What a Tease!

No time for a long or witty intro this week (again) so let’s get right into it.

Crowd: Thank god he didn’t do it…..

What time is it? Trailer Time!! Huzzah!!

Crowd: Oh, damn it……

New Trailers Online this Week

Basically, you’ll get a direct link to the trailer, the main stars involved in the film, the ‘Plot According to Yahoo’ (Or IMDB if it’s an Apple Trailer), the length of the trailer and the *estimated* release date. You’ll ALSO get the following: The Spoilerish ranking – what this basically gauges is how much of the movie the trailer gives away, on a 1-10 scale; My Analysis of the trailer, sometimes being pretty straight and narrow, sometimes being witty and sarcastic, sometimes both; finally, you’ll get an Overall Rating, which is ‘calculated’ based on the length of the trailer, it’s ‘spoilerish-ness’ and, well, how I feel about it. It IS my column, after all, but I promise the ratings will be fair and make sense.

New Trailers This Week:

Bomb the System

Starring: Mark Webber, Jaclyn DeSantis, Gano Grills, Jade Yorker, Joey Dedio

The plot according to Yahoo: Anthony “Blest” Campo and his crew are the best street artists in town, which makes them a prime target for Bobby Cox and the infamous NYPD Vandal Squad. After a fatal accident threatens to break up the crew and convinces Blest he needs to leave town for good, a violent clash is inevitable.

Length: 1:50
Spoilerish: 4.5
Release Date: May 27th, 2005 (Limited)
Analysis: A very intense trailer kicks things off this week. This film is set in the streets, and the trailer makes sure you know it. It’s gritty and down to earth, showcasing the strengths of the film. The acting looks good and the plot seems solid. A bunch of street ‘artists’ in it for fun get down and dirty with the cops, and it just gets worse from there. The trailer won’t entertain everyone, but if you’re looking for a solid genre flick, this might be up your alley come its limited release.
Overall Rating: 6

The Dukes of Hazzard

Starring: Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, Jessica Simpson, Burt Reynolds, Willie Nelson

The plot according to Yahoo: Set in present day, the story follows the adventures of “good old boy” cousins, Bo (Seann William Scott) and Luke (Johnny Knoxville) Duke, who with the help of their eye-catching cousin Daisy (Jessica Simpson) and moonshine running Uncle Jesse (Willie Nelson), try and save the family farm from being destroyed by Hazzard County’s corrupt commissioner Boss Hogg (Burt Reynolds). Their efforts constantly find the “Duke Boys” eluding authorities in “The General Lee,” their famed 1969 orange Dodge Charger that keeps them one step ahead of the dimwitted antics of the small southern town’s Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane (M.C. Gainey).

Length: 2:27
Spoilerish: 6
Release: August 5th, 2005
Analysis: Well, first of all, I’ve never seen much of the original Dukes of Hazzard, so I’m flying blind as far as this remake goes. I’d be interested in hearing some feedback from fans of the original show and their thoughts on the casting/presentation of the remake. That being said, the trailer amounts for some amusing moments, but nothing laugh out loud funny. Knoxville and Scott seem well cast for their hick roles, and it’s good to see Burt and Willie on the screen too. The movie could be pretty funny if it comes together, but the trailer seems to be missing something special, and is average at best. What brings it below average is Jessica Simpson – great to look at, but with the accent in this movie, absolutely horrible to listen to. Maybe that’s just me….
Overall Rating: 4.5

The Greatest Game Ever Played

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Stephen Dillane, Peter Firth, Elias Koteas, Peyton List

The plot according to Yahoo: An amateur player from a working class family, Francis Ouimet (Shia LaBeouf) shocked the golf world when at the 1913 U.S. Open, flanked by his 10-year-old caddie, he defeated his idol, the defending British champion Harry Vardon (Stephen Dillane). An unlikely match-up – the ingénue versus the seasoned champ – theirs was the greatest match the sport had ever known. Caught between a world of hardship and a beckoning life of privilege, Francis needed to prove his unfailing will and ability to make it to the tournament. Elias Koteas plays Francis’ tough, hardworking father. Newcomer Peyton List is Sarah Wallis, the beautiful young woman, who catches Francis’ heart. Joshua Flitter is Eddie Lowery, the pint sized caddie who helps Francis find his way through the troublesome fairways to victory.

Length: 2:31
Spoilerish: 6
Release: September 20th, 2005 (Limited)
Analysis: From the people who brought you Remember the Titans comes…..Remember the Golfer. Well, something like that. This is one for the sports fans and those who like themselves a nice little drama. The actors here aren’t big names by any means (to the casual movie go-er, anyway) and this one looks like it’ll ride on talent alone to make or break it. The house of mouse is distributing this one, so expect it to get a huge marketing push come September. As a trailer, it feels just like Remember the Titans, and all the other movies exactly like this one. Seen one, seen ’em all, but hey, again, if you’re a fan, you’ll eat this stuff up.
Overall Rating: 5

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Starring: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Adam Brody, Vince Vaughn, Angela Bassett

The plot according to Yahoo: A married couple (Pitt and Jolie) are getting bored with their quiet domestic life. What they don’t know, however, is that they’re both assassins, secretly hopping the world and killing for hire. But their separate lives are about to collide when each finds out their next target is their own spouse

Length: 2:29
Spoilerish: 6.5
Release: June 10th, 2005
Analysis: Now, this is a marketable summer movie. Two huge stars, a somewhat unique plot, and cool stuff like guns, explosions, and hand to hand fighting. Throw in Vince Vaughn as a supporting character, and you’ve pretty much secured your profit by showing the trailer alone. This is a very, very cool looking movie. Some things are spoiled, yes, but nothing you wouldn’t expect to see given the plot. It runs a little long, but most people won’t notice it. The introduction is nice, and the flip-flop to the spy vs spy idea is fantastic. Expect this one to be a huge hit come June.
Overall Rating: 7.5


Starring: Ewan McGregor, Jim Broadbent, John Cleese, Tim Curry, Rupert Everett

The plot according to Yahoo: A comedy-adventure tale of a brave-but-undersized pigeon named Valiant (voiced by Ewan McGregor), who dreams of joining the elite Royal Homing Pigeon Service (RHPS), and serving crown and country during World War II. Despite his small stature, Valiant’s ambitions are enormous as he keeps a stiff upper beak and endures rigorous training in preparation for a dangerous mission to deliver vital messages to troops behind enemy lines. With a shortage of wingpower in the royal fleet due to increased attacks by a brigade of vicious enemy falcons (led by the ruthless General Von Talon), the mission falls to Valiant and the unlikely heroes of “Squad F” to try and save the day. With a wing and a prayer, Valiant and his fine feathered pals fly into harm’s way and prove that it’s not the size of the wingspan that counts, but the size of the spirit.

Length: 2:28
Spoilerish: 5.5
Release: August 18th, 2005
Analysis: Another kiddie trailer, and another animated film by Disney. Well, technically Disney, technically the guy who produced Shrek, who knows. This one has a great look to it, and really has everything the G audience loves. There are interesting characters, obvious villains, a catchy song, and fart jokes. What more do you need? Never mind the fact that Obi-wan is voicing one of the stars – that’s thinking far too complex for this one.
Overall Rating: 7 (It’s for the kids)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Robbie Coltrne, Ralph Fiennes, Michael Gambon, Brendan Gleeson, Jason Isaacs, Gary Oldman

The plot according to IMDB: Harry’s fourth year at Hogwarts is marked by the Triwizard Tournament, in which student representatives from three different wizarding schools compete in a series of increasingly challenging contests. The competitors are selected by the goblet of fire, which this year makes a very surprising announcement: Hogwarts will have two representatives in the tournament, including Harry Potter! As if things weren’t bad enough, marks of the evil wizard Voldemort begin appearing, signaling that he is finally ready to come back to the land of the living.

Length: Approx 1:18
Spoilerish: 4
Release: November 2005
Analysis: You didn’t think I’d forget, did you? As if I’d ever let a gem like this slip past the column. Oh, no sirs, instead, I just made you wait a bit. As anticipation builds, the payoff is even better in the end. And this is a hell of a trailer. The beginning is absolutely fantastic, as it takes the three stars and shows their evolutions from the first film to this, the fourth. It builds beautifully to shots of inside Hogwarts and the other schools arriving, while Dumbledore explains the Tri-Wizard cup. It then, beautifully again, intercuts with scenes from the tournament, including an awesome-looking dragon scene. This trailer gives hope for fans and non-fans alike that this fourth movie could be the best Harry Potter film yet.
Overall Rating: 8.5

Wedding Crashers

Starring: Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Rachel McAdams, Christopher Walken, Will Ferrell

The plot according to Yahoo: Vaughn and Wilson star as a pair of divorce mediators who spend their weekends crashing weddings in a search for Ms. Right…for a night. But when one of them falls for the engaged daughter (Rachel McAdams) of an influential and eccentric politician (Christopher Walken) at the social event of the year, they get roped into spending a weekend at the family’s palatial waterfront estate and quickly find themselves in over their heads.

Length: 2:32
Spoilerish: 7
Release: July 15th, 2005
Analysis: This is a bit of an enhanced trailer, with more footage than the first one. It’s a bit more on the spoiler side of things, but it’s still damn funny. Even if you have seen the first trailer, you’ll be laughing at this one too. This is going to be a funny, funny movie. My only complaint is the fact that the first trailer was perfect, and this one gives away a little too much. Not everything, but more than the first. It knocks the score down a little bit, but it’s still above average in the end.
Overall Rating: 6

Trailers for Films Opening This Very Weekend! (Weekend of May 12th, 2005)


Starring: Jet Li, Morgan Freeman, Bob Hoskins

The plot according to Yahoo: This is the story of Danny (Li), a slave who has lived his whole life without any sort of normal human education, with the mind and personality of a young child, with only one lesson learned: how to fight. Treated like a dog by his owner/boss, Bart (Hoskins) which includes having to wear a collar, Danny has been raised to be a lethal fighting machine who fights in illegal gladiator-style fight clubs, where he earns lots of money for Bart as the undisputed champion. After a car accident that lands Bart in a coma, however, Danny meets a kind elderly blind piano tuner (Freeman) on the run because he knows secrets some bad guys don’t want known, who uses music to teach Danny some things about the world and about being human…

Length: 1:02
Spoilerish: 6
Analysis: This is actually a shorter version of the original trailer, and this one works much better. It’s concise and crisp, showing the audience just what they need to see with this movie. It’s action packed with a nice little story and an excellent cast. Interestingly enough, even this version gives away a nice chunk of the film, so you can imagine what the first trailer showed (an extra minute and a half, for those of you who haven’t seen it). I’d check the film out based on this trailer, as I’m sure others will too, and it’s definitely something to keep an eye on. Thumbs up.
Overall Rating: 6.5

Kicking and Screaming

Starring: Will Ferrell, Robert Duvall, Kate Walsh, Mike Ditka, Musetta Vander

The plot according to Yahoo: Phil Weston (Will Ferrell) is an average Joe who’s had to put up all his life with his overly competitive father, Buck (Robert Duvall). When Phil decides to coach his 10-year-old son’s soccer team, he goes head-to-head for the league championship against Buck, who coaches his own young son on the preeminent team of the league. Old scores come into play as Phil and Buck find themselves going to extreme measures to win the championship trophy.

Length: 2:28
Spoilerish: 4
Analysis: I was very surprised at this trailer when I first saw it, but I’ve seen it so much now it’s just become stale to me. Anyway, it’s a Will Ferrell comedy, so people will either love it or hate it, as he doesn’t look like he’ll depart from form much here. Honestly, it was pretty tame. Sure, some things will make you chuckle, but overall it’s so-so. It gets some extra points for not going the usual comedy route and ruining at least half of the jokes in the movie. Oh, and Ditka rules.
Overall Rating: 6.5


Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Jane Fonda, Michael Vartan, Wanda Sykes, Monet Mazur

The plot according to Yahoo: Unlucky in love, beautiful Charlotte ‘Charlie’ Cantilini (Jennifer Lopez) has finally met the man of her dreams, Dr. Kevin Fields (Michael Vartan). There’s just one problem – his mother. Overbearing and controlling, not to mention volatile, Viola Fields (Jane Fonda) has recently been canned from her job as a star news anchor. Fearing she will lose her son’s affections as she has her career, Viola decides to break up the happy couple by becoming the world’s worst mother-in-law. Helping her with her crazy schemes is Viola’s long-time assistant, Ruby (Wanda Sykes). The gloves come off when Charlie finally decides to fight back and it looks like Viola has finally met her match.

Length: 2:32
Spoilerish: 8
Analysis: From one of my first trailer reviews ever: So J-Lo begins her attempt at a come back with this film. The trailer shows that she’s chosen the only type of film she’s strong in (Not that she’s overly strong anyway) but the concept is tired and cliche. When I watched, I was reminded of an Everybody Loves Raymond episode, and I don’t even watch that show. Showing seemingly all the vital parts of the film, the trailer is a dud, much like the movie will be. Sorry, did my anti-J-Lo feelings take over here?
Overall Rating: 3.5 (I definitely rated it too high last time, too)

The Number One Movie in America!

Every week, I’ll take the number one movie in America and put its trailer here, just in case anyone hasn’t seen it yet (or you just loves the trailer).

Kingdom of Heaven.

Starring: Orlando Bloom, Eva Green, Liam Neeson, Brendan Gleeson, Jeremy Irons

The plot according to Yahoo : KINGDOM OF HEAVEN is an epic adventure about a common man who finds himself thrust into a decades-long war. A stranger in a strange land, he serves a doomed king, falls in love with an exotic and forbidden queen, and rises to knighthood. Ultimately, he must protect the people of Jerusalem from overwhelming forces while striving to keep a fragile peace.

Length: 4:47
Spoilerish: 8
Analysis: Holy hell. You want to talk about epic – I don’t know if the film will come off that way (Apparently, it does so, and quite nicely) but this trailer is HUGE. Almost five minutes long, you’ve basically got the entire movie in this trailer. I mean, I thought the original length trailer was spoilerish enough, but this thing is just nuts. The movie looks like it has the potential to really wow people if they do it right (it did), though the casting seems less than inspired on some counts (it was). As a trailer it’s just….wow. I’m sure it leaves a nice chunk of the film unspoiled (at two and a half hours, it better) but it’s just such a turn off for so many reasons. Thumbs down for the extended edition – stick with the regular one in the end.
Overall Rating: 3.5

Wrapping it Up

So, that’ll do it for another week. DVDs get cut again due to time, but in two weeks this should all be back to normal. I know, I’ve said that every week for like a month now, but it’s beginning to wind down. Only a little bit longer now….

Until next time…..