What a Tease!

Archive

Hi kids. Welcome to another exciting edition of What a Tease! I am Norty News Guy and we’ll get right underway this week. What time is it?

Crowd: You’re dead

That’s right! It’s Trailer Time!!!!

They love me………………

New Trailers Online this Week

Basically, you’ll get a direct link to the trailer, the main stars involved in the film, the ‘Plot According to Yahoo’ (Or IMDB if it’s an Apple Trailer), the length of the trailer and the *estimated* release date. You’ll ALSO get the following: The Spoilerish ranking – what this basically gauges is how much of the movie the trailer gives away, on a 1-10 scale; My Analysis of the trailer, sometimes being pretty straight and narrow, sometimes being witty and sarcastic, sometimes both; finally, you’ll get an Overall Rating, which is ‘calculated’ based on the length of the trailer, it’s ‘spoilerish-ness’ and, well, how I feel about it. It IS my column, after all, but I promise the ratings will be fair and make sense.

New Trailers This Week:

The Adventures of Shark Boy & Lava Girl in 3-D

Starring: David Arquette, Taylor Lautner, Cayden Boyd, Kristin Davis, George Lopez

The plot according to Yahoo: A 10-year-old outcast is shunned by classmates and forced to spend summer vacation alone. With his two imaginary friends (Shark Boy and Lava Girl) he goes on a mission to prove dreams can become reality.

Length: 2:13
Spoilerish: 4
Release Date: June 10th, 2005
Analysis: Sure enough, we’d come off the awesome-ness that was last week with a film like this. I have to tell you, I was pretty much turned off to this thing even before I saw the trailer. Look at that cast! Former WCW champion, former Sex and City ‘star’, former….erm, whatever George Lopez is. Watching the trailer was no different. I guess I’ve finally lost complete touch with my ‘kids movie’ roots, as this just looks damn silly to me. Then again, I look at Spy Kids and scratch my head at that too, so who am I to say anything. This is a trailer for the kiddies, complete with crazy/goofy special effects and simplistic heros to rally behind. Not really spoilerish or anything else. I mean, it’s a KIDS TRAILER people! Nothing else I can say, really, unless your name is McCullar, then this is RIGHT up your alley.
Overall Rating: 8 (It’s for the kids)

The Devil’s Rejects

Starring: Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, Sheri Moon Zombie, Matthew McGrory, William Forsythe

The plot according to Yahoo: The unthinkable horror and chaos continues a few weeks after the events depicted in “House of 1000 Corpses,” as this film’s focus shifts to a conflict between the various evil family members of the first movie and a new set of murderous loonies, in a blood-soaked road movie. With two gangs of bloodthirsty body-mutilation enthusiasts set loose at each other’s necks, who will emerge victorious? The conflict starts when the ‘house of 1000 corpses’ is raided by a S.W.A.T. team, where the events of the first film are discovered in all of their horror. As the maniacs the media dubs “The Devil’s Rejects” flee the scene of the many, many crimes as their house burns down, they take off on a bloody road trip…

Length: 1:35
Spoilerish: 5
Release: July 22nd, 2005
Analysis: I will not get excited. I will not get excited. I will not get excited. House of 1000 Corpses……House of….oh hell, this trailer is awesome! Forget the first movie and what might have been, this looks like it will set everything right. The atmosphere in the trailer is fantastic and the acting is perfect for the kind of film they are presenting. The trailer is quick and dirty, presenting some hardcore and disturbing scenes. Fans of the genre will love this one, and I highly recommend those who were turned off by the first one to take a look at this. It’s pretty impressive, and the potential to be awesome is huge.
Overall Rating: 7.5

Heights

Starring: Glenn Close, Elizabeth Banks, James Marsden, Jesse Bradford, George Segal

The plot according to Yahoo: ‘Heights’ follows five characters over 24 hours on a fall day in New York City. Isabel, a photographer, is having second thoughts about her upcoming marriage to Jonathan, a lawyer. On the same day, Isabel’s mother Diana learns that her husband has a new lover and begins to re-think her life choices and her open marriage. Diana and Isabel’s paths cross with Alec, a young actor, and with Peter, a journalist. As the interrelated stories proceed, the connections between the lives of the five characters begin to reveal themselves and their stories unravel. Isabel, Jonathan, Diana, Alec, and Peter must choose what kind of lives they will lead before the sun comes up on the next day.

Length: 1:51
Spoilerish: 5
Release: June 10th, 2005 (Limited)
Analysis: I must be groggy and out of it, because I didn’t get any of that ^^^ plot from this trailer. It looks like a human relationship piece, yes, but the fact all the characters interact over a 24 hour period? The trailer definitely did not go anywhere near that. As it is, it’s an average length trailer with what appears to be a solid cast and good acting. The plot is present a bit, but its easy to get some of the characters confused, or not know who anyone is at all, really. Overall a decent trailer for a limited release film.
Overall Rating: 6

Flightplan

Starring: Jodie Foster, Peter Sarsgaard, Erika Christensen, Sean Bean, Haley Ramm

The plot according to Yahoo: Flying at 40,000 feet in a cavernous, state-of-the-art E-474 aircraft, Kyle Pratt (Foster) faces every mother’s worst nightmare when her six-year-old daughter Julia vanishes without a trace mid-flight from Berlin to New York. Already emotionally devastated by the unexpected death of her husband, Kyle desperately struggles to prove her sanity to the disbelieving flight crew and passengers while facing the very real possibility that she may be losing her mind. While neither the plane’s Captain Rich (Sean Bean), nor Air Marshal Gene Carson (Peter Sarsgaard) want to doubt the bereaved widow, all evidence indicates that her daughter was never on board resulting in paranoia and doubt among the passengers and crew of the plane. Finding herself desperately alone, Kyle can only rely on her own wits to solve the mystery and save her daughter.

Length: 2:29
Spoilerish: 8
Release: September 23rd, 2005
Analysis: I’ve never been a big Jodie Foster fan. Not that she’s not incredibly talented, but more along the lines of just not ‘doing it’ for me. That being said, she looks like she is back for a role she seems pretty good at, and the plot of this one is pretty original. The trailer comes across as intense and emotionally deep, and everything clicks like it should. It really looks like it could be a solid suspense film. Unfortunately, the trailer runs pretty long, and it spoils a LOT of the movie. That’s all I’ll say here about it. If you want to go into this movie without knowing how most things will pan out, skip this trailer. You’re better off.
Overall Rating: 3.5

High Tension

Starring: Cecile de France, Maiwenn Le Besco, Philippe Nahon, Frank Khalfoun, Andrei Finti

The plot according to Yahoo: Two worlds collide disastrously — a rusted delivery van barrels through cornfields; meanwhile, Alex has brought her friend Marie to spend the weekend at her parents’ country farmhouse to escape the hectic pace of Paris. Behind the van’s wheel, the driver caresses ripped photos of young women; at the same time the girls get ready for bed dishing girly gossip. At the end of the road lies an isolated house, caught in the van’s headlights; as the girls close their eyes, an intruder is about to turn their innocent dreams into a relentless and bloody nightmare.

Length: 2:29
Spoilerish: 4
Release: June 3rd, 2005
Analysis: Holy hell. Where the hell did this thing come from?? The last I saw of this film, it was looking like a silly Texas Chainsaw clone. They made a good choice in releasing another trailer, as this sheds a whole other light on the film. And it looks scary as hell. The first thirty seconds are peaceful, the next minute and a half is creepy as all sin, and the final thirty seconds are a blur of images and a climax that is just perfect for a teaser trailer. All of this, done in two and a half minutes, with minimal spoilers, and it has left me wanting more. Outstanding.
Overall Rating: 8

The Legend of Zorro

Starring: Antonio Banderas, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Rufus Sewell, Anthony Hopkins, Nick Chinlund

The plot according to Yahoo: Zorro, the gallant alter ego of Don Alejandro de la Vega (Antonio Banderas), built a legend and helped establish peace in California, but Don Alejandro has now fathered a son and built a quieter life with his wife Elena (Catherine Zeta-Jones). Injustice, however, still abounds, so the swashbuckling swordsman finds that he may not have donned the black cape and mask for the last time.

Length: 2:29
Spoilerish: 6
Release: September 23rd, 2005
Analysis: I found the first movie pretty entertaining. It had the right mix of comedy, drama, and action and was pretty good overall. The trailer for part two has me a bit torn, though. The trailer makes it seem all about the action, with the family drama being a secondary plot device. Then again, action, sword fights, and explosions sell movies they say, so who knows, the final product could be very different. There are some really cool scenes here, spoiler-like as usual, but very cool. The ending is also cool and funny, and this may hold up as a worthy sequel. Time will tell.
Overall Rating: 6.5

Wedding Crashers

Starring: Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Rachel McAdams, Christopher Walken, Will Ferrell

The plot according to Yahoo: Vaughn and Wilson star as a pair of divorce mediators who spend their weekends crashing weddings in a search for Ms. Right…for a night. But when one of them falls for the engaged daughter (Rachel McAdams) of an influential and eccentric politician (Christopher Walken) at the social event of the year, they get roped into spending a weekend at the family’s palatial waterfront estate and quickly find themselves in over their heads.

Length: 2:32
Spoilerish: 7
Release: July 15th, 2005
Analysis: This is a bit of an enhanced trailer, with more footage than the first one. It’s a bit more on the spoiler side of things, but it’s still damn funny. Even if you have seen the first trailer, you’ll be laughing at this one too. This is going to be a funny, funny movie. My only complaint is the fact that the first trailer was perfect, and this one gives away a little too much. Not everything, but more than the first. It knocks the score down a little bit, but it’s still above average in the end.
Overall Rating: 6

Trailers for Films Opening This Very Weekend! (Weekend of May 6th, 2005)

Crash

Starring: Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon, Jennifer Esposito, William Fichtner, Brendan Fraser, Ludacris, Thandie Newton, Ryan Phillippe, Larenz Tate, Tony Danza

The plot according to Yahoo: A Brentwood housewife and her DA husband. A Persian storeowner. Two police detectives, who are also lovers. A black television director and his wife. A Mexican locksmith. Two car-jackers. A rookie cop. A middle-aged Korean couple. They all live in Los Angeles. And, in the next 36 hours, they will all collide.

Length: 2:32
Spoilerish: 4.5
Analysis: Well, this certainly is a little gem. The trailer is your typical long fare, but the cast is stacked and the plot involves what, 13 people all about to crash into each other? The film looks deep and the trailer is solid. It’s hard to call it spoilerish because there is just so much going on that you actually don’t really know what’s going on, and it’s kind of confusing. But it shouldn’t really bore or turn you off either, and that is very good thing.
Overall Rating: 6.5

House of Wax

Starring: Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray, Paris Hilton, Jared Padalecki, Jon Abrahams

The plot according to Yahoo: A group of friends on their way to a college football game falls prey to a pair of murderous brothers in an abandoned small town. They discover that the brothers have expanded upon the area’s main attraction – the House of Wax – and created an entire town filled with the wax-coated corpses of unlucky visitors. Now the group must find a way out before they too become permanent exhibits in the House of Wax.

Length: 2:24
Spoilerish: 8
Analysis: Pretty creepy trailer. The cast looks pretty solid and we’ll probably get to watch Paris Hilton murdered on screen, so huzzah for that. Speaking of which, don’t you HATE IT when a horror trailer gives away the entire plot, some of the scary sequences, AND shows you how someone will die? Yeah, me too. Looks like a horror movie with potential to actually be decent, but skip the trailer if you don’t like things ruined for you.
Overall Rating: 4

Kingdom of Heaven

Starring: Orlando Bloom, Eva Green, Liam Neeson, Brendan Gleeson, Jeremy Irons

The plot according to Yahoo: KINGDOM OF HEAVEN is an epic adventure about a common man who finds himself thrust into a decades-long war. A stranger in a strange land, he serves a doomed king, falls in love with an exotic and forbidden queen, and rises to knighthood. Ultimately, he must protect the people of Jerusalem from overwhelming forces while striving to keep a fragile peace.

Length: 4:47
Spoilerish: 8
Analysis: Holy hell. You want to talk about epic – I don’t know if the film will come off that way, but this trailer is HUGE. Almost five minutes long, you’ve basically got the entire movie in this trailer. I mean, I thought the original length trailer was spoilerish enough, but this thing is just nuts. The movie looks like it has the potential to really wow people if they do it right, though the casting seems less than inspired on some counts. As a trailer it’s just….wow. I’m sure it leaves a nice chunk of the film unspoiled (at two and a half hours, it better) but it’s just such a turn off for so many reasons. Thumbs down for the extended edition – stick with the regular one in the end.
Overall Rating: 3.5

The Number One Movie in America!

Every week, I’ll take the number one movie in America and put its trailer here, just in case anyone hasn’t seen it yet (or you just loves the trailer).

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

Starring: Martin Freeman, Mos Def, Sam Rockwell, Zooey Deschanel, Bill Nighy

The plot according to Yahoo : Earthman Arthur Dent is having a very bad day. His house is about to be bulldozed, he discovers that his best friend is an alien and to top things off, Planet Earth is about to be demolished to make way for a hyperspace bypass. Arthur’s only chance for survival: hitch a ride on a passing spacecraft. For the novice space traveler, the most astonishing adventure in the universe begins when the world ends. Arthur sets out on a journey in which he finds that nothing is as it seems: he learns that a towel is just the most useful thing in the universe, finds the meaning of life, and discovers that everything he needs to know can be found in one book: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Length: 2:26
Spoilerish: 5
Analysis: Now, this is the trailer that should have been the official Guide one since the beginning. It’s pretty damn funny and definitely captures the essence of the Guide that is Hitchhiker. It’s also very creative, which should capture the attention of those not familiar with the books or film. Plus, having seen the film, I can say the trailer is spot on. It only reveals a little bit, but perfectly captures the essence of what the film is all about. It’s a great movie and this trailer is great for it.
Overall Rating: 7.5

Wrapping it Up

So, that’ll do it for another week. I know there are some nice DVDs coming out this week (No, National Treasure is NOT one of them) but I’ve run out of time and I have to get this sucker posted ASAP. Any thoughts or comments, send them my way, and, as usual,

Until next time…..