WWE Velocity Report: May 7th, 2005
– Well, after a whopping zero feedback, I’m still having fun recapping Velocity for ‘ya. Just want to say thanks to Eric S. and my Gstorm friends for plugging me. Wish I could repay you guys.
– Your hosts are Steve and Josh. Man, never thought I’d see a team that would make me want Ernest Miller to go back to the commentary booth.
– Paul London vs. Akio
London is acting like the Ultimate Warrior…whatever gets him over… Looks like a non-title match. Akio misses a karate kick to start. Hiptoss. Armlocks by London. Akio reverses, and hits a nasty…side headlock. Matthews states that these guys “Are having a 5 star match right now.”. Yeah, ok. Akio misses a splash, and London kicks him in the ass. QUEERING DON’T MAKE THE WORLD WORK, IDIOT! Whoops, channeling the spirt of Hellwig, there. He mocks Akio, too. Suplex gets 2. Nice slaps and chops by London, but Akio nails a sweet dropkick. Suplex on the rope, and Akio pushes him out. He rolls him back into the ring, and covers for 2. Magazine plug! I can’t believe the original WWE magazine was replaced for that shit. Chinlock, and Akio knees him. He hits ANOTHER headlock. What the hell is this shit? London crotches Akio on the rope, and clotheslines and elbows him for 2. Spinning heel kick gets 2. Akio hits London in the gut, and London crotches Akio on the buckle. He hits the huricanrana for 3. Dull stuff, until the end. *1/2.
– Commercial break.
– Stack of the Night: Carlito says Big Show will be on the Cabana, Thursday.
– Handicap Match: Big Show vs. Jose and Joel Maximo.
Welcome to hell, Big Show, as you’re stuck doing squashes on Velocity. Big Show beats on them both to start. Headbutts galore! He tosses them both, and we go backstage to see Carlito watching. What the hell is a backstage segment doing on Velocity? Joel is getting chopped, and Show no-sells all of their offense. Side-walk slam gets the pin. What a piece of shit. DUD.
– Nunzio is on his cell phone, and Funaki sneaks up on him. They’re pumped for their match. May I ask again: WHAT THE HELL ARE BACKSTAGE SEGMENTS DOING ON VELOCITY?! Nunzio tries to get Funaki to act Italian. Hilarity ensues. I guess Smackdown had too much stuff going on.
– Commercial break.
– Recap of John Cena, making fun of JBL, and promoting the I-Quit match. It’s not like I’m getting the P.P.V. for it anyway. Cena sucks at insults. Don’t legally have a penis?
– We get a look at Cena’s music video, that he barely raps in anyway. Moving on…
– Commercial break.
– Slam of the Week: Angle wants Booker T.
The Basham Brothers vs. Funaki and Nunzio.
Whatever. Funaki and Danny start. Lockup, and Danny with a drop toehold. Kicks, and lots of punches follow. Schoolboy by Funaki for 2. Crucifix for 2. Dropkick, and Nunzio in. Nunzio to the buckle, and Doug in. Armhold, and a hiptoss. Nunzio with an armlock, now a headlock. Dropkicks galore for 2. Doug to the buckle, and Nunzio hits a stungun. He tries a moonsault, but Danny pushes him. Danny in. Kicks, chinlock, then a sleeperhold. Danny goes for a powerbomb, but Nunzio hits a monkey flip. Funaki in. Highcross body, and a headscissors, too. Bulldog gets 2. Funaki with a small package for 2. Funaki tries a roll-up, but a “Baldo” bomb gets the pin for the Basham’s. *. Didn’t like this match.
– Commercial break…and by the way, I doubt women will jump into your arms for f*cking shitty ass bodyspray.
– Recap of Eddie vs. Rey feud. This angle so far is genius writing. Feud of 2005 esque stuff. This is why I’m gettubg the P.P.V. Only thing wrong will be if Rey actually goes over at Judgement Day.
– Commercial break.
– Spike Dudley (With goatee of DOOM!) vs. Mark Jindrak
Good lord, that goatee is f*cking awful. Lockup, and headlock to begin. Spike is tossed. Shoulderblock sends him out. Spike wants to leave, so Jindrak takes him back in the ring. Big (And about a minute long…) suplex. Kip up by Jindrak. Dudley to the buckle, and Mark misses an avalanche. Spike covers for 2. Chokehold. Headlock, and Spike shows off some more. He then goes back to the chokehold. Good lord. Jindrak blocks the Dudley dog, and sends Spike to the buckle. Jindrak with a body drop. Spike gets nailed after weak offense, and a Rock Bottom by Jindrak gets the 3. This one insulted my intelligence, DUD. One of the worst Spike Dudley matches I’ve ever seen.
– That’s it for Velocity! Steve and Josh say goodbye.
– This show was the Velocity from hell. Backstage segments? The Big Show? Man, not a good show wrestling wise. Angle wise, I guess it’s important, but I doubt this stuff will go anywhere. Thumbs down this week. GIVE ME FEEDBACK at powerpadman@gmail.com . This is Josh signing off.
