The Crucifix

As the weeks drag on in this business, things just get more odd every day. I’ll delve into this in a bit, but needless to say, some people need a check up from the neck up. Also, I’m very aware that I have to do new column art since Hemme isn’t a part of my column anymore. I’m tired, a little thirsty and rather subdued at the moment, but I will get around to it. On with the show…

Raw 05.02.05

– Batista talks to Christy and GM Eric interrupts. He lets Batista know he is scheduling a Gold Rush Tournament.
– Kane def. Christian (Gold Rush)
– Flair raps to Christian
– Hassan comes out and blames everyone for his team losing to Hogan and Michaels. He whoops Daivari to punish him for getting pinned.
– Viscera def. Simon Dean after getting saucy with Lillian Garcia
– Viscera tells everyone he is on the black market.
– Stacy shills her Stuff magazine cover, which Bischoff likes. He walks into his office and Triple H is there and pissed about the tournament. Bischoff lets him know that all he has to do is win the tournament.
– Shelton Benjamin and Chris Jericho make nice.
– Shawn Michaels def. Shelton Benjamin (Gold Rush)
– Edge explains being in the tournament regardless of having a title shot already. Something about money in the bank and panty raids. Speaking of panty raids, he runs into Lita and Victoria. He asks them what they’re looking at; Victoria replies “Absolutely nothing.” She then challenges him to put his title shot up for grabs, hardcore rules. She hits him in the head with Lita and wins the title shot.
– The Superheroes def. La Resistance
– Edge def. Chris Jericho (Gold Rush)
– Chris Masters def. someone in the Masterlock Challenge
– Chris Benoit def. Triple H (Gold Rush)

The Raw Membrane

– Eric Bischoff is guilty of being a cock blocker against Batista.
– The creative team is guilty of sucking for having Christian job.
– Hassan is guilty of partial martyring against Daivari.
– Chris Masters is guilty of wasting my time.
– Batista is guilty of aiding Chris Benoit in his win over Triple H.


– Ok, let me get this straight: Triple H lost to JR. Then Batista jokingly wanted a match with Bischoff. Kind of makes me think Lillian Garcia is going to win the IC Title soon.
– Christian jobbing to Kane is a travesty. Even if you had him win cheap it would be ok by me. But now you have him job two weeks in a row when he is the hottest one on the roster? Estupido!
– You think bin Laden did the same thing to the first guys that bombed the World Trade Center?
– Rock has to come back to confront Viscera for hitting on Lillian.
– Well, the reaction to Michaels/Benjamin has been large over the past week. I won’t beat it into the ground anymore other than to say that it was fantastic and actually had me glued to the television for the first time in a while.
– Seeing Edge and Lita together on screen was a little odd. Seeing Victoria was great and seeing her win the title shot was fantastic…what?…didn’t happen?…LIES! I SAW IT! LIES!
– I’m going to lay it out there right now: I hate Edge more than I hate Triple H. I can respect Triple H and his character. I can respect his personal life. I can’t respect a damn thing about Edge.
– If they keep trotting out Chris Masters, I’m going to write a letter.
– Benoit’s win had almost as much emotion as the Wrestlemania XX win for some reason. I think it has a lot to do with Triple H’s selling of it. Batista pulling the rope back didn’t hurt.

Overall, this was one of the best Raws in quite some time. From an in ring standpoint to the out of ring shenanigans, it was good fun.

Smackdown 05.05.05

Wait…did Jennette, the phantom Smackdown reporter, actually make a return!?

– Rey Mysterio talks smack and smacks Eddie Guerrero around. Eddie refuses to fight.
– Rey demands a match with Eddie via Teddy Long. Chavito comes in and talks smack and he and Rey start brawling.
– Matt M-M-M-organ def. some guy
– Booker T def. Orlando Jordan in a non-title match.
– Kurt Angle gets in Sharmell T’s face and lets her know he’s going to break Booker’s ankle.
– MNM def. Scotty 2 Hotty and Shannon Moore; Mysterio hits the ring and goes after MNM with a pipe.
– JBL comes out and runs his mouth, which brings out Cena. It will be an “I Quit” match at Judgement Day.
– Kurt Angle def. some guy; Angle calls out Booker T, letting him know he’s going to get his ankle broken and then go home to that gutterslut…Booker hits the ring and takes Angle out. Sharmell gets a few slaps in. Angle fights back and takes out Booker T. He then goes to put the ankle lock on Sharmell, but the officials stop him.
– Chavito tries to goad Eddie into taking Rey out.
– Carlito def Hardcore Holly and announces Big Show will be his guest next week.
– “Bad, Bad Man” video debut
– Rey Mysterio def. Chavo Guerrero; post match, Eddie comes in to “save” Mysterio but winds up beating the hell out him, the exclamation of it being a suplex onto the ring steps.

The Smackdown Membrane

– Rey Mysterio is guilty of being an uppity midget.
– Rey Mysterio is guilty of being an uppity midget with a weapon.
– Kurt Angle is guilty of being awesome. Calling Sharmell a gutterslut was great. The going off and trying to break her ankle was priceless.
– The officials are guilty of stopping awesomeness.
– Eddie Guerrero is guilty of assault on a Mexican leprechaun.


– I work at a pizza place at night; Seeing Rey Mysterio all fired up and angry made me laugh my ass off. I just kept thinking of one of the cooks in the kitchen getting all feisty.
– If I stuttered, I’d be offended by Matt Morgan. I don’t stutter so I find it amusing.
– Kurt Angle, not JBL, is a wrestling GOD.
– I dig MNM..I think.
– If Angle had gotten the ankle lock on Sharmell for an extended period of time, I probably would’ve marked out in a sick, evil kind of way. I like when Angle abuses people.
– For Christ’s sake, if you’re going to take Carlito out of the cabana and put him in the ring, don’t put him against someone as useless as Holly.
– “Bad, Bad Man” was pretty funny. The “I ain’t gettin’ on no plane!” at the end was perfect.
– Eddie’s beat down of Rey was unusually believable. From the torn mask to the sick suplex, I felt like I was watching Spiderman get demolished. Good stuff.

Overall a better show that I have been used to with Smackdown. Yet the one thing that needs to be said is this: JBL’s only usefulness is as champion. If he isn’t he doesn’t matter and doesn’t even come off as a viable contender.

The Crown Of Thorns

– Triple H finds his way back into the tournament.
– Christian jobs to Viscera. (Hey, if you’re gonna screw him over, screw him good.)
– Victoria uses her title shot to take on Batista. She wins in under 2 minutes with the Widow’s Peak.
– Edge meets up with Lita in the back. They give each other little notes. Lita says, “Well, text messages didn’t work” as Edge walks away.

– Mysterio comes out with a pipe and challenges Guerrero.
– Cena takes on both Bashams and wins.
– Big Show eats Carlito.
– Rey interferes in Eddie’s match, setting up a chair in between the ropes and hitting the 619 through the chair into Eddie’s face.

Well, regardless of updating her site regularly, which she doesn’t, she got up in Edge’s face and was all like “I AIN’T THE LADY TA MESS WIT! WHOOP!”

Visit Victoria at

– WWE has set the prices at, like, really high, for ECW: One Night Stand. They stand to make a ton of money off of this. Unfortunately, the obsession with ECW will make many people pay all the money WWE wants. On the bright side, at least it’s not “RAW, Smackdown and WWE present ECW: One Night Stand” and it seems like they are willing to be hands off and let the old ECW crew run things. That’s a good thing because if WWE ran it, New Jack wouldn’t jump off of any balconies. I expect this will happen now. Wouldn’t it be kinda/sorta funny if the first ECW show WWE promotes were marred by a death? Am I just a sick freak?

– Juvi Guerrera, Psicosis, Essa Rios and many other luchadores are rumored to be signing with or have signed with WWE. Soon enough the Cruiserweights will matter! Here’s the thing I don’t get: If WWE saw all the money they were making off of Mysterio masks, why weren’t all these guys signed earlier? Heck, I even like wearing the masks! Wow I am a sick freak…

– The “Angelic Diablo” Matt Hardy will be debuting for ROH on July 16th. Where the hell did he come up with that name? Also, on a pet peeve side of things, with everything that happened and it being so public, why in the world would you put this up on your site?

Yea, real cool jackass. I’ve been on his side with the whole thing, but popping on the web with a gun and then saying that you’d possibly get back together with Lita makes me question his sanity. Seriously, how stupid can you be? Has he been dipping into Jeff’s stash while he’s been out?

– WWE, confirmed that Batista/Triple H 3 will take place at Vengeance in a Hell In The Cell match. So I guess this means the Gold Rush Tournament doesn’t mean jack.

– The Rock and Vince have mended fences, which pretty much guarantees an awesome segment at least twice a year.

– Bob Holly, ever the champion of men, ruined a planned Cruiserweight Title run that Matt Cappotelli was suppposed to have. You kind of get the feeling that despite being worthless and irrelevant, Holly thinks he is a leader. Let me tell you something: When you’ve done nothing of note for pretty much your entire career, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in the company. You’re worthless and more expendable than Joanie Laurer at a crack party.

Test mentioned he was supposed to be in D-X. Yup, and I was supposed to be in the nWo and sleep with Kiebler. It’s true I swear.

– Romeo Roselli is apparently in hot water for holding up a booker for extra money at the last minute. Then Coach went and took a few bumps and all that. Listen, this isn’t a big deal. The guy is playing a gay character that has almost no chance to get over. If he wants to be a jackass, let him. No need for the locker room to shun him. The fans will do that in no time.

Gangrel is on his way back. Does that mean he’s back on the white market?

– We’ve got a list of non-contracted wrestlers who have been contacted to do ECW: One Night Stand. I guess 1wrestling is way too profitable, because Apter’s love child, Joey Styles, is apparently still rejecting all offers. How about doing something for the fans? Which reminds me, if you have ever seen Van Wilder, doesn’t the leader of the geeky fraternity look like Styles? I wonder if I’ll get a nasty letter for saying that. Maybe I should talk shit about Warrior and see if I can get sued.

– Ask and ye shall receive! Warrior has a new Warrior Workout Start Kit available for only $150! Does this come with needles, andro and advice on how not to start any queering? Only you can tell and become the master of your own destrucity! Order now!

– David Hasselhoff is the Anti-Christ. Thanks Jed. On a side note, I was doing the exact same report on Meltzer, but now it’s been stolen from me.

– Raw preview is here. Hopefully Matt redoes it like last week.

– The Draft may take place in Canada. I have no reasonable explanation for putting that in this column.

On that note, I’m getting the hell out of here. See you on Thursday for more fun and stickers! Adios!