The Apprentice…MLB
Okay so this week we are starting a new feature that we’ll run every week. Since IP has many former contestants on “The Apprentice” on staff, we’ll do our own version of the show right here in this very column. Each week, 3 MLB managers will be called into the boardroom due to the poor performance of their team for that week or over the course of the season. They will each get to plead their case, but each week, somebody WILL be fired.
Before we get started, lets bid adieu to Tony Pena, who resigned as manager of the Royals this week. Tony led the Royals to a surprise 83-79 season in 2003. This performance set the franchise back ten years. They now are headed toward an almost certain second straight 100 loss season. Buh bye Tony.
So as we enter the board room, let’s say hello to the man, the myth, the legend, Mr. Donald Trump.
“Okay Robin, send them in.”
Clint Hurdle
Dave Miley
Eric Wedge
“Wow, what a disaster this season has been for the three of you. You are all project managers and each one of your teams is terrible. What do you have to say for yourself?”
“I just want to say in my defense, that management is rebuilding. They are always rebuilding. This franchise can never win in Coors Field. Nobody wants to pitch here. I have the worst job in baseball.”
“I don’t want to hear excuses, you are off to an 8-22 start. That’s terrible. You’re on thin ice.”
“Dave what about you? You can’t blame your management, they have given you a pretty good group of guys I think, what’s your excuse?”
“Me? What about Eric? Everyone was falling all over themselves before the season to heap praise on his team. He’s got 20 all stars on his roster for crying out loud, and they’re already 10 games out!”
“He’s right Eric.”
“But look at my moustache”
“I hate your moustache. You look like you should be managing a gay steel mill, not a baseball team. The fact is, Eric, you are young and inexperienced, and your team doesn’t respect you. You’ve got all kinds of talent to work with but instead of winning games they are more concerned with braiding each others hair and tilting their brims, trying to look like Bone Thugs n Harmony out on the field or something, and coming up with goofy handshakes to give each other in the dugout. This team was supposed to be in the playoffs this year, period.”
“……”
“Eric, you’re fired.”
“Thank you sir, may I have another.”
Wow, what a boardroom that was. Tune in next week to see who will be next to go on “The Apprentice: MLB”! What will happen that will make Trump say:
“Sweet Sassy Molassy!!!!”?
NFL Genuine Draught- NFC South
The NFC South is perhaps the most balanced in the league. Last year the Falcons rode a strong defense and a great running game to a division title, despite having a quarterback, Ron Mexico, for whom throwing for over 200 yards in a game is an unclimbable mountain. The Panthers and Saints shook off bad starts to just miss making the playoffs, while the Bucs are in the midst of remaking the franchise to Chucky’s specifications, albeit with questionable success. So how did these 4 squadrons attack the draft? Read on!
Atlanta Falcons
DAY 1
1st Round, 27th Pick- Roddy White, WR, UAB
White is a unique wide receiver in that his primary asset is his physical strength. He was a high school wrestling champion and translates that ability to the football field with his ability to physically separate himself from DB’s and get open. White had the same 40 time as Braylon Edwards, a wideout who the Browns took with the third overall pick. He is also a very strong blocker which is important on a run-oriented team like the Falcons.
2nd Round, 59th Pick- Jonathan Babineaux, DT, Iowa
The Falcons filled a need at defensive tackle in the second round by drafting Babineaux. He saw his stock rise prior to the draft with a good combine workout that showcased his speed. He is seen as somebody who can slip past the interior lineman to create plays in the opposing backfield. At a “mere” 286 pounds he is a shade light for a defensive tackle, but that could also be a plus as he has the versatility to also play end.
3rd Round, 90th Pick- Jordan Beck, ILB, Cal Poly
Beck followed up a season where he earned the NCAA I-AA Player of the Year honors to run a 4.45 40 at the combine and vault himself into the third round. The Falcons look at him and see one thing, Brian Urlacher. He had a great deal of success at the second tier collegiate level, and has the speed to succeed in the NFL as well.
And the rest…
DE Chauncey Davis (4th round, Florida St.) is a solid player with decent quickness. OLB Michael Boley (5th Round, Southern Miss) brings excellent size and athleticism and was projected to be a first day pick by some. OT Frank Omiyale (5th round, Tennessee Tech) brings a good attitude and sound technique. DT Darrell Shropshire (7th round, South Carolina) is another quick defensive tackle in the same mold as Babineaux.
New Orleans Saints
DAY 1
1st Round, 13th Pick- Jammal Brown, OT, Oklahoma
The Saints traded up from the 16th spot to take Brown. This franchise loves road grading linemen to facilitate the power running game, and Brown fits right into that mold. He was seen by many as the best offensive tackle available in the draft, and certainly the best run blocker. He is also no slouch against the pass rush either. He has had an injury history.
2nd Round, 40th Pick- Josh Bullocks, FS, Nebraska
Bullocks is an underclassman who can cover a lot of ground in the secondary. The Saints pass defense was atrocious last year, and this pick was meant to address that. Bullocks holds the Big 12’s single season interception record, which he set in 2003. His play fell off a little bit last seasons, but the Saints are in desperate need of secondary help.
3rd Round, 82nd Pick- Alfred Fincher, ILB, Connecticut
Fincher plays hard on every down. The Saints project him as somebody who can learn the NFL ropes by playing on special teams. After gaining experience, his hustle can translate into a more prominent role on the defense.
And the rest…
QB Adrian McPherson (5th round, Florida St.) was perhaps the highest profile second day pick in the draft. He is a phenomenal athlete with character issues, and who didn’t see much of the field at FSU. Of course, Brad Johnson was a Seminole QB that hardly ever saw the field in Tallahasee, and he won a Super Bowl. Saints incumbent QB Aaron Brooks will be on a short leash this year. WR Chase Lyman (4th round, Cal) benefited from playing with Aaron Rogers at Cal and at 6-3 has good size. DT Jason Jefferson (6th round, Wisconsin) is a hard working run stopper). DT Jimmy Verdon (7th round, Arizona St.) has decent speed for a lineman and can penetrate.
Carolina Panthers
DAY 1
1st round, 14th pick- Thomas Davis, FS, Georgia
Davis was a safety in college, but most likely the Panthers drafted him to be an outside linebacker. He is a big hitter and a very good run stopper, and has good speed on top of all that. The move to linebacker will probably be beneficial to him, as pass coverage was a weakness of his in college. This was an interesting pick for the Panthers, who thought outside the box on this one. The easy pick would have been to go with LB Derrick Johnson of Texas, but the Panthers feel Davis has potential to be a better linebacker than Johnson.
2nd round, 54th pick- Eric Shelton, RB, Louisville
At 6-2, 245, Shelton is a load that will bring a power dimension to the Panthers running game. Last year RBs Stephen Davis and DeShaun Foster both broke down, leaving the Panthers to turn to 3rd string back Nick Goings for their playoff run. Shelton should help alleviate their durability issues at running back, as he will provide a battering ram to soften up defenses for the finesse games of the other backs.
3rd round, 79th pick- Evan Mathis, G, Alabama
Mathis saw his stock rise by playing well in post-season all star games. He has the versatility to play either guard or tackle, which is a big plus. He has been known to be lacking in pass protection though, as he is sometimes easily knocked off balance. Some analysts have called him a steal. Others think he went right about where he should have.
3rd round, 89th pick- Atiyyah Ellison, DT, Missouri
Ellison is a mountain of a man at 6-4, 305. He has good athleticism and has the body to take on NFL interior offensive linemen. He should be stout against the run and played well in college earning all-Big 12 honors.
And the Rest..
QB Stefan LaFors (4th round, Louisville) led one of the best college football teams in the country last year. He is an accurate passer but at 6-0 lacks size and arm strength despite having excellent mobility. ILB Adam Seward (5th round, UNLV) is a combine all-pro, whether he can translate that on the field is another matter. C Geoff Hangartner (5th round, Texas A&M) relies on athleticism but is not a great straight ahead run blocker. He may stick as a long snapper. FS Ben Emanuel (5th round UCLA) plays smart. DE Jovan Haye (6th round, Vanderbilt) is an underclassman speed rusher who hasn’t gotten it done in games.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
DAY 1
1st round, 5th pick- Carnell Williams, RB, Auburn
The man known as “Cadillac” was the second Auburn RB taken in the first five picks. He was the starter at Auburn over the second pick in the draft, Ronnie Brown. The Bucs haven’t had a stud running back since, well, never, and hope Williams can be it. Williams has all the markings of a great running back, but the only concern is his size. He is listed at 5-11, 217, and that may not be big enough to hold up for a full season as an NFL feature back. Look for him to be more like John Gruden’s Tampa version of Charlie Garner.
2nd round, 36th pick- Barrett Ruud, ILB, Nebraska
Ruud played inside in college, but in the NFL will probably be an outside linebacker. He plays hard but his game is centered on chasing and pursuit, not on shedding blocks. He can succeed in a two gap defense (one where the defensive tackles main objective is to tie up the offensive linemen and keep them away from the linebackers).
3rd round, 71st pick- Alex Smith, TE, Stanford
This is the OTHER Alex Smith drafted this year. Smith is a tight end in the Jeremy Shockey mold, not a great blocker but somebody who can pressure the opposing defense by getting open deep. He has the speed to get open and the hands to pull the ball in.
3rd round, 91st pick- Chris Colmer, OT, NC State
Colmer is a player who has the ability to be a starter in the NFL, but injury concerns caused him to slip down to the third round. He was a 6th year senior at NC State last year, but did start every game last year. If he can stay healthy he has both the physical and mental skills to be an effective offensive lineman.
And the rest..
The Bucs had a plethora of late round picks this year. G Dan Buenning (4th round, Wisconsin) is a heady ballplayer despite being unremarkable in the measurables department. Safety Donte Nicholson (5th round, Oklahoma) is a big hitter but gets burned deep on occasion. WR Larry Brackins (5th round, Pearl River Community College) is athletic but green as the day is long. DT Anthony Bryant (6th round, Alabama) has very good speed for a man who weighs in at 332. WR’s Parris Warren (7th round, Utah) and JR Russell (7th round, Louisville) will compete against one another for a roster spot. Safety Hamzah Abdullah (7th round, Washington St.) has an intriguing combination of size at 6-2 and 4.45 speed.
NBA Playoff Peep Show
We are down to the Excellent Eight in the NBA. So far it looks as if the quarterfinals will give us two blowout series, (Miami/Washington; San Antonio/Seattle), and two really good ones (Dallas/Phoenix; Indiana/Detroit). Let’s assess each series through the ancient Japanese art of haiku:
Miami v. Washington
Not a contest here
Wizzle defeated my Bulls
So the hell with them
Detroit vs. Indiana
This series means that
Every night I have to watch
Artest interviews
Phoenix vs. Dallas
Dallas surprised me
By even getting this far
Irk a Dirk a doo
San Antonio vs. Seattle
Teach me ebonics
I’m feeling supersonic
Spurs will win with ease
20s Survival Guide By a 30 Year Old Man
Tomorrow I turn 30. Personally, I really don’t know what to think about that yet. Part of me is glad my twenties are over, while another part is apprehensive about taking such a significant step towards the inevitable swirling abyss we call death.
Regardless of my feelings, I did learn a few things during my 20s. Since this is a website that focuses on things such as pro wrestling and video games, I am guessing that most of the people reading this (if there is in fact anyone reading it, judging by the amount of feedback I receive that is not a slam dunk) are in or will soon be in their 20s. So let me share with you the three most important things I have learned in the past ten years.
1. Do not, under any circumstances, take a job that requires you to sit in a cubicle all day. I don’t care if it pays twice as much as the next best alternative, do NOT do it. Once you do, you have no idea how hard it is to get out. Next thing you know, five years have gone by and you’ve spent them staring at a computer for 8 to 9 hours a day, gradually having your very soul sucked out of your body. Prisoners have it better than wage slaves toiling on the cube farm. Honest to God. At least they get to read, get physical activity, and have some interest taken in their personal development. Bear in mind that I say these things and I actually LIKE my current job compared to others I have worked. If you are in college and you are a business major, change your major, today.
2. If you are a guy, do NOT get married while in your 20s. Even if you think you are ready and are coo coo for Cocoa Puffs over your sweetheart, don’t do it. You have your whole life to be married. Your 20s should be spent establishing who you are and what you do. Focus on building a career instead. Marriage and family and all those things are a hell of a lot easier if you have money. So get yourself right with that first, then start your family. Your kids will be a lot happier people for it.
3. Finally, never ever ever use a credit card for anything. If you can’t pay for something that is not housing or transportation in cash, then you can’t afford it. Compound interest can either be your best friend or your worst enemy and trust me, you don’t want it to be your enemy.
That’s pretty much it. I’ve got nothing else. We’ll see what the next ten years will reveal.
Pimps Up Hos Down
Wow its been vewy vewy quiet this week. I have but one thing to offer you, and that is Patrick Nguyen, who shares with us tales of when he was high on Chris Mihm. Through much soul searching, a good network of friends and family, and a 12 step program, he was able to rid himself of that terrible affliction. Me, I get high on paint thinner. Okee dokee.
