The Backlash of Backlash begins tonight.. or something.
Tonight, nobody is sick…
Nobody is on a date…
NOBODY IS FRIGGING LEAVING!
It’s time for the only Raw Report that talks back…
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
But first – the Wrestling With The Rabble:
Joining us are Jenna, Hernandez, Laura, Eric, with Dani on the way and the roommates in the wings trying to decide what the worst 80’s song ever is. (When I left they were discussing Toto)
Last night on Backlash, nothing particular happened – as was expected. Tonight, we get more of that!
Batista is backstage talking with Christie, that’s two great tastes that taste great together, but they are interrupted right off the bat by Eric Bischoff.
“Eric wants to make out with Batista.” – Hernandez
Bischoff is going to start an 8-Man Tournament called the ‘Gold Rush Tournament’ where the opponents don’t know they are in the match until the announcer calls them in. “Do you like that name?”
“NO!?” – Me
Anyway, the first match is tonight, and at least we get some mix-up before the draft next month. Bischoff gives Batista the night off, but in fact Batista wants a match… versus… BISCHOFF! He says it, but he was in fact, kidding.
The first ‘Gold Rush Tournament’ match begins… Coming out first isssssssss..
CAPTAIN CHARISMA! — his opponent…
KANE! w/ Limpy Lita
Christian vs. Kane
We sit and pontificate about how wide open Lita’s shirt is, and Christian starts off by talking smack to Kane. Kane giggles and they lock up. Kane powers Christian through the ropes and out of the ring. After a moment of reflection he comes on back in, and the lock-up is ducked and Christian starts punching Kane in the head. He hits the ropes, and eats some boot! Kane clotheslines Kane over the top rope and follows suit.
Kane charges Christian, and a drop toehold to the stairs. Christian tosses Kane in and starts beating him against the second rope. Kane fights to his feet and they fight to the corner, where Christian continues to do a second rope beatdown. They both look a bit sloppy tonight, and I have YET to hear a Lita chant. Christian hits a face first DDT and gets a two count.
Kane comes out of it fighting, lifting up Christian and throws him down to the mat. He goes for the chokeslam, but Christian reverses it into a sleeper – Kane reverses it into a side slam.
The ending goes quick with Christian poking Kane in the eye, going for the Unprettier –
“With Kane, shouldn’t they call it the ‘Prettier?'” – Hernandez.
Kane reverses it, chokeslam and that’s that.
Tomko runs in for the beatdown, but eats some more boot instead. Kane goes outside and celebrates with Lita.
“Is she wearing DRAPES?!” – Eric
“Yeah, beef curtains..” – Me
Backstage, here comes Christian and he’s stopped by Flair. Apparently Christian can’t remember what he rapped about Trips and Ric – well, Flair remembers and does a little ditty for Christian.
“You just lost the match kid,
So take it from the Naitch.
The winner of the tournament,
Is gonna be Triple H…. WOOOO!”
He then struts on out.
“And Flairflops onto hard concrete!” – Me
We fade in to another Hogan retrospect, including a nice little bit of him from last night to promote the replay of Backlash.
Now though, here comes Muhammad with Akbar. They are all suited up, so no wrestling Akbar tonight.. that almost makes me upset.
Stupid sign: “GO HOME” (Because that’s Cleveland)
Good sigh: “DAVAIRI SPEAKS ENGLISH”
Hernandez has bailed to read the manual to God Of War which he just purchased. He (Hassan, not Hernandez) does announce that he is NOT involved in the Gold Rush tournament. He blames all of us for his losses.
“We blame Canada” – Eric
He also blames… AKBAR!!!!!!!
“Cool we get a FACE AKBAR!” – Me
“..it’s a trap?” – Hernandez
“THAT’S MY LINE!” – Me
Hassan beats down Akbar, and the crowd chants.. Hogan? Probably because they can’t pronounce ‘Davairi’ .. I’ll get them to chant Akbar one day.. oh yes.. one day.
We do the long stroll up the ring as Akbar stumbles behind Hassan. Sadly, he doesn’t attack back… yet?
We comoe back and here comes Viscera… with a cloak..?
“DARTH VISCERA!” – Hernandez
“I was thinking more of Bat-Viscera – FLY FATASS FLY!” – Me
So he’s not only got new music that sounds like he’s coming in from Tales From The Crypt, but he’s gonna talk. Last night he proved how physical he can be, and he showed his hunger… for –
“Oreos” – Hernandez
Love. He turns his attentions to Lillian Garcia, and the entire room is completely repulsed and uncomfortable. He is interrupted by….. Simon Dean?! Apparently, Simon is the face!? Oh, no local sports rib – now who is the face!? Aw crap I’m so confused.
“Hey Simon Dean – He needs a towel!” – Dani (upon entry)
“Why?” – Me
“He looks like he might get sweaty!” – Dani
Bell rings and Viscera chops the hell out of Dean. He gets tossed against the roeps, slides underneath Viscera, but gets thrown instead. He charges Viscera and gets slammed. He’s picked up and Tree Of Woe’d, stomped in the face – and the big butt bump.
Viscera goes for an elbow, misses and Dean gets two. Viscera fights Dean to the corner, Dean climbs the second rope, leaps, but Viscera pushes him down and Dean looks like he smashed his head against that ring floor. Flying squishy onto Dean, and that’s that.
WINNER: Viscera – and nobody else
Viscera announces to Lillian that he’s back on the market.
“The Boston Market” – Laura
“The Black Market” – Eric
He licks his fingers and.. errr.. that’s it.
What other match might we see during the Gold Rush Tourny?
“Benoit vs. Edge – rematch” – Me
“Benjamin vs. Snitsky” – Hernandez
“Mmmm… Benjamin” – Laura
“Jericho vs. Trips” – Eric
“Anakin vs. Obiwan!” – Dani
“Edge vs. Trips” – Jenna
Hey, Stacy is in Stuff Magazine! Bischoff admires and heads to his office where Trips is waiting patiently – and rationally discusses why he got screwed out of the title last night. He wants no tournament. He wants his rematch. He wants it now. Bischoff explains quite nicely that given Trips’ treatment of the referees he’s lucky to be IN the tournament.
In the backstage is Twangy McBigguns. She’s introducing Shelton Benjamin, another guy in the Gold Rush tournament. He’s interrupted by Chris Jericho who claims that Benjamin is in fact, not a bitch. He claims that he MUST get that title match – he hasn’t had a match for a one on one versus the champion, and he wants it baaaaaad.
“Did he say he hasn’t had a woman in 3 years?” – Laura
“That’s what I heard..” – Hernandez
“Totally gay” – Dani
So, they shake hands, and our faces are ambiguous again.
We then get a good 10 second shot of Chris Candido – In Memory of. The Rabble discusses how Vince should of put together a little video package, but at least they did somethinng.
Our next ‘Gold Rush Tournament Match!!!!’
First off SHELTON BENJAMIN! and his opponent issssssssss
H B K
Shelton vs. Shawn
“Does every week, Shawn gain more accessories.. one week he’s just going to come out in chainmail, so they can’t spear his ribs!” – Dani
“That makes me think of Scott Steiner” – Eric
“Awwwwww” – Me
“We haven’t seen him, so..” – Eric
“Yeah, but by you saying it, you are summoning him!?” – Hernandez
Starts up with the a lockup and some greco-roman style take downs. Shawn realizes he is in fact, getting his ass beaten and goes for the ropes. They size up again and Shawn gets him in a headlock. He brings it around to a hammerlock, Shelton reverses it, Shawn reverses it. Take down from HBK again, sit out from Benjamin and once again.. BENJAMIN WHUPS GRECO-ASS!
Size up, lock-up, headlock and a headlock takedown from Shawn. They rise to the feet, Shelton hits him against the ropes and gets the crossbody onto Shelty. They bounce ropes and Shawn reverses a hiptoss for his own.
Another exchange of ropes, and Shawn eats TWO armdrag takedowns from Benjamin. Great technical stuff, and Shawn backs up as he’s getting taken to the mat. They charge each other and Shelton gets the headlock and DROPS Shelton down. Shawn keeps tilting the headlock to pin Shelty, but gets twos.
They fight to their feet, and go back to headlocks… Shelton hits the ropes, Shawn shoulderchecks Shelton and then rolls him up for a pin. Shelty gets up, tosses Shawn AGAIN, but Shawn holds the ropes and elbows Benjy, but Benjy clotheslines him over the top and we gooo….
(Good god there was alot of action in that..)
Back in the match, Shawn goes for a belly to back superplex, buty Shelty reverses it into a flying crossbody. My guess is that wasn’t supposed to be on live TV. Anyway, they crawl to their feet, and Shawn hits the ropes, catches Shawn and
Shelton is going NUTS!!!! Clothesline! Clothesline! Clothesline! Bendy backbreaker! Pin! 2!
Finally Shawn hits the ropes and Shelton drops down and eats a boot. He takes the crossbody and they are BOTH down…
SHAWN KICKS UP!
SHELTON KICKS UP!
They exchange two counts back and forth! Roll-ups drops, and a match that has stolen the night! Shelton does the Shelty Splash, and goes for his finisher, but Shawn reverses it, and back body drops Shelton.. almost landing him on his neck. Shawn crawls to his feet, and JESUSKICK MISSED! Spinning Back Kick… 2 count that almost gets it!!!!!!!
Shelton brings up to the top for a superplex, but Shawn beats him down to the mat, the Leap Of Faith Elbow, and Shawn is going crazy (and bleeding out of his mouth).
“AND STIGMATA!” – Hernandez
Shawn starts stomping out the Choir
J E S U S K I – CAUGHT BY BENJAMIN – SPINNING KICK TO SHAWN’S FACE! TWO COUNT!!!!!!
Shelton leaps to the top rope, (A FREE STANDING LEAP!) VERTICLE CROSSBODY TO SHAWN!!!!! Shawn gets out at 2!!!! Shawn THROWS Shelton over the top, but Shelton springs to the top rope and leaps ACROSS THE RING.. He EATS a Superkick!!!! ONE TWO THREE
WINNER: SHAWN MICHAELS!
I don’t rate f*cking matches, but that was a 5 star frigging match! Shelton has officially declared himself a main eventer.. win or not!
In the ring, Shawn prays over Shelton’s body, and that’s that.
Backstage, we find out that Edge is in the Gold Rush Tourny, which is a bit confusing since he already has a title match, but that means TWO title matches. He does refer to Interviewer Todd as a ‘Chumpstain’.
Edge walks over to Victoria and Lita… uncomfortable.
“KISS HIM LITA!!! DROP TO ALL FOURS!” – Hernandez
He makes fun of them and walks away. Wow, I would have loved to hear what the crowd was doing during that segment.
Opinion of Michaels / Benjamin:
“Speechless!” – Hernandez
“Kick to the face was marvelous” – Jenna
“HHaahahahaaaaaaa (that was in ecstasy)” – Laura
“Whee! But Benjamin should have won.” – Dani
“Sweet God! Oh, and Michaels needs a new pair of boots” – Eric
“Like I said – five stars.” – Me
Coming out now is our NEW Tag Team Champions, Hurricane and Rosie!
HURRICANE & ROSIE vs. LA RESISTANCE
Tag Team Champion Match
Rosie starting off with Sylvan. Rosie tosses him into the corner, but Grenier comes and starts punching, he leaps over Rosie, but gets squishied for 2. Rosie picks him up, but Sylvan tosses Rosie against the ropes – Robert drops the top rope and out goes Rosie.
Hurricane comes after Robert, but Sylvan blindsides him. They toss in Rosie and goes for a 2 count. Robert takes a tag and they double team Rosie, the flying clothesline over the top. Rosie tries to fight out of the corner, finally getting a roll-a-dope to tags in Hurricane. He gets Sylvan to the top rope – hits a Hurricane-Rana – Rosie heads on in and they do their finisher which seems to be a Sideslam/Reverse Bulldog.
“I still want him to turn into Parallax” – Eric
WINNER: ROSIE & HURRICANE
The Smackdown Rebound? What happened between Eddie and Rey Rey? Who is the good guy? Who is the bad guy? OH CJ AMBROSIA KNOWS!
Now it’s time for our 3rd Gold Rush match tonight – here comes the Man With The Case… it’s EDGE!
“His briefcase holds Matt Hardy’s contract” – Hernandez
“Or Marcellus Wallace’s soul” – Dani
His opponent… Y 2 J!
Lockup to start, they fight to the corner and seperate. Second lockup and Chris gets the armwringer, it gets turned into a side headlock from Edge. Wristlock tries to drop Edge with it, but it’s reversed by a hairpull from Edge. Now the shoving match begins.. but Jericho slaps the taste out of his mouth and now Chris with HUGE chops and headshots to the corner turnbuckle.
Edge tosses Y2J to the corner, Chris leaps to the top and gets thrown outside by Edge. Edge throws in Y2J, and drops some elbows. He picks up Y2J and hits a backbreaker. Edge stretches him over his knee, Batista watches on from the back.
“Did you notice they gave Batista a really nice TV to watch, but not a chair” – Eric
Edge continues to choke Chris against the second rope. Edge mocks Jericho a bit, does the running stompy bit, but Chris hits with a stungun. It seems Chris might have hurt his wrist, as he goes and hits a Hurricanrana with a pin for 2.
Chris continues to beat down Edge, the enziguiri, he goes and hits the cross rope bulldog – but misses and eats some Edge boot. Edge slides out to get the briefcase, but the 2nd rope dropkick drops him, followed by the plancha to the outside.
(Lost time as we continue to make fun of the announce team.. apparently every move is a shade of another move. Shades of Big Bossman. Shades of Kane. Darkest match.. ever!)
Edge climbs to the top, floating missle dropkick for…. TWO! Jericho eats a spear and that’s that. Apparently Jericho will continue to be buried until he decides if he is going to renew his contract. I almost want him on Smackdown…
We get a Happy Birthday wish to The Rock. Awwww….
Now here comes a man that has more suck written on him than Muhammad… Chris ‘Yawnfest’ Masters. Tucked into his jock is some more money. He’s upped the offer to $4000 with a Red Sox t-shirt and a signed football..
So Masters looks out into the audience.
“You.. the plant!” – Hernandez
So not only is it a plant. It’s a plant wearing a Backlash t-shirt. So Masters sits the guy down, locks it in and… 5.. 4.. 3… 2.. yeah whatever.
Now, there was a bit of a discussion on the forum boards about how amazing it is that we declare that these guys are plants. Let me just say that the problem with the entire bit is that Masters isn’t doing anything creative. The fact that he has big evil bad Indy wrestlers isn’t heel enough. If they had him whipping old men and .. you know what, it would still suck. The fact is that they are using plants just makes it OBVIOUSLY suck.
Backstage, here comes Trips and Ric.
So who’s coming out to face Triple H?
“Road Dogg” – Roommate Randy
“Chyna” – Hernandez
“Batista!” – Dani
“Ric Flair” – Me
“Eugene’s back!” – Jenna
So here comes Trips… 20 minutes later…
TRIPLE H vs…. ????
(These are suspense dots.)
TRIPLE H vs. CHRIS BENOIT
Bell rings and they lock up, Trips charges him into the corner, and Benoit spins him around to chop him once.. hard.. ouchie!
“Slaps the nipple off his chest!” – Hernandez
Side headlock from Benoit, against the ropes and a knee to the gut from Trips. Goes for an atomic drop, but Benoit flips out of it. Chris goes for a sharpshooter, Trips crawls to the ropes and Chris sends him to the mat. Chris hits the snap suplex and fights to get the crossface. Trips slides out and they fight outside. They both slide in, Trips throws Benoit to the corner and elbows him to the back of the head. Benoit crawls over the top rope and is lying there, eyes wide.. He does NOT look ok.
(We discuss the possibility that Benoit is actually hurt)
Back in and Trips is punching Chris square on the top of the head. Seems that this might be a bit of a brick-sell. Trips now has the advantage, and Chris really does look glazed.. who said he can’t work it? Benoit begins to fight back though, tosses Trips against the ropes, but gets caught in a sleeper.
“As Benoit’s eyes just pop RIGHT out of his head.” – Eric
“Trips is gonna blade!!!” – Herandez
“Right now?! During a sleeper?!” – Me
Benoit drops, so Trips heads right into the turnbuckle. They are both down, Trips makes it to his knee. Benoit charges Trips, and gets caught into the sleeper, but he goes sideslam all over him. They crawl to their feet again, and he hits the first of the trip-germans. Trips blocks the second, spins him around – goes for the Pedigree, but Chris spins it around again into the rest of the German suplexes.
Benoit climbs the top and HITS the headbutt! The first time in years! A long pause for the pin, and Trips gets out at 2.
“Benoit is looking a bit purple…” – Me
“Shades of Grimace” – Hernandez
Benoit goes for the sharpshooter, but Flair comes on in, and the ref has to stop Benoit, Trips capitalizes and knocks out Benoit AND the ref. Now the doubleteam begins. BATISTA’S MUSIC HITS!
“I called it!” – Eric
“SHHHHHH It’s a SNEAK attack!” – Hernandez
Batista comes in and clears out Trips. He clears out Ric. Hunter tries to hit the Pedigree, it’s reversed into a Spinebuster. Batista slides to the outside and tries to talk Benoit awake… and it actually starts to work!
“Batista is now a motivational speaker.” – Me
Benoit gets up and hooks in the sharpshooter!!!!!!!!!!
They crawl around the ring as Trips is locked in the center. Batista is actually screaming BACK at Hunter and waving at him. Trips almost gets it, and Batista actually pulls the rope AWAY!
HE WINGe…… wait a second..
screams.. rants.. raves… HE TAPS!?? HOLY MOTHER OF GOD HE TAPPED!
WINNER: C H R I S B E N O I T!!!!
Our second round of the tourny is Edge, Kane, Shawn, and Benoit. Nice line-up.
“My printer’s not working.” – Dani
“Wow!” – Eric
“Batista and the ropes, excellent.” – Jenna
“An interesting tournament now that Triple H lost.” – Hernandez
“Best Raw in weeks!” – Me
“Edge sucks, but Benjamin looked GOOD tonight.” – Laura