The Weekly Music Pulse: The Saturday Swindle Sheet #92

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by the new Nine Inch Nails album, With Teeth, which is now available in stores. If you buy it, Jeremy Botter will disappear for another five weeks, only to resurface as a newly converted Mennonite minister. So you should buy it, if anything, so that Jeremy Botter can achieve complete spiritual transcendence by joining a communistic religious movement. You owe it to him. We all do.

saw this and thought of you…
See attachment.

My friend Shane, in an e-mail, 5/6/05

I’m still not sure what to make of that…

I really honestly did try to put a column together last week, except I had too much shit going on Friday night and when I finally got a chance to sit down and get some work done on Saturday, I just wasn’t feeling like my normal self. I can’t really explain it. I just didn’t have the usual mindset to produce something of the usual quality. Here’s an example of something I wrote for last week’s column-that-wasn’t…

Audioslave became the very first American band to hold an outdoor concert in Cuba, as they performed in Havana on Friday after being granted permission by both the U.S. Treasury Department and Cuba’s Instituto Cubano de la Musica. The concert, which attracted close to 3,000 fans, took place at the Jose Marti Anti-imperialist Tribunal, which has long been the site of several government-sponsored anti-U.S. demonstrations. Something that reminds me of Cuba is those illegal cigars. Have you ever had one? Me neither! I just ate a cheeseburger for lunch yesterday!

Yeah, I know. Think that’s bad? Check out this one…

After two Texas senators objected to a bill that would name a stretch of Highway 130 after Willie Nelson, the singer decided that it wasn’t worth the bother arguing for it, and has since said that he did “not feel that the naming of a toll road in his honor comports with his world view on either a personal or an artistic level.” You know what? I just came to the realization that Limp Bizkit isn’t that bad. Actually, THEY RAWK!!! I can’t wait to see what Fred Durst’s side project is going to be like! Metallica’s album, Re-Load was really awesome, too! Lil Jon doesn’t suck!

Finally, after typing the following item, I decided that it would be better to take a week off…

B.B. King was named as “entertainer of the year” at the 26th annual W.C. Handy Awards in Memphis on Thursday night. The blues-based awards ceremony also saw Mavis Staples and Charlie Musselwhite each takin hom threee awords. Wha happening? me cant spel all of a suddin! I feel rediculous! me brayn definately herts!

DRAMATIS PERSONAE (BETWIXT OR BETWEEN EDITION)

The other day I was bored at work, so I decided to write and produce a Broadway musical called Betwixt or Between. It’s about a young man in 1970s Chicago who can’t decide whether he wants to go to art college or move to San Francisco with the intent to set up the very first White Castle restaurant in the West. It will include several whimsical characters, and extravagant dance numbers choreographed by uh… I don’t know… Toby Bonagura.

That_Bootleg_Guy stars as Antonio Mendez, a liberal-minded fan of Supertramp and Pink Floyd, who decides that his life is going nowhere as a 27-year-old assistant manager at White Castle, so he looks into following his true dream and enrolling in art school. However, after a disheveled art school grad tells him that perhaps he should look into bringing the wondrous wonders of White Castle to the West Coast, he considers packing everything up into his Volkswagen and taking a cross country road trip.

Shawn M. Smith plays Antonio’s cold-hearted supervisor at White Castle, Mr. Erickson, who tells him that he’ll never amount to anything so long as he continues to smoke the “wacky tobacky” and listen to that “hippie music.” He also says that art school is a waste of time and that the West Coast will never be ready for White Castle outside of the frozen food section. One of the show’s biggest dance numbers revolves around his death after he has a severe heart attack and falls into the deep fryer. It represents Antonio’s liberation from the shackles of the conservative business world.

D’Estroyer plays George Krusinski, a homeless, grizzled World War II veteran/art school graduate who drinks copious amounts of Canadian Mist and throws the bottles out into traffic. He meets Antonio when he comes in for a cup of coffee and realizes that he’s 4 cents short. After Antonio gives him the money out of his pocket, the two share a musical number entitled, “4 Cents 4 Vets”, after which time they engage in a heated dialogue in which George tells Antonio that art school is waste of time and he should concentrate on spreading the White Castle gospel to the West Coast. In the last scene, we find out that George is actually Antonio’s father.

Kyle David Paul plays Antonio’s brother, Jose Guadalupe Mendez, who works as an assistant manager at rival Jack in the Box. He has a monologue and solo musical number called, “Jack in the Box Rules, White Castle Drools,” in which he loses an arm when an errant bus skids off of the road and clips him. The treachery of this incident is paralleled a day later, when we find out that Jack in the Box has decided to close all of its Chicagoland area restaurants. Jose then descends into a downward spiral of hardcore street drugs, alcohol, and prostitutes, before deciding to have a sex change operation and moving to Miami to be a stripper. Kyle also shows up again later as an extra at the Blue Island Vermont Street train station, wearing a fake beard.

Gloomchen plays Jefferson Airplane singer Grace Slick, to whom Antonio has been sending fan mail to for the past few months, explaining the benefits of having a White Castle on the West Coast, especially with all the hippies and their hardcore munchies. After we assume that she finds simply Antonio to be crazed, idiotic fan, and will not respond, she actually throws everyone for a loop shows up at the end of the play to sign a contract that makes her and Antonio business partners in giving the West Coast its very first White Castle restaurant. At the end of the play, the two share a duet of “Somebody to Love,” before Antonio is inexplicably crushed to death by an anvil, which also tears up the contract, ergo, the West Coast will never have White Castle.

NEWS TO USE

A judge in Springfield, Massachusetts, told 50 Cent on Friday that if he can manage to stay drug-free and not commit any crimes for two years that he would not have to serve jail time for three counts of assault and battery. The rapper admitted that the account of him trampling two women and punching a third in the face during a concert last year was accurate. Other conditions of the deal include 50 Cent having to submit random drug tests, receiving anger management counseling, paying the three defendants’ medical bills, and producing and anti-violence public service announcement. He will also not be able to carry a gun in Massachusetts, and will not be able to eat, sleep, breathe, or look like anything.

The Rolling Stones played a three-song set on Tuesday for a group of music students and fans in the conservatory at Manhattan’s Juilliard School, and followed up the performance by announcing that they would be launching a new tour and album later in the year. While the album is “about 85 percent done” the tour is slated to kick off on August 21, at Boston’s Fenway Park, and will continue on through North America (other confirmed dates include Washington, Atlanta, Miami, and Calgary) into December. Tickets, which go on sale this Saturday, are expected to sell for around $100 each. The band’s last tour, which wrapped up in early 2003, grossed $88 million in North America. When asked what he thought the upcoming tour would rake in monetarily, Keith Richards told a reporter, “You can have the money,” denying that money was a considerable factor in the band’s return. Incidentally, it just so happens that that reporter was a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet. The employee, who shall remained unnamed, handed in his resignation on Wednesday morning, telling or editor-in-chief, “I quit. You suck. Go eat shit and die, asshole.” In an unrelated story, former Saturday Swindle Sheet contributor Elliot Smilowitz has reportedly bought a $17 million home in Malibu, and has also bought a brand new Saleen S7, along with the entire contents of Michelle Branch’s underwear drawer.


Elliot Smilowitz just bought this car, the Saleen S7, which usually sells for around $560,000. However, instead of getting it in white, as shown, he got it in EMO.

Legendary 1960s blues-rock band Cream reunited temporarily for four shows over the past week at London’s Royal Albert Hall. Guitarist Eric Clapton told fans, “Thanks for waiting all those years! … We’ll play everything we know … we’ll play as long as we can.” They opened with the hit “I’m So Glad,” and also played hits such as “Strange Brew” and “Sunshine of Your Love.” While the short-lived band had broken up in 1968, they previously appeared together once in 1993… at the Burger King at Piccadilly Circus. Eric Clapton had ordered a cheeseburger, and Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker were working there.

Quick Bits

Weeks after Green Lantern resigned as DJ for the Anger Management Tour, amid accusations of cavorting with Jadakiss on the new 50 Cent dis track, Eminem has selected DJ/producer The Alchemist as his replacement. Hopefully, this union means that new Eminem material will have better beats.

Bernard Sumner of New Order performed with the band at the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival on Sunday, despite suffering from a torn ligament in his leg.

In the obligatory Coachella blurb, Coldplay and Nine Inch Nails respectively headlined last Saturday and Sunday in festival’s fifth annual incarnation. The festival also included performances by Weezer, the aforementioned New Order, Wilco, The Prodigy, Bright Eyes, Roni Size, The Faint, and rare appearances by Bauhaus, Gang of Four, and Black Star.

Rapper Twista’s new album is expected to be released sometime in September, although the flagship single for the album, “Girl Tonight,” will hit radio stations and strip clubs sometime in July.

The city of Hibbing, Minnesota, where Bob Dylan attended high school, has named a street after the singer.

The new Backstreet Boys album, which is scheduled for a June 14 street date, will include production by Five for Fighting singer John Ondrasik. In an effort to even further increase the crap factor, Lil Jon was contacted to appear in the video as a street-wise, “crunk” mime.

Record mogul Clive Davis will make a guest appearance as a judge on next Tuesday’s American Idol broadcast. Expect nothing exciting to happen, unless you like the show, in which case it will be EXCITING!

The city council of Oak Hill, West Virginia, has plans to place a commemorative statue at the former site of the gas station where Hank Williams died in 1953, of a drug overdose.

Eminem will auction off 30 gold-painted bricks from the Detroit Artillery Armory, which was recently razed, on 8 Mile Road. The bricks, which are also signed by the rapper, will help raise money for Eminem’s Marshall Mathers Foundation, as well as the 8 Mile Road restoration fund.

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

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iNFLUENCES

Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…

The Chemical Brothers, “Setting Sun” [f/Noel Gallagher]
Weezer, “Say It Ain’t So”
Pierrepoint, “Paradox Effect”
The High & Mighty, “Sun, Moon & Stars”
The Brian Setzer Orchestra, “Let’s Live It Up”
EPMD. “I’m Housin'”
Les Nubians, “Tabou”
Wilson Pickett, “In the Midnight Hour”
Adam and the Ants, “Goody Two Shoes”
Jamiroquai, “Love Foolosophy”
Leftfield, “El Cid”
Boston, “More Than a Feeling”
Daft Punk, “Digital Love”
Underworld, “Push Upstairs”
Felix Da Housecat, “Happy Hour”
Rolling Stones, “Paint It, Black”
El Chicano, “Viva Tirado”
Fleetwood Mac, “You Make Loving Fun”
The Orb, “Little Fluffy Clouds”
Korn, “Wicked”
KMFDM, “Juke Joint Jezebel” (Giorgio Moroder Poly-Matrix Mx)
Lee “Scratch” Perry & the Upsetters, “Crab Yars”
Sunshine Anderson, “Heard It All Before” (Ben Watt Mx)
Warren Zevon, “Werewolves of London”
Thievery Corporation, “Indra”
The Rascals, “Good Lovin'”

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

Last week Starbucks announced that they have reversed their decision to sell Bruce Springsteen’s newest album, Devils & Dust, on account of a song that appears on the album that company officials are considering to be too graphic to be associated with their company. The coffee retailer, who started selling major music releases in the past few years, released a statement saying that the song “Reno” was way too explicit, as it contains lyrics describing an encounter with a prostitute, and how much she charges for anal sex. It would be safe to say that company’s main concern lies in the fact that once men realize that f*cking a whore in the ass would be slightly cheaper than an average coffee at Starbucks, they might decide not to buy Starbucks coffee anymore.

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I put the filling in the pie in the sky.

Cheers
-JF2k5!