The Midnight News 05.16.05

No emails… nope, nothing…

I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. Over the last two weeks I got laid, went to New York, and went to somewhere in Iowa… those in the know can put the pieces together here and come up with a fairly decent idea of how my last 2 weeks went….

Other news… for the time being, my new e-mail address is an old one that some of you might remember… Glorydogfu@yahoo.com… the one I usually use is screwed up and it might take a while to fix… so there you go…

And off we go here…

I HAVE NO HARD-ON FOR JUSTICE

TNA served up a brand of HARD JUSTICE ONLY on PPV last night… but the REAL story is how Dusty Rhodes was asked to hand over the book to a “committee” because A: He didn’t improve squat, B: Jeff Jarrett didn’t like how vocal Dusty was of getting the title off him and went behind his back to the Carters and, C: This dopey promotion isn’t going to last.

So what happened on the PPV? Like I know, I watched Survivor.

Who CARES? Jeeze… the promotion is doing everything it can to get a TV deal and run a show against Raw… without any hook that even remotely looks like it could steal viewers like the NWO did at first.

Put it to you this way, I’ll cut off my own penis and auction it on Ebay if they get a TV deal Jeff Jarrett can take one rating point away from Raw… just one.

The only audience this company will lure is all the creditors who’ll be on their ass hard before long.

CANDID(O) OBSERVATIONS

Boy, who would’a thought that Chris Candido had such an impact on the wrestling world… you can’t find anyone to say a single bad word about him… (well, scroll down some)

I never paid enough attention to the guy to say much…. like the rest of you, my attention was usually focused harder on Candido’s other half… Tammy Sytch…

Tammy once was a contributer to this column for a long, long few months… then I came to find out that I was being worked… BY A DUDE… a dude who couldn’t parlay his notoriety into anything, I might add… but that makes me almost FAMILY here!!

Well, not really… but it does give me the guts to ask the one question no one has asked yet:

So… when will Tammy become available? And does anyone have her cell number? It would be cool to be a male rat to a (former) WWFE Diva… this might be my best chance.

Okay, we SHOULD let her have her mourning period… and allow her to relapse have a few minor nervous breakdowns (according to Frank Goodman, the walking textbook DEFINITION of The Honest Indy Promoter)… and give her time to decide to move forward… THEN someone shoot me her phone number… I’m Hyatte, I SPECIALIZE in headcases.

RIP Candido. How you died while Keith Richards still walks the planet is beyond me.

ROB FEINSTEIN BOOKS THE CARD OF LIFE

Wrestling’s most famous pederast, Rob Feinstein, posted some advice to ALL up and cumm… heh… COMING wrestlers out there… maybe even YOU!

The one thing I hate is going to a Indy show and seeing guys in the ring wearing jeans. What seperates you from the fans in the crowd? Invest in legit gear so you look better or your just some other guy that is no better than a fan in the crowd. You need to stand above the fans because they pay to see you and you need to be above them.

Ahhh, wisdom. But if you crawl through Rob’s top secret livejournal, you would see that he has LOTS of advice for young… able-bodied… well-gifted… MALE, oh lord they have to be MALE wrestlers just starting out… here are a few choice nuggets (HAW), from Hot Rob:

Need quick body oil? Bacon grease has all SORTS of benefits before and AFTER the show!

Don’t forget to incorporate tongue push-ups in your work-out routine! Remember: A strong tongue is a pushed tongue!

TIGHTER OUTFITS, DAMMIT!!

Stay away from the ring rats. I mean, have you actually looked AT a vagina? Icky poo POO…. hmmmm, poo… slurp

Spend a day at some elementary school during recess and watch the kids frolic about… note how limber and carefree they are. Take some telescopic photos of them and send them to me.

No fisting while your hands are still taped… it’s called chaffing… HELLOOOOOOO…ever hear of it?

Nair + Ass = One Happy Worker

Never work for Gabe… he’s a humorlous lout

If you want to get into the WWE, better get on Pat Patterson’s “good side”, if you know what I mean… heh heh heh heh.

For you Conservative hetero wimps out there… remember, you are not sucking a promoter’s ween… you are advancing your career!

Sure, some of these promoters are fat and old… but I’ve never seen a clit that’s as gosh darn cute as the saggiest, wrinkliest pair of balls.

No blading of the rectum, not even as a rib.

Do NOT try the old “cup of warm yogurt across the back to fake an orgasm” trick to finish early. EVERY promoter on Earth knows that scam

Finally, even if they have you on tape running away from a young boy’s home like the Devil Himself was chasing you: DENY, DENY, DENY

Rob Feinstein, even in exile he still loves helping the kids!

THE BRAND SPLIT IS BETTER FOR YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of all these IDIOTS claiming that the Brand Extension should be discontinued and re-combined. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good reason why the Brand Extension is THE BEST THING THE WWE HAS DONE IN YEARS (other than hire Stratus), and why useless sheet writers like Wade “Catering to the 50 people who post on my VIP boards” Keller and worthless net writers like Dave “My third chin can out-bench you” Scherer have shown their TRUE “intelligence” by holding onto this cheap, rushed, complaining for the sake of complaining ideal.

Pay attention and you’ll understand why you dumb f*cking sheep are listening to morons.

The Brand Split Is Better For You Because…

Ahem… are you REALLY excited to see Michelle McCool get a woman’s title run?

THIS HAS BEEN “THE BRAND SPLIT IS BETTER FOR YOU” STARRING RAW AND SMACKDOWN! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*Silly putty was “discovered” as the residue left behind after the first latex condoms were produced. It’s not widely publicized for obvious reasons.*

And just like that, you’re smarter than you were three seconds ago

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

Heh heh heh…. YOU PLAYED WITH PROCESSED SEMEN AS A CHILD!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…

Chris Candido?

My thoughts on Candido? Tough shit. There is only one person that I admire in the wrestling business – Mick Foley. Through thick and thin, he has been my favorite since about 1990. Later on I learned that his non-comeuppance wasn’t due to lack of talent, but lack of other people not realizing said talent. Foley could have drowned his sorrows in a bottle full of pills – and given the punishment he took, that would have been an easy way out. Nope…he did it his way, stayed the course and succeeded. Candido was a f*ck up…just because he “got his shit together” over the last few months does not change my mind about him… Do you realize he was one relapse way from being the laughing stock of the IWC? His dying while on the rebound only makes him a hero…kinda the same way the Morrison and Cobain are “genius” and remembered fondly – Candido croaking at the right time makes him “loved”. No question about his “ability” and “potential” – the guy was great. But, he spent 10 years as a junkie, denying the business of that talent. The cute catchphrase for assholes is “conquered demons”…if you are an addict, that never happens. Ever. There is no such thing as a recovered alcoholic / drug addict, except in the minds of the feeble that use such terms to justify that kind of behavior. Once and addict, always an addict – with once again being too many times and 100 times never being enough.

That is why the first step to recovery is to “admit”. Hey, it’s FLEA…and I’m an alcoholic. I’ve never shied away from that fact…for over 10 years now that has been the truth. And I don’t care. It’s never been a burden, and has never been something that’s stood in the way of where I’m going or what I have done, it’s just a fact and something I would be stupid to deny. Hell, I went past the point of wondering why or what or who many years ago…I have all the reason in the world to live and see no reason why I won’t, for however long I choose. “Functioning” is a stupid word, and one that is very tough to type…besides, no one seems to complain when I flambé the eggs with champagne and drink the rest of the bottle when it’s breakfast time – as long as I’m responsible enough to drive the water-ski boat fast enough for the fat neighbor to wipe out fashionably enough to rate a 2 from the judges and a High Five from the spectators

Wasted Talent is something I cannot tolerate. To be good, or the best at something is a gift; and something that seems to be flushed down the toilet on a regular basis. Foley never did that – he kept trying and eventually succeeded, in spades. People like Jake Roberts and Chris Candido could never come to grips with it…the only bright side to al this is that Candido showed that idiot Matt Hardy what true martyrdom is all about – Hardy is about 1/ 10th as talented as Candido on his best day – and he has the audacity to cry the blues over love lost?

Hardy’s just a Dumb Hick – and has nothing on true talent. I’d shed a tear for Candido before I would ever give Hardy a second thought. And in the end, both got what they wanted…and got what they deserved. CandiDEAD

Whoa…. hardcore.

He’s lying about not tolerating wasted talent… if that was REALLY true, he would’a dropped me like a bad check YEARS ago.

Flea, who has updated his dead pool

28 YEARS LATER….

In a few days, the last chapter of a tale that more or less CHANGED THE FOUNDATION OF MOVIE MAKING AND SCIENCE FICTION will be told… the last chapter of an epic that myself and countless others have grown up on since damn near birth. After next week, there will be no more Star Wars chapters to look forward to… it’s truly, the end of the greatest serialized cinematic experience that will ever be in our time (yeah, that LOR trilogy can suck my nuts).

And, if you’re like me, this notions brings a certain… depression. If Star Wars can finally end… so can our youth… so can our innocence… so can… us.

Unfortunately, there ARE a few people out there who will crap all over this historic occasion…

Hyatte1com: You know what’s sad?
TrishPhonyWhoIs FoolingEVERYONE: What’s that?
Hyatte1com: that in 9 days, we, as a generation, won’t have any more Star Wars movies to look forward to

Hyatte1com: pretty much defined a culture… and now the last story will be told
TrishPhonyWhoIs FoolingEVERYONE: Star wars is shit
Hyatte1com: DEFINED A CULTURE

Hyatte1com: and pretty much told the movie industry how to do special effects
TrishPhonyWhoIs FoolingEVERYONE: Defined a bunch of geeks

Hyatte1com: sweetie, you WILL dress up as Princess leia for me at least one time and you will enjoy doing it
TrishPhonyWhoIs FoolingEVERYONE: No I will not!!
Hyatte1com: maybe dress up as Darth Maul?
TrishPhonyWhoIs FoolingEVERYONE: whos that
Hyatte1com: come on, you can play with my Yoda
TrishPhonyWhoIs FoolingEVERYONE: what?

Hyatte1com: So I guess dressing up as Chewbacca and doing your ass wookie style is out of the question?
TrishPhonyWhoIs FoolingEVERYONE: lol

Ugh… if she wasn’t so hot and so gifted at impersonating someone famous so thoroughly…. I would’ve blocked her right there.

(it ain’t her, morons…)

ANYWAY…. to celebrate the ending of a goddam ERA… I thought I’d take a look at some of the PLAYERS who made this story come alive…

Harrison Ford: Rumored to be a skirt-chasing slut into stripper clubs; wife dumped him when she found out that the rumors were true. Big hemp smoker. Also rumored to be into leather and S&M, as well as being a homophobe. (Although rumors begin to emerge about his dalliances with younger men). The Bill Murray character in Lost in Translation is reportedly based on him. Good tipper. Linked with Lara Flynn Boyle, Lesley Ann Down, Minnie Driver, Carrie Fisher, Calista Flockhart, Julia Ormond, Michelle Pfeiffer, Kristen Scott Thomas, and “about four dozen others.”

Carrie Fisher: Recovering drug addict. Former wife of Paul Simon. Never graduated from high school. Bipolar, but is finally on the right drug regimen and has her life together again–good for you, Ms. Fisher. Very witty writer. Linked with Ben Affleck (you go, Carrie!), Harrison Ford, and George Lucas.

JimmySmits: Possible drug abuse or AIDS or both. Linked with Jane Fonda.

Samuel L. Jackson: Recovering drug addict. Is rumored to have occasionally made use of escort services in NYC. Male escort services.

Billy Dee Williams: Abuser of women.

Natalie Portman: Has admitted to lusting after other woman, but claims never to have done anything about it. (No, certainly not.) Is succesfully living the life of an ordinary college student. I’ve heard a number of accounts of how modest and unassuming she is in person, but I’m now beginning to hear stories of diva-like behavior on her part. Ecstasy user. Linked with Hayden Christiansen, Lukas Haas, Jude Law, and Moby.

Liam Neesan: Not what one could call faithful to his women, and apparently doesn’t limit himself to just women. Rumored to have vd. Linked to Janice Dickinson, Helen Mirren, Sinead O’Connor, Natasha Richardson (his wife), Julia Roberts, Brooke Shields, and Barbra Streisand.

Ewan McGregor: “Swings both ways. Often.” “Serial shagger. Never faithful to his beautiful wife. Great bloke in person, though.” Linked to Susanna Eng, Nicole Kidman, and Jude Law.

Hayden Christensen: FOD (“Friend of Dorothy”, ie: gayer than a Columbian Banana Mule)

James Earl JonesBarbara Streisand: “Everything she sings is charged with self-loving vulgarity.” Vain & egotistical harridan; legendary for being difficult to work with–perhaps the worst such in the history of Hollywood. Grotesquely bad taste in interior decorating. Notorious tightwad despite her wealth. Had a videotape of her having sex with two-bit actor James Brolin stolen from her house. Affairs with Andre Agassi, Warren Beatty, James Brolin, Richard Burton, Gary Busey, Bill Clinton,Clint Eastwood, Sam Elliott, Milos Forman, Richard Gere, Elliott Gould, Peter Jennings, Don Johnson, Kris Kristofferson, George Lucas, Liam Neeson, Ryan O’Neal, Elvis Presley, Robert Redford, Omar Sharif, Tommy Smothers, Pierre Trudeau and Peter Weller.

Linda Rondstadt: Linked with Jerry Brown, all of the Eagles, Mick Jagger, Kevin Kline, and George Lucas.

Linda Rondstadt… ALL of the Eagles? Even Joe Walsh? Whoa…

Unfortunately… there isn’t any juice on Mark Hamill OR Sir Alec Guiness either…. damn shame, because you KNOW Luke has some damn creepy skeletons in his closet.

And after next week… there will be a HOLE in our hearts… as our childhood is… is…. laid to rest…

Until August, of course, then THIS MOVIE comes out… I know it’s stupid… but DAMN, what an awesome trailer!!

DOING LINES… CAUGHT ON FILM

What I do here is take lines from movies/tv shows and put them here for your amusement and/or delight! Neat, huh?

Of course, I need YOUR help, with submissions and what not. A fellow by the name of Justin Parr has been helping me out with these for years!

I also alternate them with quotes from wrestlers.

I don’t know why I felt the need to explain the segment, I just did. Blow me.

01): You know, it’s polite for the first person downstairs to make the coffee, even if that person has a penis.

Well, you know, it’s also polite for the first person who uses the bathroom to spend less than 45 minutes in there, even if that person has a vulva.Six Feet Under

02): Did your parents have any children that lived?

Sir, Yes Sir.

I’ll bet they regret that. You’re so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece.Full Metal Jacket

We went for breakfast… in Canada. We made a deal; if she’d stop hookin’, I’d stop shooting people… Maybe we were aiming high.Payback

03): I haven’t even told my father I’m not gonna get that scholarship. I’m gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.

What’s wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.

I notice you don’t spend too much time there.

I’m not sure where they are.Caddyshack

04): I’ll have a Red Bull Light, and some bread

We don’t have bread

What do you mean you don’t have bread?

We’re a Vietnamese restaurant… we just don’t have bread

Well, you’re not Vietnamese.

No, I’m not

Well, then, gimme something to chew on! Fuck, bamboo! Anything!

I’ll see what I can do.Garden State

05): Mmmm! Goddamn, Jimmie! This is some serious gourmet shit! Usually, me and Vince would be happy with some freeze-dried Taster’s Choice, but he springs this serious GOURMET shit on us! What flavor is this?

Knock it off, Jules.

What?

I don’t need you to tell me how f*cking good my coffee is, okay? I’m the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys SHIT. Me, I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I want to taste it. But you know what’s on my mind right now? It AIN’T the coffee in my kitchen, it’s the dead nigger in my garage.

Oh, Jimmie, don’t even worry about that…

No, let me ask you a question. When you came pulling in here, did you see a sign out in front of my house that said Dead Nigger Storage?

Jimmie, you know I ain’t seen no…

Did you see a sign out in front of my house that said Dead Nigger Storage

No. I didn’t.

You know WHY you didn’t see that sign?

Why?

Cause it ain’t there, ’cause storing dead niggers ain’t my f*cking business, that’s why!Pulp Fiction

06): It takes me forever to have an orgasam. It takes me a good thirty to forty minutes just have some form of sexual pleasure.

I never had a really good orange.Seinfeld

07): What is that thing on top of your pussy? Has it been bad?

(groans) Very bad.

It’s mocking your father. Rub it for daddy… make it pay

I’m rubbing it for you

Harder, you nasty bitch.

Ohh OHHHHHHHJackie and Jill (a Vivid Video Production)

08): Playing to lose is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she’s a great piece of tail with a blouse full of goodies, but it’s just illegal. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the banjo… eat apple sauce through a straw… pork farm animals.Hot Shots

09): Seven years in Folsom. In the hole for three. McNeil before that. McNeil as tough as they say?

You lookin’ to become a penologist?

You lookin’ to go back? You know, I chased down some crews; guys just lookin’ to f*ck up, get busted back. That you?

You must’ve worked some dipshit crews.

I worked all kinds.

You see me doin’ thrill-seeker liquor store holdups with a “Born to Lose” tattoo on my chest?

No, I do not.

Right. I am never goin’ back.

Then don’t take down scores.Heat

10): I’m your older brother, Mike, and I was stepped over!

That’s the way Pop wanted it.

It ain’t the way I wanted it! I can handle things! I’m smart! Not like everybody says… like dumb… I’m smart and I want respect!The Godfather: Part II

And there you go…

Show of hands… who here has ever had THEIR brother killed? I kicked my mom in the vag once, but I’m not sure if she was pregnant at the time… so I’m gonna have to say not me.

TAKE US HOME, HONKY

This used to be a more regular feature in this column, then the regular material started to dry up and… well, it happens.

He is The Honky Tonk Man and this is his website… in it he posts news, audio commentaries, text commentary, and… pop-ups, lots and lots of pop-ups.

Well, Honky doesn’t really do MUCH writing, he has a staff who does most of the work, what Tonk does mostly is post touring schedules…. and according to him, he’s the HOTTEST ACT ON THE INDY CIRCUIT!!

Still, every so often HTM weighs in with his thoughts on certain big time rasslers he don’t like… and I managed to grab a few of them for your reading pleasure…

Honky’s Take on…

Jake “The Snake” Roberts

Hypocrites come from all walks of life. Desperate men will do desperate things. I just hope Jake will send me the dough from the shows I canceled for his ass last January when he swore on the crack pipe he had 10 shows booked in England. What if the doctor who does the hip surgery is cracked up and lets the knife slip to the old un-used snake between Jake’s legs. I guess he could always put it on eBay. I have to wonder how Jake felt being introduced by a guy he openly calls Jeriblow?

This was regarding Jake’s Raw appearence from a few months ago

The Rockers Reunion

I wonder how the Oh Brother Reunion went? Maybe a prayer meeting before the show with strippers, crack, booze and a couple fags?

Ric Flair

Seems the old Saggy Boy Ric Flair just can’t seem to control himself anymore. This silly *uck snapped on Puerto Rican promoter Victor Quinones Sunday at the PPV. Reports are Saggy Boy was upset with the way his skinny bag of bones son was treated while the punk kid was in PR working for Victor. Saggy Boy screamed and yelled at Victor in front for all to hear. Agents had to restrain Flair and get him to the back.

How much of this is WWe going to take from this washed up has been? I know he is asshole buddies w/HHH, but even HHH can’t protect him much longer. There is a clause in every contract w/WWe that states you can be terminated for bringing embarrassment to the company. If Saggy Boy hasn’t done this several times now, then embarrassment can never be felt by this company.

Victor was Gorilla Monsoon’s god son and has been sending talent to WWe for 20 years. He is well respected and is a first class gentleman. For Flair to wait till he got a free ticket to PR to take up this issue which is 2 years old now, just shows what a chicken shit he is. He could have flown to Puerto Rico on his own dime if he was upset with the way little saggy boy was treated.

What does Flair expect from people? To treat his son better than anyone else? Get with it Flair, your son gets the shit treatment just like you dished out to young guys. You better be glad he did not go to Memphis for the Kink. You and Kink could have had a real shoot in that shitty match a few weeks ago. On second thought, Kink is running Memphis now, why not send this highly respected talent of your loins to the old Kink and see what the business holds in store for a second generation Saggy Boy.

-And what happens when Honky gets into a little… Introspection?

Tuesday 3/22 on a late flight back to his beloved Phoenix HTM had time on the flight to look back at the days gone by. He thought of all the paths he had crossed and all the crossroads he had approached where decisions had to be made. He smiled to himself knowing he had only himself starring back at him in every mirror he looks in. He only sees the person who is there, and that is him.
Deluded? Shame on you for thinking so…

And finally… need a cheap act for your kid’s birthday party?

Want to be part of HTM’s XXX Rated Oh Brother Tour? This is hottest entertainment for the summer drawing huge crowds worldwide. HTM’s calendar is filling fast with dates so don’t wait contact us today to book HTM on your event. Wrestling Shows, Wrestling Seminars, Speaking and Banquet Events, Weddings, Barmitzfas, Golf Events, HTM can do them all. Call Now!

Err…. barmitzfas?

Errr…. the HOTTEST entertainment for the summer?

Okayyyyy…. with that… let’s wrap things up and call it a column, shall we…

Oh, wait.

ONE LAST NOTE….

I received the following AIM Chat from fellow Inside Pulse writer Gloomchen… a chat between her and “some German fan”

GermanGuy: so we tryed doggy today, but my cock slipped out so we dropped it (didnt really try it either, to be honest) and did it another way, how can i keep my fn dick inside her, where it belongs?
GermanGuy: damn, I need a horse cock do they sell those on ebay ?

Gloomchen: hahahaa… have her bend her face way down with her ass in the air, it tilts things better
Gloomchen: if you need to boost yourself up somewhat, kneel on one leg and put the other foot down flat with your knee bent for extra leverage
Gloomchen: and hold on to her hips, it works best that way 🙂 you can control how much movement there is

GermanGuy: yay … and i can spank her ass and scream “I’M FUCKING HYATTE” 😀

Gloomchen: BWAHAHAHHAHAHA

Indeed…. except it’s I AM f*cking Hyatte….

And no, you aren’t…

I’ve done it already, incidentally…. shouted it out mid-boff…. even tho’ no one on the outside really knows who the hell Chris Hyatte is… well, a couple of them did… long story that ain’t any of your business.

It’s about GUSTO, people… letting it all hang out during the one time we are ALLOWED to go mental and release the inner beast.

Repeat after me: I am f*cking (your last name/nickname), I AM FUCKING (your last name/nickname), I AM FUCKING(your last name/nickname)…. I just gave you a non-faggy mantra…. stare at the mirror and chant it often.

Worked out for me… in ways I can only HINT aboot. Well, it SORT of worked out… I might just end up walking away if… well, this isn’t any of anyone’s business but mine… mind your own beeswax

Next week, reading material returns… guide to life returns… Hyatteyak returns….I actually return. Yes I do.

This is fuggin’ Hyatte.