. 17 in Glen Burnie, Maryland. Authorities have launched an investigation but have not said whether they believe it was foul play.

The recently reunited Crüe learned of the missing woman and decided to help Baltimore police help track her down.

“We hope our involvement helps bring more attention to this case, and anyone with information will step forward,” bassist Nikki Sixx said in a statement.

You know, the Crüe have been exceptionally gracious this time around. The first big gift they bestowed was hanging out backstage with two disabled fans who have loved them for ages. And now they’re taking an active role in trying to help find a missing fan? What nice guys. It almost makes a person forget about Vince getting into fights with everyone and their mothers, Tommy banging every famous blonde that comes near him, Nikki for being a nasty junkie, and Mick for looking like a scary monster creature. Their new single isn’t bad, either.

One of them is going to have to scrap, and quickly, before they get some crazy image as being cuddly teddy bears instead of hard-drinking, rough-living rockers from the LA abyss. If there’s any band that can kill a positive image, these guys can do it in a heartbeat. Go get ’em!

And to people who say that Iowa is the land of boring lameness, this item from the other side of the state, courtesy of Blabbermouth:

Two people were arrested as the result of a disturbance during the SLIPKNOT concert at the Mid-America Center [in Council Bluffs, Iowa] Friday night.

The incident began during the concert when audience members rushed a door that was to be used to enter the main floor of the arena, Council Bluffs police reports stated.

When they weren’t allowed to enter, some people in the crowd started to push on the door and throw tables and chairs.

At approximately 8:45 p.m., Council Bluffs Police officers who were working at the concert made calls asking for assistance from other officers. At that time, additional officers, deputies from the Pottawattamie County Sheriff’s Office and Iowa State Patrol troopers arrived to assist.

When more officers arrived, audience members were trying to ram the doors with a table. While officers tried to push back the crowd, one person allegedly instructed others in the crowd to “rush the police,” reports stated.

During the disturbance, people also began throwing things at the officers.

A Council Bluffs Police officer was pushed aside and used pepper spray to try to disperse the crowd. Reports indicated that a TASER was also used after someone threatened an officer. The suspect that was TASERed, identified later as Paul Howard, 28, of Omaha, was treated by paramedics at the MAC and arrested for rioting and interference with official acts. He was then transported to the Pottawattamie County Jail.

The crowd then reportedly calmed down and was allowed to enter the main floor as the concert continued.

Iowa cops don’t f*ck around. It’s like Short Man Syndrome: you’re a police officer in Podunk, Nowhereland. Nothing ever happens. You will never make a $45 million drug bust. You will be lucky if you ever have to take part in a murder investigation. So when something halfway interesting starts to happen? Watch out, because these bad boys get all excited when they get to take out their billy clubs.

Never mind that Iowans never have any real reason to riot, so they’ll take any excuse they can get when they’re bored.

Anyway, I saw more people injured at a New Kids on the Block concert in Ames, IA when I was in 8th grade. Seventeen people went to the hospital due to stampeding teenage girls. No tasers were involved, no three percussionists necessary, no angry lyrics whatsoever. Hope that puts the entire situation into perspective.

Other than that, just a few music news notes:

The Project Hate MCMXCIX is currently mixing their latest disc with a possible July/August release date. Haven’t heard it yet, but if K knows what’s good for him, I will hear it soon enough. Heh.

Bruce Dickinson has a new solo disc to be released May 24th, Tyranny of Souls. This one I have heard — I’ll get around to reviewing it here shortly — and although I was never a huge Maiden fan, I have to say it should be in my rotation for a while.

Phil Anselmo‘s ex-wife is auctioning off Pantera memorabilia on eBay. I can’t wait until I can be an evil ex-wife someday. Guess I should worry more about meeting someone first, no?

Gigantour‘s touring lineup is being finalized as we speak. Like I mentioned a couple of weeks back… I wouldn’t miss this for the world.

And now I’m out of music stuff to talk about, unless we want to get on the topic of Britney’s baby. Here’s what I am thinking we’re going to see:

My Opinion Matters

Some people out there seem to think so, anyway. One of these groups of people seem to be 311 fans.

Now, you may or may not recall a little column I did a few weeks back about awful songs. Apparently, some 311 fanboys took particular exception to the fact that I can’t stand “Down,” or any other 311 song I have ever heard.

Not that I have ever thought that my taste was universal or godlike, but I was quite surprised at how angry these little kids became when I shit all over their favorite band.

I’d like to suggest that you try and broaden your musical perspectives a little more before you write any more reviews. Some of this article I can agree with. However, some of it is just poorly written bashing with no defined explanation for justification, and some of it is just flat out off the mark. For example: 311 – Down. BEST 311 song? Lady, how many 311 songs have you heard? If you were familiar with their library you’d know that “Down” isn’t even in their top ten. At the same time, it’s nowhere close to an awful song. I’m sorry, but, being a musician of 16 years and a recording engineer, I’ve come to learn a few things about music that most people never take the time to recognize. I don’t want to go on any further so I’ll just say that your article was awful. Clearly you lack the musical maturity to discern good from bad. Find a new career.

Johnny Bennett

At least he recognized that I’m a chick.

I like his mass generalizations. They’re adorable.

You better do some research next time you start bashing on 311.


Like what? They smoke weed and make shitty post-reggae, pseudo hip-hop, whining rock? I hate the band, that doesn’t mean I have never heard them. I don’t know what more research I would need to do to decide whether they’re good or not.

This is my favorite:

[18:17] Brock Banter: you cant write for shit
[20:59] Brock Banter: you wanted feedback? Here’s mine: your column is an abomination as well as your writing ability
[21:01] Brock Banter: not to mention your music choices
[21:04] Brock Banter: apparently you don’t have the backbone to defend yourself either
[21:04] Brock Banter: coward
[21:05] Brock Banter: :'( dont cry, you still have your looks…oh wait…scratch that

And people wonder why I have moved on from not just bashing 311, but also to bashing 311 fans. Guys, if you want your arguments to have any sort of clout, you might want to reel this retard in. He’s tarnishing your “good names.”

Column regular Jon Seibel asks:

Recently I was listening to an online radio program & heard 2 of the hosts get into a shouting match over whether or not Guns N’ Roses was a hair band. What’s your opinion?

They weren’t a hair band. Just like Tesla wasn’t a hair band. I choose both of these specifically as artists who constantly get thrown into the hair band catch-all, even though they really had no glam aspects to their music (and really, that’s what “hair bands” were all about — the glam image). This doesn’t mean that Axl didn’t pile his hair up to the sky with Aqua Net for the “welcome To the Jungle” video, and Jeff Keith of Tesla didn’t try to do something poofy with his awkward mop. It was the style at the time, but it never translated to the music they produced.

Anyone who says the Scorpions were a hair band is also way off of the mark. Same with Twisted Sister, who may have had the goofy glam thing going on, but they were ugly as sin and proud of it, making tunes that were closer to punk than poppy hard rock.

And finally, I found this IM in my Trillian logs:

[15:24] CJDelRay: Hey Gloomie, if you didn’t have a bf and you could date either Eric S, Flea, Scott Keith, or Hyatte and eventual sex was definitely on the horizon. who would it be and why?

There are so many things I could write here, but I won’t. I am a dignified lady, goddamn it. I’ll plead the fifth and hope all of these guys are getting laid without my intervention.

The Rad Ones

The aforementioned Eric Szulczewski thinks Beck’s just a one-trick pony? That’s tragic. Buddy, e-mail me your address and I’ll send you a mix CD. Then I’ll show up at your house and we can talk about music, politics, and meat products. It’ll be fun.

Shawn M. Smith has the same initials as I do, and this really trips me up. Plus, he has a job! He just went to NYC and he got a job! Crazy. I thought I had heard it’s much harder than that.

In case you haven’t heard, the new WWE game is f*cking terrible. Lucard writes best when he’s angry, too.

Bill Ellis wants to know, WHY ARE YOU NOT READING WEBCOMICS??. Personally, I only keep up with IHL and PBF. That’s plenty.

Tal Aulbrook somewhat misunderstands the point of “teasers” to our lovely IP articles. You’re lucky I obeyed your orders, mister. Now, please put down the exclamation points or I will have to put you in a time out.


I skipped a few sections today because as of this writing I’m preparing for a business trip. I got the new car washed, I packed my one nice piece of luggage, and now I’m tying up loose ends before earning my 40 cents per mile and swimming on the company dime. I am an absolute anxious wreck when it comes to long car trips, though, and I hate being in strange places all by myself. I’m so glad that it’s only for two days — and if you’re reading this on the day it’s posted, I’ll be heading home this evening to read your showers of happy fanmail. Heh.

I’m out of things to say. Some lyrics? Okay.

One of my all-time, ALL-TIME favorite songs. Good luck tracking it down.

Memory save me I’m f*ckin up.
Constantly laid on the ground.
Looking for signs on the ceiling
(she wants me to know she wants me around).

Think I was moving to something.
Thought I was sailing along.
Had to be sailing for someplace
(thought I was right, but I must have been wrong).

You do make a beautiful blinder,
you hide things I don’t want to see.
Your arms cover me like a blanket
and maybe it’s all that I need.

Memory save me I’m trippin up.
Picking up bones from the ground.
Throw me a chain and I’ll climb it up
(thought I was up, but I guess I was down).

You look like a dream I was dreaming,
a dream of a boy by the sea.
You must have eyes just like mirrors,
’cause I thought I was looking at me.

Close your eyes,
think of the Best Thing To Say.
iampathetically lost
and maybe you made me this way.

Memory save me I’m f*ckin up.
The sun’s just a spot on the sea.
I know I was reaching for something
(thought it was you, but I guess it was me).

And the world is a wonderful target,
she was a wonderful world,
but God is a girl who won’t listen.
She was an insolent girl.

Close your eyes
and see what you’re doing to me.
She catches my eye with a cynical smile
and says, “I Cannot Solve All I See”.

I had a dream
(dreams would fill my head,
but I let ’em all slide, american-style,
for a blanket that lays on my bed


I wanted to find an innocent mind
but only found myself waiting.
I laid on the floor, you walked through the door
and now I feel myself fading.

I wanted to find an innocent mind,
but only found myself waiting.
I laid on the floor, You walked through the door
and now I feel myself fading.
Now I feel myself fading.

I jumped on a meaningful wave
that carried me right to the shoreline.
I laughed when my face hit the sand
and swam out again for the joyride.
I told you the things that I want
and you gave me just what I needed.
It’s just like my father would want,
but I couldn’t smile when he did.

I boarded the windows and doors
and took the clock down from the ceiling.
But I kept my head to the floor
’cause I had a confident feeling.
Somebody called me today,
I answered the door kind of hazy.
He told me to leave all my clothes,
he told me to tell you you’re crazy.

I followed him out to the street,
he pointed and quickly departed.
And left me to travel for weeks,
till I get to the place where I started.
And I just want to be where I started,
I just want to get back where I started,
and I just want to be where I started,
and I just want to get back where I started.

Chroma Key. Second only in my universe to Dream Theater.

And now I have to run.

Had to choose between the Bible and the phone book,