The Crucifix

The quality of this one will be questionable at best. I finished watching season 1 of 24 last night around 3 in the morning, meaning I have had almost no sleep. Funny enough, I started watching season 1 earlier in the day. Yes, I went through the entire season of 24 in one day. Screw Iron Man Matches, that’s endurance. On with the show…

Raw thoughts before I get to Backlash. If you want to remember or see what happened on Raw, go here.

– Yeah, trot out JR for his victory moment. Because the best way to make your World Champion credible is to have him be the protector of your commentator. Also, the best way to make Dave look like a bitch is for him to mention that JR is the number one contender. I know it’s supposed to be funny, but it’s actually true.
– Christian is the man. The “Don’t look at me like that in my dressing room.” was perfect in it’s timing and made him seem very credible with Flair.
– So now that we know Christian is going to be traded or drafted or mailed or whatever to Smackdown, how many more people are going to watch that show?
– For what it’s worth, since Edge’s soon to be ex-wife said she looks like a man, everyone has been saying Lita looks like a man. I laughed this off until her interview on Raw, because looking at her, I was like “that’s not your Lita, that’s a man baby!”
– Why have Christian run to Triple H for help? Because friggin’ Kane came out and hurt Tomko? Trips did a nice job with the “Michael Cole huh?”
– The best part of Raw, The Masterlock Challenge. Funny how I always border upon suicide when this thing comes on. I just have no tolerance for shitty segments.
– Nice of Hogan and HBK to show up.
– Nice, have the tag champions get beat by the Arab Americans. Then have the Arabs beat Regal down in his country. Nice of Hogan and HBK to show up.
– Anyone else find it funny that Edge blocked The Money Shot? I figure he would be a big proponent of it.
– Here’s the thing about the segments with Trish and Viscera: If they had done these things remotely different than the Sexual Chocolate/Chyna “Big Dick” Laurer segments of yesteryear, then maybe they could have been more fun. But hey, that’s why people get paid to write the shows, specifically the 90210 writers and stuff.
– They do a wonderful job of trying to ruin Christian by having him be reliant on everyone and their mother to beat Batista yet still losing. But you can’t stop Captain Charisma; he’s just too damn good.

Backlash

Did I order it? No, of course not! I had enough monetary problems trying to get a damn VCR; you think I’m going to order something that involved Triple H vs. JR in the buildup? That’s like going to Neverland Ranch for a good nights sleep. Fuck that. When I don’t buy the show and just download it later on, I generally look at our report, which can be found here, to see how good the show was. Let me say this: If PK doesn’t sound excited in his writing, there is a good chance the show wasn’t a good one. So, much like any TNA Pay-Per-View, I’m going to give my opinion of shit without actually seeing it. That’s why you like me…all 5 of you.

– Shelton vs. Jericho looks like it was awesome, and PK has indeed confirmed that it was. So awesome, in fact, that he set up his figures of the two afterward and redid the match in his living room. Thus, there was a tiny delay in our live report. Damn action figures.
– It’s about time they gave the Hurricane and Rosey the damn belts. Seeing as how they had the Arab’s beat Tajiri and Regal on Monday, you figured they wouldn’t win. Most thought that The Heart Throbs would take it. But nooooo, the ugly Matt Hardy problem comes up again, as they don’t want Helms to flip out and kill Edge. So what do they do? Give him a belt! GENIUS!
– Ten bucks says Edge used that brick on Lita. She has been looking nasty lately. Kudos to Benoit for lying down and doing his job even when he shouldn’t.
– PK’s recap of Kane vs. Viscera is a thing of sheer beauty.
– Seeing how Viscera destroyed Trish afterward, I doubt his push will continue. Unless he teams with Snitsky and they just kill women and children. “Women and children first!”
– Wow, good to see that young up and comer Hogan is finally ready to break out. Honestly, I think they should split Daivari and Hassan. Ship Daivari to Smackdown for the Cruiserweights and put Hassan in a program with Matt Morgan…down in OVW.
– Official transcript of Christian’s rap:
“On RAW, you’ve got Batista with muscles to spare
But he’s got charisma, like Tomko’s got hair.

You got Triple H and Ric Flair, their legend still grows
26 titles between them, and the world’s biggest nose.

Have you heard the one about JBL, you know the rich guy on SmackDown!?
Well I hear his taxes are still soaring
But he’s no wrestling God, just a God of boring.

Seems to me I’m forgetting somebody…who am I forgetting?
Oh yeah, he’s the guy that inspired this little rap, the WWE Champion John Cena.
Well I got a little something for him

You wanna hear it? Well it goes a little something like this.

Hey Cena, you think I’m jealous of your fortune and fame
Well you talk like Snoop Dogg, but you look like Corey Haim
So after the draft, whether it’s RAW or SmackDown!, JR or Michael Cole
I will be champion, cuz THAT’S HOW I ROLL!”

Classic, purely classic.

– There has been a bunch of criticism of Batista since he won the title, but all of us know it should probably be directed at Triple H for keeping himself in the title picture. Their match didn’t sound too exciting, and HHH hitting the Pedigree on a ref afterward means the feud isn’t done yet. Unfortunately.

Show doesn’t sound overly exciting, and with only 6 matches, should it? I don’t want to be too critical here, but maybe they need to find new writers. Maybe some people who aren’t from Hollywood. Maybe some people that buy the shirts of the wrestlers. Maybe some people that buy the tickets. Because hell, I’ve been watching for over 14 years and I can tell you this: I can write this shit a hell of a lot better.

Smackdown

– Carlito’s Cabana with Kurt Angle turns into the Angle Invitational.
– Chavo Guerrero def. Paul London via countout, but celebrated like he won the title.
– Heidenreich reads a poem to Booker T and his wife. They like it and Heidy has friends.
– Eddie, Rey and Chavo talk/bicker backstage.
– MNM def. Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero when Eddie wouldn’t tag in to Rey.
– John Cena def. Rene Dupree
– Matt Morgan dddededef. Mikey Whiplash
– JBL won the Fatal Four Way for the WWE Title Shot.

The Smackdown Membrane
Legally:

– Carlito spitting the apple on the guy Angle beat is assault…I think.
– While Eddie not tagging Rey isn’t illegal, it’s just plain f*cked up. He’s a midget for Christ’s sake! Would you let your 4-year-old brother get beaten up? Of course not!
– Kurt Angle and Booker T are guilty of assault with a deadly weapon.
– Orlando Jordan and The Bashams are guilty of violating the Calvin Klein laws.

Personally:

– Carlito just might be able to talk his way through the mid card. Angle, as always, is priceless.
– Are you telling me that the Cruisers are so neglected they’d use the “celebrate because you won, but you didn’t win the title” bullshit? This is Chavo Guerrero…I know all about the horse but he isn’t stupid.
– I don’t care how funny he gets; Heidenreich is still going to suck the meat missile in the ring so they should cut this shit out.
– Wow they finally turned someone! Eddie the heel is back, meaning fans will have new creative “Eddie mows my lawn” signs.
– Chaingang soldiers unite to see their leader beat…Rene Dupree? What is wrong with this picture?
– MMMMatMat Morgan’s new character is fun. He still sucks, but the stuttering is fun.
– Is it “Bury our new champions month” in WWE? Nobody needs to see Cena take on JBL again. Regardless of how much you liked his reign, JBL still isn’t exciting or fun to watch and Cena can’t carry the match. You need Angle to do the job because he can make Cena look good. But hey, I’m just an internet writer.


The Crown Of Thorns

Raw:
– Jericho does the full turn on Shelton tonight, setting up a match for the night of the draft.
– Triple H challenges Batista to Hell In A Cell…sadly, he accepts.
– Victoria sneaks in and wins the World Title from Batista, utilizing a new 24/7 rule.
– We are informed that Trish won’t be around for about a year.

Smackdown
– The big build for Cena/JBL 2 begins with The Bashams turning on JBL and joining Cena.
– Heidenreich reads poetry, someone enjoys it.
– Angle takes out Booker T’s wife.
– Eddie runs Rey over with a lawn mower.


Victoria rules because she’s like the ghost character of Raw. Think about it: We never see her because she isn’t “hot” enough to be a sexy, slutty Diva, but she’s bad ass enough that when we do see her, we know it’s on like Donkey Kong.

Visit Victoria at ViciousVixen.com


– Since nobody gave me a Christy Hemme report, I’ll thankfully put that one to bed.

– Chris Candido died, pretty much shocking the shit out of everyone. To be honest, I’ve barely seen him since he was Skip and Sunny was “AOL’s most downloaded celebrity,” so I don’t really have too much knowledge about how he turned out. Of course over the past few days I’ve been able to find out that him and Tammy (I knew about Tammy) had a bunch of crappy habits and he had apparently turned his life around right before he died. That is sad, and it’s something you hear all the time. It seems as though whenever someone rights themselves, something bad happens to them. It sucks, but it’s a part of life. Hopefully he rests peacefully and Tammy can get through this. Lord knows she’s got to be on people’s Dead Pool lists.

– Tito Ortiz signed with TNA to ref a match. More moves like this, not only will TNA be dead, but Panda will be extinct.

Dustin Rhodes got arrested for a domestic incident. And his whore girlfriend went to the Impact taping without him! That’s like a Lita level of hoism.

– Hogan says him and Austin would be “…the Geritol match of all time.” This after he wrestles and defeats two young up and comers. Love this business, love it.

– Got this in the old email box after last week’s column and will respond in kind…and in bold.

Dear Dan
Just a couple of responses:

1.”Well, screw you Pam Schneider! It’s the loony left
like yourself that tried to screw our boys 40 years
ago”

By “screw”, I assume you mean “bring back home so they
didn’t have to get killed/ wounded in a war that the
US never should have been involved in” (However, I
agree that Fonda’s association with the North
Vietnamese was inexcusable. Not only were they the
enemy, they were totalitarians who practised torture)

The US should never have been involved in the war, right. But this thing called 9/11 happened and we had to take the fight to them so we weren’t dealing with it in Times Square. You can’t say that Iraq would’ve never done anything. You also can’t say they would have done something. But plain and simple, all the terrorists are flooding a place far, far away from me. I’m cool with that.

2.”Once a traitor, always a traitor”.

Donald Rumsfeld shook hands with Saddam Hussein ( and
delivered him a hand-written letter from Ronnie
Reagan) in 1983.

Listen, I’ve shaken hands with some people that I would regard as complete scumf*cks in my life. Did we see Hussein as a threat in 83? I don’t believe we did. But Fonda aided our enemies. Rumsfeld shook a dudes hand. There is no comparison, no matter how much the left wants to have everyone hating on Rummy.

3.”As for this “unjustified war”, just remember that
if it wasn’t for the United States fighting the good
fight, we wouldn’t be safe”.

Even the White House concedes that Iraq has no weapons
of mass destruction, never had the capability of
developing WMD and never had any formal ties with
al-Qaeda. However 11 of the 15 9/11 hijackers were
from Saudi Arabia (none were from Iraq or had any
Iraqi connections)

What’s your point? Like I said, terrorists are flooding that region. They are being brought to one place and being killed. Will people point to statistics that show terrorism up? Yes, and those stats are true. The reason for terrorism being up is because they have to fight and try to put fear into people before the United States takes them all out. Because if they put enough fear and doubt in our people, then our people will quit and cry that we should just leave everyone alone. Thankfully we’ve segregated those people into the Democratic Party.

4.”We didn’t fight for 8 years of Blow Me Bill and
what happened when he got out of office? But that
must’ve been Bush’s fault because the left said so”.

Uh, no. It was Bush’s fault becasue IT HAPPENED ON HIS
WATCH . Clinton sent missiles into Sudan to get at Bin
Laden. Name me one single thing Bush did prior to 9/11
that in any way impacted on al-Qaeda ( aside from
supporting and hosting al-Qaeda’s state sponders-
Saudi Arabia)

Clinton sent a missile that didn’t come close to bin Laden and said he couldn’t take him out because he didn’t have reason. Although bin Laden was a known terrorist, Clinton and his PC loving f*ckers felt that it would create too much of a situation if they took him out. So he didn’t. As for Bush, you think 8 months, most of which are spent getting caught up to intel from the previous administration, would be enough to stop people who were planning this since the first attack on the World Trade Center, which happened under Clinton’s watch? I don’t.

5.”Oh, and good luck running Kerry vs. Clinton for
your primaries in 2008. He’s a veteran without any
cajones”

Sadly, you’re closer to the truth on this one. No
-one can dispute that Kerry’s obviously a braver man
than Bush ( vietnam vet v. Nat Guard dodger), but
Kerry did display a certain timidity when dealing with
Dubya in the last election. If Kerry had of shown that
footage of Dubya panicking on hearing of the world
trade center attacks, I’m sure he would have won the
election.

Quick question: You’re the President…you’re reading to kids…someone comes up to you and says building are blowing up…would you panic? I’d be a little flustered. Also, Kerry’s bravery in Vietnam is questionable, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt in that he was there.

6.”and she’s a psycho that set a horrible precedent
for women by sticking with her cheating husband”

Debate all you want about Hillary’s sticking with
Bill, but what has she done that would label her a
“psycho”?

She’s a psycho, power-craving idiot for staying with him. Sorry folks, but in the world I live in, if I cheated, I would expect my significant other to leave me at the least. I’d be afraid of getting beat down as well from crazy family members. But Hillary stayed because of her political career. She knew they called him Slick Willy for a reason. The man could have put so much spin on the situation that he would’ve come out roses. She stayed for herself.

7.”That and their both nucking futs”

Dubya is on record as stating “I believe humans and
fish can co-exist peacefully”.

And? They can, it’s a proven fact

Dan, will you have the courage ( That you decrie the
left as lacking) to print this in the next edition of
the crucifix?

Regards

John Alexander

Shiiiiiit, of course I’ll have the courage. Don’t challenge a Cuban, I’ll bring enchiladas and life rafts to this bitch.

– This was up on our site last Friday morning:


Good work Blatt, I knew you could make it big on here.

– Oh…my…God…Becky…look at her Bible!

– The AWA is trying to suck some of the Hogan nostalgia it’s way. Did any of you know that Bret Hart was champion of my fantasy league? He was!

– Lita is such a whore! She can’t just keep her hands to herself; she wants the big black men now!?

– Chloe O’Brien shooting people ups her attractive level to, like, infinity.

– The ECW Pay-Per-View is taking shape. I’ll say this: If Stephanie McMahon appears, I am taking a one-month break from all things wrestling. That’s a promise.

– The 24 Insider is a fantastic source for those who can’t wait.

– There is a website dedicated to getting Vince McMahon to give wrestlers health insurance, reduce their schedule and stop drug use. I’m not going to put the name of it here because of this flier they asked people to hand out at wrestling events:

Sorry, but when you say on your site that Vince McMahon isn’t directly responsible for a majority of these deaths and then ask people to hand this out, you’re being hypocritical. Plain and simple, this list will grow and grow and there will be no change in the industry, no matter how many of these you hand out. This isn’t an office job. This isn’t all wine and roses. This is wrestling. This is a business where you are in tights; oiled and muscled, fake fighting with another man. All the while you’re doing things to your body that no right-minded human being would do. They do it because they love it and we love watching it. That won’t change. Getting health insurance and a reduced schedule won’t do a thing except for take more money out of their pockets. Drugs will always be there, because most people can’t get through the pain of doing what they enjoy without them. Enjoy the show, find a new goal.

Till Thursday…oh…that reminds me…sorry for flaking on the Thursday Pulse last week. Real life grabbed me by the balls and said “YOU WILL COME WITH ME SIR!” See you Thursday…Adios!

Loading...