In Memoriam: Herb Sargent, who set the standard for radio and TV comedy writing and influenced all who followed, including guys like Mel Brooks and Woody Allen.
In Memoriam II: Representative Peter Rodino, a lawmaker that New Jersey could be proud of. Always kept his cool under the most trying of circumstances (viz. the Nixon impeachment investigation).
Okay, so why no Short Form this weekend? Is Scooter about to resurrect his Smackdown coverage now that High-Quality Speaker Boy doesn’t have the belt anymore? No, he’s too interested in the promise of guaranteed sex that a wedding ring’s supposed to give. It’s still a novelty to him. No, there were practical reasons.
I started noticing a trend on my machine: perpetual crashes when I was trying to transcode video. Then the perpetual crashes started happening while doing anything on my computer. I finally got sick of the crashes on Saturday morning when Windows had a hard time (re)booting, and the DVD of Doctor Who Confidential I made up for my friends in Chicago had sound synchronization errors (thank God for this shit-ass little town and its post office that closes at 11:30AM on Saturday; it gave me the chance to redo the videos and correct the synch problem before I actually mailed the package out). I tried to track down any software incompatibilities, explored a few possible possibilites, then found that it wasn’t that. So I tried to track down the hardware end, hoping that my system wouldn’t completely fail until the new mobo, processor, and RAM I ordered through our one dinky computer store in this town arrives (sometime today or tomorrow, from what I’m told). Now, I’ve had my system overclocked in a minor fashion and it’s been stable for about three years in that configuration. I finally convinced myself that this was the cause, set the bus back to its normal setting, and now…well, it’s working again perfectly. But it took me all day Saturday to do everything*. Figuring this out mentally trashed me so much that I had insomnia on Saturday night. Well, I usually have it once a month or so anyway, so doing it on the weekend is a helluva lot better than having it happen during the week, when I would end up taking time off yet again for another stress-related illness. It’s now happened six weeks in a row, and I’m trying not to make this seven.
* – I decided to concentrate my computer on getting fixed instead of watching the Derby because this is the first one in my lifetime without HST, and that would have depressed and upset me even more than the computer did.
So that blew the Short Form. Hell, I was so desperate to get to sleep on Saturday night that I tried to use Impact as a sleep aid, knowing that the show normally bores me to tears, and that didn’t even work. And, of course, in my dementia due to lack of sleep, I spotted something I turned into a news item. I eventually did get some sleep all day Sunday and a K-Dawg-assisted Sunday night, but I was still having problems transcoding those video files. God, let me get those done. My friends in Chicago are expecting that laptop I refurbished for them.
And now my Inside Pulse e-mail account has become a magnet for Sober-O, the latest in the nasty virus category. Thank God for Symantec Anti-Virus. Thank God for being able to pirate Symantec Anti-Virus. It’s turned out to be one of the best things I’ve pirated lately, and God bless the Pirate Bay for that chance. And speaking of Pirate Bay, they had Cena’s CD up there yesterday. I didn’t download it, of course, because I don’t like wiggers, but I just thought you guys should know.
Miche-Miche’s trying to get together a Doctor Who Round Table, but I don’t think Murtz will go for it. Plus, we only have six episodes to go before the season break. So I’ll do my opinion of this week’s episode here. The Long Game was really weak coming off of Dalek, but what episode wouldn’t be? But the Doctor kicked Adam out of the Tardis for trying to f*ck with history. Makes for a great contrast with Peter Davison’s “I Love Everybody” mode, when he should have shoved a broomstick up Turlough’s ass until he passed out from rectal bleeding for what he did to him instead of inviting him aboard as a companion. And speaking of rectal bleeding, here comes the Pimps…
THE PIMP SECTION
Hey, my Aussie Bureau Chief brought up Soylent Green, Lucard; I just endeavored to answer as an expert on meat and general types of food. And at least you have the luxury of discussing Freud and Jung in your columns; I already know what they’d say about wrestling.
Pretty crap selections for PC games this week, but Misha still discusses them.
Toby B discusses his Top Ten Greatest Albums by Artists I Despise. My top one would be Nevermind. But at least he hates Anal-Ass Moron-Shit.
Campbell understands how I’ve felt ever since WCW and ECW closed down.
Leeman gets through Epilepsy somehow.
Hatton does it with his friends again.
If you don’t read the Short Form, read West. Hell, even if you do read the Short Form, read him.
I wasn’t supposed to be in the NWO, Hevia, but I did at least accomplish the “sleep with Keibler” part of that statement.
Here’s Stein with his indies again. The man must, and I mean must, get a life.
Nguyen shouldn’t worry about being banned. I make those decisions around here.
Maillaro does Marvel, Stevens does DC. You have to admire their conssitency.
THE BUG OF TAPING IN ADVANCE
WWE learned the hard way about taping in advance when Eric Bischoff started revealing results of taped episodes of Raw on live Nitros (yes, kiddies, Eric Bischoff actually did run WCW, and was an announcer as well; sometimes I have to remind our newer viewers that Bisch and WCW wasn’t actually a work). WCW learned the hard way about taping in advance at the Disney tapings, when results of matches were leaked out far in advance of their airing (which led to the infamous “negative title reign” of the Freebirds as tag champs, where they actually lost the belts at a taping before they won them at a live event). Now TNA is learning the hard way about taping in advance, ironically in the same city as WCW’s incidents. They’re going to learn from me.
Here’s a screen cap from last Friday’s Impact:
Notice the sign on the left? Uh, Memo To The Guy Holding The Sign: getting well from the condition that Candido has has only been accomplished once. Some guy named Lazarus.
Aren’t there any film editors employed with TNA? There sure as hell are with FSN. Doesn’t someone look at these things prior to creating the broadcast master that’s shipped to FSN? How difficult would it have been to have spliced in another piece of crowd footage (although that wouldn’t have helped when the same schmuck held up the sign during Abyss’ pose in the ring during the intro to the first match and it was partially visible and understandable as “Get Well Candido”)? Or how about putting a digital blur on the sumbitch? Shit, WWE does it all the time for Cena’s “Ruck Fules” hat. Hell, they did it fourteen years ago when Flair was lugging the NWA championship belt with him on WWE television. It would take a couple of minutes for a competent film editor to do it. Or if it was too late to do it at the TNA level, how about some film checker giving a call to FSN? “Uh, guys, we’ve got a problem here. Some guy’s holding a sign up asking a dead guy to get well. Can you do a little editing on the master to get rid of it?” Or some influential, popular columnist in the IWC is going to screen cap it and bust you on it, right?
Doesn’t anyone at either place give a shit? I know FSN doesn’t; they deal in product, pure and simple. But someone at TNA should have seen this, even if the filming happened weeks ago. Isn’t there a final check that goes on between TNA and FSN prior to broadcast to make sure that it’s the right week’s episode and all? I know, the people who know television broadcasting better than I do (and I do know a lot about it) are saying that shit like this happens, especially if they do post-production early and ship episodes to FNS en masse. But isn’t there any kind of “final check” system where the guys at TNA look over the tape, say, a few days prior to broadcast and can communicate any problems that might arise to FSN? Or was just everyone creaming their jeans over the fact that Jeff Jarrett, A. J. Styles, and Abyss were on Blue Collar TV (not to mention Don West and Jeremy Borash; thank you, Mike Tenay, for having a little dignity for not participating in this shit)?
You know, this is the first time I’ve asked that many questions over a period of two paragraphs. However, this is the first time I’ve ever seen a broadcast get away with someone asking someone who died in a very tragic fashion to get well. It’s the video equivalent of a Silent But Deadly in giving offense. Well, here’s the truth: someone at TNA and/or FSN farted, and I’m pointing (or better yet, pulling) the finger.
AND A MEMORANDUM ABOUT SIGNS…
Memo To Smackdown Audiences: Stop carrying around the “Just a Big Loser” signs for High-Quality Speaker Boy. Having one and showing it to the camera marks you as a sheep and an uncreative idiot. I’m just tired of seeing them, and it’s your fault. So come up with something new and f*ck off.
SOMEONE’S TRYING TO BE CYNICAL
Here’s a quote I found interesting from the online Observer:
There will be TV tapings for Raw on 8/15 in Montreal and Smackdown on 8/16 in Toronto. Announcers, get ready to insult your paying customers.
You have to parse this one out in order to figure out what Da Meltz is doing here. First of all, apparently, Ross, Lawler, Cole, and Tazz aren’t part of his stable of informers, so he can get away with explicitly insulting them. Second, there may be some hostility toward said announcers by the boys backstage, in order for him not to get away with alienating his stable of informers, now that Wife-Beater’s pretty much gone and can’t defend his old pal Ross. Third, if the Canadian audience can’t get over Montreal, neither can Da Meltz. He always plugs it in his extended pimp for his dead-tree edition as the best-selling and most desired issue for his new subscribers as their bonus issue, and if he does that, he’s playing to his crowd at the very least and still obsessed after seven and a half years at the worst. Either way, he looks like an opportunist or a neurotic. At least I’m clear about being a neurotic, which accounts for my obsessions with Flex and Wife-Beater.
I love trying to figure out Da Meltz. He’s so objective that he leaves no real clues as to his motivation except at times like this, so it’s a rare occasion that I can do so. It’s great fun. You should try it sometime.
IS THERE ANYTHING ABOUT ABUSING YOUR BODY IN THE QU’RAN?
Also from Da Meltz:
Shawn “Khosrow” Daivari posted on his web site that when he was in Europe, he wanted to train with Chris Benoit and Rob Conway and they warm-up by doing 500 Hindu squats. He said the average person can do 20 before cramping. I’d guess the average person could do closer to 100 on their first try, but they’ll be hating life at around 60. Anyway, he got up to 325 to 400 and couldn’t walk the next day. Well, you are supposed to build up slowly. He said he couldn’t bend his legs on the Raw show, but with the adrenaline, he still worked the tag match. He said he pissed red, puked five times and pissed a Dr. Pepper color. He found out he had broken down muscle fibers in his legs to the point they got into his kidney and was pissing it out.
Thank you, Mister Daivari, for revealing this little factoid to the world. My entire urogenital tract tried to invert itself when I read that. This is real queasy material if there ever was one. Well, that’s the price you pay for an upcoming face push, I guess.
ONLY ON THE INDIE SCENE
I was trolling around the online Observer yesterday morning to find something, anything to put in this column (God knows that 1bullshit Junior wasn’t helping), and I ran across the indie results from the Saturday show in Detroit (another promotion spot possibility; they’ve got three slots open because no one wants to go to Detroit), the mucha lucha Revolucion Enmascarada. Here are some of the results that just seemed…well, weird:
Psicosis and Juventud Guerrera were both no-shows and it was announced they missed their flights.
What? You’re telling me that Juvi missed a flight? Oh, God, what a shocker!
N8 Mattson & Breyer Wellington & Anthony Rivera b Jaimy Coxxx & Mr. Meaner & Zach Gowen
Zach Gowen in a trios match? Why didn’t WWE try it instead of pushing Ol’ One-Leg down our throats?
Gutter b Chris Sabin
Jobbing to make some X-Division guy look good, yeah, that I can see. Jobbing to make some indy guy look good? That I can’t.
Truth Martini b Christopher Daniels
Oh, that’s just wrong on so many levels.
Konnan & El Hijo del Santo b American Kickboxer & L.A. Park
Two things wrong with this one: 1) I guess it must be our perception of Konnan in this country (meaning the US), but the idea of him teaming up with El Hijo del Santo…it’s like Chris Benoit tagging with Gene Snitsky. I know that Konnan has a different rep in Mexico, but it just seems out of whack. 2) La Parka jobbing?! How dare they!!
As I said, I’m desperate for something if I’m digging into the agate-type stuff in the online Observer. Forgive me.
And forgive me for the Short Form, but I have to do it. You guys love it, and I try to cater to my audience instead of Da Meltz catering to his insiders…
THE SHORT FORM
Chris Jericho over Ol’ Doctor Pepper Piss (Submission, Walls of Jericho): Well, the whole “get back into your good graces” thing by Daivari definitely points the finger on how this one’s going to go: Daivari completes the face turn prior to the draft, goes to Smackdown, and has the CW
belt within three months. He can really play well to other wrestlers; that was about the most unique transition into the Walls that I’ve ever seen. Angle development match, but it seemed to work well enough for me to enjoy it a bit.
Viscera over Sylvain Grenier (Pinfall, sit-out choke powerbomb): The expected squash came through as expected. However, the real great stuff came in the middle of the squash, when Viscera was choking out Grenier and started a pull move on his neck that made it look like Big Vis was, well, f*cking Grenier up the ass. We’ve all heard about Grenier getting a job with the WWE based on a casting couch situation with Pat Patterson; does anyone else think that Vis was sending a message to the smarks with that little move? If so, he actually has some coolness in him. That surprises me to no end.
Kane over Chris Benoit, Gold Rush Semi-Final Match (Pinfall, chokeslam): A few times, I’ve called Akira Taue “the Japanese Kane”. After this match, I can understand why a lot of puro fans love Taue. My biggest complaint with Jacobs is that he has this tendency to sleepwalk his way through matches (last week, for example). For this match, he was completely awake. He actually adjusted his style toward Benoit (not as much as Benoit adjusted his toward Kane, but the effort was still made), and sold pretty well for Benoit on top of that. If we could see this Kane in the ring more often, maybe he’d get a little more respect from certain quarters of the IWC, like here.
Ric Flair over Tyson Tomko (Pinfall, rollup): Damn, I love watching Flair work in face mode. It happens so rarely now that it’s like a special treat. And for the short period this match lasted, it was vintage Flair, including the ending (nut shot to a rollup). The upcoming Flair/Christian match will be something good to see, I think.
Shelton Benjamin over Rob Conway (Pinfall, springboard bulldog): Conway’s been buried in the tag ranks for so long that we’ve essentially forgotten what brought him to the table in the first place: his phenomenal singles performances in OVW. We were able to see flashes of that here. If they think they have enough tag teams to have a stable tag division, then either play more teasy-weasy with La Res or break them up in the draft. Send Grenier to Smackdown and let Conway find his way in the Raw midcard for a while, then elevate him. It’d be worth it. And on top of that, Benjy has a new feud with Hassan. Anyone who didn’t see that coming, raise your hands. Everyone with hands up, you’re idiots.
Edge over Shawn Michaels, Gold Rush Semi-Final Match (Pinfall, Greco-Roman briefcase shot): This match was doubly anticlimactic after last week. First of all, Michaels/Benjy was that damn good. Secondly, the whole tournament was telegraphed after you had three faces and one heel winning matches in order to go up against a face. Edge beats Kane next week and gets his title shot.
Memo To Todd Grisham: You do not belong in the same ring as My Beautiful and Beloved. You do not belong on the same planet as My Beautiful and Beloved. You have ten seconds to vacate. Not the ring, the planet.
Memo to Mike Bucci, Maven Huffman, Gregory Helms, and Rosey: See above.
Okay, tomorrow might be a little dicey. I’m expecting a new mobo, processor, and RAM, and I might be installing those and a copy of Windows 64-bit (yes, I pirated it, even prior to ordering said hardware) (Update: the parts came in Monday after I was at work, and I’ll be picking them up today). So I have an excuse for blowing it off at the very least. And this weekend, I’ll try to get the Short Form in, I promise. So until whenever I get together a column, I’ll bid you farewell.