The Weekly Pulse: The Gatekeeper's Guide to Movies

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Hi everyone. Welcome back for another edition of the Guide, written by your loveable yet damn overworked movie news guy.

Real Life is Damn Entertaining

-Lots of reports coming out of Britain screaming about voter fraud and all the like, but of course nothing you would catch on CNN in the morning (Or anytime on their site). People across the globe shook their heads at the idea of the Brits re-electing Blair with all the shit that’s come out against him in recent weeks, but sure enough, guess what happened. Of course, not all things are working out perfectly for Mr Blair, not at all.

-Iraq death toll tops 270 in NINE DAYS. A war sold on lies that continues to be fought by a liar and a criminal in the White House. How do people not call for impeachment? What is it going to take? Oh, wait, they were Iraqis, not our soldiers, so it’s okay! Tools….

-A North Carolina church asked nine members to leave since they refused to support Bush. Forty more have left in protest. Translation? Democrats get excommunicated for not worshiping Lord Bush. Un-friggin-real. And the pastor has the brass to claim this wasn’t “politically motivated”. Bullshit it wasn’t. Political action + church = removal of tax exemption immediately. But, with Bush running the show, that will never happen.

Maryland regulators quickly stepped in and told the stations that their prices were too low. They needed to go up by 5 cents. Words don’t describe……

You Mean Inside Pulse Talks About Stuff Besides Movies?

Turns out we do.

Wrestling – An interesting week, as speculation about the upcoming draft lottery continues to hover around.

Games – Psychonauts is loved, Spy vs. Spy is disappointing, and THQ screws its customers again.

Music – I’m not a big music guy at all – I listen to a little bit of everything. But if YOU are big into this kinda thing, you’ll fit right in with this crew.

TV – These guys really do a lot of important interviews with big-name TV stars. Plus, complete coverage of all the popular shows like The Simpsons, American Idol, 24 and more.

Sports – I don’t do sports, but these guys do, and they do a hell of a job too.

Comics -These guys make me want to start collecting and reading comics again. A fantastic section that you’d be hard-pressed to find better elsewhere.

Figures – Grown men play with/collect dolls/figures. And you do too. Or you will after you check these guys out. So read them, because they’re a very fun section of our site.

News You can Use – And We Abuse

You know the deal by now. J. Kern and myself take most of the news from the week, post it here in one easy-to-find spot, and then commentate on/make fun of/rip it up. We’ve decided to stick with the format of talking about ‘interesting news’, partly because we’re pressed for time and partly because news is pretty slow and stale (Plus, implementing it now means I’m off the hook when there’s a lot of interesting news again). Oh, and I need to address one other thing, and thus make an apology. Sorry, I will NOT post silly gossip as news. So long as I’m in charge of all things Movie News, the focus stays on legit stories and ‘legit’ rumors and the like. If you really need to read and discuss Katie Holmes ‘dating’ Tom Cruise, do it somewhere else. Only a handful of people have said anything, but that’s more than enough to warrant this little disclaimer. **Ahem** Now then, on with our little gig here….

Arnie Back for Terminator 4 in ’08?

Terminator 4 may be delayed for a couple of years, but that might also be considered a good thing. Arnold Schwarzenegger may then have time to return to his most famous role. It was previously reported that he would not be back for the sequel, but now there appears to be a sliver of hope. An insider claims that T4 will most likely hit theatres in 2007 or 2008, and that it may still be a Schwarzenegger vehicle, but nothing will be known until Arnold makes some decisions about his political career. The script is being worked on, but the film is not remotely close to going into pre-production. Also, both Nick Stahl and Claire Danes also recently announced that they would not be returning for sequel three.

Kern: Man, that franchise is nothing without Claire Danes…
Norty: Then again, the franchise is nothing at this point, really. I think T3 was more a shot in the foot than anything else.
Kern: There was a T3?! Wow, i must’ve been living under a rock these past few years. A very small rock. That only blocks out mention of mercenary sequels and crap films that don’t deserve video release, much less full theatrical.
Norty: Wow, so I take it you didn’t see the film? How did you know the franchise couldn’t survive…..OH, Kern sarcasm. I got it. Classic. So, can I find me one of your magical rocks somewhere?
Kern: It’s called Cynicism. Used to be hard to find, but now Costco sells it in bulk.
Norty: Bah, to hell with buying from Costco. All I have to do is keeping seeing ridiculously bad movies and I’ll be able to harbor my own, and who knows, maybe sell it for cheap on Ebay. God knows you can sell anything else….
Kern: i know what you’re thinking and no, no kidneys. Believe me, you do NOT want to try and slip one of those by admin.
Norty: I see. I bet these producers could buy a better script for the next Terminator film than they’ll come up with in their backyards. Save quite a dime, too, they would.
Kern: They’d make even more money if they sold a promise to NOT make another Terminator film. Set the Buy It Now price at $120 mil. Lord knows i’d chip in to that fund.
Norty: Yes sir. T2 was so close to perfection too, and the ending was fantastic. Why even continue down this road? I mean, maybe, MAYBE if they could do it right, but even then, there’s no real reason to keep the franchise alive!
Kern: Well, other than to keep Arnie’s political career afloat. Hello 28th Amendment and hello, Presinator!
Norty: Who are you saying hello to? Isn’t this guys approval rating down in your state?
Kern: What, like T3 was busting box office records? They’re still making a sequel, right?
Norty: I fail to see the correlation.
Kern: Popularity isn’t as important as squeezing a few extra dollars out of the American pocketbook.
Norty: So, Americans will vote for a guy who takes even more of their money?
Kern: Americans will give money to Arnold. Fortunately tho, Americans are much less in love with cyborgs, as the 2000 election will attest.
Norty: Oh, you’re not convinced that Bush is a robot? Frankly, I put money on a life-like puppet with Cheny and crew behind the curtain. I honestly don’t know about Arnold’s chances if he even got a chance to play on the big stage.
Kern: Never doubt the power of Crom, m’boy…
Norty: I suppose. Bottom line, the world is a better place without a T4 in theaters for another three years or so.
Kern: Better, but what is best in life?
Kern: TO CRAHSH DE ENEMY, TO SEE DEM DRIBBEN BEFOAH YOU AND TO HEAH DE LAMENTATION UB DE WOMEN!
Norty: Yeah, I know, but seriously, Claire Danes is NOT coming back man. You gotta deal.
Norty: Or, your thing. That’s better, too.
Kern: CROOOOOOOOM!

Robin Williams to Return as Mork?

Robin Williams, who is set to return with a Mrs. Doubtfire sequel, is eyeing up another project from his past to put on the big screen. Williams may be setting up a re-visit to the role that put him on the map; the earth-visiting alien Mork. Williams apparently seems very interested in bringing the Happy Days spin-off to the silver screen.

“It’s still a great story and ahead of its time”, says Williams. In the series, which ran from 1978-1982, Williams played a wacky alien who comes to Earth and falls for pretty young Mindy McConnell, who was played by Pam Dawber. Garry Marshall, producer of Happy Days, came up with the idea of the original series during a chat with an ABC executive. He introduced the character of Mork as a guest star on Happy Days. Whether or not any of this gets off the ground is questionable. But will Robin star? Will Williams wear the red jump-suit again? “I may be a little old but do aliens really age?”

Kern: There is only one project i will plunk down my hard-earned cash for involving Robin Williams, and that is a Mork and Mindy Reunion. And do you know why, friend Norty?
Norty: Why, friend Kerny?
Kern: Because back when i faced down my burgeoning sexuality, it was Pam Dawber who imprinted her demure, yet rambunctious personality on my psyche. i love Pam Dawber so much, i even watched the entire run of My Sister Sam. I WATCHED STAY TUNED, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Norty: Okay, okay, I get it. So bringing Mork and Mindy to the big screen is an awesome idea then?
Kern: Well, i’m not chomping at the bit or anything … but if it’s a choice of T4 or MM2 ….
Norty: MM2? When was MM1?
Kern: Uh … 1978-1982?
Norty: Oh, okay. The series. Yes. But they’ve yet to do anything on the big screen.
Kern: Do you even read the news you send me?
Norty: Sure. But you can’t call this movie Mork and Mindy 2. There hasn’t been a Mork and Mindy one, really. That’s like calling Serenity….Firefly 2. It just doesn’t work. Anyway. Do you think Robin can still be as awesome at the role now as he was then?
Kern: You are missing the forest for the trees. The real problem is that the only TV properties that deserve to be made into feature films are underappreciated and cancelled sci-fi series. Mork and Mindy barely passes muster, but Starksy and Hutch, Bewitched, and Fat Albert? You say awesome like you’ve ever seen a single episode of Mork and Mindy, young’un…
Norty: Nick at Nite is wonderful for young guys like me who couldn’t catch shows like this back in the day. Don’t assume I’ve never seen it, pops. And yes, all those other shows really didn’t need movies. Bewitched could be pretty cool though.
Kern: Will Ferrell would make Aliens vs. Predator 2 watchable, so that’s not saying anything about the quality of the movie itself.
Norty: I know. But the concept is kind of neat and Nicole Kidman isn’t too bad herself. Pretty hot too, she is….
Kern: MORK CALLING NORTY, MORK CALLING NORTY, COME IN, OFF-TOPIC
Norty: You started it! I just, sort of, continued it instead of killing it. OKAY! So, back on topic, he should make this right away and cancel his plans for Mrs. Doubtfire 2. **Shudder**
Kern: Mmm … flaming boobies.
Norty: Flaming……man boobies…?
Kern: i never saw Mrs. Doubtfire. But i watched the shit outta that trailer!
Norty: You….have some issues….
Kern: Tell me something the Feds haven’t already.
Norty: We’re moving on.

News on Alien vs. Predator 2

Fox has announced Alien vs.Predator 2, the sequel to the successful first film in the franchise.

20th Century Fox Film Co-Chairman Tom Rothman told SCI FI Wire at the Saturn Awards in Los Angeles that the sequel might end up being set on Earth.

“In the new Alien vs. Predator they will finally actually really come to our world,” said Rothman.

“It’s likely that we will bridge the gap, and the beginning of that will be setting it in our contemporary universe,” said Rothman. He laughed when the characters were likened to terrorists. “They were always terrorists, yes, but only metaphorically,” he said.

Norty: I literally cringed when I first read this news byte. Dark times are ahead for us….
Kern: WHATWHATWHATWHATWHAT?! Damnit, damnit, DAMNIT! i knew if i said it out loud … You Know What, it’d come true!
Norty: Yes. I know. And it has.
Kern: i refuse to acknowledge it’s existence until they sign Joe Pesci. Because Joe Pesci makes sequels tolerable.
Norty: I pray that doesn’t happen. Pesci in an Anderson film?? Have you gone mad??
Kern: It’s times like these that i think i just might follow the example set by an earlier P.T. Anderson film. i’m gonna gouge my eyes out like that guy in Event Horizon….LIBERATE TUTEMAE!
Norty: But, what if people mis-understand you? You could be leading them straight into the mouth of the beast….
Kern: LIBERATE TUTEMAE and if you see Sam Neill, run like hell.
Norty: Heh. Well, let’s look at it. What would they have to do to make this movie not suck? Obviously, get some new writing and direction…
Kern: Also replace the Aliens with Scarlett Johannsen and the Predators with Fairuza Balk. Replace the “vs.” with “loves” and see where that takes us.
Norty: Erm……yeah. Kern, focus here would you? We’re not looking to make some awesome porn this time out.
Kern: It’s NOT porn! It’s just …
Kern: … European.
Norty: Uh huh. So let’s keep it American. Real answer this time, so this movie will not be “Teh Suck”
Kern: The real answer? Lock one Alien, one (weaponless) Predator and two humans on a ship out in space and get Chris Nolan to direct. Give him a budget of ten million and tell him to make it work.
Norty: Oh man, how awesome, awesome, AWESOME that would be. Seriously. I’d mark out for that, I would. Make one of the humans Christian Bale and I’m sold.
Kern: Mmm … Bale and Pesci, together at last.
Norty: Ah, the greatness of that film. It makes me even more depressed that they’ll just give this one to Anderson again and he’ll run it into the ground.
Kern: Again, you’re focused on the production woes (talentless hack Anderson) and seem blissfully unconcerned that the real problem is that THEY’RE MAKING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. The only way this movie could be more recycled is if Woodsy the m******in’ Owl exec produced this thing.
Norty: I suppose. I’m still stuck in the mind set of wishing they hadn’t blown it with the first one.
Kern: Fat chance. They blew it as soon as somebody signed the check for the option.
Norty: Yeah, I know. Still a shame.

Raimi to Direct Six Spiderman Films?

While he has been mentioning that he will probably leave after Spider-Man 3, director Sam Raimi is now talking about sticking around for six Spider-man films in all.

“I’ve heard Amy Pascal [chairman of Sony’s motion picture group] say she wants to make six Spider-Man pictures,” Raimi said in an interview at the Saturn Awards in Los Angeles. “So I think she’s a woman of her word. And if she says there’ll be six, there’ll be six. … If they were to ask me, and if I felt as passionate as I feel now about the character and had this great hunger and desire to tell the story, which I really do now, you couldn’t keep me away from it.”, he told SCI FI Wire.

Kern: Now, THAT’S the way you handle a franchise. Give it to someone who loves it and KEEP YOUR GODDAMN MARKETING / FOCUS GROUP / RETARDED BONOBO MONKEY HANDS OFF OF IT.
Norty: Something is off about this though. If it’s not her, someone in a position like hers said the exact opposite of this some months back. Raimi wanted six, and the exec and Dunst wanted three. So I don’t know where this came from – did they finally realize Spiderman is a cash cow or something?
Kern: A broken clock is right twice a day, as they say. Well, used to say … back when they had analog clocks. Now, broken clocks are right zero times a day. Unless you live on a planet where blort o’clock is a time.
Norty: Focus Kern. Do you think they’ll go with six movies?
Kern: i hope so. It’s a rare thing indeed when i get excited about a sequel, but i’d go watch Keanu butcher Shakespeare in the gay porn adaptation of Pericles if it were directed by Raimi.
Norty: You’ve such strange examples of things sometimes. It’d be scary if I didn’t know you. Okay, so if they go six, what villians do you want to see? You know my choice: Venom, Venom, VENOM!
Kern: Personally, i’m all for the Vulture. i think there’s a lot of oppotunity to do it as an allegory of our collapsing Social Security system.
Kern: “That old dude stole my wallet! Help us, Spiderman!
Norty: Okay, first, SS is NOT collapsing. Second, Vulture is lame.
Kern: The Vulture is Baby Boomers swooping down and taking my hard-earned cashe outta my pocket! What the hell is wrong with you goddamn ex-Yuppies?! You screw the next generation by generating enormous tax burdens to line your pockets and now you gotta saddle us with your diaper stipends because you forgot to save during the heady 90s?! C’mon, Spidey! Let’s kick some septaugenarian ass!
Norty: Kern, has anyone told you the massive amounts of time on your hands is a bad, bad thing? Besides, I just don’t see the Vulture transitioning well to the big screen, and there are SO MANY BETTER VILLIANS to use. Oh, and they need to kill off Dunst. Now.
Kern: Kirsten Dunst is a cutie. She stays.
Norty: She’s awful as Mary Jane and wants the Spidey character killed off in the next movie. She wants no part of a long term franchise and thinks Spiderman’s baby should be the futur star. She goes.
Kern: *shrug* She wanna go, she go. Kill her off and bring in Gwen Stacy. i know a certain young lady whose name rhymes with Barlett Bohannsen that i’d love to see knockin’ boots with the Tobester…
Norty: Exactly! Don’t ‘let her go’, MAKE her go. I’d be fine with a Green Goblin/Gwen Stacy/Mary Jane switch from the comics.
Kern: Mmm … then they could get Dinah Meyer to play Dizzy from Starship Troopers. Now there’s a crossover i can get behind!
Norty: You lost me on that one.
Kern: Why am i not surprised?

Trailer of the Week is MIA

Yeah, I kind of goofed this week again. It’s been a stressful month or two, I’m telling you. So I didn’t pick a trailer for the guys to give their thoughts on in time. Sorry. But, really, there weren’t any new standout trailers anyway. Most people are still drooling over Batman and Serenity, not to mention those who loop Star Wars over and over…….

Reviews We Sit Through – For You!

xXx: State of the Union – So tell me, who the hell had the bright idea that Ice Cube was the best replacement of Vin Diesel in this flick? Even worse, who decided they should put money in this and expect to make more back? It’s such an awful, awful idea, and I haven’t even SEEN the movie. But Scott Sawitz has, and he can back up anything I say with more detail and a really low score too. What a mess

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy – This is the second review of the film for the site, and this one is even more positive than Campbell’s from last week. Matt Coates has also read the book, so he looks at it from a different perspective too. A great review of a good movie.

Crash – Brendan Campbell gave this movie a 10. A 10, people! There’s nothing else I can say except read his review. Now.

On DVD

Travis Leamons PWNS the Movies Pulse DVD reviews again this week, with three more films reviewed by the superstar. He’s got Darkness(Very Negative), Dogtown and Z-Boys (Positive), and The Doris Day Collection (Mixed/Positive) all for your reading pleasure.

Hotel Rwanda – I think almost everyone knows how awesome this movie really is. It really is a special piece of work. But, in case you’ve been living under a rock, Mike McCullar reviews the DVD this week and (shocker!) walks away as impressed as everyone else.

Spaceballs: Collectors Edition – For a lot of people, Spaceballs is the same type of holy ground that Star Wars is. If people say anything remotely negative about the film, fan(boys) go into a frenzy. Scott Sawitz is a brave man, because he tells it like it is with this classic. I won’t repeat it here, but I think his review is spot on. And I’m still going to buy a copy, so relax, I’m still a major fan of the schwartz too. Great work Scotty.

We Even Do Columns!

Matt Coates submits, for your reading pleasure, another Holistic DVD Column. He’s got some interesting material to work with this week, as he checks out both The Exorcist and Ghosts of Mars. Man, just thinking about the ‘film’ that is Ghosts…….man that’s some scary junk right there. He’s also got some……interesting……….commentary to go with his evaluation of the films. Not sure how else to describe that, really.

Rob Sutton has a really great, Bad Ass flick this week, George Lucas’ first. THX-1138, a “Lucas film with no light sabers!” is really incredibly. It’s an amazing visionary tale that easily stands the test of time. Rob, as usual, delves deep into this film and its background, while also explaining what was relevant at the time and all sorts of nifty tidbits. Great stuff.

Brad Torreano returns this week for Mondo Culto XXIII. This is the second of two Cultos where he delves deep into the career of one of the best performers ever, Rodney Dangerfield. Seriously, I’m running out of ways to praise this column. It’s just that good.

I write two columns weekly (usually) – this one, and a column about trailers. Check it out if you haven’t yet, as some people think it’s kind of fun. No, really, they do.

Rob Russo continues to Set the Trend. He’s got another fun topic this week, covering foreign-language films. I’ve seen more than a few great movies that never get any sort of recognition on this side of the world due to the language barrier. Rob is optimistic that the future is bright for these kinds of films, and hopefully he’s right. Solid stuff.

Finally, we end with Michaelangelo McCullar. The guy seems to have a problem with my columns as of late, and let me ask you something. How bad do you really think I do it, considering two columns and news posting daily, not to mention the real life college course load, job, and various other problems this year liked to throw my way. I’d love to know what Grandpa juggles his column with weekly. But that’s okay. Actually, I should praise him. The man is moving on to the main page with a weekly Daily Pulse, and that means main page pimps for us movie guys (Don’t let him fool you – he kicked no one out – his response to taking over the column? Just a simple ‘Yup’). So kudos to Mikey. As for his last perfect flick, he’s chosen Heist, an excellent Gene Hackman film. I’ve said more than enough on old Mikey this week, so read the ‘last’ perfect flick and be prepared for an ego the size of the Death Star when his Daily Pulse appears next week.

Features

Some of the guys got together and complied a few lists of their top five movies for this summer. Check those out here. And, for those of you wondering, my list would go Batman, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Wedding Crashers, War of the Worlds, and Land of the Dead. Not in any particular order, save Batman at number one. Mmmm, Batman…….

The End

Nothing really witty to wrap up with this week, so as usual thanks, and….

Until Next Time…