Alternate Reality by Vin Tastic

Columns

This week, a few random issues and no focused topic. Just a couple of things to get out there…

TODAY’S ISSUE: This, that, and the other thing.

First and foremost, rest in peace Mr. Candido. My heartfelt condolences go out to his family and loved ones. I hope Tammy gets through this horrible tragedy ok. The wrestling fans of the world will miss him…

Regarding WWE’s highly anticipated draft lottery, I sincerely hope the rumors of Captain Charisma’s move to SmackDown are true. However, after the way Kane so easily dispatched the Leader of the Peepulation in the first round of the Gold Rush tourney, I’m not so sure I believe Vince is ready to give Mr. Reso the main-event push that all his Peeps (myself included) hope to see. I say, let Christian leave Tomko behind on Raw and become a serious threat to Cena for the Bling-Belt. Speaking of the draft lottery, InsidePulse’s own Chris Biscuiti poses some intriguing fantasy-trading in his Counterfeit Pennies column. Other than Tony Schimmel, I think all his suggestions would make the shows better. I hope it works out similar to his predictions.

TNA might not be the darling of the IWC right now, but I like it, and I’m happy there’s something else out there with a national television slot. I realize iMPACT! is no Nitro, but it’s another place for the WWE’s castoffs to ply their trade. Who knows? Once Vince heads back over to the USA Network, TNA just might get a spot on Spike TV. That could be the break they need to start to make an impact on a larger scale. My main man Scott Sumner presents TN-Analyis to keep you on your toes regarding affairs of state down in Jarrettland.

Two weeks ago I offered to recognize the best fantasy booking of a Matt Hardy return to Raw, and Big ED was the victor. Here’s how he would do it:

Hey,

I agree that releasing Matt Hardy and then keeping the two offenders on the roster is not only ill advised, considering the fact that Matt has a ton of talent, but also extremely disrespectful and sets a very dangerous precedent.

The Booking 101 way of re-introducing V1 would be have him come out and bad mouth Lita, have Edge attack and thus turning the “behind the scenes” feud into a worked-shoot type of storyline. But that’s boring.

I would begin with Lita instead of ignoring the chants from the crowd actually acknowledge the chants and the release of Matt Hardy and say that she is sorry. Profess that she loves Matt and wants him back and the Edge was just a fling because she was so lonely on the road without Matt. Lita says that she has called and written Matt several times but that he won’t talk to her. So to prove her love she’s going to get him reinstated on RAW, and starts a petition for the rehiring of Matt.

With this announcement, Kane and Edge go ballistic. Being that this is Kane’s first knowledge of Lita/Edge together he goes wild, screaming at his wife that she’s betrayed him and so on. He then goes on a rampage destroying anything and everything in his path to find Edge in the building. Meanwhile, we see Edge looking frantically to find Lita while at the same time trying to stay ahead of Kane. Edge finally finds Lita and asks her what’s wrong with her, why is she trying to bring back Matt after she said all those things about him as they laid in bed, etc. While they’re conversing Kane appears to obliterate Edge as the show goes off the air.

The petition goes up that night on WWE.com and starts to get pounded immediately. Next week on Raw we find out that at the next PPV Kane will be facing Edge for Lita, while we find out the results of the petition. Throughout the next month we see that everyone from Christian to Maven to even Snitsky is gossiping and giving their two cents about the possible reinstatement of Matt and the whole torrid love triangle (square?). Trish lets Lita know in no uncertain terms that she’s still a slut etc. Meanwhile Lita continues to go on TV and profess her love for Matt and that the other guys meant nothing to her. While Kane and Edge both go into ultra sensitive roles trying to woo Lita back to their arms. Making for some very funny television.

At the PPV, Lita sits in a neutral corner, while Kane and Edge try to kill each other while the fate of Matt Hardy is still up in the air. During the melee, Hardy comes from of the crowd dressed in street clothes and lays them both out with a steel chair to the delight of the crowd and Lita, who tries to run into his arms. Matt, however, holds her at bay and simply walks away without saying anything.

Raw opens the next night with Matt Hardy, saying that he is reinstated and coming back to serve a nice cold dish of revenge. Lita comes rushing out and Matt again holds her at bay. Lita tells him she’s sorry and that she’ll do anything to be with him again. Matt says that shell have to repay him for all the damage that she has done to him. Matt says that he’ll take her back but there will be conditions. At this, Kane and Edge come out and say that for Matt to have Lita he has to go through them. So a three way dance is set up for the following week, that after about 20 minutes of violence sees Matt pinning Edge clean in the middle of the ring. Kane then shows a compassion he never showed before and gives Lita to Matt. Matt reminds Lita that there will be conditions to their relationship.

Over the next few weeks there will be backstage vignettes shown were Matt just makes Lita do the most humiliating chores. Clean the bottom of his boots with her tongue, wash the toilet bowl with her hair, uses her as a footstool, calling her all kinds of names (Hey, Skank get my bag) and so on. Matt is in just uber-heel mode even if the crowd is popping for him. He makes Lita accompany him to the ring in the most ridiculous outfits (like a Smurf or Bear or something like that) and gets everyone to laugh at her.

Meanwhile because Lita is training Hemme, there are several instances where Matt eyes her up and down, talks to her and ignores Lita and the like. And we begin to get the feeling that something is going on. Eventually, Lita walks into Matt’s dressing room and there is Matt and Hemme getting it on. Matt and Hemme don’t ever try to hide it, they just laugh at her and Lita runs off crying.

Matt would then go off with Hemme as his new valet (actually giving her a reason to be on the show) and feud with the Man he should have feuded with when he first jumped to Raw: Shawn Michaels.

Great article. Hope you enjoyed my booking. – ED

Wow! A lot of thought went into Big ED’s fantasy booking. Thank you for our inputs, Sir.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.

p.s. – The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people suffer from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.

Master Sergeant, United States Air Force