Oh, good evening. Welcome to another addition of the weekly tradition at the House of H – It is time for the
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Now the apology. The Wrestling With The Rabble is kinda hard. Not to say that I can’t do it.. I can, but I lost track of what I was going to do with it over the last few weeks. Trust me, when I relaunch it – it will be worth it. Until then, here is this week’s HUGE announcement…
Now for Raw –
Tonight, joining me is:
Eric!
Jenna!
Hernandez!
…and the fruit of my looms, Danielle!
Starting with a recap of last week’s Gold Rush Tournament, as that’s obviously what’s going to be the majority of this show. Fine fine fine. So we get to see that sweet-ass JESUSKICK. We get to see Batista pull the ropes. We get Trips tapping out.
We get to start the show in the trailer hitch known as Wilkes-Barre, PA. More on that later.
Starting the show, as always is Triple H getting the YOU TAPPED OUT CHANT!
“I want a sign that says ‘Lemmy Tapped Out” – Eric
Triple H whines about how Batista fears him – Batista proves that he fears nothing by coming down in a white suit.
“He is slowly slipping into that Rock spot” – Dani
Dave does, for the record, look badass. The crowd seems to appreciate him as well. Dave is coming down to the ring to ‘face his fears’. He’s not exactly sure what he’s afraid of though, given that he has faced Trips twice, and beaten Trips… twice! Add into that he tapped out last week. Maybe.. JUST maybe.. Hunter isn’t good enough to face Dave
“What is Batista’s nationality?” – Eric
“Davish?” – Me
Trips doesnt like this, the tie comes off and Hunter sits and ponders his daily afirmations.
“He’s trying to remember lines” – Dani
“And his shopping list” – Eric
As far as Trips is concerned, the title doesn’t mean anything to Batista until he goes through Trips… which makes no sense.. to anyone.. ever. “I will justify what you think you are in this business, and I will define who you are.” That was an exact quote from Hunter on the current booking style. Trips goes on for the next 5 minutes and it is damn near UNINTELLIGIBLE! I swear to god, he’s been taking severe lessons from Ric Flair on how to cut an insanely babbly promo.
“There’s a donkey backstage” – Hernandez
Hunter states that without him, Dave isn’t important – and to prove that, he’s leaving. Dave grabs the mic and for a moment I thought we were gonna have a Dusty-Finish on Trips leaving… but Dave waves politely.
COMMERCIAL
Backstage Trips is leaving – he wants Ric to come with him, but Ric is sticking to see if he can fix this situation.
Back in the ring, Akbar and Hassan are coming down to the ring.
“AKBAR’S WEARING HAMMER PANTS!” – Dani
“Looks like mugged a clown on the way in” – Jenna
“HE’S A GENIE IN A BOTTLE!” – Dani
So Akbar goes to his knees immediately in the ring, and speaks ENGLISH! He is not worthy of the friendship of Mohammad.
“Will you marry me?” – Me
“East is the other way!” – Hernandez
So he challenges anyone in the back. Who’s music hits?
OH BREAK THE WALLLLS DOWWWWWN! And I just slump my shoulders.
“What’s wrong?” – Hernandez
“I’m just sad that Jericho is going to lose to Akbar…” – Me
“It’s good that you are getting smarter” – Eric
CHRIS JERICHO vs. AKBAR
If Y2J loses, Jamie leaves town match…
Bell rings! Akbar cheapshots Chris, but Chris gets up and starts the chops.
“Is this Haji vs. the Mongoose? With the ref playing the part of Dr. Quest” – Hernandez
Akbar finally locks him down to the mat with an armbar – Jericho fights out of it, but gets an armbar takedown. Akbar runs to the top and gets hit in the gut on the way down. An enzuiguiri sends Akbar to the ropes, and does the rope hit while Akbar cries for Hassan to help.
“I still want to know why he’s wearing Hammer pants!” – Dani
“That’s where he gets his Gentile powers” – Jenna
Jericho hits the rope and knees Akbar, he brings him to the corner and an amazing standing flip gets Akbar out of the set-up, he brings Jericho around to the corner and climbs up to the top. There is a moment’s fight and Akbar goes for the hurricanrana.
Jericho catches him, leaps to the ground and it looks like he damn near could have KILLED Akbar, but drops into the Walls – and that is the end of it. Tap!
WINNER: JERICHO
Muhammad wastes NO time in coming in to blindside Chris. Stompy Stompy Stompy on Jericho, and HERE COMES SHELTON! Shelton clears house.
COMMERCIAL
Backstage Christy, wearing two triangles of tiger patterned fabric sits and begins to argue with Bischoff – but they are interrupted by La Resistance who want another title match. Apparently last week’s loss was Rober’s fault.
Bischoff decides to put both of them in single’s matches. They continue to bicker – there goes ANOTHER tag team.
Also backstage is Ric Flair, trying to talk to Trips, but who is there to help? Captain Charisma himself! He’s there to make sure Ric is okay – if Flair needs someone to suck up to tonight… he can suck up to Christian. Well Ric wants Christian in the ring tonight… woo! Christian even woos at Ric a bit. A nice solid non-standard match. I’m in!
COMMERCIAL
NOT A WWE FLASHBACK! AWA – Lawler beats Curt Henning for the AWA title! That’s sweet.
Coming down first, accompanied by Conway is Sylvan Grenier!
His opponent is the big black moth – Viscera!
Grenier vs. Viscera
A crappy match of doom…
“I love how his music is really slow.. because he WALKS really slow” – Dani
The bell rings and Viscera hits Grenier… Grenier falls. Viscera tosses him to the ropes and they meet in the middle and Sylvan goes down. Viscera drops him with a spinning sideslam of some sort. Viscera climbs on top and begins choking him. Grenier gets out of it and gets his two moves of response… nicely. A top rope dropkick to be exact. Viscera though gets a rolling sidekick a sitdown chokeslam for the win.
WINNER: VISCERA
Viscera rolls out, steals someone’s nachos, and Lillian Garcia eats nachos from his mouth.
“This is soooo uncomfortable.” – Hernandnez
I wasn’t kidding.
Backstage Lita comes to talk to Kane. Apparently they’ve been married for nine months, and back then Lita HATED him. Now he’s going to get a chance to go for the title… because he always gets what he wants.
“EXCEPT A NEW HAIRCUT!” – Eric
They have an uncomfortable kiss, and Kane states they are a ‘cute couple’ which is pretty damn amusing. If you pay attention, the audience was completely silenced for this section. They might have been chanting, hell they could have been rioting – but all of the outside sound was shut off.
…intriguing…
COMMERCIAL
We’re back, and here comes Kane w/ Lita – his opponent is – naturally, Chris Benoit.
(EDIT: Originally said Chris Batista… thanks for the notice Mr. Pink.)
KANE vs. CHRIS BENOIT
Semi-Finals to the Gold Rush… Winer diner, 49er.. er something
They size each other up, lock up and the ‘You screwed Edge’ chant begins. In the ring, the chops back and forth. Back in the center Kane and Chris lock-up, Kane gets a bodyslam and a 2 count. he tosses Benoit into the corner, Kane misses with the big boot. Benoit tries to toss him into the sharpshooter, but is denied.
Shown in the back, Dave is still there..
“Same shot from last week.. new suit” – Hernandez
Benoit tries to hit the crossface, is denied. Kane tosses him into the corner, Benoit bounces back and eats a sideslam for a 2 count. Kane puts him in a chinlock, but Chris fights out of it, hits the ropes – sunset flip for two. Both rise to their feet quick and Kane with the big clothesline. Kane now locks in a chinlock and taunts the hell out of Chris.
Benoit revs up the crowd – gets to his feet, but is tossed in the corner and eats a hammering blow to the chest (THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT CHRIS MASTERS!)
“Is this fight the bald and the toothless?” – Dani
Benoit gets tossed to the ropes, and eats a solid boot. Kane climbs to the top, and Benoit dropkicks him midair. They both are lying down and get to their feet at 5 or so. Benoit runs over and does the rolling Germans.. FOUR… FIVE with the release! Benoit signals to do the headbutt, runs hits a dropkick to Kane, climbs to the top and HITS the headbutt and only gets two.
Benoit drops an elbow, and tries to go for the sharpshooter, but Kane grabs the ropes. Kane is on his knees, Benoit goes to kick him, Kane catches his boot and eats an enzuiguiri.. Awesome. Benoit throws Kane out of the ring, and it knocks out Lita! Benoit goes to check on Lita, but Kane blindsides him.
Kane brings him in the ring, goes for the chokeslam – Benoit tries to turn it into the crossface, but eats the chokeslam anyway! Pinned, and that’s that.
WINNER: KANE
COMMERCIAL
WHO IS GOING TO WIN THE TOURNAMENT?
“What tournament?” – Dani
“Edge” – Eric
“Kane – monster vs. animal” – Jenna
“If it’s non ppv match, Kane. If it’s ppv, then whoever wins the other match” – Hernandez
“I’m going to HBK just to be different” – Me
Without Triple H – he is… the NATCHA BOY.. RIC FLAIR!
“Why’s Flair wrestling?” – Dani
“You don’t watch this show at ALL do you?” – Me
“She’s doing GREAT at Burning Monkey Puzzle Lab” – Hernandez
And here comes CAPTAIN CHARISMA!!! He’s not dressed to wrestle though, since Ric’s become a problem, Flair’s gotta face the problem solver.
RIC FLAIR vs. TYSON TOMKO
Weird
Tomko comoes in and eats a batch of chops, but Tyson takes a breather to clothesline him, slams Flair down. They fight to the corner, a thumb to the eyes drops Tomko and Flair puts him in the figure-four. While Tomko’s got the ref distracted, Christian slides in and rakes his eyes.
The ref tosses out Christian at the same time Flair rolls up Tomko. That was simple.
WINNER: RIC FLAIR
COMMERCIAL
“I think we need to see the HeartThrob boys take the ladies of Wilkes-Barre!” – Dani
Which leads me to Stacy coming out! She is on Stuff Magazine. Nice. Fanboy Todd Announcer Guy talks about the photos ‘inside’ are…
“showing your sexy kidneys.” – Me
We get a quick little videoshoot of her photoshoot, and I must say – she is adorable.
She thanks the fans. She shows us a gratuitous ass-shot from Stuff, and discusses how she is wearing that same pair of panties right now. Wouold we like to see them?
“NO?!?!????” – Roommate Jeremy.
Her zipper seems to be stuck, so Todd gets to help her out of her pants. This is, for the record, the first time Todd Grisham has ever touched a woman.
“Or a zipper, as he only uses velcro” – Hernandez
They are interrupted by Maven and Simon Dean!?
“If Dean tells Stacy she’s too fat, I will officially mark out for Simon Dean” – Me
Apparently, Maven believes that there is only one sexy person in this ring – and it’s not Stacy.. it’s Maven??! Funnier that Simon agrees. Maven then points out HOW FAT STACY IS! YES YES YES YES YES YES! They make her a Simon-Shake. She decides not to drink it, and they try and force it down her throat.
Only one team of men can save a damsel in distress… HURRICANE AND ROSIE! They clear ring.
“Great ending to a horrible skit.” – Hernandez
Backstage, Coach marks out a bit for the ECW payperview. Bischoff knocks on ECW for a bit, and you can hear the Wilkes-Barrians do an E C DUB chant. Nice.
COMMERCIAL
Conway is in the ring and his opponent iiiiiisssss…
SHELTON BENJAMIN!
Match begins and we’re bipping about – by the time I look at the screen, Shelton is fighting out of a chinlock. They fight messily fist to fist, and Shelton gets the top of it and throws a samoan drop for two. He charges in after Conway to eat some knee.
They lock up and Conway hits with a stungun.
“He hung the black man!” – Hernandez
Conway charges Shelton as Shelton is standing on the ring apron, but Shelton hits with a high kick. He leaps the top rope, hits a bulldog and the win is secured.
WINNER: SHELTON BENJAMIN
We come back from the replay to see Shelton getting beaten by Hassan and Akbar… IT WAS A TRAP! HOLY GOD IT WAS A TRAP! Hassan chokes Shelton with his headpiece…
“It’s not a towel, but it’s close.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL
Now we get the John Cena video. Kind of a fun video, done in Beastie Boys ‘Sabo-vision’
He’s apparently a Batman.
“So is he bad as in evil, or as in.. you know a kid toucher?” – Dani
“There’s nothing wrong with that, it works for the Catholics…” – Me
Backstage Breasty o’Boobies calls HBK Edge. Whether that was intentional or not, Shawn takes it and ROLLS with it. Awesome little promo there, if only because of Breasty’s mistake.
“He’s got a cold sore!” – Eric
“Herpes of the LORD!” – Me
COMMERCIAL
Signed up for next week is Y2J & Benjamin vs. Akbar & Muhammad.
Coming down first is Edge! Next coming down is BK… whose jacket gets stuck as he prays to God. HBK laughs it off as he comes down into the ring, stumbles about. The ref points at him, he stumbles as if he was hit… I gotta say I still love HBK’s theatrics.
“God’s punishing him – he missed confessional this week.” – Dani
COMMERCIAL
Back in the ring, Edge is beating on HBK – Shawn goes for a dropkick, and is denied as Edge steps back. Edge goes for the sharpshooter and Shawn kicks him off, throwing Edge to the ground. Shawn planchas off the second rope.
“The ring breaks…” – Hernandez
They crawl back into the ring, Shawn tosses Shawn against the ropes, Edge with an irish whip, he catches Shawn and Michaels gets dropped on the rope by his neck. Edge keeps it up as he chokes Shawn against the ropes.
In the back Dave is watching on.
“Hey, they bought him a water!” – Hernandez
Back in the ring, Edge now has HBk in a chinlock, Shawn fights out only to get snapmared back into it. Edge wraps his legs around and keeps it locked.. untillllll Shawn fights out of it, hits the ropes and eats a boot. 2 count on the fall.
They fight to their feet, and Edge takes Shawn down again, right back into the chinlock. The HBK chant (which does sound a bit flooded) brings Shawn to his feet, elbows to Edge, and Edge grabs a hand full of hair and throws the man down. Edge goes to the top rope, but Shawn runs up and they fight on the top turnbuckle. A headbutt drops Shawn, Edge boots Shawn on the way down – Shawn hits him with a knee and they both go down.
Shawn goes up first – crossbody, big punches, bodyslam, and the highflyin elbow brings us to the dulcimer tones of J E S U S KICK… Reversed into an electric chair drop, reversed into a victory roll and Shawn gets tossed into the corner, backs up into the sit down facedrop for two.
HBK stumbles into the corner, he tosses Edge into the counter corner to … MISS the ref – but Shawn charges at Edge who ducks so SHAWN hits the ref. Shawn gets the Jesuskick, gets the pin, sees that the ref is down and you can just see how grumped he is by it. He goes to pick up Mike Chioda, Edge grabs the briefcase – swings and MISSES! Shawn rolls up Edge, and gets CLOCKED in the head with the briefcase.
Chioda has woken up, and the winner is EDGE!
WINNER: EDGE!
The dent in the briefcase, no matter of what the thing is made of.. is fairly impressive. So the #1 contendership next week is Edge vs. Kane. Wonoder if we are going to see some kind of Lita swerve as we here at the Rabble were discussing.
Anyway, by the end of the show – we are all near damn unconcious – not because it was a horrible show, just a long long weekend. Damn Mother’s Day. Mom loves the Tequiza and kept us all on a bender.
So overall, I’d say not a horrible show, much better than the last few months, but not going anywhere near last week’s.
Til next – all entrants into the DIVA SEARCH goto Rabblediva@gmail.com – G’night.
