I’m sick, my computer is on the fritz, but do you think that’s going to stop me from putting out another excellent recap of Desperate Housewives? Heck no! It’s just going to make it take a lot longer.
There’s nothing in the mailbag, so no more lolligagging, let’s get on with the recap!
Previously, on Desperate Housewives:
Susan’s mother made quite an impression…Bree made a secret committment…Gabrielle made a discovery…Tom made a mistake…and Susan made an appointment…with trouble.
Susan’s mother breaks up with Bob Newhart in their on-again off-again relationship, this one ending with Susan’s mother biting him, Bree goes behind Rex’s back to hang around with Curious George The Creepiest Little Pharmacist, Gabrielle is pregnant and it’s all Carlos’ fault, Tom hired an old girlfriend but didn’t tell Lynette about it for three months, and Susan decided to call up a private eye to get to the bottom of Paul Young’s secret, or secrets.
When she was younger, Sophie Bremmer was a hopeless romantic. She was also hopelessly naive, which is how she came to be married four times. The first time to a man who liked to gamble. The second time to a man who liked to drink. The third time to a man who liked other men. And the fourth man to the same man she married the second time. Yes, Sophie was tired of having her heart broken. So she decided she would never get married again. And then one night, she had a visitor.
That visitor is Morty, who wants to talk to Sophie but runs into Susan. Susan doesn’t think that it’ll work out between Morty and Sophie, but Sophie is awake and listening to the whole thing, as Morty wants to propose to Sophie. And there she is, as everything gets a little sentimental and Morty eventually hands over the ring…that belonged to Morty’s dead wife. Morty didn’t think Sophie would care, but Sophie will go along with it, much to the surprise of Morty…and Susan. But the one condition as Morty is down on bended knee is that Sophie gets a bigger diamond than Dolores.
Sophie Bremmer was still a hopeless romantic…but she was no longer naive.
And you will no longer be watching Desperate Housewives in about 57 minutes. Closed captioning is sponsored by Ford bleh bleh bleh.
Marriage is a simple concept. Basically, it’s a contract between two people. That binds them together for life, in the hopes that they can live happily ever after. Sadly, some contracts are made to be broken.
The contract in question is the one between Gabrielle and Carlos, as Carlos lies about not tampering with the birth control but Gabrielle doesn’t quite believe him. And then Carlos gets ingenius on us and blames it on his mother, as Gabrielle orders the pill in bulk so there was still time for Mama Solis to tamper with the medication before her accident. Carlos lets the bullshit fly…and it sticks to Gabrielle’s wall…I think. Gabby feels some morning sickness coming on, so when it hits, she needs to be on her mother’s grave.
Tom is about to leave for work, but Lynette wants to ask him something. It’s regarding the sex–or the lack thereof. They’ve gone ten days without it, which is a new record. Tom promises some horizontal boppage tonight, but as he’s about to head out the door, he realizes he’s forgotten his briefcase just as the carpool leader knocks on the door. Lynette invites the person in…and it’s Annabel Foster. Lynette is quickly uncomfortable around her, as Annabel whips out her PDA, laughing at whatever it’s saying on there as Tom finally comes back down, briefcase in hand as Lynette seems to be going crazy from all the paranoia.
Sophie likes the new ring, as Morty loads her stuff up into the car. That’s right, Morty and Sophie are on the way out and Morty has some parting words for Susan, asking her to not give up on Manslaughter Mike…of course, Morty wasn’t told by Sophie that Mike indeed served time for manslaughter and was also a drug dealer. Sophie then reveals her trip to Mike’s house the other day confessing Susan’s love for him, and then explaining that someone close to him had just died and so Mike could probably use some comfort. And there’s Mike, giving Susan a case of the ol’ stinkeye as they both share a glance.
Bree and George are eating dinner together, as Bree shares a story about having some great marinara sauce in Italy with a trip with Rex before the kids were born, since it was so much easier to have fun back then. But Bree is rambling, so maybe she could go easy on the wine for a spell. But George is talking gibberish too as he tries to convince Bree to go to Italy with him. Bree thinks people would talk, though, but little does she know as she’s about to feed some clam to George…Edie Britt is watching from a distance. Bree finally meets eyes with Edie, as Edie just got her latest bit of dirt on our lovely Housewives.
And now, a word from our sponsors… Mike by himself is still interesting, unfortunately Sophie/Susan/Morty is boring and so is Susan/Mike. Lynette/Tom is kinda interesting though, as it’s a good question to what lengths Lynette will go to to keep Tom satisfied and not drive him away into the open arms of Annabel Foster. Oh, and I can’t tell if Gabrielle is bluffing or not.
Back with Lynette and Tom, as Lynette ushers the children to bed since “Daddy and I have a special meeting tonight.” Daddy arrives home, and they’re both ready for loving, but Tom can’t get over the smell of Lynette’s clothes, which were covered in baby drool. It really ruins the mojo for Tom, so much that he gets dumb and says something about men liking it when women put a little effort into things. Tom covers up and wants to go back to the kissing, but a baby crying interrupts that and might as well chalk another day up.
And now Paul Young is with the Private Dick, the same one that Susan hired, as we’ve got a little swervage going on. “Lucky for you, I’ve got the biggest ad in the phone book.” The private eye suggests that Paul make a run for it with Zach, but Paul knows that Zach doesn’t want to leave and he can get pretty pissy about those kinds of things. So the private eye then suggests to draw Susan away from Paul to give him enough time, and then asks Paul exactly what it is Susan should think Paul is up to.
Going to the Mayer house now, as the private eye turns over his “evidence”, which comes to the same conclusion and confirms Paul Young’s story that Mary Alice changed her name because Angela was the name of a relative that she was no longer speaking to. All the papers are there, but Susan wants to know about Dana. Well, turns out that there was another child in the Young family, who died at the age of 18 months from some kind of fall. Susan now thinks that Paul Young’s story is fact, and is ready to hand over a check for the man’s services, but she then gets the bright idea of having the private eye check in on Mike.
Gabrielle trots up to John as he is doing some gardening work, and Gabrielle has some news for him that might upset him. John thinks that he can take it, but when Gabby tells him the truth John flips out. He can barely afford his new dirt bike and now he might have to support a kid? Gabrielle just wants to make sure that John is protected from Carlos and his parents, so that this whole thing doesn’t bring both Gabby and John down. John laments about not using a condom…
And now, a word from our sponsors… The private eye visiting the Delfino household? The plot thickens. Don’t really care about Lynette/Tom, and I’m still waiting for Carlos to do a little bit more flipping out on John.
Returning to the Mayer house as the private eye has worked fast, getting plenty of information on Mike in a short time as Susan has her daughter read through it first, looking for the bad things but telling her to put a positive spin on it. Julie has good news/bad news. Bad news is that Mike’s a cop killer, but the good news is…uh, there is none. Julie can’t put a positive spin on things though, as Susan looks through it herself, and then notices a picture of Mike Delfino in custody, seeing Noah and THAT girl in the background. That girl was from an earlier episode…I’m not going to bother finding out which one.
That girl, Kendra, notices Noah and Mike talking on a bridge nearby and rushes up to find out what the deal is. Noah and Mike claim to be just talking and not planning out anything regarding Dierdre, because Kendra makes note that Dierdre humiliated the family, she knew it and she didn’t care less about what she did. Of course, Noah thinks that Dierdre was just on too many drugs to know any better.
Rex and Bree argue over the prospect of getting a new cardiologist, as Rex worries about his health and knows that if he doesn’t get a second opinion on his problems, it’s probably going to get worse. They’re on their way to socialize with the cardiologist and his wife, but Bree notices Edie walking down the street and goes out of her way to have a conversation with her.
So Bree catches up with Edie, trying to clear her name regarding the whole George thing. Edie takes some convincing, but Bree finally does so, even though Edie still thinks that Bree is cheating on Rex by telling George her innermost thoughts and whatnot. Without the sex, that’s still being pretty intimate with someone other than her husband. Bree finds it easy to talk to George, but Edie wonders what’s wrong with talking to Rex?
Paul Young isn’t home, so leave a message, and it’s Felicia who wants Zach to come over again some time and chat with her. But Paul, being the creepy bastard that he is, is right there by the answering machine, telling Felicia that Zach isn’t feeling well and it isn’t appropriate for her to be spending so much time with him. Felicia is less than enthused by Paul’s response, but that might as well be law.
Paul brings Zach some cocoa, as Zach has been feeling awful for a couple of days but Paul just thinks it’s a touch of the flu. The conversation changes to Paul wanting to move out since there seems to be something unhealthy about the house, but Zach still won’t budge. Paul suggests that they just pick up and move house, so maybe Zach can meet some new friends or maybe even a new girl. Zach is out like a light though from Paul drugging the cocoa, so Paul tells Zach to sleep on it and they’ll just talk about it tomorrow.
The lack of passion in her marriage had become an unpleasant reality for Lynette. Then one day, it occurred to her the best way to fight reality, was with a little fantasy. Of course, all the fantasy in the world won’t do you any good if no one shows up to enjoy it.
So, even when Lynette is dressed up in a French maid costume, Tom doesn’t show up right away, so Lynette drinks the night away and ends up passed out on the sofa…right as one of Tom’s business partners gets home to spend the night at his place. “Yeah, the sofa should be fine.”
And now, a word from our sponsors… Ah, good ol’ Lynette, always willing to put her ass up in the air in a French maid outfit to generate a few laughs. Gotta love Paul/Zach/Felicia, but I don’t care much for Bree/Rex/Edie/George, and I love seeing Noah in whatever he’s involved in so he’s welcome in any scene.
Back with Lynette and Tom post-maid incident as Tom gives her flak for it but Lynette was only doing it because she thought that their marriage was in trouble. Tom wasn’t getting that vibe at all but those are the facts as far as Lynette is concerned, and now she’s even more worried about Annabel Foster since she has become, in Lynette’s mind, Tom’s fantasy and Tom’s reality is his wife, the one he has committed to. Lynette gets a little choked up about it but Tom still goes off to work, despite looking a little uneasy.
Carlos is in the bathtub as Gabby eats, and when Carlos complains that her food is being given more attention than Carlos is getting attention, Gabrielle slams on Carlos’ mother, telling him that she is getting fat as a tribute to her.
But outside the Solis’ house is John, as he’s been doing some thinking about the baby and thinks that they should tell the truth to Carlos. He wants to work it out man to man, but Gabrielle thinks that would be suicide, but John is determined to go through with it. So Gabrielle goes off to get Carlos, and by that I mean she distracts Carlos long enough by telling him she’ll be joining him in the bathtub and then playing loud salsa music so he doesn’t hear Gabby and John arguing over things. John is still waiting on the front steps as Gabby arrives back, but Gabby lies and says that he’s unavailable. John goes to get his attention by throwing a chair through the window, so Gabrielle decides to throw salsa in his face as John falls back onto the front lawn, complaining the it burns like acid. Finally, Gabrielle gets a little sense into John, telling him that no matter who the baby truly belongs to, it will always be Carlos’ child since he can provide the most for the baby. John thinks that’s not right, but Carlos interrupts the proceedings and greeting John, inviting him to come back and work for the Solis’. After all, John’s like family. No kidding.
And now, a word from our sponsors… Just waiting for Carlos to explode is enough to keep me watching, but I don’t know what I’ll do after that happens.
Felicia is waiting for Paul Young to leave, and once he does Felicia sneaks into the Young house, kidnapping Zach but leaving a note making it clear that she took Zach, who is still feeling the effects of the pills Paul used to drug him with the cocoa.
Lynette is reading a Parents’ magazine with a milk ad on the back (Got any?) as Tom arrives home from work, grabbing an egg timer out of nowhere and telling Lynette not to enter their room until the timer goes off. Once it finally does, she enters, and Tom emerges from the nearby bathroom in nothing but a speedo, looking pretty buff if I do say so myself. Tom and Lynette are ready for loving, but Lynette won’t give into Tom’s one request to turn the lights off. Looks like he’s going to have to face reality head-on.
At Felicia’s house, Felicia is enjoying a cup of whatever but Paul is here for his son. “I am not my sister, Paul. You do not want to screw with me.” Paul is intrigued by this sudden bravery from Felicia, and then Felicia whips out the copies of Martha Huber’s diary, which include passages regarding her relevation that Mary Alice and Paul stole a baby named Dana. Felicia kept the originals elsewhere, a pretty wise idea considering that Paul murdered Martha and everything. Felicia offers Paul a cookie, but Paul is dumbfounded. Felicia wants to offer Paul a deal, but Paul tries to pass it off as Martha’s ramblings and no real proof. Felicia assures Paul that he hasn’t been caught because no one has suspected him as of yet. What does Felicia want? Felicia wants Paul to go away, change his name, just go far away from Felicia. Why won’t Felicia just turn Paul in? Well, it would certainly upset Zach, and considering that he will be living with Felicia from here on out, it’s important to stay on good terms with a roomie. That definitely gets Paul’s attention, but Felicia explains that if Paul was a good father, he’d leave Zach behind. But he doesn’t think he can do it. He did steal Zach to give him a better life, but now he has to give Zach away. Paul just wants to say goodbye, but Felicia notes that Martha did not get a chance to hear a goodbye from her sister. So Paul storms off…and Felicia reveals that she was hiding a knife in one of her hands during the whole conversation, letting a sigh of relief out that it was all over now.
And now, a word from our sponsors… Home stretch, and Felicia/Zach/Paul is just plain awesome, but I hope this isn’t the end of Paul Young, my favorite little creepy buddy.
Susan arrives at Kendra Taylor’s residence, but a security guard is right there to show Susan out the exit. Susan needs to find out if she can be with the man she loves, and the only way is to see Kendra Taylor. This is important to Susan, so she’s going to walk up there and do it, because she thinks that behind that badge and the barrel chest that the security guard has a heart. But she’s wrong as he puts Susan up against the hood forcefully. “Just get in the damn car.” And there’s Kendra to see what the commotion is.
Kendra, Noah and Susan all gather around a table as Susan presents the story that she has, but she can’t help but feel there’s a missing piece. But Noah lies and pretends to be in deep hatred of Mike, saying that he sold black tar heroin to his daughter and killed a cop who tried to bust him, served his time and is now out and about. There’s nothing more to it, and Susan is just going to have to accept that. As she leaves, Kendra wonders what the hell that was all about, and Noah says that if he had told her the truth, Susan might’ve been able to talk Mike out of doing his job by running back to him. And Noah simply doesn’t have the time for that stuff.
Back in the car, Kendra joins Susan, telling her that they need to talk.
Bree is weaving something for Gabrielle’s baby, but Rex is less than impressed. He’s worried about the test results but hates to complain about it, but Bree wants to talk about the whole issue, and wonders if they don’t talk enough as it is. Bree wants to start doing things again as a couple…and then suggests going on a vacation with Rex once he’s well again. Bree asks about the Italy trip, but Rex only sort of remembers it. Rex had a negative outlook on that trip, and that just disappoints the hell out of Bree.
Kendra is explaining the true story, as Dierdre turned out to be the drug user in the family, as Mike kicked the habit early on. An undercover cop caught Dierdre using drugs, but allowed her to trade sex for her freedom. Mike did something about it, busting in on the two of them during sex and sending the cop and himself over the balcony when the cop pulled a gun. Mike was the only one who got up from that balcony fall. Susan realizes that Mike did use self-defense, but it was too late to save Dierdre. Susan knew that Mike was a good guy, though, and thanks Kendra for the truth.
The vow is simple, really. Those who take it promise to stay together. For better or for worse. For richer or for poorer. In sickness and in health. To honor and to cherish. Forsaking all others. Until death do us part. Yes, the vow is simple. Finding someone worthy of such a promise is the hard part. But if we can, that’s when we begin to live happily ever after.
Morty and Sophie seem so happy before Morty gets the bill for the ring, Bree looks worried about Rex’s health and the marriage’s future, Tom and Lynette share a passionate kiss, and Gabrielle and Carlos share a peck as Gabby notices John gardening just a short distance away. Paul looks sadly at a photo of him and Mary Alice. And finally, Susan rushes over to Mike, throwing herself at him and kissing him passionately.
End show!
